Prologue to Faery Finishing School

Sorry about the change, I decided to make the Prologue about something in the end of the book/story so here goes nothing.

I stared into Cleopatra's golden eyes.
"What have you done?" I yelled, tears running down my face. She stared at me coldly.
"I have done what has been needed to be done." I shook my head in frustration. How could this be needed to be done? This monstrosity?
"You... I thought you were my friend!" I yelled at her in fury. She laughed humorlessly, gold eyes intense and brimming with hatred, then pushed me into the wall of the dungeon.
"Your friend?" she paused to laugh again. "You thought I was actually your friend?! I mean, I knew I was a good actress but I didn't think I was that good!" I wiped the blood from my mouth and got up to give her a hard punch in the jaw. She growled but I dodged her swipe at me.
"This isn't you, Cleopatra! This is the person that Harry made! I know you are in there somewhere!" For a moment I thought I saw a flicker of my old friend in her eyes, but it quickly disappeared and she swiped at me; I didn't dodge it this time. Blood ran across my cheek where she had scratched me.
"Go ahead. Kill me. Kill your 'best friend in the world'," I cried.

Hiyas, Taytay! Welcome to YWS.

This story has a wonderful idea behind it, something that just catches my attention. However, do have a few nitpicks.

Wow, I thought, this place is humongous!

I know that this humongous is away from the first time you used it, but I find that using such an uncommon word so close together takes away from the flow of the story. This can be fixed easily, however, if you just change one of the words.

She smiled warmly at me as I stared at her wings and marks in awe.

There should be an 'I' before stared. ^-^

Characters: Though I can tell you're probably going to have some lovely characters, we don't really get to know them in this post. Give us more to know about them, a reason why we need to connect.

Description: I can fully picture how Deidrum looks like, but the images of everything else is a bit fuzzy. Show us what the castle looks like, not just tell us that it is humongous. We want to be able see your wonderful story as a movie inside our heads.

Plot: I can't say much on the plot yet, because there didn't seem to be any conflict just yet. However, the concept of a Faery school and "earning wings" just sounds brilliant. I'm sure that it'll work out beautifully.

Overall: I like the idea, but I feel that, as the audience, we need a bit more to go off of. If you just tweek a bit of the story here and there, and give us an image instead of just telling us about something, I'm sure that I won't have any room to complain. Not that I'm complaining. This is a lovely story.

Keep up the good work, Tay, and keep writing. I'll be sure to look out for more of your work in the future.

PM me if you have any questions. ^-^

~Mira

James looked at me with his usual handsome smile and said with a sweeping bow and a very cheesy voice

I would seperate the part that desribes his actions, maybe like this:

"Jaems looked at me with his usual handsom smile and said, with a sweeping bow and a very cheesy voice."

Seperate it, like that? Maybe, or it could just be me...

Thats about it, it sounds really good. PM me whenever you have more up!

Well, as you can tell, I added on to it some more so that it tells you a little more about james, he's a guy, and of course since it's in Aphrodite's point of view, more about her. Deidrum i'm thinking about being kind of mysterious, but helpful and a good mentor for Aphrodite. Of course, the conflict is going to happen, in fact, in the beggining I was thinking about giving it some conflict between her,her father, step mother, and stepsister, when they figure out that she's a faery and that will explain why her boyfriend had to take her instead of a parent. And then, of course, some romance and fight scenes will go on when she actually gets there.
As you might have also noticed, I did tweek it up a bit, and I did put the comma between said and with, (I really don't see how I missed that)

When I make more points I will be making chapter one of it (that's where the parental conflict happens) and hopefully it will be okay too.

Hiya Taytay and welcome to YWS. I don't believe we've met before *shakes hand* I'm Selene and I'll be your reviewer this evening.

I. Nit-Picks

"If the guys look half as hott as her then I don't have a chance keeping you."

Change "hott" to hot.

"Goodbye for now mylady!"

I would change "mylady" to something else, like ma' lady.

II. Originality

This sounds exactly like The House of Night series. Ever heard of it? Aphrodite's a character in it, and the guy aspect of this sounds like it. Also, the headmaster, Deidrum, sounds exactly like Neferet. "Pledgling" sounds awfully similar to "vampyre fledgling." The only variation I saw was that it was about a "Faerie Finishing School" instead of the House of Night "Vampyre Finishing School." This sounds more like a fanfic than an original idea...

Truthfully I didn't like that series. It sounded too much like a typical vampire story, romance and all. The characters were bland, as well, and childish. They're world could've been enhanced to make a more enthralling story so easily, so perhaps you'll do that with this Faerie world? I'd like to see some unique details, like how maybe there are different fairies or the guys are abnormally small. Those are just suggestions.

I want to see your own ideas on this, not just ones from books. Will I be seeing that in up-coming chapters?

III. Overall

I'd really like to see this with your own thought put into it. All writing takes research, so I'd like to see some creativity in this in up-coming chapter. The romance portion of this is lovely, by the way. I enjoyed reading about Aphrodite and James, because they seem like very likable characters. ^^ I'll be looking forward to reviewing more of your work.

Seems rather House of Night with faeries to me...

I read that book about a year ago and you're right, I must have been doing that without even thinking about it. I'm going to change it up though, Like calling the faerie to bes sprites instead. And deidrum won't go all syco vampire/faerie on them. (and she'll just be called the headmaster) No affinaties from a goddess either and stuff. i won't make it all house of night but faeries.

I agree, it does sound like House of Night with faeiries o_o

One tip here, this is a prolouge/preface, no? You give as little detail as possible in one of these, don't give too much away, don't say names. This is very short as well, I'd like to see a longer peice.

There are some grammar/punctuation mistakes throughout this as well, I'd prefer that you locate them, MicrosoftWord is a good helped for this

--
The Gekko

nice. this has a great use of descriptions. i quite liked it and i cant wait to read more

A couple of questions though...

1. This is at the end of the book, right

2. I didn't understand why the Cleopatra chick was trying to kill her friend

that's about it. I'm going to read the next bit right now

Hellooo there! EmmaJane here.

So, I'll start with nit-picks first.

Cleopatra's Golden eyes.

Cleopatra, may I say, is an amazing name. One of my favourites, actually. ^^
Right, I'm not sure why "golden" has a capital "g". Turn it into a lowercase "g".

I yelled at her [s]in[/s] furiously.

Scrap the "in".

...then pushed me into the wall.

What wall? Where'd that come from?
More description needed.

This isn't you Cleopatra!

Comma after "you".

she swiped at me; I didn't dodge it this time

I'm thinking maybe you should turn it into two separate sentences.
...swiped at me. I didn't...
So it's not a looong sentence. Short, sharp, snappy sentences are better for action scenes.

Blood ran across my cheek where she had scratched me.

That much blood from a scratch? Okay, it may be a deep one. If so, say it's deep, 'cause I'm thinking nothing more than a graze or something.

Kill your 'Best friend in the world'

Again, unnecessary capitalisation here. "Best" should be "best".


Description:
Mmm. More needed. This may be a scene later on in your story, but if it's your prologue we don't know anything other than what you've revealed in the actual prologue. I'm not asking for billions of ridiculously long paragraphs, but it'd be nice to know where they are. I mean, the wall comes out of nowhere. o.O Describe the little fight more. Pain (physical). It's lacking. What are they feeling?

Showing and Telling:
You're telling this, rather than showing it.
Telling: He stared at me then laughed.
Showing: He stared at me, golden eyes intense and brimming with open curiosity. Then the serious look melted and he threw back his head with a booming laugh.
Meh, bad example, but you get the idea, right?
Showing is far more valued than telling. It's more descriptive. It's more interesting. It's more imaginative. It's ... just better. ^^

Hook:
Yeah, this is a prologue, so the hook needs to be: "Oh Gawd! I'd die if I didn't find out what happens next, right now!" Sort of stuff.
"I stared into Cleopatra's Golden eyes" doesn't really do it for me. Maybe add something before "golden".
...into Cleopatra's, (intense/cold/unforgiving), golden eyes. Or change the hook. "I knew then she was going to kill me." *shrugs*

Overall:
Interesting. I will be reading more. Dialogue was very good. you get across the MC's anguish quite well. Actually, the dialogue was one of the best parts of this.
For such a short piece, I get a good sense of what's going on. Although, this, as a reader, makes me wary of Cleopatra, so I may be mistrustful of her when you introduce her. And I'll be looking out for anyone called "Harry". :S
Looking forward to reading more.

Hope I helped,

~EmmaJane~

Hey Taytay, thanks again for the review! This is quite short so there won’t be too many nitpicks!

"I have done what has been needed to be done." I shook my head in frustration. How could this be needed to be done? This monstrosity?

Maybe you should have her say the bit about ‘this’ needing to be done. I’m not sure. Also, I don’t know whether monstrosity fits here. Just a thought, I’m weird anyways!

gold eyes intence and

Intense. Although I’m English, so it may be different there.

"Your friend?!"

I don’t think you’re allowed a question mark as well as an exclamation mark… not sure.

She growled at me but I dodged her swipe at me.

At me… at me. You say it like that twice, you could lose one of the ‘at me’s’.

I thought I saw a flicker of emotion in her eyes,

Tell us what emotion it is, it could make all the difference.

Okay, like I said, not much! This is good so far, I will definitely read on. It’s very compelling and interesting. Although, it could be a little longer, it needs more detail. Just a thought. This is a really good idea from what I can see so far. On to the next bit!

~ Roon