Shattered Wings (prologue)

So here is the prologue to one of my stories. It's my favorite story. I hope you enjoy it. Just let me know what needs improving please.



PROLOGUE


Death. The word had never held any real meaning to me before now. Time had just passed me by at a slow pace, the people around me always happy and healthy in a carefree mood. But now the word hits me with heavy meaning, like hundreds of daggers piercing my skin all at once. Time seems to freeze as I watch the person closest to me fall to the ground. My mind is a sudden whirlwind of confused thoughts as his gaze finds mine, where I lay only a few inches away.

My eyes fill with tears as the light suddenly fades from his green eyes, and I know that he has left me. I attempt to cry out his name, but I am unable to. No sound comes, only pain. I touch my stomach and a shudder ripples throughout my body as I feel the blood that oozes from the deep wound.

Hopefully I will soon be following him away from this pain. At the thought my eyes suddenly close, an unusual weariness consuming me. An abnormal darkness awaits me and I allow it to take me, hoping to find him there waiting.

He is. His bright green eyes full of life once more. He’s smiling at me as I walk slowly to him, afraid that it isn’t real, that he might vanish at any moment, but he doesn’t. Instead, he’s making his way towards me to. A smile lights up my face and I force my legs at a faster pace, only now realizing that the unbearable pain from before has gone.

“Gracie.” His voice is full of love as his hand takes mine. A sudden light penetrates the darkness and his smile grows warmer. “It’s time to go.”

I gaze into the light and wonder if it will lead us to the next world. The light is beautiful. Joy spreads throughout my body and suddenly I can’t wait to step into it; to let the light shower my small body with its brilliant radiance.

“Come on.” He giggles, just like the child he is and races for the light, dragging me along. But before we can reach it...a sudden shock wave shoots through my body. He looks back at me with a sad smile.

Another shock wave shoots through my body and then another. Familiar pain fills me and the warm light vanishes from before me. The darkness stays. I cling to his warm hand, mine suddenly going cold.

“Gracie.” His voice is sad and yet I can hear a hint of joy. I stare into his eyes. “We’ll meet again.”

The dark world we are standing in suddenly begins to shake as if unstable, and I feel myself slipping away from its warmth. Tears fill my eyes and I tighten my grip on his hand. He smiles, pulls his hand away and gently shoves me backwards. “Goodbye.”

I’m falling now, through a different darkness. There isn’t any warmth, only cold. The pain has returned to my stomach, and there are sounds filling my ears; familiar sounds. I can hear them; the people who love me. I close my eyes, a peaceful sleep overcoming me.

Brother...

Hiya! Classy here for a review.

So I tried to understand this, but I am very confused. I just don't get the transition between the boy dying, and then him living again, only to push her away? I mean, the story sounds cool, but you have some work to do there. Make it clearer. If he comes back to life, say it. If it is a different boy, say it.

Death. The word had never held any real meaning to me before now.

How many times have we seen this as an opener for a story? I've used it, you've used it, I've read it before. I'm guessing there's a lot of stories that begin this way. Try to find a simpler, and sweeter way to say it. I am getting a sweet and simple vibe from your character, that's the only reason I said those two adjectives.
But seriously, this is what we call a cliche. I would fix it.

There isn’t any warmth, only cold.

Again with a cliche. You have a few of them in here, like the daggers part, too. But, the main thing I wanted to say in this is that it has too much description. You don't need to tell me that there's only cold. I can assume that if there isn't any warmth, it's cold. Sometimes less description is better, like here.

Sounds like a promising story!

Classy

I liked it! I thought the imagery was great, and didn't mind the cliched stuff as much as Classy did. Sure, it's cliche, but it's also very powerful.

"Time had just passed me by at a slow pace, the people around me always happy and healthy in a carefree mood."
Seemed to be placed kind of randomly in here.

and then the part where your character followed their Brother to the afterlife was strange. Oh course since this is Fantasy, maybe she was actually following him, but if she was just imagining it, tell us!

Death. The word had never held any real meaning to me before now.

I agree with Classy. You can think of a better beginning.

His bright green eyes full of life once more.

You already said that his eyes were green a few paragraphs ago. You don't need to say it again.

Instead, he’s making his way towards me to.

It should be "too", not "to".


I liked this. There were a couple of cliches here and there - like the beginning - but other than that, I couldn't find a lot wrong with this piece. I'm guessing that she got brought back to life by paramedics or something?

It seems like a promising beginning. I can't wait to see where you go with this.