The Runaway (Chapter1.2)

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What was it about this man that made me want to leave John and run away with him?

“Pleased to meet you,” I said, sitting down between my mother and the guest. “What brings you to this house?”

“Sabrina,” my mother hissed, “Don’t be rude. This is obviously the homiest looking house on the block, won’t you agree?” She looked at Adam, her sharp eyes pressuring him to think so.

“Quite a fine house,” he sipped his tea, eying me.

“So, where are you headed?” I asked, trying to make conversation. The fact that his eyes were shifting around my face was somewhat distracting, for all I wanted to do was stare at him back. But, I was forced to focus my attention on the inside of my tea cup.

“Well, I have been traveling for quite a while, so I would like rest here for a few days, if not more. My next venture is over the Comanche Mountains.” My eyes widened. How long had it been my dream to cross those mountains, and see what lie beyond this strange town?

“The Mountains?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

“Yes, the Mountains.”

“Alone?”

“I have traveled those Mountains so many times, the evil that dwells there doesn’t bother with me anymore.” He grinned.

“Why, how brave you are,” I added sarcastically before standing up. “I had a long day, mother. Would you come to say goodnight in a few moments?”

She nodded, surprised. I walked to my room, past our living room, which consisted of books, books, books, and a couch. My room was the second door on the left, just after the bathroom. Our guest was probably sleeping on the couch.

I threw my pale pink sweater on my bed, not caring much for repelling wrinkles. I sat myself down on my blue quilt lined bed. This strange man was hovering in my house, claiming to be on a quest for the King. For some reason, my odd brain did not believe his story. He seemed too cocky to be someone of high-class. But, another part of me wanted to hear his stories; living through his memories was better than not knowing about the world at all.

A knock on the door, “Come in, mother.” She entered in her dark blue dress, with a white apron tied over it. Her thick brown hair that I had inherited from her was in a tight bun; she liked it up, while I liked it down.

“Mother, why would you agree to let such a strange man enter our house?” I asked as she shut the door behind her.

“Because, we are a kind family. Ever since your father died I-“ She stopped to catch her breath, “I have been trying to change who we are.” She walked over and pressed a hand to my shoulder. “I know it may seem strange at first, but after a few fays you will be used to a man living in our house again.”

“But a strange man; a man who could be a liar and a murderer, and we would not know.”

“I promise, he is not a murderer.” She rubbed my back, “Is there something wrong,

Sabrina?” She stared at me with wide, curious eyes until I answered.

“Mother, John proposed.” I displayed my finger before her, letting her take in the gleaming clear stone that lay atop a gold band.

“Oh, honey, that’s wonderful!” She hugged me, then stood. “To think, my only child is getting married!”

“Uh, yes. Its glorious.” I tucked myself under my covers, not caring to undress. My mother bent over my head and kissed my forehead slightly.

“I love you dear.” She said as she turned, walked to my door and closed it behind her. I heard the muffled voices of the man and my mother, then heard her door close as well.
What shall I do about this man? It has been nearly ten years since there was a man in this house; to think I was eight when my father died. I missed him, a lot; almost as much as mother did.

But, I couldn’t help thinking this might be a good thing. I would have to live with John soon, it would be quite alright getting used to living with a man my age for a while. Yes, Adam seemed young enough to help me with that dilemma. He was so handsome, and I could hardly believe a man that good-looking worked for the Kings personal army. Oh, how much I wanted to discover what he was really doing in my home…


I awoke to pans clanking again. I never realized before how frantic my mother got when guests were in the house. I got up, and put on a simple white dress with blue pockets near the bottom. No reason to dress up for Adam, after all.

I stepped outside my room and across the hardwood floors of my house. It was cold, as it always was in the morning. “Good morning, mother.” I said, noticing that our guest had not accompanied my mother to the kitchen.

“Oh, dear, would you please take the potatoes out of the oven?” she asked.

I walked over to the oven, and grabbed the towel that rested next to it on the counter. Unlike John’s, our counters were all light wood, no granite whatsoever.

I opened the oven door, my hand covered with the towel. The oven was hot, and still on fire, but I grabbed the hot potatoes anyway. I was just about to place them on the counter when, “Sabrina, good morning.” I dropped the potatoes all over my feet, I immediately felt the pain from the quick blow of hot potatoes. “Oh, let me help you.”

Our guest scrambled over to me, but I stepped in his way, and picked them up myself. “That’s quite alright.” I walked to the sink and rinsed them off. What a wonderful way to start the morning.

“How was your sleep?” He asked, stepping up beside me.

“Satisfactory.” My mother shot me a look, “And yours?”

He nodded, “best couch I ever slept on.” He winked a wink that seemed more demeaning than anything.

“Yes, well it’s the finest in this side of the mountains.” How come I related those high rigid walls to everything I said? I grabbed the dirty dishes my mom had made from cooking eggs and washed them in the sink, while she set the table. Adam just stood next to me, watching ever move I made. “Mother, I believe I will go see John today.” I snuck a look at Adam, to make sure he heard me.

“Oh! Why don’t you take Adam to town before you go? I’m sure he has been waiting to see it.” My mother looked at me with those eyes again. As soon as I married John, I would never have to listen to those persuasive eyes again.

“I have.” He looked at me and smiled. I suppose I had no choice.

I hope you like it. I appologise for it taking so long to get to the good part! :D




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Very good, usually I don't like this genre. But your story really captured my attention.
"No matter where life takes you, there will always be one person waiting for you, right where you left them."-Kimmy




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Hey. :) I'm Kylie... and, well, you know why I'm here. >.<


I read the first part after everyone else had reviewed and I didn't really want to sound redundant, so here I am to review this! Yay!

First of all, for some reason I really like Sabrina's character. She covers her true feelings nicely and in a brilliantly sarcastic way. (I love sarcasm. Ha.)

Nitpicks

How long had it been my dream to cross those mountains, and see what lie beyond this strange town?

Should be lay or lied. (Pretty sure it's lay.)

I suppose I had no choice.

Should be supposed.

He nodded, “best couch I ever slept on.”

Put a period after nodded, and capitalize the b in best.


That's all the time I have, but I really enjoyed this! Can't wait to see what happens when Sabrina and Adam go to town!

~ Kylie
a one-lined soap opera, babelfished:
"it is excellent, accept banana!"




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Yo,
First: very nice details of everyday life. Not the potatoes falling - that was a little cliche, no offence; but noticing how her mom starts fussing when her guests are in the house, and jumping from mood to mood concerning the two men characters is very realistic.
Second: I'm dying to find out whether this is the past, the present, the future, or a parallel reality!
Third: if it is not our time and our world, how about playing the age of consent a little? Getting married at eighteen is a super late invention, are they a post-englightenment society?
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness.
Robert Howard




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Hey there Classy!
Thanks for PMing me about your second part.
Hopefully my review helps!

So here we go!

But, I was forced to focus my attention on the inside of my tea cup.

I'm pretty sure you loose the comma after 'but'. Also, maybe you should add 'instead' after cup.

which consisted of books, books, books, and a couch.

Ahahaa.
I like this.

He seemed too cocky to be someone of high-class

This surprises me.
I thought high-class people were cocky.

A knock on the door, “Come in, mother.”

I heard a knock on the door, "Come in, Mother."
something like that?

but after a few days you will be used


"Sabrina?”

You forgot your quotation mark.

I immediately felt the pain from the quick blow of hot potatoes. “Oh, let me help you.”

Okay this was funny except, I didn't hear her scream.
Maybe you should add a description so we know what type of pain she's feeling with hot potatoes on her feet. I mean, I'd scream! =]

watching every move I made.


Sorry about the nit-picks!
***
Overall
Okay, this was good.
I really like Sabrina's character, she's funny. Oh, and that Adam scares me for some reason...hmmmm.
You did a pretty good job writing this. There's only a few tips I'd like to give you.
Try to make this flow a little nicer, it was a bit choppy in my opinon. Watch out for your commas. I spotted a few typos, so make sure you review your work before posting. You know, so you catch those nasty typos and missed quotation marks. =]
Other than that, I enjoyed reading this.
I can't wait to see what happens next.

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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This is obviously the homiest looking house on the block,

When I first read this I thought it said horniest house. And I thought, what wonderful characterisation. In one line her mother has become my favourite character. Then I saw that I'd misread, but - it's a suggestion. If you've already got the mother all planned out and it's a hassle, or it doesn't click with you, don't change it just for me.

Adam going to the mountains + her always dreaming about going to the mountains + her supposed to be settling in with John = conflict. Good, I can see where this is going and I like it. Adventure and plenty of emotional tension.

I like Sabrina's voice. She uses aristocratic sounding phrases like:
“That’s quite alright.”

and
Uh, yes. Its glorious.”

But it sounds as if she's saying them mockingly, giving her a "holier than thou" edge to her personality. I like it.

Adam too seems to be a bit cocky, but in a less subtle way. I can see these two are likely to click with each other. John on the other hand seemed a bit unsure of himself and underconfident, so I can see that Sabrina might want to ditch him for Adam.

The time period seems disjointed and unresearched, or just fuzzy. Kings, messengers, quests, the way the characters speak all point to a late medieval period. However, the presence of an oven, a bathroom, a couch in a poor person's house all point to the 20th century. I know it's fantasy, but its still best to stick with real world time periods otherwise the reader will get confused.

This chapter was a big improvement on the previous. The characters are coming alive, and I can feel the static building as the inevitable love triangle conflict draws near.
Q: Where do you go to buy shoes?

A: At the shoez canal, lol.




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I now feel that the story is picking up.
It a very, very interesting.
The only thing i found odd was the modern lifestyle of Sabrina in the medieval times when there were kings and all that. But never mind, this is what is bringing that classy touch to the story!
Please PM me when you would have posted the next chapter !
Enjoy every moment of your life; you never know when it might come to an end...




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thanks to everyone who read and commented. I have finished chapter five, and i hope you like this enough for me to post that far, because that is where the story really progresses. I will try to post new chapters daily. Thank you all for your honest opinion. I know i am not the best writer, but i want to tell me stories in whatever way i can!
~Classy




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Once again, very well done!! I am really liking this story. I'm intrigued to see which way it heads off to, though I think I have a bit of an idea. The part I am looking for is when she goes off with Adam and she has to tell John!! (oooh the drama!!) Everyone else has picked up on the things I noticed, so I won't go through them again. I'm still a little confused over the time period though, as baron vrinda pointed out.
I will eviscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. I was naked for a day; you will be naked for eternity.
Chaucer, A Knight's Tale

Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.
Oscar Wilde



This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.
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