Light by Night(0,1)

8 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 6826
Reviews 34
Valentine

Hello readers. This is my current project I'm working on. If you don't understand after reading it, this world is in complete night, and nobody feels love. I hope you enjoy it. Please tell me what you think.

Forward:
Spoiler
(0)
Forward

The night is an intoxicating time; a time when nothing is absolute. Words once spoken loudly become but whispers that barely leave ones lips. Happiness gradually fades into the back of ones minds, and fear ravages ones thoughts like a lethal poison. Darkness is merely a tool of the night. It smothers ones senses and answers all questions with questions. The only thing that keeps one alive in such a time is the faint memory that at the end of every night there is dawn, and light to wash away the misconception.
Love is an intoxicating feeling; a feeling that controls both the body and the soul. It blurs the lines between reality and dreams until they are the same. Love destroys things once perceived as beautiful and recreates them into something far for majestic than before. It breaks the strongest and places the weakest on top. Nothing is predictable when love is thrown into the mix. Nothing is safe.
Imagine a world twisted from its original course. A world, where night is all there is. Darkness is always present. Senses are always blurred and questions are never answered. Whispers resound through the night, pondering the condition of the present and the future. Whether or not the night will ever be taken by light is unknown, as is the certainty of life and existence. Not only does this world wonder aimlessly in endless night, it lacks the feeling that holds the weakest together, love.
Everything is done to survive. Lives are lost and forgotten. Lives are taken and forgotten. The world is practically void of all emotion because love is the basis of all feeling. Without love, there is no hate, happiness, or even sadness. There is just an endless search for an answer that can not be found. The world is dark, and dangerous. It is full of peril and death. I warn you- enter only on the brightest of the days- or even you will be engulfed be the night.



Chapter 1
(1)
Spoiler
Evil Never Dies

The eyes were dark as night. They remained still, and resembled congruent jewels glistening fervently. In a twisted sort of way, they were beautiful. They symbolized the fear and turmoil of the entire world, yet they glowed with an enticing light. How could something so evil be so beautiful?
The face behind the eyes was cruel. With jagged jaw and cheek bones, it appeared to be a skull with skin stretched thinly over it. The nose was sunken and deformed, as were the ears. The whole face was barely distinguishable and completely inhuman.
The body below it was weak, and sickly. Sack cloth clung to it in rags, but uselessly as the creature itself did not feel the icy chill the world felt, for it was the source.
A man stood across from the creature. He stared at it and his expression revealed no emotion, as he felt none. Dark hair clung to his face moist with sweat. The creature returned his stare, a thin pale tongue slipping in and out of its mouth.
“You are just as bad as the rest,” the creature spat, spittle spattering onto the man’s calm face. The creature’s voice was cenacle, and its tone was wispy and weak.
“Every man is at wrong in his own,” the man returned. His expression remained undeterred.
“You are just as vile, and disgusting as the worst. The fact that you are human does not change anything. Your soul will be damned to the same place mine came from. The only thing that separates me and you is that I have chosen my fate, and you remain undecided,” the creature said. Its eyes were like endless pools of darkness.
“You have chosen your fate-yes, which is why you are here,” the man stated, and retrieved a folded parchment from his robes. “You have been charged with the onslaught and murder of innocent civilians, as well as the practice of dark magic. You will be hung at the gallows as a public symbol of our views against Haet and his followers.”
The creature remained silent and then a low rumble escaped its mouth, gradually evolving into a full cackle.
“Death only claims the living Theon,” the creature roared, and then its voice turned into a low whisper,
“But, I will not prevent you from your human practices. It has been a while since I’ve felt any real pain. Just you wait, your world will crumble just as easily as the rest. ”

˙˙˙
The creature’s eyes were dull now, void of their previous glow as it hung lifeless by the neck. It swayed slowly in an invisible breeze, blowing its stench away into the city. A few citizens gathered at the base of the gallows gazing up at the body. They murmured to each other about times when such bodies numbered in the dozens, and when the stench lingered for weeks on end. One of the viewers remained silent, still pondering over what the creature had said to him. Theon wrapped his cloak tightly around him, distorting the military insignia on it. He could not help but wonder if the creature was right. What if he was just as bad as the rest? The threats of the Haetirs grew more and more disturbing. They spoke of a change that would destroy the world forever, and the arrival of their leader Haet.
Theon turned away from the scene, and began to walk away. A voice called after him.
“Diedi Theon! Hold!” the voice called. Theon registered frantic footsteps and he turned around slowly. A messenger boy ran up to him, pounding hard on the cobblestone road and breathing heavily. “A message from Lord Geonargi sir. He wishes your company for dinner,” the boy said.
“Tell him I am honored,” Theon replied, dropping some coins into the boy’s hands, and turning away. Still the warning of the Haetir echoed in his mind.

˙˙˙
The dining hall of Lord Geonargi was a legend. It was said that chandeliers of pure diamond dangled above the table covered in gold linen, and that the food itself was to die for. Theon sat at the table now, wondering if the rumors were true. The ceiling stretched far above his head, creating an illusion of an endless sky. Warm carpet covered the floor, plush and thick as the mane of an Orgarian horse. The walls were covered in tapestries and paintings. Some of them depicted wars of long ago, and others of the Lord himself.
Theon waited patiently for the Lord to arrive and eyed his reflection in the wash basin. The water distorted his face but his signature features remained: his pale blue eyes, and wavy brown hair, along with his strong jaw and coy smile. The water rippled completely disturbing the reflection. Theon glanced up, and immediately jumped to his feet.
“Diedi Theon at your service my Lord,” Theon said, and saluted. Lord Geonargi stood at the far end of the table and smiled warmly, motioning for him to sit. The Lord was an ancient man. White hair spilled out of under his crown down to his shoulders. His face was kind, but only so because he never fought the wars he waged. Many people hated Geonargi because they thought he was a decrepit old man. Theon did not fully understand the man either. He appeared to be week, yet he had forged such an immensely powerful civilization.
“My dear Theon, do you ever age?” Geonargi wondered aloud, still smiling.
“I am told that I appear older than I am,” Theon answered.
“Life takes its toll is different ways,” Geonargi concluded, and finally sat down across from Theon, “I hear that you executed another Haetir.”
“Yes, a scouting party found it in an abandoned barn on the outskirts of the city,” Theon replied lowly.
“Ah, good work. I hope that our effort against them is fruitful,” Geonargi said. He unfolded his napkin and placed it on his lap. Slowly, he looked up and clapped his hands, “Shall we eat?”
Servants rushed into the room from various entrances carrying platters of steaming food. The smell was overwhelming and as they set them on the table and uncovered them, Theon stared in disbelief. He had never seen so much food in his life. There was venison, potatoes, bowls of freshly cut fruit, and even food he had never seen before. Eagerly they began to eat.
“I must say, I have never tasted such wonderful food,” Theon complimented.
“You are one of few,” Geonargi replied, and took a deep sip of wine. The two men ate merrily together, exchanging pleasantries. Unfortunately they were soon full, and the food was carried away. “Theon, there is war brewing in the south,” Geonargi said, his eyes narrowing, “It seems that the warnings of the Haetirs are proving truer that most of us guessed. People are becoming insane, slaughtering anything in sight. Even as we speak, I am receiving reports of sightings of Haetir. I did not invite you here just to eat, Theon. You’re here because I trust you. I want you and ten of your most skilled men to retrieve information about the doings in the south and report back to me.” Theon looked at his ruler and nodded his head.
“Right away,” Theon replied.


Valentine
Last edited by Valentine on Fri Mar 05, 2010 10:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a villain- TDK"

-My Bloody Valentine Reviews-




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 14356
Reviews 199
Okay here we go............... What I place in red is grammatical errors and what I place in blue is just other things.

Review for you Forward:

Forward

The night is an intoxicating time; a time when nothing is absolute. Words once spoken loudly become but whispers that barely leave ones lips. Happiness gradually fades into the back of ones minds, and fear ravages ones thoughts like a lethal poison. Darkness is merely a tool of the night. It smothers ones senses and answers all questions with questions. The only thing that keeps one alive in such a time is the faint memory that at the end of every night there is dawn, and light to wash away the misconception.

Love is an intoxicating feeling; a feeling that controls both the body and the soul. It blurs the lines between reality and dreams until they are the same. Love destroys things once perceived as beautiful and recreates them into something far for majestic than before. It breaks the strongest and places the weakest on top. Nothing is predictable when love is thrown into the mix. Nothing is safe.

Imagine a world twisted from its original course. A world, where night is all there is. Darkness is always present. Senses are always blurred and questions are never answered. Whispers resound through the night, pondering the condition of the present and the future. Whether or not the night will ever be taken by light is unknown, as is the certainty of life and existence. Not only does this world wonder aimlessly in endless night, it lacks the feeling that holds the weakest together, love.

Everything is done to survive. Lives are lost and forgotten. Lives are taken and forgotten. The world is practically void of all emotion because love is the basis of all feeling. Without love, there is no hate, happiness, or even sadness. There is just an endless search for an answer that can not be found. The world is dark, and dangerous. It is full of peril and death. I warn you- enter only on the brightest of the days- or even you will be engulfed be the night.

You know you could have left me some mistakes to clear up. You didn't have to make it so good!

Review for First Chapter:

Evil Never Dies Just placing an underline in on the title.

The eyes were dark as night. They remained still, and resembled congruent jewels glistening fervently. In a twisted sort of way, they were beautiful. They symbolized the fear and turmoil of the entire world, yet they glowed with an enticing light. How could something so evil be so beautiful?
The face behind the eyes was cruel. With jagged jaw and cheek bones, it appeared to be a skull with skin stretched thinly over it. The nose was sunken and deformed, as were the ears. The whole face was barely distinguishable and completely inhuman.
The body below it was weak, and sickly. Sack cloth clung to it in rags, but uselessly as the creature itself did not feel the icy chill the world felt, for it was the source.
A man stood across from the creature. He stared at it and his expression revealed no emotion, as he felt none. Dark hair clung to his face moist with sweat. The creature returned his stare, a thin pale tongue slipping in and out of its mouth.
“You are just as bad as the rest,” the creature spat, spittle spattering onto the man’s calm face. The creature’s voice was cenacle, and its tone was wispy and weak.
“Every man is at wrong in his own,” the man returned. His expression remained undeterred.
“You are just as vile, and disgusting as the worst. The fact that you are human does not change anything. Your soul will be damned to the same place mine came from. The only thing that separates me and you is that I have chosen my fate, and you remain undecided,” the creature said. Its eyes were like endless pools of darkness.
“You have chosen your fate-yes, which is why you are here,” the man stated, and retrieved a folded parchment from his robes. “You have been charged with the onslaught and murder of innocent civilians, as well as the practice of dark magic. You will be hung at the gallows as a public symbol of our views against Haet and his followers.”
The creature remained silent and then a low rumble escaped its mouth, gradually evolving into a full cackle.
“Death only claims the living Theon,” the creature roared, and then its voice turned into a low whisper,
“But, I will not prevent you from your human practices. It has been a while since I’ve felt any real pain. Just you wait, your world will crumble just as easily as the rest. ”

˙˙˙
The creature’s eyes were dull now, void of their previous glow as it hung lifeless by the neck. It swayed slowly in an invisible breeze, blowing its stench away into the city. A few citizens gathered at the base of the gallows gazing up at the body. They murmured to each other about times when such bodies numbered in the dozens, and when the stench lingered for weeks on end. One of the viewers remained silent, still pondering over what the creature had said to him. Theon wrapped his cloak tightly around him, distorting the military insignia on it. He could not help but wonder if the creature was right. What if he was just as bad as the rest? The threats of the Haetirs grew more and more disturbing. They spoke of a change that would destroy the world forever, and the arrival of their leader Haet.
Theon turned away from the scene, and began to walk away. A voice called after him.
“Diedi Theon! Hold!” the voice called. Theon registered frantic footsteps and he turned around slowly. A messenger boy ran up to him, pounding hard on the cobblestone road and breathing heavily. “A message from Lord Geonargi sir. He wishes your company for dinner,” the boy said.
“Tell him I am honored,” Theon replied, dropping some coins into the boy’s hands, and turning away. Still the warning of the Haetir echoed in his mind.

˙˙˙
The dining hall of Lord Geonargi was a legend. It was said that chandeliers of pure diamond dangled above the table covered in gold linen, and that the food itself was to die for. Theon sat at the table now, wondering if the rumors were true. The ceiling stretched far above his head, creating an illusion of an endless sky. Warm carpet covered the floor, plush and thick as the mane of an Orgarian horse. The walls were covered in tapestries and paintings. Some of them depicted wars of long ago, and others of the Lord himself.
Theon waited patiently for the Lord to arrive and eyed his reflection in the wash basin. The water distorted his face but his signature features remained: his pale blue eyes, and wavy brown hair, along with his strong jaw and coy smile. The water rippled completely disturbing the reflection. Theon glanced up, and immediately jumped to his feet.
“Diedi Theon at your service my Lord,” Theon said, and saluted. Lord Geonargi stood at the far end of the table and smiled warmly, motioning for him to sit. The Lord was an ancient man. White hair spilled out of under his crown down to his shoulders. His face was kind, but only so because he never fought the wars he waged. Many people hated Geonargi because they thought he was a decrepit old man. Theon did not fully understand the man either. He appeared to be week, yet he had forged such an immensely powerful civilization.
“My dear Theon, do you ever age?” Geonargi wondered aloud, still smiling.
“I am told that I appear older than I am,” Theon answered.
“Life takes its toll is different ways,” Geonargi concluded, and finally sat down across from Theon, “I hear that you executed another Haetir.”
“Yes, a scouting party found it in an abandoned barn on the outskirts of the city,” Theon replied lowly.
“Ah, good work. I hope that our effort against them is fruitful,” Geonargi said. He unfolded his napkin and placed it on his lap. Slowly, he looked up and clapped his hands, “Shall we eat?”
Servants rushed into the room from various entrances carrying platters of steaming food. The smell was overwhelming and as they set them on the table and uncovered them, Theon stared in disbelief. He had never seen so much food in his life. There was venison, potatoes, bowls of freshly cut fruit, and even food he had never seen before. Eagerly they began to eat.
“I must say, I have never tasted such wonderful food,” Theon complimented.
“You are one of few,” Geonargi replied, and took a deep sip of wine. The two men ate merrily together, exchanging pleasantries. Unfortunately they were soon full, and the food was carried away. “Theon, there is war brewing in the south,” Geonargi said, his eyes narrowing, “It seems that the warnings of the Haetirs are proving truer that most of us guessed. People are becoming insane, slaughtering anything in sight. Even as we speak, I am receiving reports of sightings of Haetir. I did not invite you here just to eat, Theon. You’re here because I trust you. I want you and ten of your most skilled men to retrieve information about the doings in the south and report back to me.” Theon looked at his ruler and nodded his head.
“Right away,” Theon replied.
[color=#00BFFF]Again nothing to edit!!![color=#00BFFF]

Overall Comment:

Grrrrrr! Nothing to edit!
I must say that it was really well done!!!! I mean I had nothing to comment on and nothing to edit! I've never come across that. You really have talent! Kepp going this is really good and I would like to find out more.
Grrr! I am so jealous!
I spy!




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 15446
Reviews 136
That was Awesome.I love it it seams like a cross between Star Wars and Fringe the show on T.V. Thank you for the review of my first work. I think I have gotten better since then.I hope you keep writing. There is really nothing to review because you didn't make any mistakes.Pm me when you're finished with the next chapter because I would like to read it.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8230
Reviews 102
Amazing story! You really have a knack for writing! You should publish a book.
"You may not be educated well in the areas of etiquette and the like as a princess, but you do throw some bashing good parties!"
Not all princesses are pink sparkles.
Exhibit A




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1980
Reviews 8
Wow! I'm really jealous. That was incredible, nothing in there to correct. I can't wait to read more. You're very talented. I absolutely love the way you describe things. I really felt like I was watching all of this instead of reading it. Anyway, it was absolutely amazing. Keep it up.(:




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 14091
Reviews 98
Great start. I enjoyed you vivid descrption of the dining hall especially.It warped me there and I could see myself ther in the room with Theon agast and enthralled by the grandness.Theon seems interestin so far, a real enigma that seem that he has a secret he's been guarded for most of his life. :D
"I became insane,with long intervals of horrible insanity."

"Their ideology is that human nature is fundamentally evil.In other words, humans are evil from the day they are born."

"Human is beatiful. Perfect is boring."




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1040
Reviews 2
I love your writing style. Unfortunately i didnt like the topic of the writing piece but with the way you wrote it you kept me reading. Some people on heres writing styles are completely different and i would not continue to read their work and accept there criticism because i dont like their work. Please check out my first submission and give me comments !




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 8831
Reviews 202
Comments in red.

Valentine wrote:Valentine

Hello readers. This is my current project I'm working on. If you don't understand after reading it, this world is in complete night, and nobody feels love. I hope you enjoy it. Please tell me what you think.

Forward:(0)
Forward

The night is an intoxicating time; a time when nothing is absolute. Words once spoken loudly become but whispers that barely leave one's lips. Happiness gradually fades into the back of one's minds, and fear ravages one's thoughts like a lethal poison. Darkness is merely a tool of the night. It smothers one's senses and answers all questions with questions. The only thing that keeps one alive in such a time is the faint memory that at the end of every night there is dawn, and light to wash away the misconception.

Very poetic and all, but I'm looking for the beginning of a story. Love the way you write, but you've got less than a paragraph to drag the reader into the story. You can put this somewhere in the middle. Don't stick it in the beginning, where I'll be like: oh cool but where's the story?


Love is an intoxicating feeling; a feeling that controls both the body and the soul. It blurs the lines between reality and dreams until they are the same. Love destroys things once perceived as beautiful and recreates them into something far for majestic than before. It breaks the strongest and places the weakest on top. Nothing is predictable when love is thrown into the mix. Nothing is safe. Very quotable, but still. Story, wherefore art thou? :(
Imagine a world twisted from its original course. A world, where night is all there is. Darkness is always present. Senses are always blurred and questions are never answered. Whispers resound through the night, pondering the condition of the present and the future. Whether or not the night will ever be taken by light is unknown, as is the certainty of life and existence. Not only does this world wonder aimlessly in endless night, it lacks the feeling that holds the weakest together, love. I don't want to imagine. I want you to show me. :p
Everything is done to survive. Lives are lost and forgotten. Lives are taken and forgotten. The world is practically void of all emotion because love is the basis of all feeling. Without love, there is no hate, happiness, or even sadness. There is just an endless search for an answer that can not be found. The world is dark, and dangerous. It is full of peril and death. I warn you- enter only on the brightest of the days- or even you will be engulfed be the night. Honestly, very poetic but skip it. I know you love it, but you know what they say - murder your darlings (in writing, I mean). Also, I have a feeling this might mean more as an epilogue. :)


Chapter 1
(1)
Evil Never Dies

The eyes What eyes? 0o Maybe you should say his or her. Or those. But not the. were dark as night. They remained still and resembled congruent jewels glistening fervently. This sentence kind of crosses into purple prose, IMO. But the others don't seem to mind so ignore me. In a twisted sort of way, they were beautiful. This sentence, on the other hand, I like. *thumbs up* They symbolized the fear and turmoil of the entire world, yet they glowed with an enticing light. How so? How could something so evil be so beautiful?
The face behind the eyes was cruel. With a jagged jaw and Don't all faces have cheekbones? I think you mean pronounced cheekbones. :)cheek bones, it appeared to be a skull with skin stretched thinly over it. The nose was sunken and deformed, as were the ears. The whole face was barely distinguishable and completely inhuman.
The body below it was weak and sickly. Sack cloth clung to it in rags, but uselessly as the creature itself did not feel the icy chill the world felt, for it was the source. This last sentence is kind of awkward.
A man stood across the creature. He stared at it and his expression revealed no emotion, as he felt none. I'm not feeling too sure about this last sentence. Dark hair clung to his face, moist with sweat. The creature returned his stare, a thin pale tongue slipping in and out of its mouth.
“You are just as bad as the rest,” the creature spat, spittle spattering onto the man’s calm face. The creature’s voice was cenacle and its tone was wispy and weak.
“Every man is at wrong in his own,” the man returned. His expression remained undeterred.
“You are just as vile and disgusting as the worst. The fact that you are human does not change anything. Your soul will be damned to the same place mine came from. The only thing that separates me and you is that I have chosen my fate while you remain undecided,” the creature said. Its eyes were like endless pools of darkness.
“You have chosen your fate-yes, which is why you are here,” Kind of awkward, but not too awkward. the man stated as he retrieved a folded parchment from his robes. “You have been charged with the onslaught and murder of innocent civilians, as well as the practice of dark magic. You will be hung at the gallows as a public symbol of our views against Haet and his followers.”
The creature remained silent. Then, a low rumble escaped its mouth, gradually evolving into a full cackle. I changed it so it would flow a little better.
“Death only claims the living, Theon,” the creature roared, and then its voice turned into a low whisper, “but, I will not prevent you from your human practices. It has been a while since I’ve felt any real pain. Just you wait, your world will crumble just as easily as the rest. ” Intriguing, but I kind of don't get it. Still, I'm drawn enough to your prose to wait and find out.

˙˙˙
The creature’s eyes were dull now, void of their previous glow as it hung lifeless by the neck. It swayed slowly in an invisible breeze, blowing its stench away into the city. A few citizens gathered at the base of the gallows gazed up at the body. They murmured to each other about times when such bodies numbered in the dozens, and when the stench lingered for weeks on end. One of the viewers remained silent, still pondering over what the creature had said to him. Theon wrapped his cloak tightly around him, distorting the military insignia on it. He could not help but wonder if the creature was right. What if he was just as bad as the rest? The threats of the Haetirs grew more and more disturbing. They spoke of a change that would destroy the world forever, and the arrival of their leader Haet.
Theon turned away from the scene, and began to walk away Beware word repetition. You used two aways too close to each other.. A voice called after him.
“Diedi Theon! Hold!” the voice called. Theon registered frantic footsteps and he turned around slowly. A messenger boy ran up to him, pounding hard Not liking the "pounding hard". Makes me think he was hitting it instead of running on it. Maybe add shoes before the phrase? So that it would be shoes pounding hard? It would make more sense that way, IMO. on the cobblestone road and breathing heavily. “A message from Lord Geonargi sir. He wishes your company for dinner,” the boy said.
“Tell him I am honored,” Theon replied, dropping some coins into the boy’s hands, and turning away. You don't need to tell us he turned away all the time. @@ Also, I want more transition between that sentence and the coming one. Still the warning of the Haetir echoed in his mind.

˙˙˙
The dining hall of Lord Geonargi was a legend. It was said that chandeliers of pure diamond dangled above the table covered in gold linen and that the food itself was to die for. Theon sat at the table now, wondering if the rumors were true. Well, he's there. Why is he wondering? Shouldn't he be able to see for himself? 0o The ceiling stretched far above his head, creating an illusion of an endless sky. Warm carpets covered the floor, plush and thick as the mane of an Orgarian horse. I like the way you contributed to the little details of the world with that sentence. The walls were covered in tapestries and paintings. Some of them depicted wars of long ago, and others of the Lord himself. This sentence isn't super awkward, but it's still somewhat awkward. Rephrase.
Theon waited patiently for the Lord Oh. For a while back there I thought you were talking about the Christian God. >>" Ignore me. My fluke. And this is a random note. to arrive and eyed his reflection in the wash basin. The water distorted his face but his signature features remained: his pale blue eyes and wavy brown hair, along with his strong jaw and coy smile. Why is he smiling coyly at himself? 0o The water rippled, completely disturbing the reflection. Theon glanced up and immediately jumped to his feet.
“Diedi Theon at your service my Lord,” Theon said, and saluted.

Lord Geonargi stood at the far end of the table and smiled warmly, motioning for him to sit. The Lord was an ancient man. White hair spilled out from under his crown down to his shoulders. His face was kind but only so because he never fought the wars he waged. Many people hated Geonargi because they thought he was a decrepit old man. Eep. Show. Theon did not fully understand the man either. He appeared to be weak, yet he had forged such an immensely powerful civilization. Show.
“My dear Theon, do you ever age?” Geonargi wondered aloud, still smiling.
“I am told that I appear older than I am,” Theon answered. What? Then why would Geonargi ask such a question if he looks older than he really was?
“Life takes its toll is different ways,” Geonargi concluded No need to add a tag to everything. You could just put , "Geonargi sat down across Theon.", and finally sat down across from Theon, “I hear that you executed another Haetir.”
“Yes, a scouting party found it in an abandoned barn on the outskirts of the city,” Theon replied lowly. "Said" is your friend. It's an invisible tag.
“Ah, good work. I hope that our effort against them is fruitful,” Geonargi said. He unfolded his napkin and placed it on his lap. Slowly Beware of adverbs., he looked up and clapped his hands, “Shall we eat?”
Servants rushed into the room from various entrances carrying platters of steaming food. The smell was overwhelming and as they set them on the table and uncovered them, Theon stared in disbelief. He had never seen so much food in his life. There was venison, potatoes, bowls of freshly cut fruit, and even food he had never seen before. Eagerly they began to eat. Good paragraph. I feel hungry now. 0o
“I must say, I have never tasted such wonderful food,” Theon complimented. "Said" is your friend.
“You are one of few,” One of the few who what? Geonargi replied, and took a deep sip of wine. The two men ate merrily together, exchanging pleasantries. Unfortunately they were soon full and the food was carried away. “Theon, there is war brewing in the south,” Geonargi said, his eyes narrowing, “It seems that the warnings of the Haetirs are proving truer that most of us guessed. People are becoming insane, slaughtering anything in sight. Even as we speak, I am receiving reports of sightings of Haetir. I did not invite you here just to eat, Theon. You’re here because I trust you. I want you and ten of your most skilled men to retrieve information about the doings in the south and report back to me.” Theon looked at his ruler and nodded his head.
“Right away,” Theon replied.

Valentine


Final thoughts:

Everything is good so far, except for the prologue. I highly recommend you discard it. Or put it somewhere else. It doesn't belong in the beginning.

So far I'm liking this story. :D

This review is made up from my opinion so none of it is definitive. I do hope it's helpful, though. PM me if you have questions about this review.

Sincerely,

Kara
"The moral of this story, is that if I cause a stranger to choke to death for my amusement, what do you think I’ll do to you if you don’t tell me who ordered you to kill Colosimo?“

-Boardwalk Empire

Love, get out of my way.


Dulcinea: 2,500/50,000



If you don't know it's impossible it's easier to do. And because nobody's done it before, they haven't made up rules to stop anyone doing that again, yet.
— Neil Gaiman