Redmont of Tranview (temporary title) prologue & ch. 1

This is the first part of a book I wrote for school because our teacher challenged us to. I have no idea if it's any good or not, or if it's anything people would like to read, but I'm hoping!
It's an adventure story of Round Table knights, magic, and horses- with a new twist.
Hope you enjoy!

Prologue:
At the gates of the Royal Greathorse Farm, early spring:
The fiery-red horse snorted. So this is what they always spoke of. From the top of a hill, he could see the large barn, white with a dark green roof, with a large tournament ring behind it. At the front of the barn there was a building, colored like the barn, probably for the office and staff. Surrounding the buildings were sprawling, green pasture lands. Past the turn-off he had just taken the road forked, towards the cities, but to the south of the farm lay a large evergreen forest.

He swished his tail nervously. What was he supposed to tell them? What if they turned him away? That was the last thing he needed. With a stubborn stomp of a hoof, he began down the hill. This time, he told himself with determination, he would keep a rein on his temper. No matter how hard he had to work to do it.

Several horses neighed a greeting as he approached, and a lady came out of the office door quickly. She was tall and slim, light brunette hair framing her elegant face and pale green eyes. Her dress only came halfway down her calf; she obviously moved about too much to have a floor-length one.

Redmont warily looked her over as she did him. He was incredibly tall, a good three or four hands over average height, with a long, slightly arced neck and long head, slim but strong long legs. His coat was a fire red, so bright it almost didn’t seem a possible color for a horse. He had three white stockings, on the front legs and the back right, and a curving blaze that made his head seem even longer.

He was a majestic horse, Madory thought, and had the heavyset build and look of determination in his eyes that could make him the ideal knight’s mount, with the right training.
“I’m Lady Madory. May I help you?” she asked. Redmont thought for a moment.

“I’m not sure. I hope you can,” he murmured quietly in his deep, strong voice. Lady Madory blinked. If she hadn’t been so used to the horsy talk, she never would have been able to understand his deep accent.

“Well, what is it you need help with?” she asked.
“Now that’s the mystery. They said you could help.”
Lady Madory smiled slightly. “So you’re a Greathorse?” she asked. It sounded like a rhetorical question.

“What’s that?” Redmont asked anyway.
She raised an eyebrow. “A Greathorse is a unique breed that has a type of magic-”
“Magic?!” Redmont gasped, “I… I thought only people did that!”

“Shhh!” Madory chided, “It’s the magic that allows you to speak the human language, among other things. That‘s how they come by the name- great horse- slid into one word. Anyway, when one is found, they are sent here, where they can be trained and given a worthy partner.” Redmont pinned his ears and backed a few steps, suddenly his dark eyes filled with fear.

“No! I… no owners. No master,” he stuttered, “No more.”
“Easy, big horse. You choose the partner.”
Redmont eyed her for a moment, then told her, “You say ‘partner’, but people always own horses.”

“Yes, but, you see, Greathorses are more than horses. Long ago the king made a treaty with them, and they are highly respected. When they are ready, Greathorses choose a partner, one who understands this.” Redmont snorted softly. He’d never heard of this. But there was a lot that was new to him.

Madory smiled. “Well, what’s your name? And where are you from?”
“Redmont. I… suppose I’m from Tranview.”
“Redmont of Tranview, welcome to the Royal Greathorse Farm.”
~ ~ ~
At the cottage deep in the forest, north of Camelot:
“Torr, are you ready?” came the yell from the cottage. Torr shrugged as he pulled his boot on.
“S’pose,” he muttered unenthusiastically.
Actually, he wasn’t looking forward to his journey. Why was he even going to try to get a Greathorse? Though he had nothing against knights, it wasn’t his ambition to be one. How could he get a horse if he wasn’t a squire, or some other type of apprentice? It didn’t make sense.

But he was no one to argue with his Aunt Lynn. She had a powerful gift of Sight. She could See future, prophecies, and many a great things. But she tended to confuse it with the present; she was cagey and brittle, and Torr had never been very fond of her. But now? She must have lost it, officially, Torr decided. She was going to make him look like a fool. But what choice did he have? With a sigh, he headed out the door, making his way for the Royal Greathorse Farm, to register.

Chapter 1:
Royal Greathorse Farm; six months later:
“Whoa.” with a slight pressure from the reins, Redmont came from a sideways trot to a standstill.
“Ah, you’ve made amazing progress in these past months,” Sir Calvin said as he jumped from the saddle. He was an older, experienced knight, slightly shorter than average height, but broad-shouldered enough to make up for it. The knight was the charger-to-be’s instructor on the knight-horsely arts at the Royal Greathorse Farm, as well as Madory’s husband. Thin dark hair was cropped short over his head, with sun-tanned skin and hard hazel eyes that had seen much. As always he wore his brown leggings, tall boots, chain mail shirt, and a tunic, grey today.

The Royal Greathorse Farm crested the right shoulder- a horse and rider standing face to face outlined black against a yellow-orange light. He was a hard instructor, but a good one, and had taught Redmont most of what he now knew about knights faster than Redmont would have thought possible.

At first Redmont was going to ignore him, but then he asked, “You think so?”
“Oh, definitely. On the flat, you know as much as the rest, you’re the best in the jousting, and although you don’t have the body strength of Calimar, you’re quick and can outfox him.” Redmont snorted in pleasure. He knew Sir Calvin wouldn’t say anything unless he meant it.

It wasn’t until the bell rung later that afternoon that Redmont realized today wasn’t just an ordinary day. Today they would be told if they were eligible to enter Bond Day. It had been six months since he‘d arrived at the Greathorse Farm. He hoped he’d made enough progress to enter. Most Greathorses stayed at the Farm for at least a year, and usually longer.

One by one, the Greathorses were lead into the barn. Redmont was one of the last. Calimar, his one close friend, came out cheerfully, at least as cheerfully as he got, then bumped Redmont gently on the shoulder.

—Come on buddy!— Calimar said in Horse, their preferred form of communicating. —You aren’t doing yourself any good out here— Redmont snorted in retort, then headed for the gate. The groom laid a hand on his neck, guiding him into the large indoor arena. Seated on chairs were Lady Madory, Sir Calvin and the other knights who helped train the chargers, Herald Gralden (Herald horse instructor), and a few other people Redmont didn’t know.

“Hello, Redmont of Tranview,” Lady Madory greeted, “How is your day?” Redmont hesitated before replying,
“Hello, Mistress, I’m just fine.”

“Now Redmont,” Sir Calvin started, “I’ve known you for barely half a year, and you’ve made tremendous progress. You meet my standards of basic horsemanship and knight-horsely arts, and you’ve an attitude and determination that should suit you well in the world. Is there anyone who would wish to counteract that?” Sir Calvin asked. When nobody responded, Lady Madory said,
“You have learned how to control and safely use your magic. I would wish to further your education in it, but that is nothing to hold you back.

“Normally,” she continued, “I never would even consider letting a Greathorse enter after only six months, and this isn’t an advantage to you. You still have much to learn about your kind’s ways, customs, and history and how to interact with the world. This is also something you need to learn more on after the Bond Day- if you go- either from me or a Greathorse at court. But, I’ll tell you, with full truth, I’ve yet to meet one with so much power. If you bond with a mage, the two of you will be among the most powerful, if you learn advanced magic skills.”

“Th-thank you,” Redmont stammered, surprised.
“And now, Redmont, do you yourself feel ready?”
“Y-es, I think I am,” Redmont said, trying to sound sure. His heart raced with excitement. Lady Madory smiled.
“Then scribe, add Redmont of Tranview to the list.”
Redmont wanted to jump straight up in the air. Instead, he bowed his head and said gravely, “Thank you, Mistress.”


Camelot, a week later:
Redmont hung close to Calimar. The throngs of people that had come to watch crowded on both sides of the rode to see the Greathorses parade by, looking their best. People were dressed in their finest clothes, the colors dazzlingly bright. The cheering was incredible. The arena was in sight, massive in size to hold jousting tournaments. The stands surrounded it, also filled with people. Lining the rail on three sides were the knights, Heralds, nobles, squires and other apprentices that were hoping for a bond. On the fourth side, the side closest to them, was a large gate, closed until all the horses arrived.

Redmont had been informed that, when the gates opened, he was supposed to just follow his heart and his instincts. Lady Madory, who had helped match Greathorses since she was a girl and had one of her own, said when you saw the right one, you knew. Then, they were supposed to meet their new rider over the rail. Redmont felt the urge to prance, but resisted. He didn’t want to seem too nervous. Calimar was at least acting calm. They arrived at the tournament ring in the middle of the bunch, so they had a few minutes to study the candidates.

Judging by the breeches and simple, long-sleeved shirts of the people to the right, he guessed they were the Heralds. The knights were in the middle, the glitter of chain mail on many of them, tabards on some of them, all with a sword at their hip. Nobles, mostly men and only a few ladies, stood between the two groups, dressed in their colorful silks. Then there was a mass of assorted apprentices to the left.
A loud bell tolled, and the gates swung open.

Redmont was in a maze of confusing emotions. He searched the line of knights, then apprentices, trying to make sense of what he was feeling. Trying to spot a person in the crowd. Nothing. He tried to feel for what had to be right. After several minutes and he knew the rest of the horses had chosen, he felt his heart plummet to his hooves. He glanced back at Lady Madory. Looking over the line again, Redmont shook his head and headed back toward the open gate to stand by Lady Madory, ignoring the gasps and murmurs of the crowd.

“Are you sure?” she whispered sadly. Redmont was afraid to open his mouth. He nodded. She didn’t push him.
“All right,” she replied.

Torr thought his heart would burst. He hadn’t planned on actually looking at the horses, since he was pretty sure none would choose him. But he’d seen this horse come up to the ring; he knew he couldn’t have another. Now the horse trotted defiantly away, toward the line of knights. Then the horse stopped, and Torr’s heart skipped a beat.

The horse was a dun; golden yellow in color with the typical markings of black legs, mane, and tail, black-tipped ears and muzzle, and a wide black dorsal stripe. Very striking in color. What was even more striking about him was his size. Only a few inches taller than average height, he was twice as broad as the average, every inch packed, hard muscle. He had a huge power-house frame, a wide-set base at his monstrous hooves, and his body toned to its peak. It made his height seem to grow. The horse swung abruptly to face him, then trotted right up.

“We must be suited, don’t you think?” the horse said happily. Idly Torr stroked the horse’s neck. Torr gloomily thought to himself of how the wonderful horse standing in front of him would hate him when he discovered the truth. How did he, of all people, get a horse?
“What’s your name?” he asked absent-mindedly

“I’m Calimar.”
“I’m Torr,” the boy responded. He reached up and scratched the horse behind his ear. The Greathorse snorted softly and dropped his head, then brought it up again and nuzzled Torr’s cheek. Torr didn’t care that tears fell freely. He loved this horse, no matter what.


The Greathorses and their new partners met in a large semi-circle afterward. Lady Madory explained that all the horses’ equipment was back at the farm, and the new riders had to travel to the farm first (on foot), then confirm with her their plans for their future. Lady Madory mounted her Greathorse, then took the lead, accompanied by Sir Calvin.

Upon reaching the farm, there was a great confusion while tack was located and everyone checked out with Lady Madory or Sir Calvin.
Torr felt so guilty that he drew Calimar off to the side, out of hearing range of the crowd. “Calimar, I… love you as much as I could love a horse, but you must understand… I… have no desire to be a knight. I’m not even a squire. I‘ve never touched a sword in my life,” Torr told him in a rush, bracing for the worst. He’d decided it was best to get it over with, and do it quickly.

Calimar’s lips turned slightly in a horsy smile. “That’s fine by me,” he paused. “That’s great. I had no idea it would work out so well.” Torr frowned in confusion.
“But, don’t you want to be a great knight’s horse? The horse of a knight of the Round Table?” he asked. Solemnly the huge horse shook his large head, sighing.
“I, only came to the Farm because I was, um, brought here… it was best I train for a charger under the circumstances. I never really had my heart in it though.”

Torr breathed a sigh of relief, too relieved to ponder the horse’s strange reply. Go figure. “So, where do you want to head? We could go back to your place, if there‘s something you need to finish up,” the boy told him. Torr was in no rush to get back to his crabby aunt.

Calimar stiffened. “I… think it would be both of our best interest not to go back there,” he said firmly. Torr didn’t pry. He recognized a closed door when he saw one.
“Then, we might as well head back to my aunt’s. I got to warn you though, she’s something else.”

Hello-
I'll admit, having a horse as a narrator was a pleasant surprise . When you mentioned King Arthur, I immediately thought it would be about knights as main characters, but that's not entirely true, is it?
Now- some things I think you do really well: dialogue and character. You do a wonderful job of conveying both together, creating realistic speech patterns as well as distributing backstory, explanation, etc. through the spoken word. Also, you create a good picture of the characters.
Some points to work on: Your pace is incredibly fast, which is usually a good thing, but I felt a little lost, jumping in without knowing many rules of the world. Then again, I'm told my pace is often too slow, so it might be just me . Your work is grammatically sound; however, I noticed a great deal of passive sentences in there, as well as some adverbs, and a few cliches, like 'fiery red'. When you create a picture of a character or place, you might try to spice it up with more creative descriptions and interesting similes. Just a thought.
Overall: I liked it! Looking forward to seeing more!

Hello, here as requested. You say your piece has been getting little attention; one of the reasons is length. We all vary in our reviewing ability on YWS, but even the best reviewers often skip over a long piece that requires a few minutes' concentration. I know it sucks, but choosing between a short piece and a long one, you'll realise that it's almost always the short one that wins. So, my advice to you is that in future posts, you split your chapters if they're particularly long. You could have posted the prologue separately here, and it would have garnered more reviewers.

Anyway, that's just a tip. Onto the real reviewing. Now, I don't usually do this, but I've decided I'll go through and comment as I read. I suppose it'll help in some sense, because the reader will only read it once initially, and it'll help you see whether the reader is asking the right questions and keeping up with your narrative. And, well, I'm mostly going to nitpick, so it's irrelevent for the most part.

The fiery-red horse snorted.

This isn't too good a hook, mainly because of the use of "fiery-red". It's such a clichéd description. Think of how many times you've heard it... It's the first thing that jumps into your head when you think "red". I'd change this to a specific shade, like mahogany or russet.

At the front of the barn there was a building, colored like the barn, probably for the office and staff.

The repetition of "barn" doesn't sit well here.

she obviously moved about too much to have a floor-length one.

I think this is too big an assumption to make. I would change it somewhat, so that we get the sense that this woman is a tomboy, as such, but without so explicitly stating it. Describe maybe the way the dress is light against her frame, or the way it looks boyish and yet she carries it off.

Redmont warily looked her over as she did him.

Redmont looked her over as warily as she did him. Do you think that reads better?

His coat was a fire red, so bright it almost didn’t seem a possible color for a horse.

Again, the description is a bit overused, and I don't like the rest of this sentence. It's too awkward.

He was a majestic horse, Madory thought,

What? What? You switched the POV a bit abruptly there. I think you should stick with Redmont, since you turn back to him but a few sentences later. Switching POVs like this actually detatches us from your characters rather than bringing us closer to them, and once you get into the Greathorse discussion, we really want to feel Redmont's reaction.

“Shhh!” Madory chided, “It’s the magic that allows you to speak the human language, among other things. That‘s how they come by the name- great horse- slid into one word. Anyway, when one is found, they are sent here, where they can be trained and given a worthy partner.” Redmont pinned his ears and backed a few steps, suddenly his dark eyes filled with fear.

This is a bit of an info-dump. I'd prefer you to switch back to Redmont's POV, and maybe make him react more to the mention of "magic" before. Maybe he doesn't let Madory explain straight away? As yet, the dialogue is very realistic, but it's a bit too quick for my liking. He's just turned up. Would he be told straight away?

I have to say though, I adore the idea.

Actually, he wasn’t looking forward to his journey.

Cut the "actually", because there's no contradiction here. You've just said he's unenthusiastic, so you don't need it. It's like saying, "He seemed unenthusiastic. Actually, he was unenthusiastic." It's redundant.

She could See the future, prophecies, and many a great things.

This doesn't make sense. I'd just change this to "future, past and present", because it's a lot simpler. I've inserted corrections on your sentence above - cutting "prophecies" because you can't "see" them - but I still think you should change it.

making his way for the Royal Greathorse Farm, to register.

Cut the comma here, and "for" should be "to".

Okay, that's the prologue done, I suppose. There wasn't a lot for me to say on that, which is good - your grammar's pretty decent. Just a few points.

POV. Already described, further up, but it's something you need to look at. I think you should stick with Redmont, like I said before, if only to make that switch to Torr at the end worthwhile.

Names. Just because it's fantasy, you don't have to pluck names from thin air. I like Redmont, because that's pretty much "red mount" and so makes some sense. Madory, I could cope with - it sounds almost like it could be a name. Torr, I don't like much. At least get rid of the double "r" where a single one would suffice. Unfortunately, the single one leave it as "Tor", which is a Scandinavian name derived from "Thor". Use a baby name site in future. Fantasy does not allow for just any random jumble of letters to make a name; you should think about something that relates to the story's setting.

Info-dump. The information you provide in this chapter is worked in a little bit too simply for my liking, as I mentioned before. I think you need to work on slipping it in, or at least provoking a reaction from Redmont before you let Madory describe everything so quickly.

Moving on to chapter one, then.

with a slight pressure

"With" should be capitalised. It's the beginning of a new sentence. I'll take it as a typo.

had taught Redmont most of what he now knew about knights faster than Redmont would have thought possible.

Cut the last part, I think, from "faster" onwards, unless you can think of a way of rephrasing it so it doesn't sound like you're describing knights that are faster than Redmont though possible.

—Come on buddy!— Calimar said in Horse, their preferred form of communicating. —You aren’t doing yourself any good out here—

Interesting way of showing Horse being spoken, those dashes, but they seriously mess up your punctuation. I'd just use italics. You don't have to use speech marks, but you should still use commas correctly and so on.

, Herald Gralden (Herald horse instructor), and a few other people Redmont didn’t know.

Do you have to introduce Herald here? Can't you leave it and insert it when/if he speaks? Here, it seems like an afterthought, especially with the brackets. I'd just cut it for now.

Redmont hesitated before replying,

Cut. It's irrelevent, we know he's going to speak, and it should be on the next line anyway.

Then, they were supposed to meet their new rider over the rail.

Who's "they" here? Well, I think it's the Greathorses, but it's still confusing.

Aha, wonderful. I totally didn't expect that with Calimar. Points to you.

It made his height seem to grow.

This is badly worded, but I recall you said almost the same thing about Redmont? Ah, no, that was describing Redmont's head, but it still ended the paragraph then and it gives me a strange feeling of dejá vu. I'd just cut this, but you could reword it.

Upon reaching the farm, there was a great confusion while tack was located and everyone checked out with Lady Madory or Sir Calvin.

That was a little quick. Maybe describe the journey a bit more.

Torr breathed a sigh of relief, too relieved to ponder the horse’s strange reply.

You've repeated "relief" here in the form of "relieved". I'd rewrite this as follows. Torr sighed, too relieved to ponder the horse's strange reply. I'm torn as to whether you should mention the reply being strange, if Torr hasn't noticed it. It's another POV thing. You can either use third person and speak about one character and their emotion, or third person open, where you talk about all the characters. I think you're trying for the former, but slip into the latter. Be careful about that.

“So, where do you want to head? We could go back to your place

"Your place"? That way too modern. The style of speaking is pushing it a bit as it is, but "your place" should be changed. Maybe Torr - the name's still irritating me a bit, but if it's stuck in your head, keep it as it is - can stumble over what to call it: "the den", "the stable"... you know, he might do.

That's about all! Again, few points I could make, and I loved the twist in the middle here. I was going to call you out on predictability until then, but I have to admit I was wrong in that. That's actually a great feeling, to be surprised by someone's writing ability. However, I still have some areas I think you need to focus on.

Dialogue. Like I said, it's leaning into modern times. It's refreshing after so many failed attempts at stilted medieval formality, but you can't go too far overboard. I only spotted it once, but be careful in future.

POV, again, but I won't run through that.

Characterisation. I feel like you skimmed Madory a bit, considering she's one of the first characters we meet. I want more of her in this chapter. If you introduce someone so early, you can't just brush her off.

Something that's niggling me slightly is the name Calimar. Where'd you pull that from? I feel like I've heard it a few times before, but I can't remember where.

Can't think of anything much to say now. This needs a bit of work, as I've said, but I thoroughly enjoyed your ideas and the way it's written. I don't say that lightly, so yeah - well done. Tweak this a bit and I think it could be very good.

- Jet.

Thanks for the help and taking the time to review!

It's Phoenix here to review your piece.


So the main character is a horse, that is good. I don't really think you need the prologue. Prologues are usually used to give information that must be known before the start of the book. Most people hate prologues of modern literature because it serves no purpose.

Redmont warily looked her over as she did him. He was incredibly tall, a good three or four hands over average height, with a long, slightly arced neck and long head, slim but strong long legs. His coat was a fire red, so bright it almost didn’t seem a possible color for a horse. He had three white stockings, on the front legs and the back right, and a curving blaze that made his head seem even longer.

Have him being such a special horse as in a color of red that didn't seem possible lends to becoming a Gary Stu

“I’m not sure. I hope you can,” he murmured quietly in his deep, strong voice. Lady Madory blinked. If she hadn’t been so used to the horsy talk, she never would have been able to understand his deep accent.

You change point of views too much, if you're going for omniscient then that is fine, but even then it should be sectioned off not a back and forth of a the characters perspectives. This can get confusing.

At the cottage deep in the forest, north of Camelot:

I hope if you plan on doing this you do the proper research into the middle ages. Because although this is fantasy you're not completely making up a world, this was a time period with real people, places and events. I suggest mesh the truth with whatever you make up.

“Torr, are you ready?” came the yell from the cottage. Torr shrugged as he pulled his boot on.

Back to that Jetpack commented on how the names were too weird. I suggest you look up some common names during those days.


“

S’pose,” he muttered unenthusiastically.

This may be a character trait, but people didn't talk like this during that time. This todays lazy slang or jargon.

But he was no one to argue with his Aunt Lynn. She had a powerful gift of Sight. She could See future, prophecies, and many a great things. But she tended to confuse it with the present; she was cagey and brittle, and Torr had never been very fond of her. But now? She must have lost it, officially, Torr decided. She was going to make him look like a fool. But what choice did he have? With a sigh, he headed out the door, making his way for the Royal Greathorse Farm, to register.

I would like to have seen his interaction with his aunt instead of you talking about her. Number 1 rule of writing, Show don't tell.

Make your prologue Chapter 1

“Now Redmont,” Sir Calvin started, “I’ve known you for barely half a year, and you’ve made tremendous progress. You meet my standards of basic horsemanship and knight-horsely arts,

I'm sorry but when ever I hear knight-horsely, I laugh (and that's not a good thing) Come up with another name for the horse skills.

Is there anyone who would wish to counteract that?”

I'd use dispute not counteract

Camelot, a week later:

You skip time too much, if you're trying to write a short story this is fine, but for a novel you should fill these spaces with something. For instance what did Redmont do to prepare, what was he thinking, what did his friend thin about it. All things you could have explored before the time skip.

“We must be suited, don’t you think?” the horse said happily. Idly Torr stroked the horse’s neck. Torr gloomily thought to himself of how the wonderful horse standing in front of him would hate him when he discovered the truth. How did he, of all people, get a horse?
“What’s your name?” he asked absent-mindedly

“I’m Calimar.”
“I’m Torr,” the boy responded. He reached up and scratched the horse behind his ear. The Greathorse snorted softly and dropped his head, then brought it up again and nuzzled Torr’s cheek. Torr didn’t care that tears fell freely. He loved this horse, no matter what.

I must say this was a surprise, I expected Torr to be with Red. Surprises like this are good.
.

At first I thought this was too much like Eragon, but you twisted it in a way that I didn't see. The only thing about your twist it kind of makes me not care about Redmount. I think you should add something like a conversation with Lady Madory. She can tell him he can try again or something.

I think Redmount gave into easily when he thought they wanted to tame him. He should have resisted more and seen a example of this partnership from a knight and his horse.
I say this because he seems stubborn and to keep up that image you shouldn't have him swayed so easily.


So a very good start with good description, although you need to show not tell so much.

Hey BnB! Sorry it's taken me so long, but there's been stuff getting in my way. So hi!

I. NITPICKS

At the gates of the Royal Greathorse Farm, early spring:

This might just be me, but I think these would look better bold or italic with a full stop, not a colon.

with a long, slightly arced neck

arched.

His coat was a fire red,

Yes, you've said so.

Okay...

II. SHOW AND TELL

Watch this:

"Mandy stood in the doorway. The light from outside shone out around her. She was quite a small person, and she had waist-length ash-blonde hair. She had a small round face and eyes like a Labrador dog. She cocked her head and smiled."

Now:

"Mandy stood in the doorway, the early morning light framing her small figure. She cocked her head, letting her long ash blonde hair rearrange itself down her back to her waist. She smiled and her Labrador eyes lit up in her small face."

The first is telling. The second is showing. And, even if not in the example because I'm an awful writer, showing is always better. You do a lot of telling in this story, there are quite a few infodumps. Instead of describing Calvin's outfit, show us his boots as he jumps off the horse, his tunic as he smooths it down. It works much better, trust me.

Also, try and use all five senses in your descriptions. Make us believe we're there with your characters...

III. OH, BUT WE'LL MAKE AN EXCEPTION...

This really annoys me. "Well, Redmont, you've only been here six months, but for you, we'll make an exception!" Seriously. This happens way too much in fiction. Why not just let them follow the rules? It's just silly, serving little purpose, to do this. What difference does it make between six months and a year?

On that note, it takes Torr six months to get there? Really?

IV. OVERALL

On one hand, I found this slightly clichéed. Your twist at the end was nice, but it then made me wonder, why bother doing all that Redmont stuff? It seems kind of silly. On the other hand, it was a bit of a drag to read, half because it's a bit too long for one post, and half because of your tendency to infodump.

My advice would be to spend a good while fixing the telling, and drawing us in. This is a beginning, and you should try and make us as interested as possible at this point.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Hello there, Roon here! I think you have a nice beginning, but hopefully you can make it better! I’m going to start by quoting bits that need a change, hope that’s okay!

The fiery-red horse snorted. So this is what they always spoke of. From the top of a hill, he could see the large barn, white with a dark green roof, with a large tournament ring behind it. At the front of the barn there was a building, colored like the barn, probably for the office and staff. Surrounding the buildings were sprawling, green pasture lands. Past the turn-off he had just taken the road forked, towards the cities, but to the south of the farm lay a large evergreen forest.

This all comes too quickly, you just list what's around, you don't really show us anything about the story, there's nothing to hook us in. Description can be added a little later, just worry about hooking the reader first.

He swished his tail nervously. What was he supposed to tell them? What if they turned him away? That was the last thing he needed. With a stubborn stomp of a hoof, he began down the hill. This time, he told himself with determination, he would keep a rein on his temper. No matter how hard he had to work to do it.

This was a little confusing, we have no idea what is about to go on, we need some clue of what this is all about. Also, it's a contradiction from your earlier description of him being firey. You then change it again back to him being that way with "stubborn". Also, if your horse can talk, maybe you should have him say something before you just tell us that, show us these things.

His coat was a fire red, so bright it almost didn’t seem a possible color for a horse.

I don't like this description. It doesn't really feel like it adds anything at the moment. The almost detracts something from the description also. I would say something like this:
His coat was a firey, unnatural red.
It takes less space, so it's sharp and to the point. But this is just my personal opinion.

He had three white stockings, on the front legs and the back right, and a curving blaze that made his head seem even longer.

I don't really know much about horses, so this description didn't really excite me much.

He was a majestic horse, Madory thought, and had the heavyset build and look of determination in his eyes that could make him the ideal knight’s mount, with the right training.

We assume that Madory is the woman who was coming out of the office. But we don't really know anything about her.

he murmured quietly in his deep, strong voice.

Contradiction much?

If she hadn’t been so used to the horsy talk, she never would have been able to understand his deep accent.

Horsey talk? I don't like this, it could be phrased a lot better.

“Now that’s the mystery. They said you could help.”

Give us some idea here to keep us hooked. This is all a little too ambiguous for my liking. Who's they? What's this mystery? How can she help? Also, why is she attending him when she's the Lady?

Lady Madory smiled slightly. “So you’re a Greathorse?” she asked. It sounded like a rhetorical question.

“What’s that?” Redmont asked anyway.

She raised an eyebrow. “A Greathorse is a unique breed that has a type of magic-”

“Magic?!” Redmont gasped, “I… I thought only people did that!”

Really, really, really hated this. You have a great writing style, so slip ups are easily noticed. This is telling not showing, it's so contrived, obviously just there for the reader, it would be best if you found another way of showing this.

“No! I… no owners. No master,” he stuttered, “No more.”

“Easy, big horse. You choose the partner.”

big horse? I like the way you've made him scared to have a master, it's intriguing, we now want to know why he's so afraid.

But he was no one to argue with his Aunt Lynn. She had a powerful gift of Sight. She could See future, prophecies, and many a great things.

The latter sentence is not needed, we infer.

She must have lost it, officially, Torr decided.

The officially bit sounds modern to me, people always say it now, but I don't know whether they said it then too.

He was a hard instructor, but a good one, and had taught Redmont most of what he now knew about knights faster than Redmont would have thought possible.

You said he knew next to nothing about knights etc before he went there, so anything would be an improvement.

“Hello, Redmont of Tranview,” Lady Madory greeted, “How is your day?” Redmont hesitated before replying,

I've never heard anyone ask "how is your day" also, why is a lady doing this work? Doesn't she have servants etc, the same goes for her husband.

Okay, other than that, this is wonderful, a great idea you have. I honestly thought he would be chosen by Redmont, so it's a great twist that you're giving him Calimar. So many questions are running through our minds about all of this, it's wonderful. I think you have to watch out for your use of language though, as it's all spoken as if you were in modern times. Especially towards the end, go back and look through, you'll see what I mean.

Why does Calimar not want to go back to the farm, does he not want to say goodbye to Redmont? Also, why was his heart never in it, when he was told he was one of the most powerful? Why did he let himself be brought there? So many questions...

I'm not too sure about your pacing, it seems to have progressed very quickly, we don't really know anything about your characters as of yet. Also, it was very long, most people would be put off by this.

You have a problem with info-dumping as well. You over-describe things, but the descriptions don't really tell us anything. It's rather cliche at times as well. The firey horse, how many times in fiction have you seen a firey horse? Also, the young boy, how many times have we seen someone who isn't what we'd class as a hero become a hero by a chance meeting with greatness? Also, this all Seeing woman, why was she even included, it wasn't necessary, he could have just been interested. Also, if he knows she sees the future, surely he would know that it was going to happen if she'd gotten it right before? You could just leave her as eccentric. She's also cliche, with the losing touch of the present and all.

You also need to watch out for the outsider who's going to become the best ever cliche. I know that wasn't worded particularly well. But you know what I mean. Why was the exception even made? Why not leave him behind? Go next year.

Your wording when people speak makes me think of present day rather than the times of king Arthur etc. You should try to sort this, as it’s confusing for the reader. Also, why is nobility training horses? This would not have happened. There would have been people employed by them. Also, why would they just be doing this out of the kindness of their hearts? They will charge people, so this fellow of yours Tor, would not even be able to afford to be with Calimar.

I think, if you research the time period and legends a little, you could create a great story. However it doesn’t feel like this will be sustainable at the moment. You repeat yourself a fair bit as well, especially in terms of your descriptions.

We will need some assurance that Redmont will be brought back into this as well. At the moment, I’m also confused about his personality, you give us such different accounts, we’re totally confused.

Apart from that, your writing style is nice, and you seem to have a great vocabulary and your grammar is good. The thing with your writing style is, you need to adapt it for different genres, times etc. you also need to stop with the info-dumps that don’t add to the story.

I think, that you could make this into an excellent piece, and the twist with Calimar was very good. I’m sorry this took so long, I’ve just had a million things to do! Thank you for replying to my WRFF thread, and if you have a problem with anything I’ve said, or a question about it, please don’t let me know. I hope this has been of help to you!

~ Roon

(Note: I forgot to post this when I wrote it, I just saved xD sorry about that)