Bergamo - Part 1

This is a fantasy/sci-fi/alt history steampunk story. I hope you enjoy it. I'll keep posts to about 2 pages per post, so I don't scare away too many of the readers by length. Please read and review!

This is still in draft form.

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Bergamo, the massive city which spread forth across the land like a plague, enveloping the low valleys and high mountains in an attempt to subjugate nature in the name of progress. Towering smoke stacks belch steam and smoke into the air, causing perpetual black precipitation, black snow or oily rain to purify the citizens with the dark fruits of progress. Iron and steel pipes wind throughout the streets, springing forth from the buildings in a complex circuit devoid of common beauty. Street vendors sell information instead of food, factories produce labor and life and death become mere words.

The sun's light no longer reaches the city, killing the flowers and offering refuge to no creature. Even the hearty rat cannot survive in this metallic wasteland. The hymn of the choir is drowned in the grinding of gears and heavy footsteps upon the walkways, yet the forgotten gods still listen to those who seek the way. Changing with the times, they walk amongst the masses in a futile effort to restore the natural order. They take upon the names of the city's people, yet their subjugation is just as absolute as that of nature... which carefully hangs between extremes.

Countless thousands lived between the factories in shoddily-constructed shacks and tents supported by the various pipes and support towers between the factory modules. Hot steam pipes provided ambient warmth and those carrying water were tapped for precious drinking water. Often defended and fought for bitterly, Slumlords buy loyalty as one buys food, hoping it does not spoil before its due. These warriors, the Groundskeepers. They wore a uniform unique to any other, a composite of utility and iconography which designated them as such. Flowing garb and prongs, belts and banners, even advanced prosthetic limbs allowed them to be distinguished without word or rumor. Their existence was common, yet their abilities legendary, even amongst the gods which dwelt in Bergamo.

Two honorable Groundskeepers stood outside the gilded entrance to Slumlord Ironbiter's mansion-like shack. No more then a pile of carefully arranged steel roofing slats shaped into a form somewhat familiar with a bauble on a string. A lone maintenance walkway led visitors on a single file march nearly a kilometer in length to these perfect soldiers and their deadly rifles. Going by the names, Eagleye and Bullet, the twins wore matching outfits that made them unique amongst all Groundskeepers. Seeing originality as a threat to their individual weaknesses, they worked together as a single team. A deadly one at that.

Wearing a pale gray cloaks and masks of the ancient Deus of the Rifle their obscured figures left much to the imagination on just what part of their forms were flesh and bone. Garlands of bullets hung from their necks and down their back, a mantle of firepower feeding a hidden weapon within. Innumerable name tags adorned their cloaks. The sound of their movements was a metallic chime of death, each click and ting of the tags shifting and touching spoke of the thousands of lives the two had taken in the service of their master. Soon another trophy would grace their grim cloaks, a trophy of a rival and a fellow Groundskeeper.

With the aid of Eagleye's steam powered binoculars, he adjusted the magnification levers and focused in upon the female emissary and a man who followed in her footsteps. A squeaking hiss emanated from the tiny locks opened, the superheated water turning to vapor as it filled the void, leaving another chamber in the cogs vacant for the next click. One of the marvels of steamtech, near perfect insulators turned compressed steam into long lasting battery shells to power machinery with precise and steady flow of pressure in open mockery of the laws of nature.

As the binoculars focused in on the approaching figure, the blur of the crimson robe and wild blonde hair became crisp and focused. The gold embroidery leaves on her lappelle could be read, 'Deus ex Aquavapor', making Eagleye scowl at the audacity of the fair-faced bitch that wore it so proudly. A contemptuous scowl spread from cheek to cheek and piercing, terrifying eyes of the noblewoman disarmed the Groundskeeper with that gut-clenching look.

“Brother, lower your weapon. Lady Pisani approaches,” Eagleye now gazed upon the man she guarded, “Master Udinese... accompanies her as well.”

Master Ivo Udinese was one year younger then Lady Pisani, but they were well-known as a brother-sister duo of nobility. The elder Lady Pisani, God rest her soul, had created a lasting legacy with a premarital affair in which spawned the hellcat so charmingly named Rina Pisani. In an attempt to conceal the matter, quick to the marriage into the Udinese clan marriage bore another terrifying product in one year's time. The tame, but unpredictable Ivo Udinese, blood brother of Rina Pisani and suspected lovers in their own right.

Only by the grace of the inbred nobility did the Slumlords retain their power and that thought infuriated Bullet. He raised his arm up as he took aim, the steam cannon's black barrel emerging from the fold of his cloak, his finger already on the trigger.

“How dare they,” he clenched his teeth, “They belittle us, treat us as slaves, as monsters! To kill them would be so easy-”

“Their blood upon our doorstep would fell the houses of the Steamlords and Slumlords alike. Endure the humiliation and lower your weapon, brother.”

As Bullet lowered his weapon and ejected his namesake, he felt as if he was casting away himself once again. The life of a Groundskeeper was his second station, as it was for his brother, yet the feelings of resentment had steeled themselves within Eagleye, but not he. The flames of hatred still stoked the molten heart of his being and the desire for their undoing. The words of his wise brother were of truth, and the time was not yet right. He turned and headed inside to inform Ironbiter of the unwelcome guests.

The steam veil parted as he stepped over the threshold and into the hollowed out factory which Ironbiter claimed his own. Burst metal pipes billowed steam into the mansion of debris, massive cogs and gears were mired in concrete like rocks in sand, a testament to how violent of an explosion formed this place. The mansion was contained in a destroyer boiler nearly a kilometer in width and the walkway he crossed lay suspended over the devastation now regarded as Ironbiter's yard. A well-tended patch of destruction of steel beams and pipework polished up from the scorching heat. Imprints of the workers caught in the explosion seared themselves had etched themselves into many of large cogs and steel shells, their instantaneous vaporization allowed them graves without merit.

Far in front of him the walkway ended and the solid steel of the boiler began. He was, but a speck in comparison to its size. Spectral wisps of steam rising from the vehicles hung low in the air, billowing and cascading down from the plate in lackluster swells. Standing in the mist was the mighty figure of Ironbiter's personal bodyguard and fellow Groundskeeper, Estoc.

Your World as I See It:

This is a bitter, steam-powered world driven by progress. Factories dominate the city of Bergamo, and the workers eke out a meager existence in perpetual debt to Slumlords. They live in fear of the Groundskeepers, elite soldiers with the best equipment killing could require. Twin brothers Bullet and Eagleeye guard the house of Slumlord Ironbiter. Bullet has an extreme dislike of the Steamlords, especially the two who approach the gate.

Style:

I can't decide if I like the style or not. It's very acrid and dreary, which suits the world perfectly, but I'll need to read more to know if it's really effective. Right now, I think you might need to be a little more specific with some things. Example:

...purify the citizens with the dark fruits of progress

What kind of progress?

which carefully hangs between extremes.

What extremes? What is hanging between them, the subjugation, the gods, or nature?


Also, you tend to have repetitive word and phrase choice:

...enveloping the low valleys and high mountains in an attempt to subjugate nature in the name of progress. Towering smoke stacks belch steam and smoke into the air, causing perpetual black precipitation, black snow or oily rain to purify the citizens with the dark fruits of progress.

These two phrases both contain the word 'progress' and the same stylistic rhythm with '(noun) of progress'. Instead of using the word 'progress', try describing what progress is and use that description to show the negative nature of this progress. Ex: "the eternal driving consumption".

...tents supported by the various pipes and support towers between the factory modules. Hot steam pipes provided ambient warmth and those carrying water were tapped for precious drinking water.

Again, words are repeating. Try finding a different verb for 'supported' that better encapsulates the feel of how these tents are held together, or a different way to describe the towers. Do the same with the water. The first water is fine, since we need to know what the pipes carry, but use a description of what the water means to the people. Instead of just using 'water', call it maybe..."tapped for a few precious drops of life".

~Go through the whole manuscript and find all your repeated words. Examine them and see which one needs to change. When making the change, try to find a description that projects the feeling you want the reader to feel. Example: describing the water that the citizens steal from the pipes as "precious drops of life" conveys a sense of desperation and extreme poverty. One image you used was the oily rain purifying the citizens with the dark fruits of progress. It had an almost religious sense to it, and hinted that progress is the religion of Bergamo. That religious overtone would be even further emphasized by using 'baptizing' instead of 'purifying', but it's a great example of what I'm talking about with descriptions that project a feeling.~

Nuts and Bolts:

Your grammar is very consistent, which is fantastic! However, I spotted a few problems.

Bergamo, the massive city which spread forth across the land like a plague, enveloping the low valleys and high mountains in an attempt to subjugate nature in the name of progress.

Your first sentence is a fragment! What you have here is a noun-subject followed by an appositive phrase...and then nothing else. The bolded portion is just a description of what Bergamo is, but Bergamo needs to do something in the rest of the sentence: "Bergamo, the massive city which spread forth across the land like a plague, enveloping the low valleys and high mountains in an attempt to subjugate nature in the name of progress was the capital of the nation.

That's a really lame end to the sentence, of course, but you see what I mean.

The other issue I noted was a tendency to switch verb tense.

Street vendors sell...
factories produce ...
The sun's light no longer reaches the city...

All present tense description, which is fine...

Countless thousands lived...
Hot steam pipes provided ...
Slumlords

buy

...

...then it switches back and forth without rhyme or reason. This is something that shows up in a lot of early drafts, since we tend to not reread what we wrote before, and we can change tense without realizing it. Just double check them.

These warriors, the Groundskeepers.

This is another fragment. It's also an extremely rough jump, since before this sentence you haven't mentioned any warriors at all.

Two honorable Groundskeepers stood outside the gilded entrance to Slumlord Ironbiter's mansion-like shack. No more then a pile of carefully arranged steel roofing slats shaped into a form somewhat familiar with a bauble on a string.

These two sentences should be combined at "...shack, no more than..".

Characters:

We have two characters so far, Eagleye and Bullet. They are twin brothers and Groundskeepers for Slumlord Ironbiter. We are told they are honorable. They have unique uniforms for some reason, and they work very well as a team. They ascribe to something called the Deus of the Rifle (which sounds intriguing!) and they may or may not be completely flesh and bone. They pack serious heat. They don't like the Slumlords or the Steamlords.

I have a little trouble telling which brother has which thoughts.

As the binoculars focused in on the approaching figure, the blur of the crimson robe and wild blonde hair became crisp and focused. The gold embroidery leaves on her lappelle could be read, 'Deus ex Aquavapor', making Eagleye scowl at the audacity of the fair-faced bitch that wore it so proudly. A contemptuous scowl spread from cheek to cheek and piercing, terrifying eyes of the noblewoman disarmed the Groundskeeper with that gut-clenching look.

“Brother, lower your weapon. Lady Pisani approaches,” Eagleye now gazed upon the man she guarded, “Master Udinese... accompanies her as well.”

Eagleye has the binoculars. He's the only one we've really experienced as readers. We are in his head right now.

Only by the grace of the inbred nobility did the Slumlords retain their power and that thought infuriated Bullet. He raised his arm up as he took aim, the steam cannon's black barrel emerging from the fold of his cloak, his finger already on the trigger.

But this is what we get right after the description of the nobles. We jump into Bullet's head instead without any way of adjusting, so it looks like a mistake. We were seeing things from Eagleye's POV, and suddenly we're with Bullet? You need to clarify your POV shifts.

...yet the feelings of resentment had steeled themselves within Eagleye, but not he. The flames of hatred still stoked the molten heart of his being and the desire for their undoing.

I don't know, he seems pretty damn resentful! Eagleye seems more resigned than he does resentful. He's willing to accept their situation, while it seems that Bullet wants to rebel. He also seems to be plotting his rebellion.

Logic Wormholes:

These sometimes happen as a result of confused word order. Sometimes they come from the writer not knowing something, but I think this is the former.

The sun's light no longer reaches the city, killing the flowers and offering refuge to no creature.

I know what you mean to say with this sentence, however the way it's worded makes it seem as if the sunlight is what kills the flowers. Sunlight also doesn't offer refuge.

Going by the names, Eagleye and Bullet, the twins wore matching outfits that made them unique amongst all Groundskeepers. Seeing originality as a threat to their individual weaknesses, they worked together as a single team.

You have some confused concepts here. You mention uniqueness, and in the same breath say that these characters saw originality as a threat to their individual weaknesses. The sentence is telling me that Bullet and Eagleye see their uniqueness as a threat to their personal weaknesses, so that means they have to work together. If something is a threat to a weakness, that means it must help overcome said weakness...wouldn't they welcome that? This is very confusing. How does originality impact their personal weaknesses at all? And why would that make them work together as a team? I really have no idea what you're going for with this description.

...in the cogs vacant for the next click. One of the marvels of steamtech, near perfect insulators turned compressed steam into long lasting battery shells to power machinery with precise and steady flow of pressure in open mockery of the laws of nature.

How is this a mockery of the laws of nature?

“Brother, lower your weapon. Lady Pisani approaches,” Eagleye now gazed upon the man she guarded, “Master Udinese... accompanies her as well.”

This is technically a grammar issue, but I put it here because of what the grammar problem causes. The bolded section is the problem. The way this sentence works, it seems as it Bullet is telling Eagleye to lower his weapon, but Eagleye has the binoculars...it confuses the reader.
If someone gazes upon the man a woman guarded, no words would come out of their mouth. It should be something like: “Brother, lower your weapon. Lady Pisani approaches,” Eagleye said, now gazing upon the man she guarded. “Master Udinese... accompanies her as well.”
Dialogue goes like this:
"Speakingspeaking," I said/sighed/laughed/some word that describes speech and sound. "speaking speakingspeaking."
Note the punctuation.

As Bullet lowered his weapon and ejected his namesake,

This is just a little...weird. I understand that he's taking the bullets out of his gun, but if you made this more specific to his actions, it would make more sense and show more of his mindset. Go into a bit of detail about how he takes the clip out (assuming steampunk guns have clips). It would make it very clear that he's a soldier and he thinks like one. If you don't know gun terminology, look some up, or I can find out for you...I have ex-security friends.

Imprints of the workers caught in the explosion seared themselves had etched themselves

I think you just have one too many words here.

Jems:

Wearing a pale gray cloaks and masks of the ancient Deus of the Rifle their obscured figures left much to the imagination on just what part of their forms were flesh and bone. Garlands of bullets hung from their necks and down their back, a mantle of firepower feeding a hidden weapon within. Innumerable name tags adorned their cloaks. The sound of their movements was a metallic chime of death, each click and ting of the tags shifting and touching spoke of the thousands of lives the two had taken in the service of their master.

This is absolutely fantastic. Gorgeous imagery.

The hymn of the choir is drowned in the grinding of gears and heavy footsteps upon the walkways, yet the forgotten gods still listen to those who seek the way. Changing with the times, they walk amongst the masses in a futile effort to restore the natural order. They take upon the names of the city's people, yet their subjugation is just as absolute as that of nature...

This is wonderfully prophetic. It feels like a nicely subtle foreshadowing, and I like it.

Mission Report:

You have a great premise and what seems like a solidly built world that you've clearly thought about. The only issues you seem to have are easily fixable, and will probably sort themselves out naturally when you do a second draft. Good job so far! I'm definitely going to keep an eye out for this!

You have a great world here. I was always one for the grungy steampunk setting and you've captured a wonderful snapshot here of it.

The problem is, the setting seems to be getting in the way of the actual story. You've got about two pages of writing here and Jack-a-Lynn was able to sum what actually happens it it in about a paragraph.

Nothing much actually happens here. It's all worldbuilding. This is not to say not to worldbuild (it's sci-fi/fantasty/etc. after all), but the story should come first. Reading this the first time, I was subjected to a wonderful description of a world, but wasn't too excited about what was going on in it. Once we got to the action, I was impatient to get back to the description because the action was so little and rather drab. The dialogue got lost, the characters as characters (and not just as pieces of the scenery). I liked the character histories, now I want to actually meet the characters. They seems just to be playing parts at the moment, sort of lost in the world. Make them forefront and let the scenery be just that. Make them grab us as characters as much as the world grabbed us as a world.

That said, you do have wonderful language in your story. I whipped through this and read it twice more just to savor it. It's just that it's all description. Have a little less telling, a bit more showing. Rather than telling us about Bullet's anger, show us how he is angry. Have him act angry. He clenches his teeth, but most of it is you telling us about him. Sometimes a single action, emphasized by being alone, tells more about an emotion than a paragraph of description of that emotion.

I'd like to see where this goes. Like I said, your world has drawn me in. Now I want to know what sort of people inhabit this world.

~GryphonFledgling

Wow, so detailed, I hate to write this meager response, but I think Jack-a-Lynn has gone far deeper into this then I ever thought a reader would. Spotting errors I didn't even know I made at all.

Your points on the city, the inhabitants and indeed the actual gods are all true. I probably should not have started with these two Groundskeepers because they break this mandate of originality that is part of their code. Functioning as a sniper team on guard duty and as ghostly gunmen on assignments, their matching outfits are to disguise them. Most Groundskeepers are highly individualistic, rarely hiding themselves without reason. They may be assassins, but they are never criminals. As for the issue of rogue Groundskeepers, that is a matter which we will soon come up.

Also, Groundskeepers decide their own names, usually after a 'death', they designate themselves by monikers or their weapons, traditionally of course.

No Steamlords yet, but you were not far off.

I'll post the next piece soon and I hope the lack of action is okay to build for the political tension as Ironbiter comes face to face with Rina. After all, I cannot do a good prologue without intrigue and some build up.

Hey Ace! Stella here, I will be your reviewer today...

I. NITPICKS

Bergamo, the massive city which spread forth across the land like a plague, enveloping the low valleys and high mountains in an attempt to subjugate nature in the name of progress.

There's no main clause in this sentence, it doesn't make any sense . If you're going for the fragmented thing, try "Bergamo. The massive city..." if not, well, change it.

Wearing a pale gray cloaks and masks

no a.

Okay...

II. TENSE

You switch a lot in the first few paragraphs, then sort of settle into past. Be sure to read over and eliminated this- else make a clear break between where you go from present and past, right now, it just looks messy.

III. INFODUMPS

This felt kind of infodumpy. An infodump will overload your reader and put them off. Firstly, your descriptions here are wonderful, but I feel like there are too many of them at one time going on, there's a very thick layer that we have to get through to get to any plot. Not that they're bad. But maybe try spacing them out a bit. Other than that, there's still a lot of information to take in here. Take a breath, I think. Our brains can only hold so much, too much information and we lose interest. Don't put in so many details- like the two noble people, why not explain about them a little later on?

IV. OVERALL

This is actually really well written, only it's a little heavy.

Hope I helped-drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x