Black Feathers~~~~Chapter One~~~~Endeavour

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Blurb~

Sixteen year old, Serena isn't your ordinary teenager. Instead of wearing fine linen and looking for boys, she spends her time fighting off imaginary dragons and navigating through treacherous waters.

Her mother doesn't like that Serena has no actual friends but the ones she made up and decides to send her away to Endeavour Academy, a school in which gifted Ballet and knowledgeable students can learn in their walls.

Though an ancient prophecy is playing and Serena is sucked into the middle of an ancient battle.


Chapter One: Endeavour

Spoiler
"Each move should be passive, elegant and fluid" Miss Gwen spoke loudly as she paced around her class inspecting her students with a keen eye. Her hawk like feature made her look more intimidating than friendly.
I watched her from under a lock of brown loosening from the bun I had it in. I tripped over my feet throwing my leg up and down with everything but passiveness, elegance and fluidness.

"Your body should be one with music." Miss Gwen chanted rhythmically, the soft music playing in the corner of the ballet room twinkled in my ears giving off a cool silence.
I flung my hand out and almost slapped the teacher on the back of the head tyring to execute another ballet move.

Biting my lip I quickly looked away my heart racing. I heard a few girls snigger behind me as they witness my horrible attempt of a Fondu.
I never liked ballet, in fact I hated it! All these moves and tricks when they all end up looking the same in the end...it's enfuriating!I didn't want to learn how to prance around in tutu, for entertainment of others! No, I wanted to wear a sword at my waist and throw myself into battle.

I wanted to be like Dad, travelling with the Kings Knights to fight dragons that terrorise the towns on the outskirts. If it hadn’t been for Mum being so persistent to get me into this Academy I wouldn’t be here in the first place!

"Attitude en Pointe" the teacher instructed hollowly. I watched as the girls around me went on the tip of their toes pulling their other leg up gracefully into the air. I pouted my lips
chucking my foot clumsily up into the air.

I felt my hand slip on the brass bar next to me and I collapsed on to the floor in a heap of skirts and lace.
"Miss Newman!" Miss Gwen shouted loudly as a loud tirade of laughter filled the ballet room. I grabbed at my head, the room spinning around me in a maze of bright colours.
"Yes" I stuttered picking myself up.
"That is not the way to execute an attitude en pointe!" she shouted wistfully crossing her long arms across her chest. "You lift your leg with the knee bent at approximately 90-degree angle"
I frowned trying the move again. I pulled my leg as far as I could. Stopping when I heard a sharp rip in the back of my tutu, I closed my eyes my cheeks turning beat red.


More fitful laughs exploded around the room. Miss Gwen threw up her hands letting out a flourish of French words from her straight lined mouth. Storming towards her coffee at the top
of the stairs the aroma of Arabica beans filled my nostrils.
"Your only in here because your mother paid extra" a snide voice next to me snapped when I stretched back to look at my ripped tutu.

"Yeah!” Another voice mocked hardily “If your mother hadn't paid extra you wouldn't have made it in to such an exclusive academy for the gifted!"
I closed my eyes willing the tears back, I never wanted to join! That's what Mum wanted not me. Endeavour Academy was at the bottom of my list for things to do this summer.
The teacher clapped her hands strongly willing the murmuring to a stop. "Alright everyone find a partner and execute the perfect En Croix! Miss Newman you are with me!" she said strongly staring
at me her longs fingers scratching at the bottom of her cardigan.


Sighing I walked towards her, ignoring the chuckles coming from the other girls. I stopped in front of Miss Gwen hanging my head in defeat.
‘Great no one wants to be my partner so I am stuck with the teacher’ I sighed my heart deflating.
"Come on then cross your body" Miss Gwen hopped on the tip of her toes executing a perfect move.
I tried to follow collapsing in a heap at her feet. "This is pointless" I shook my head, punching my hands into my tutu. I turned to see the other girl doing perfect moves their bodies elegantly perched in the air.
"It's never pointless Serena, you just started late is all" she watched me through her long lashes and sighed.
I shook my head defiantly "I never wanted to join this academy! Mum wanted me too, she loves ballet I hate it!"
"Well there is no use hating something you can't do" she crouched down next to me and pulled my chin up.
"How about you take extra lessons. In the morning a few of our experienced dancers come done to train. If you would like I could ask them to help you learn?"
I shook my head "They wouldn't do it"
Miss Gwen pulled a note from out of her pocket and smiled. I stared down to see a time written on the top.
"Five-thirty in the morning!" I exclaimed my mouth dropping.
"Be there and they'll be waiting, I promise!"
Last edited by Apple on Sun Feb 21, 2010 2:03 am, edited 1 time in total.
I spy!




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Hi! I'm Narniafreak!

Well, this was interesting. Serena is stuck in ballet school when she wants to fight dragons... hmm.. I like that. It seems to call for a great story. I also like how you used a lot of ballet terms. I'm no ballet expert but it made me feel like I knew a little about what was going on. Also,whenever Serena fell or do something wrong I felt her pain, embarrassment etc. I felt bad for since she's not very good at ballet. Sounds like me. =D

I noticed a few issues with dialogue. Here's link to a post about correct dialogue punctuation. post485069.html?hilit=dialogue#p485069

Also, there were a few spots where either commas or other punctuation were needed throughout. Just proofread your work again and you should be fine. If you don't know what to do I'm sure there are posts in the Knowledge base.

You tend to start a lot of sentences off with I which is hard when it's first person. A way I deal with this is putting maybe a little description into the beginning or switching around the sentence so my I is the middle instead of beginning. I'm not saying you can't ever use I but it gets repetitive so fast especially when in whole paragraphs every sentence begins with I.

Other than those quick changes I thought this was a great start for a story. Personally, I'm wondering what's going to get her out of that school and out fighting dragons and such. PM if you put up more or have questions! =D

-Narniafreak!




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I liked the start of your story. My sister is talented with ballet and she has done numerous performances. I think you should talk more about her "fighting imaginary dragons and navigating treacherous waters" in the first chapter. I think you need to describe her hatred for ballet in more detail. Does she discover her hidden talents?
Pm me when your finished with chapter two.

Have a great night
Fiction




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Thankyou so much from your comments!
I spy!




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Hey there Apple! I really liked the story, like the others said, you can easily fit yourself into the MC's situation, no matter who you are. But now, for the nitpicks...

Apple wrote:Sixteen year old, Serena isn't your ordinary teenager.

I'd remove the comma, you don't need it

Apple wrote:Her mother doesn't like that Serena has no actual friends but the ones she made up and decides to send her away to Endeavour Academy, a school in which gifted Ballet and knowledgeable students can learn in their walls.

You should put a comma after "made up", because or else the sentence is too long; it seems to drag on a little.

Apple wrote:Biting my lip I quickly looked away my heart racing.

Add a comma before my heart racing

Apple wrote:I heard a few girls snigger behind me as they witnessed my horrible attempt of a Fondu.


Apple wrote:Stopping when I heard a sharp rip in the back of my tutu, I closed my eyes my cheeks turning beat red.

Another comma after my eyes

Apple wrote:Storming towards her coffee at the top of the stairs the aroma of Arabica beans filled my nostrils.

Again, a comma before the aroma

Apple wrote:I closed my eyes willing the tears back, I'd never wanted to join! That's what Mum wanted not me.

For the first part, I'd put a dot after back, since the rest of the sentence just doesn't go together; you should make it into two. As for the second, add a comma after wanted.

Apple wrote:she said strongly staring at me her longs fingers scratching at the bottom of her cardigan.

Another comma before "her long fingers"

Apple wrote:I tried to follow collapsing in a heap at her feet. "This is pointless" I shook my head, punching my hands into my tutu. I turned to see the other girls doing perfect moves their bodies elegantly perched in the air.

A comma after follow and then another one after perfect moves

Apple wrote:"How about you take extra lessons. In the morning a few of our experienced dancers come down to train.


So that's all I found, sorry if I seem like a nag. You just seem to forget to put commas where they are needed. Overall though, very good story, I'm excited for the rest!
PM me when you post chapter 2 :D
Got a story you'd like reviewed?
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Punctuation is the difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma".



Go and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here.
— Neil Gaiman