Riptide part 1&2

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First paragraph was included in the last post, but its kinda confusing if i don't add it here. Hope you like it! Please comment!

Seraphina woke with a gasp, her head pounding, and her sheets soaked with sweat. She groped for the light switch in the dark, and when she found it, it kept slipping through her fingers, until she finally got it. The first thing that caught her eye was the sand; it speckled her purple sheets in like clumps. She swung her legs over the side of her bed and contemplated the possibility she was indeed, crazy. The walls of her pink and white room blurred together, it reminded her of Christmas candy canes, in a disturbing way. She sat there with her feet on the floor, and her elbows on her knees, and her face cupped in her hands.

It had to be the dream. In her dream she had seen herself on the beach with two men, alike in stature, but different in every other aspect. They were arguing, and as they did it looked like all hell had broken lose. They didn’t seem to be aware of it, but a storm cloud loomed precariously overhead, and rushing waves were beating the shore. Then when it looked like the cloud were about to burst with the weight of the heavens, Seraphina had yelled, “stop!” Immediately both men’s eyes shot up to the sky, and it was at that instant – with the men’s heavy glares piercing her as if she were transparent – she decided to wake up.

Sera jumped with a start as the beep of her alarm blared like a siren.
“Jesus!” she practically hit the ceiling as she stumbled for her glasses in the too cramped room.
When she found them underneath her library book, she crushed them on her face.
“Stupid glasses…” she mumbled under her breath.
But as she blinked the grasp of sleep out of her eyes, she found her vision still blurred.
“What the…?” Sera took the glasses off and brought them close to her eyes so she could see them in the faint light. The circular glasses remained completely unscathed, safe for the dent in the metal rim from when Sera had dropped them at school.
Yet she looked around her room now, and everything was in focus. Seraphina, who had had glasses all her life, was somehow magically cured.
She threw open the door to her room and barged down the hallway to the kitchen. There, she found her aunt pearl making eggs for breakfast.
She entered the tiny yellow kitchen and sat down at one of the stools at the breakfast table. She watched her aunt closely, the lady looked nothing like Sera’s strikingly beautiful mother. But Pearl was all Sera had left to call family.
“Pearl?” aunt Pearl didn’t look up from the frying pan, but Sera kept talking anyways.
“Aunt Pearl do I look different to you today?”
Pearl put down the frying pan, and made a big display of looking Seraphina up and down.
She shrugged “Nope.”
“No, you didn’t look closely enough! Look at my face… see what’s missing?”
“You ain’t got those terrible glasses that make you look like George from Seinfeld on?”
“I don’t appreciate the comment, but no.” Sera said “I woke up this morning and I just didn’t need them!”
Pearl handed her a plate of eggs with a piece of toast and said sarcastically, “well ain’t you a medical miracle, now eat on up before you’re late.”
Seraphina scarped down the rest of her eggs, then ran to her room to get dressed, putting extra effort into rolling her eyes as she left. She pulled on a pair of tights that were stuck under the leg of her bed, and then rummaged through her closet for her uniform.
“Come on, come on… I’m going to be late!” she yelled. Sera found her skirt dangling precariously on the lamp beside her desk. It would suffice to say her room was a pigsty. She made a mental note as she searched through her backpack to clean it up later.
She hurriedly snatched her beat up leather jacket off the desk chair, and turned to rush out the door. But something caught her eye on the back of her pink door; she saw the glint of her long mirror. Sera hated mirrors, they were for the vain, which was why she had to brush aside an old surfing poster before she could actually see the mirror. Occasionally Sera would use it to make sure her hair didn’t have gum in it or anything, but today, it captivated her.
Her hair looked blonder, her eyes sparkled gold, and her cheeks were a cherubic pink.
“Who are you?” she whispered.
Seraphina had heard of puberty. It was that thing girls hit at fifteen gave them boobs, and curves and all the things Sera didn’t have. But was it possible to get your sight back and look like a freaking plastic angel overnight?
“Sera! Why are you taking so long! School starts in 10 minutes!” Auntie Pearl yelled.
Sera snapped out of her reverie, and charged out the door, grabbing a banana from the fruit bowl in the kitchen on the way.
“Love ya aunt pearl!” she yelled half to pearl, half to the street, as she raced out her Brooklyn brownstone.
"His poetry was terrible. It sounds like he ate a dictionary and started vomiting up words at random."




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Hello Zibbie!

This was pretty interesting. The intruige surrounding the dream and the mystery of Sera changing overnight would make me want to read more of this, so that's good. There wasn't, though, much here to really comment on plot-wise.

One thing, though, is that Sera is described as changed (her hair, eyes, etc) but she is never described as what she normally looked like. It would be nice to know, so as to realize exactly how much she has changed.

I like the hints of Sera's voice I'm getting from reading this. I would like to know more about her though. Let her personality shine right from the start. While focusing on plot, there should also be a focus on Sera as a character. Three dimensional characters and a good plot make for a great story. :)

Nitpick time!

She swung her legs over the side of her bed and contemplated the possibility she was indeed, crazy.

the possibility that she was indeed, crazy

Then when it looked like the cloud were about to burst with the weight of the heavens, Seraphina had yelled, “stop!”

the clouds were about to burst

There, she found her aunt pearl making eggs for breakfast.

Aunt Pearl. There are several occasions where Aunt is not capitalized (and I'm fairly sure it should always be capitalized) and a few more where Pearl is not capitalized, and as it is a proper noun and a name, it should be.

Pearl handed her a plate of eggs with a piece of toast and said sarcastically, “well ain’t you a medical miracle, now eat on up before you’re late.”

Well ain't you a medical miracle

It was that thing girls hit at fifteen gave them boobs, and curves and all the things Sera didn’t have.

at fifteen that gave them boobs

“Love ya aunt pearl!” she yelled half to pearl, half to the street, as she raced out her Brooklyn brownstone.

Aunt Pearl. she yelled half to Pearl

Well that's about it. Again, it was a pretty interesting read, and I would enjoy reading more. If you have any questions, or would desire another review, feel free to PM me. :)

Good job, keep writing!

-Lauren-
Got YWS?




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Hey there Zibbie!

Like Lauren said before me, it was a good intriguing start to a story, but a confusing one I found. I mean, Lauren's right; at some points, we here Sera clearly, and in some instances, we know what like she likes (the Surf poster). But that's it, nothing else.

I mean, I'm 25 and I've been wearing glasses since the age of 11. I'd be FREAKING out if I woke up and didn't have to wear my glasses. AND I probably would carry them around with me, in case my eyesight suddenly turned blurry on me again.

And what's with Aunt Pearl? She doesn't notice that her niece is suddenly super beautiful? She gives her sarcasm? Is it because Sera is prone to exageration? Because she is troublesome? Simply because she doesn't love her? I just don't get her aunt's attitude and it would be nice to get an explanation...

esus!” she practically hit the ceiling as she stumbled for her glasses in the too cramped room.
You might want to rephrase this. You write it as if she's looking in her whole room for her glasses. If she's that blind, shouldn't they be on her nightstand? Then maybe her nightstand is cramped? If you really want to say her room is tiny and or cramped, SHOW us. Maybe say something like, "while she sat on her bed, she could dig in her closet, open a window, swing open the door and . . ." Anyway, do you get it? I do, I understand that her room is so small she can do everything from the middle of the room.

Seraphina scarped down the rest of her eggs, then
I think the word is 'scarfed', not sure. You'd have to check it out.

All in all, as I mentioned before, this was an interesting story, an intriguing beginning. In some areas, the writing flowed beautifully but check your 'aunt' and 'perle' words, they are distracting. WOuld you pm me for the next chapter?

Tanya




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Very well-written! I personally can't wait to see what this story has in store for the future! Write on, my friend, write on!!!

~LordLoredaen
Am fear nach gleidh na h-airm san t-sith, cha bhi iad aige 'n am a' chogaidh.

* He that keeps not his arms in time of peace will have none in time of war.


(This pretty much means "If you want peace, be prepared for war")




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Interesting, I admit. Parts of it, like her dream, remind me of the first Percy Jackson book. Not sure if it's supposed to or not, but that's what i thought of while reading it.
and it was at that instant – with the men’s heavy glares piercing her as if she were transparent – she decided to wake up.
shouldn't it be 'that she decided to wake up?' not entirely sure, but something sounds wrong there.

She watched her aunt closely, the lady looked nothing like Sera’s strikingly beautiful mother
I think this should be two sentences- it doesn't flow well.

Other than that, others already mentioned the need for description, so i don't have much to say. It's an interesting idea and you did a good job with it.
If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.~Toni Morrison

It is written in m life-blood, such as that is, thick or thin; I can do no other~ Tolkien



If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
— Anatole France