The Swordmaster's Path- part 2

Dracven did not have to wait long. The lord did not devote much time to eating; soon he and his men had finished, and he signaled in the guard.

Instantly Dracven understood the reason for his presence. The guard brought forth a local landowner who had tried to shortcut his payments on the dozen horses he‘d bought a few weeks ago; Dracven had paid the man a visit only two days ago. The landowner’s pale skin faded further at the sight of the lord, his eyes focused entirely on the commanding man.

“Ah… Lan Yon,” the lord said, plying his sarcasm-laden voice to its next victim. “I have been told you have had a… memory lapse, regarding your payments. I thought my young hand here might be able to jostle your memory.”

“I paid full this month, my lord,” the landowner said easily, but he had a shifty look in his eye. Dracven had seen that look all too often.

“Are you calling my young tyro a liar?” the lord asked quickly, his dark eyes flashing.

“Him?” Lan asked, noticing Dracven for the first time. “He threatened my sister! He threatened me with her life! How could-” the guard raised a hand to silence him, but the lord cut across them both.

“Be still. Dracven, perhaps you can bring across the results you got the night before,” the lord said sharply, staring intently at the landowner’s face. Dracven sighed internally. How tired he got of being tax-collector. Slowly, he stepped around his lord’s chair, making a show of drawing his dagger.

“Don’t make me do this,” he said quietly. His voice chilled like ice- it was a threat, a warning- devoid of any sympathy. The cold metal blade rested against the man’s throat.

“You won’t kill me,” Lan said defiantly, but the tremor in his voice and slight wideness of his eyes undermined his bravado. “You can’t get your monthly money if you kill me.”

“You’re right. But I could leave you with a reminder. Or…” Dracven shrugged uncaringly. “I can go fetch your sister.” The off-handed frostiness of his tone shocked the landowner- it was evident in his face. Dracven’s icy eyes held Lan’s, and the landowner’s face showed no signs of doubt.

“We had this discussion not long ago,” Dracven added darkly. The two of them stood eye to eye for a few moments, the landowner shaking all the more, before he finally looked down.

“Shoulda known I’d meet you again. You’ll get your money, and double this month for the trouble, so long as you leave my sister alone,” he mumbled.

“I think we can agree to that, don’t you, tyro?” the lord interjected. He ran a hand through his glossy dark hair, an expression of utter boredom on his face. “It will be picked up tomorrow.”

The landowner was escorted out, visibly shaken. Dracven remained in his place, his back to his lord. Most would not border so close to rudeness, but for Dracven circumstances were different.

“Very good, colt. You went too easy on him, though; he will probably forget the lesson in a week.” At the direct comment, Dracven turned around to face the lord and his men once again. The lord’s eyes, his very smile, mocked Dracven for not drawing blood at least.

“I am sorry, my lord. I will reteach him when he… forgets again.”

“I’m sure you will. Perhaps that will settle any questions to your exclusion to normal military procedure,” the lord said casually. Dracven caught the second-in-command and a few other officers looking away, embarrassed, and said nothing, understanding the reason he had dealt with the man in front of an audience. They were upset that he, a mere teen, answered to no one but their lord.

His lord studied his face a few moments, then continued, “Now, young Dracven, to a different issue. The woman miller has been… reluctant to sell the land behind our fort, which will, of course, be essential to our future plans. I am hoping you can strike a bargain with her.”

“What are the terms?” Dracven asked, completely expressionless. This sounded like the type of assignments that were becoming more and more regular for him.

“I am willing to offer her a reasonable price,” the lord said casually, tossing a bag of coins down on the table. “If she needs further persuasion, I happen to know she has two daughters.” That cynical grin crept to the corner of his lips again. “She also has a son, but he should offer you no problems. Do you understand your assignment?”

“Of course, my lord,” Dracven answered with a bow, ignoring his tingling left wrist and taking the bag of coins. “I am sure we can reach an agreement.”

“Oh, I’m sure you can. We have built your reputation well, colt,” the lord commented dryly.

“Yes, my lord. I will head out first thing in the morning.”

“Ah, by the morning the family will be busy and working,” the lord said with a wave of his hand. A twinkle had returned to his eyes. “It is summer and not too late for evening business. The guards will always let you back in.”

Dracven hesitated a moment- his lord knew he hated night assignments. “I will leave as soon as I gather my equipment,” he answered finally, inclining his head. He stood at attention, under full force of his lord’s mocking, disdainful scrutiny, before the lord returned to his men and said offhandedly,

“You are dismissed.”

Hello!

Haven't read part one, so I'll just crit this without having anything to fall back on – it has less reviews then the other one.

quote:
Dracven had seen that look all too often.
Expand. Don't make the reader take for granted that he did! Where? (nice moment for characterization, too, and maybe even a place to serve details regarding past - snippets, mind you, as it's not good enough excuse or more ).

This was, I think, my main problem with this piece. It's made up of mostly dialogue, which is fine, since for the most part it's interesting (my one complaint will be somewhere downward), pushes the plot forward, characterizes characters. Fine. But then at the other end of the spectrum are – what? Words that act as not only tags. The only descriptions, emotional linkage we get in this piece is through those tags. Afterthoughts of dialogue.

Normally I suggest balance between dialogue and non-dialogue. Sometimes a story veers one way, and it works fine, and then there's a zipper on my mouth. Ok. But here. Sthing's lacking: those descriptions, emotions, a firmer sense of place. It can't all be afterthought.

There are particular phrases attached to dialogue which beg elaboration. Which cry and wail, and want to be expanded, the quote one an example. This is a wonderful opportunity to get into Drac's head – he's a character who does horrid things, which is refreshing since normally we get innate do-gooders. But the reader has to see humanity (negative attitude to assignments was good; now more). The readers wants to relate, feel for Drac. And right now, s/he's given very little chance to do so.

So the plot's fine, it's going forward. I have no complaints as to that. There's a story. We have a body. It can walk and talk, but can it truly breathe? Can it be befriended?

quote:
“Him?” Lan asked, noticing Dracven for the first time.
I find that hard to believe. Is he standing in some supremely hard to see place? I get it that his eyes were "focused entirely on the commanding man", but still. Entirely too comfortable.

Lan. Here's a character that we should sympathise with exceedingly – even if narration veers toward Dracven, who doesn't. This is tricky. Again, you have a superb character in Drac because of the novelty of his behavior, attitude. While I said that he has to be attainable to the reader, one can't go overboard with that, yes? He's still kinda evil (maybe he has his reasons, maybe not – circling this subejct, I don't care, it's a must.

So we'd have to feel more for poor Lan. What's done to him is terrible, no? Make it more so through descriptions that would appeal to the reader's heart. A reader is in general a very cold-hearted, not much caring for others person, so it's not an easy task. Sentences like below are very cool – I particularly like the part after the comma. More! More!

quote:
Lan said defiantly, but the tremor in his voice and slight wideness of his eyes undermined his bravado.
Lovely.


quote:
This sounded like the type of assignments that were becoming more and more regular for him.
Doesn't, not really.

Now look at the tags. Around half ends with a -ly words. Up till halfway, sthing like that comes up after every single dialogue sentence with the exception of one miserly "asked"! Unacceptable!

quote:
the landowner said easily
the lord asked quickly
the lord said sharply
he said quietly
Lan said defiantly
and on and on.

Those work fine as shortcuts when writing, when one has ideas spilling out of his/her fingers on the keyboard. But they're shortcuts only. Show, don't tell. Show us this defiance of Lan's (how would it look like in body langauge, in facial expression - for certain he wouldn't be looking down, trying to make himself as small as possible, etc.). That was my main problem with this piece, that we're told something. It's shoved down my reader's throat and the narrator cackled and says: "eat that, you".

Try avoiding words ending with -ly altogether. Might be hard at first if one is used to them, but the end effect entirely pays for all the sweat Among consequences are nice descriptions, nice characterization and many other perks.

quote:
he woman miller has been… reluctant to sell the land behind our fort,
This was nice the first time I read it. Goes goes the dialogue, slight pause, emphasis goes nice - but not when it appears again again. Then the readers sighs, grumbles, and is irritated in the end.

Characterization of lord. Too many times it was repeated: sarcastic, ironic... fine, I get the picture. Say it too many times and it becomes simply ridiculous. Think about how such a person would behave, look like, be seen as (in gestures, too – appearance, viewpoint). One couldn't say about him: cute. But he'd be formal, aware of his own consequence of course – how would this translate into the things between the parenthesis? What else can you think of?

The mentioned -lies (oh now that's funny. isn't it?) - this is a gigantic empty playground where you can do what you will. Show off. Show us, e.g., that he's commanding. What does a commanding person look like? how does he stand? anything else? don't solely focus on ironic tone of voice (attitude to Drac very nice, though).

quote:
he lord did not devote much time to eating
Build around this, give us more details. Don't just tell us! Also, this is the only sentence (I think) that the reader can fall back on in terms of sense of place. The rest just kind of threatens to make him/her float off, off and away.

So, add more text rather than just dialogue and the tag that is attached to it, eh? Then there are also occasional empty phrases that beg elaboration, explanation:

quote:
his lord knew he hated night assignments.
I read this, and I go: ok. Not a very enthusiastic response - and this is a wonderful occasion for characterization through non-dialogue – but I already harped about this.

Because we made a circle, didn't we? All goes back to where we began. Overal though, very nice piece. Dialogue especially shines and is the strongest point – which is good since it's the most central part. But I get the general feeling that the dialogue is what was written first, what was most through, that tags were added – and voila, we have the post. I'm saying this because what we have is good, but I absolutely know that it can be so much better.


Cheers!

Hi brassnbridle
Thank you for the pm.
I like this post and I think that the beginning of this story is very good and it keeps the reader interested.
I have no nit-picks but re-read this post, its a good thing to do when your writing.
I'm not going to pull your story to pieces like Esme, so this is my review done.
Can you pm me when you post more?
midnightread