The Haunting, Chapter 1

Yo! Listen up, this is the first chapter. Read the prolouge first, it doesn't help a lot. But it makes things more interesting, well at least I think that.

"Honey, get up. It's already 7:50 and I thought you were biking to school today." I looked at my dad through half opened eyes. "I'll see you downstairs in 10 minutes, got it?"

"Can't you drive me to school today? I mean really, we just moved to New York City. Do you know how busy and dangerous this place is? I could get mugged or kidnapped on my first day here!" I stared at him pleadingly. I quickly added in, "Plus, my bike will make me even more vunerable. Plus, it's so crowded on the streets, I'll be an easy target."

"Oh yes, a 16 year old out on the streets is very vunarable. So maybe if you just walked and moved within the crowds these people you're talking about wouldn't notice you. You know, at your age your brother walked to school everyday. Rain or shine, and he had to walk one and half miles to get there." Dad closed the door and left the room. I scowled, most kids were driven on their first day at a new school. But I guess I'm used to it. I got up slowly and began to dress myself in the new outfit I bought myself with dad's money on Saturday.

When I got downstairs I saw a muffin, bacon and eggs, a glass of lemonade, and a note laying on the kitchen counter. I picked up the muffin and began to eat quickly.

Dear Claire,
I had to run, my class starts in 20 minutes. Good luck on your first day of school, and I'm sure you won't get mugged,kidnapped,or anything else.

Love you,
Dad

I put down the note and shoveled bagon and eggs into my mouth. I grabbed my backpack and began to lock the door when I heard a voice.

"You're new here aren't you?" I turned around to find a 50-year old man staring at me, he was holding a crow bar.

"Why do you need a crowbar?" I asked him shakily, I was never one to be scared easily.

"Because you're dad called to say that your toilet needed some fixing."

"I don't see a truck behind you, or anything else besides that crowbar. And why aren't you wearing one of those uniforms?" I put my hands on my hips and glared at him. My dad always said I had a great insticnt of staying away from people I didn't like, like a dog.

"Don't need no truck. It's just a crowbar, and if I'm a one man company I won't be needing no uniform, isn't that right girl?" He seemed to growl at the last part.

"I don't seem to remember my dad saying something about the toilet. We just moved here, and I just brushed my teeth and the toilet seemed fine to me. We don't need you, so you can leave." I was about to runoff when the strange man grabbed my shoulder.

"You need to be careful, otherwise something bad could happen. Something real bad could happen." The man grinned evilly.

"Let go of me!" I kicked him in the shin, and punched him in his stomach for a good measure. Then grabbed his crowbar and began hitting his bald head. "You creeper! DOn't you ever dare to threaten me again!" I threw the crowbar into the bushes, for some reason the man hadn't began to bleed, then he got up and began to run at me. I ducked when he jumped and his head hit the cement. He got up and dusted himself up. I bent down and was about to jump at me like some panther when I jumped over him and hit the ground running.

"Get back gere squirt!" I hear him well. I looked over my shoulder and saw him chasing me. I weave my way through the crowd, suprised that no one had notice the comotion going on. Guess it happened a lot in NYC. Finally I stopped for a second by a hot dog stand. I looked behind me and saw I had lost the man, I also saw that my school was right in front of me. I calmly walked towards the door and walked into school. I was 10 minutes early, the halls were deserted except for a few early birds.

"Who was that man chasing you?" A girl with straight black hair walked up to me. My hand flew to my curly brown-red hair sub-conciously. I quickly realized that my pony tail was about to come undone and redid it.

"I have no idea, some creeper. He had a crowbar." I shrugged and was about to walk off when I heard her say.

"Yeah, well that creeper was my old dad." Under her breath.

All underlined part of the quote are errors that I am referring to, keep in mind.

portersrose wrote:
"Can't you drive me to school today? I mean really, we just moved to New York City. Do you know how busy and dangerous this place is? I could get mugged or kidnapped on my first day here!" I stared at him pleadingly.

Okay, after Claire asks her dad, I'd like to look at the "I stared at him pleadingly" part. I think Claire is more or less whining so you might as well say "I whined" instead. Or instead of stared, since she is talking, you could write "gaze" instead of "stared". It's more action-y than station-y. If you get what I'm saying.

portersrose wrote:"Oh yes, a 16 year old out on the streets is very vunarable. So maybe if you just walked and moved within the crowds these people you're talking about wouldn't notice you. You know, at your age your brother walked to school everyday. Rain or shine, and he had to walk one and half miles to get there." Dad closed the door and left the room. I scowled, most kids were driven on their first day at a new school. But I guess I'm used to it. I got up slowly and began to dress myself in the new outfit I bought myself with dad's money on Saturday.

I sense that Claire's father is being sarcastic (first underline in 2nd quote) here. Actually, a 16 year old is vulnerable on the streets, and especially a girl. You might want to just delete that sentence or rephrase somehow to make the father in the right. 2nd underline, you spelled that word wrong, it's spelled: vulnerable. 3rd underline, you should make "I scowled" a phrase, and the rest a sentence. Last underline, it should be "I'd bought" not "I bought".

portersrose wrote:When I got downstairs I saw a muffin, bacon and eggs, a glass of lemonade, and a note laying on the kitchen counter. I picked up the muffin and began to eat quickly.

It should be "lying" not "laying". At least, I believe so and it sounds better when read in silence or out loud. (Hint: Try reading your stuff out loud and you find errors easily that way.)

portersrose wrote:Dear Claire,
I had to run, my class starts in 20 minutes. Good luck on your first day of school, and I'm sure you won't get mugged,kidnapped,or anything else.

Love you,
Dad

If her dad was in a rush, he wouldn't really have had time to write a "Dear" in front of her name. To make it less formal and more familiar, try deleting the "Dear". Also, maybe rephrase the first sentence of the note...maybe switch the comma for a "because". And, nice humour at the end I liked that

portersrose wrote:I put down the note and shoveled bagon and eggs into my mouth. I grabbed my backpack and began to lock the door when I heard a voice.

"You're new here aren't you?" [u]I turned around to find a 50-year old man staring at me, he was holding a crow bar. [/u]

"Why do you need a crowbar?" I asked him shakily, I was never one to be scared easily.

"Because you're dad called to say that your toilet needed some fixing."

1st underline, you write "began to lock the door" and then she heard the voice. I was wonfused and thought she was still half in and out of the house. Maybe say "locked the door." Then the voice thing and then she turned around. 2nd underline, "He was holding a crowbar" should be a lone sentence, not attached. It is not grammatically correct. 3rd underline, same thing as the 2nd underline, so replace the comma with a period.

portersrose wrote:"Let go of me!" I kicked him in the shin, and punched him in his stomach for a good measure. Then grabbed his crowbar and began hitting his bald head. "You creeper! DOn't you ever dare to threaten me again!" I threw the crowbar into the bushes, for some reason the man hadn't began to bleed, then he got up and began to run at me. I ducked when he jumped and his head hit the cement. He got up and dusted himself up. I bent down and was about to jump at me like some panther when I jumped over him and hit the ground running.

1st underline, the correct espression has no "a". For example: for good measure. 2nd underline, add an "I" before the "Then" in the beginning of the sentence so it is not incomplete. 3rd underline, replace the comma between "bushes" and "for" to an "and". Also, I suggest changing "began to bleed" to only "bled". In addition, after "bleed/bled" replace the comma with a period and capitalize "Then". Last or 4th underline, it should be "I bent down and the man was about etc.".

portersrose wrote:"Get back gere squirt!" I hear him well. I looked over my shoulder and saw him chasing me. I weave my way through the crowd, suprised that no one had notice the comotion going on. Guess it happened a lot in NYC. Finally I stopped for a second by a hot dog stand. I looked behind me and saw I had lost the man, I also saw that my school was right in front of me. I calmly walked towards the door and walked into school. I was 10 minutes early, the halls were deserted except for a few early birds.

1st underline, it should be "here" not "gere" 2nd underline, "hear" to "heard". 3rd underline, "weave" to "weaved". 4th underline, "notice" to "noticed". 5th underline, "comotion" to "commotion". 6th underline, try deleting the word "were" and leave it at that. It will sound better. And wasn't Claire literally outside of her home? I dind't knwo she was in the centre of NYC... can you explain that earlier on? Or fix this paragraph?

I wish to speak my mind and say this was okay story. It was not great or amazing. You have a lot of grammatical errors throughout this piece and I suggest re-reading it and fixing those things and any that I might have missed. Try sticking with the same facts so as not to confuse anyone (refer to last quote). I see not link from the title to this chapter. Is there any hint you can put?

Thanks.

Thank you for the awesome review and here's one in return. I've read the prologue and they were some mistakes but Aspiring already pointed them out.Here you also have some but again LavenderBlue beat me to the punch so I am going to inspire, motivate and urge you to write more. So far it seems really interesting and I L.O.V.E that cliffhanger.I can't wait for the next installation. By the way I suggest that reread you work before posting. I usually try to do that before posting but forget and have yo edit over and over again when someone reviews my work and points out my mistakes

Good Luck and I can not wait to read the rest.

Hey there Portersrose Awesome picture by the way

This story was pretty good, in my opinion! It wasn't incredible, but it wasn't terrible either! One thing you do need to do is read over your work, and fix all of the grammar errors. You seem to have a lot of these in your work. Lavender has pointed most of them out really, so there's not much for me to say when it comes to that. What I will say though, is after you've finished writing your work, click on the link that says Check Spelling. That will automatically point out to you where your spelling errors are!
Another thing I want to point out, is the fact that you don't make it clear where the prologue ends, and the chapter begins. All you need to do, is simply write Prologue, and Chapter One, where the different parts begin!

Dear Claire,
I had to run, my class starts in 20 minutes. Good luck on your first day of school, and I'm sure you won't get mugged,kidnapped,or anything else.

I agree with what Lavender said when it comes to this part. I agree with both the negatives, and the positives! I did like the bit of humour at the end!

Overall, I think that you definitely have potential! You need to polish your work up quite a bit, but once you've done that, this could be pretty good! I especially like your use of humour that pops into your work now and then! Keep doing that!

Keep writing,
xoxo Skins

Hey! You know me! Yah, i ain't gonna say my name. but anyways, great job. spelling errors, but nothing else. hey, get back from your trip soon!

i wouldn't call it great but its ok. there were a few mistakes that the othes already pointed out, just mind those, edit it properly correcting the mistakes. also your storyline to me doesn't seem very gripping. i don't know why but you also didn't take your time to realy explain anything. if you see over these things again then it will be ok.

Alrighty! Seeing as the others got to my more nitpicky stuff, I'll go for the overall story.

To begin, some parts of your story seemed to take up a little less space than I think they should have. I have a little pet peeve of when people don't bring a reader into the story very well. For example:

"Why do you need a crowbar?" I asked him shakily, I was never one to be scared easily.

This part confuses me a little. You worded it so it sounds like she is scared, but she isn't at the same time. After looking a little longer, I thought that maybe you meant that she isn't scared easily and now she was scared so it was very scary, but you need to put more of that in.

Also, when you write, try to give us a little more detail, why is she scared, what does she think, describe her surroundings, it makes things look a lot better.

Awesome story. cant wait to read more

Hey,

I liked this story. I read the prologue as well I thought it was quite mysterious. You did have some mistakes but others pointed them out already, I suggest you just read over it. Overall I though it was realy good. I can't wait for the next chapter.
Could you PM me when it comes out?
Ikafe