Ballad of the Blood (0)

I am thirteen years old. Here's my story. Well, not my life story, the story i wrote. Please comment, i need comments!!! This is the prologue, setting up the story. Only one of the characters is in the real story.



Gray wisps of smoke rose up in tendrils and dissolved as they reached the sky. A silver moon shone from its perch on the small village below. An insignificant little speck compared to the vastness of the world and just a reflection of the fire.
The children could barely make out the cloaked figure as he hobbled down the dirt path leading to their village. Visitors were rare and some one as old as this was even rarer. The man wore and old tattered robe, gray in color to match his long, flowing hair. He held onto an old wooden staff to support himself but he didn’t seem to lean on it as much as he should.
The children just stared at the man, frozen from their late night games. They could hear him muttering to himself in an unrecognizable monotone. A mother called for a child to come in for bed but nobody moved. Moments later the man passed the children and continued on as if he did to not even notice them. Even as some of the children smelled the stale smell of smoke on his robes, they couldn't understand him.
The children all let out a breath they didn’t realize they were holding and wiped sweat off their foreheads. A light coat of ice had formed on the grass around them.
“Who-who was tha-at.” A young boy whispered nervously, as if he talked normally the man would hear them. Nobody answered. The boy waited for a moment then curled up his lip and ran along the trail the man at taken into the village. He didn’t get far before he could hear the others following behind him.
Their village was not rich. It was a small fishing village at the water's edge. Nobody of importance ever came here, but something told him that this man was far more than important.
Raw fish hung along the path and nets and tackle were scattered in the dirt. Soon he came near the center of the village, where they held their meetings and cooked on the fire. The boy could feel the heat before he saw the fire. It was so hot he saw silver heat waves dancing up towards the moon. He walked forward until he could almost touch the fire and the smokes burned his eyes.
“Is it hot?” a gruff voice asked from behind him. The boy whirled around. “Are you deaf boy, is it hot?” the answer was so obvious the boy faltered for a moment.
“Ye-yes. Very hot.” The boy answered timidly. The voice belonged to the old man. Through the boys half opened, burning eyes, he could barely see him clutching his staff tightly to his chest and pursing his lips.
“It’s been a lo- well anyways sit down-sit down.” The man said and gestured to a log next to the fire. "It’s a perfect night for a fire isn’t it? Nothing better than falling asleep to crackling of fire.”
The boy nodded but realized the man wasn’t listening to him any more. After wiping soot off the log the boy sat down and got a closer look at the man. His body was old and wrinkled but his eyes still twinkled with life. And when he looked deeper he thought he could see a purple glow but he shook his head and it was gone. Just as he looked down from the man to his dirty feet, the rest of the children sat down as near to the fire as they could get.
The man just stood holding his staff and staring at the night sky. It was completely silent until a girl boldly asked a question.
“What are you” she said. It seemed like an awkward or even rude question. It's not usually the first question you ask somebody, but all the children held their breath for the answer. They all felt that same feeling deep inside that it mattered more what this man was than who he was. They could see it in his eyes and in the heat of his breath. The man didn’t answer for a while. He just kept on staring.
“You do not want to know about me,” he said. “ Nobody should want to. Unless you want to be awake all night jumping at every noise. No, but it does seem a perfect night for a story. And if you listen close you might find your answer." He didn’t sit down and he didn’t look at them. He just stood, he eyes fixed on the sky. It starts out on night much like this in a land far away. A battle was about to be waged, and fear could be smelled in the air. And so the story was told. Time seemed to stand still.

Hi there infinite reality! Okay, you’re very new and I would recommend you stop by the Welcome Forum and leave a post about yourself in order to get to better know the rules and such of YWS.
But one rule I should mention now is the one about review ratio. For every one piece of literature you post, we (and by we I mean the members of YWS) expect you to review at least three other pieces, though we won’t say anything if you review more then three. So check out the Literature Forums as well and find some great pieces to review. I promise it can be a lot of fun.
Anyway, on to the review!!!

Opening Line

Gray wisps of smoke rose up in tendrils and dissolved as they reached the sky.

This is actually a really amazing opening line as far as the way it’s written. However, what you should remember about opening lines is that they are meant to grab your readers by the throat and pull them into the story. Right now, you just have some very lovely and well constructed writing.

Nitpicks

The man wore and old tattered robe, gray in color…

Ooop, typo! I think you mean ‘an.’ It happens.

His village was not rich.

Okay, this is more of a problem with idea. The village isn’t just his, it belongs, in some way, to all of them. So probably change ‘his’ to ‘their.’

Raw fish hung along the path and nets…

This sentence should be the beginning of a new paragraph because it begins a new idea.

Soon he came near the center of the village. Where they held their meetings and cooked on the fire.

These two sentences should be connected I believe and the easiest way to do that is to just turn the period into a comma and drop the case on ‘where.’

So hot he saw silver heat…

If I were you, which I’m not, but if I were, I would begin this sentence with ‘It was/’ This way you have a subject. Right now, all you have is a verb. To have a complete sentence, you need both.

to the fire. It’s a perfect night

You’re missing a dialogue mark in from of ‘it’s.’ Just a little something you have to be careful of when you’re writing dialogue.

…but he shook his head it was gone.

You’re missing the word ‘and’ after ‘head.’ Not a big thing to fix.

It seemed an awkward or even rude question.

I would add the word ‘like’ after ‘seemed’ in order to create a smoother sentence.

Its not usually the first ask somebody, but all the children held their breathe for the answer.

Okay, this sounds a little awkward because you’re missing some words. First off, you should be saying ‘it’s’ not ‘its’ here. Really it’s just the opposite of what I mentioned earlier. And after first, you should have the words ‘question you.’ The last thing I want to bring up is in the second half of the sentence. ‘Breathe’ is a verb and that’s not what you want to use. Instead, you should say ‘breath’ which is a noun.

“You do not want to know about me.” He said.

I’ll tell you now, knowing how to punctuate dialogue is really important as a writer. Here, you need to turn the period after ‘me’ and drop the case on ‘he.’ Here’s a quick, easy article to look at for ways to remember your dialogue punctuation.

“ Nobody should want to.

There’s an unneeded space between the dialogue mark and ‘Nobody.’ Simple little typo.

It starts out on night much like this, in a land far away, at a tower, during a war.

Okay, this sentence lacks a lot of dimension. Try saying it with little additions like: “It starts out on a night much like this in a land far away. We were standing at the base of an ancient tower, in the midst of war.” Or something like that.


Overviews
Missing words: It was a problem that I noticed a lot throughout this piece. Sometimes little words would be omitted or an ‘an’ would be an ‘and.’ What I would recommend is really a very simple step. When you’ve finished writing something, sit down and read it out loud. That way you’ll hear when you’ve missed a word or misspelled a word. Just remember to do it slowly and word for word or you’ll start to read it the way you think it should sound instead of the way it’s written.

Story Depth: For a story to be a story, you need to remember that their needs to be conflict. Really and truthfully, this isn’t much of a story. As a beginning this is good though. What does this old man say to the boy? What role does the little girl play in it, if any? What is the old man’s story? Write more and you’ll have a wonderful story here.

Style: You actually have a wonderful style of writing going on here and a lovely tone that you write in. The way you put words together, especially in the beginning, was so wonderful. And I see that you have a lot of potential to write some amazing stuff.

If you want or need any help at all, please feel free to PM me. I would be thrilled to help you!

~lilymoore

I really enjoyed this story! Good job!

Hello infinite reality! I'm WD, and it's a pleasure to meet you and read your story. First, I would like to say that your title is a lovely one, and I don't entirely understand how it works in the context of the story, but it is a nice working title for your piece. As has been said by lilymoore, this story shows great potential, but due to the lack of conflict and general arc, it feels like it can be expounded upon. I felt like you were setting a story up here rather than telling a single story from beginning to resolution.

A few sentence-level issues to start:

A silver moon shined from its perch on the small village below

I believe 'shined' should be 'shone'.

An insignificant little speck compared to the vastness of the world, but holding enough power to change the course of eternity.

First half of the sentence--beautiful. Second half sounds a little cliche; I like the idea of having the second half emphasizing the importance of this city, but the cliche takes away from the intrigue.

Even as some of the children felt his warm breath on their skin they still couldn’t understand what he was saying.

Hmm, he'd have to be awfully close for them to feel his breath on their skin. If he's just passing by, I don't see how this works.

The children all let out a breath they didn’t realize they were holding and wiped sweat off their foreheads. The night was cold and an invisible wind whistled across the hills.

First sentence--very good. You have done a rather lovely job of showing us what is going on in this story rather than telling us thus far, but in the second sentence, you stray from that. Straying is not always a bad thing, as it can sometimes be used for emphasis or other things, but here I really think your 'showing' style needs to remain consistent. Don't tell us 'the night was cold'. Show us that it's cold--show us snow, shivering, ice--whatever you feel would contribute most to the story.

“Who-who was tha-at.” A young boy whispered nervously, as if he talked normally the man would hear them. Nobody answered. The boy grew annoyed at being ignored and ran along the trail the man at taken into the village. He didn’t get far before he could hear the others following behind him.
His village was not rich. It was a small fishing village at the water(')s edge.

Okay, our first window into a character's head. You introduce us to this boy, and I like the way you have kept him rather vague thus far, but, once more, it's important to show the emotion of this character rather than tell it. You tell us that the boy is getting annoyed, but I'd like to see some facial expression/visceral feeling/way that he runs that suggests this beside you telling us that he is annoyed. It goes miles to help your characterization and it is consistent with your style so far.

Nobody of importance ever came here. But something told him that this man was far more than important. Raw fish hung along the path and nets and tackle were scattered along in the dirt. Soon he came near the center of the village.((some sort of transition other than complete sentence break) Where they held their meetings and cooked on the fire. The boy could feel the heat before he saw the fire. So hot he saw silver heat waves dancing up towards the moon. He walked forward until he could almost touch the fire and the smokes burned his eyes.

The first two sentences are awkward and, as they are right now, I don't see them as especially necessary considering you have already established that visitors are rare. If you're going to keep them, I think you need an image or something more the sentence is doing to further the piece. Your use of 'along' is repetitive where it is highlighted red. The complete sentence break after 'near the center of the village' is awkward. I would suggest either making that one sentence or using a comma or dash to separate those thoughts.

The boy nodded but realized the man wasn’t listening to him any more. After wiping soot off the log the boy sat down and got a closer look at the man. His body was old and wrinkled but his eyes still twinkled with life. And when he looked deeper he thought he could see a dancing flame but he shook his head it was gone. Just as he looked down from the man to his dirty feet, the rest of the children sat down as near to the fire as they could get.

I'm not sure I understand this 'dancing flame' portion. I think you're missing a word in 'but he shook his head it was gone' and the flame part is interesting, but, considering this is a curious child, I have a hard time believing the kid would take a look, shake his head to not see anything and then let it go.

“Who-who was tha-at.” A young boy whispered nervously, as if he talked normally the man would hear them. Nobody answered. The boy grew annoyed at being ignored and ran along the trail the man at taken into the village. He didn’t get far before he could hear the others following behind him.

Okay, our first window into a character's head. You introduce us to this boy, and I like the way you have kept him rather vague thus far, but, once more, it's important to show the emotion of this character rather than tell it. You tell us that the boy is getting annoyed, but I'd like to see some facial expression/visceral feeling/way that he runs that suggests this beside you telling us that he is annoyed. It goes miles to help your characterization and it is consistent with your style so far.

“What are you” she said. It seemed an awkward or even rude question. It(')s not usually the first ask somebody, but all the children held their breathe (should be breath) for the answer. They all felt that same feeling deep inside that it mattered more what this man was than who he was. They could see it in his eyes and in the heat of his breath. The man didn’t answer for a while. He just kept on staring.

I enjoyed your idea of the children wanting to know what he was more than who he was, but, as a reader, I would like to see more detail that gives away what they feel. Are they staring at him? Are they huddled together half out of fear? Really try to envision this portion, and I think it will strengthen your first paragraph greatly. Also, you say that they can see that they need to know what he is in the heat of his breath--how can you see something in the heat of someone's breath?

“You do not want to know about me.” He said. “ Nobody should want to. Unless you want to be awake all night jumping at every noise. No, but it does seem a perfect night for a story. And if you listen close you might find your answer. He didn’t sit down and he didn’t look at them. He just stood fixated on the sky. It starts out on night much like this, in a land far away, at a tower, during a war.” And so the story was told, and time seemed to stand still.

Okay, first some grammar reworking....

“You do not want to know about me,” he said. “Nobody should want to. Unless you want to be awake all night jumping at every noise. No, but it does seem a perfect night for a story. And if you listen close you might find your answer." He didn’t sit down and he didn’t look at them. He just stood fixated on the sky. "It starts out on a night much like this, in a land far away, at a tower, during a war.” And so the story was told, and time seemed to stand still.

I think that's what you meant quote and dialogue-wise. Your old man has a distinct voice and I like it. First a nitpick: the word 'fixated' doesn't work for me. I think you should either say 'eyes fixed on the sky' or 'fixated by the sky'. The phrase 'fixated on' just doesn't work right now. In the last sentence, the repetition of 'and' is awkward. I would suggest either taking out the second 'and' or turning the the second half into a new sentence, so either: "And so the story was cold. Time seemed to stand still." or "And so the story was told. And time seemed to stand still." Despite the repetition, the second one works because it's parallel sentence structure. Do whichever sounds best to you.

A nice job here. As a whole....

--Characterization: your characterization is working well so far. The mystery you have woven around the old man works very nicely and I enjoy how you rely mostly on his dialogue to give him life. As for the boy and the other children, I think they can use more development. You do a lot more 'telling' with these characters, so focus on 'showing' us more of their reactions. Focus on facial expressions, visceral feelings and specific verbs to describe their actions; really try to envision what is happening. I undersatnd not all of the children are important enough to be fully developed, but showing the reader reactions makes the story much more personal and powerful.

--Writing Style: I am enjoying your writing style thus far. You seem to have a rather nice balance between images and actions thus far. I suggest paying more attention to your grammar and spelling. I know these things are small, but they are very distracting for readers if done incorrectly. Also, begin reading everything aloud. Your writing style shows a lot of potential and reading sentences aloud to really pay attention to the way they sound will help you improve.

A nice start. I'd like to read more of this story if you continue it. Keep on writing and if you have any questions, feel free to PM me. Nice job!

I think its well written and other than minor grammar and editing mistakes it reads well. It catches your attention, as described previously. Personally I'd hope for a bit more excitement in future chapters, but I understand it's only a prologue. You've got a good start here!
One thing:

“It’s been a lo- well anyways sit down-sit down.”

This sentence is awkward. Anyways is actually anyway, and should have a coma after it to read easier. I have to admit, the last couple sentences confused me as to what they were referring to.

Hiya! The name's Irish and I'm here to review you today

So, I think everyone who posted before me, caught everything so I'll just give you my honest opinion

I really liked the description you have in the beginning. The awe the children have at this man who is coming into their village. Which is strange in the first place correct?

The way you captured the children's innocence and curiosity too! It was great! I have several young cousins and they are like that in the sense they are incredibly curious about certain things.

So again, I really liked it! Especially the ending, how they actually did hear his story, but just listening around a fire. That has such a magical and natural quality that I really liked! Bravo my friend!

Keep up the great work!

-Irish

Heya Infinite, Morgan here!

I love your descrpitive powers. People say I have good descriptions, but yours were just... Wow. I give you a star. You definetely deserve it. I love this story. I'll go attempt review your other parts now. If I can find anything wrong that is. I couldn't find anything here, so I dunno.

Happy YWSing!

Morgan (Crocks)

I think that everyone else has covered the typos etc., so I am just going to tell you what I thought. This was very well written. The descriptions were amazing! I felt like I could reach out and touch everything that you wrote about. It was an amazing prologue, and I will definitely keep an eye out for more of your writing! Awesome job!