The End of Time Chapter Four (Part B)

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I haven't got much to say on this part, actually, except that we get some insight on Cura's character and it's a bit more exciting. Do look at Part A first, though.

Again, I reiterate that if you read this, I'll be happy to return reviews on anything you request.

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“All right,” said Nendo, shrugging his assent. He didn’t understand why Cura seemed so embarrassed; it must be that whatever she was going to show him was something important to her. Nendo wouldn’t understand, since he’d never owned anything until now.
“Follow me,” said Cura, leading Nendo down the stairs. Nendo followed her wordlessly, striding after her down the gray-carpeted hall, occasionally glancing at the reflections in the mirrors. Cura stopped at a door on the far end of the hall, pulled out a key, and unlocked it.
Nendo blinked, surprised—none of the other doors seemed to have locks on them. “Is this your room?”
“Technically,” said Cura, “but I don’t stay here often. Usually I sleep in Lord Darian’s room…”
Sleep? thought Nendo, again thinking about why a nobleman would want a young girl as his personal servant. He felt guilty, though, thinking that way of Cura; she was nice enough, after all. Who cared if she happened to warm her lord’s bed?
He followed her into the room; like the other servants’ quarters, it was small but comfortable, and bore a faint air of disuse. Cura crossed the room quickly and knelt before the bed, tugging out a chest hidden under the bed.
It wasn’t a large chest, and was simply built, made of dark wood. Cura fished in her dress pockets for another key, which she stuck into the chest’s keyhole and turned. Nendo stood beside her, his hands in his pockets again, watching and wondering.
Cura began to lift objects from the chest, settling them with infinite care on the bed. A neatly-folded pale blue dress trimmed with lace, a sewing kit wrapped in ribbon, delicately-embroidered handkerchiefs. It was a marriage chest, Nendo realized, one that contained the objects that made up a young woman’s dowry.
“Is that…?” he said slowly.
“It’s my marriage chest,” said Cura with a nod. “I started keeping it after I came to Lord Darian’s service three years ago. Besides my regular payment, he rewards my service by giving me things for my marriage chest every now and then.”
“Who’re you going to marry?” said Nendo, trying to imagine small, childlike Cura being a wife. The image did not mesh well.
“A servant of Lord Kigo’s...he’s a friend of Lord Darian. Count of Sakir,” explained Cura, gently stroking the fine blue cloth of the dress. “I’ve never met him before, but I’m sure he’ll be a kind man. In three years, when my service bonds end, I’ll be married.”
“Uh-huh.” Nendo nodded, though again he was confused that Cura was sharing such personal information with him. Still, there was such happiness on her face that he didn’t dare ruin the moment by asking her why.
Cura had started packing the objects pack into the chest, settling them next to each other with utmost gentleness. “If it wasn’t for Lord Darian, I wouldn’t even have a dowry,” she said quietly, as she shut the chest and turned the key to lock it. “My parents barely had any money…they had to sell me to Lord Darian just so they could keep their house.”
If Cura felt any bitterness over being sold, she didn’t voice it. She straightened, brushing the front of her dress off. “I’m not going to lie—I was afraid when I first met Lord Darian. I thought he’d be a cruel master, a slave driver…” A laugh and a shake of her head. “But he’s nothing like that. He’s a kind lord. If it wasn’t for him, I’d probably be…I’d probably be on the streets.”
She met Nendo’s eye, her expression serious and meaningful. Something tightened in Nendo’s chest: he knew exactly what she meant.
“Why are you telling me this?” said Nendo, his words quiet.
“I…I don’t know, exactly,” admitted Cura, a pink flush rising in her cheeks again. “Just…just I thought that maybe you’d—you’d begrudge it. Being dragged here…I just—I just wanted to show that it’s not all so bad here, that…that you’ll come to like Lord Darian. I know you will.”
Nendo thought of the youth who’d been rubbing sleep from his eyes while trading vulgar insults with Masudo, who’d dismissed Nendo as one of Masudo’s pranks, who’d then lowered his head to Nendo in a deferent magician’s bow. He thought of Lord Darian, and thought of Cura’s words.
There was no way he could say he liked Lord Darian, but he had to admit there was something to the lord that intrigued him. Something that intrigued him enough to keep him here, in Miria Manor, instead of running off to find Tey again. Although, Nendo thought darkly, he doubted Darian—much less Masudo—would let him escape.
“Maybe. Who knows,” he said to Cura.
“You’ll like him” said Cura, a strange small smile to her face. “Now, come on, Nendo—it’s time for your first real day as a servant to start.”
Nendo tried to share her enthusiasm as he followed her out of the door, but found he didn’t feel anything but apprehension. How would he fare in such sumptuous surroundings? Not just the surroundings, too, but the fellow servants who laughed and called him street boy and insulted their own lord…and such a haughty and arrogant lord, too, who kept company with time mages.
Life at Miria Manor was going to be many things, thought Nendo grimly, but it sure wouldn’t be easy.

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A week later
The burdenbeast ran its long, sticky tongue down Nendo’s neck, causing him to jump and drop the brush he’d been running down the beast’s feathery flank. “Hey, stop that!” he cried, annoyed.
“He likes you,” said Trevas, the old stable hand, patting the burdenbeast on the neck. “Don’cha, buddy? You like Nendo?”
The burdenbeast lowed in response. Nendo sighed and bent down to pick up the brush again, wiping slobber from his shoulder. “Ha ha…but don’t do that without warning, all right?” he said, addressing the burdenbeast sternly.
The burdenbeast fixed warm, doe-like eyes on him and stuck out the tip of its tongue in response. Nendo laughed and patted the burdenbeast’s flank.
“You’ve got a good hand with the beasts,” said Trevas, stepping back as he watched Nendo gently brush the burdenbeast’s silvery feathers. “I could see you as a stable hand, boy.”
“Really?” said Nendo somewhat absently, focusing on straightening a particularly ruffled portion of the beast’s feathers. He had to say he liked the idea, though—already, after his week in Miria Manor, Nendo found himself feeling most at home in the stables. Certainly, more at home than in the kitchens…he grimaced as he beheld the multiple bandages on his fingers from his disastrous effort to slice vegetables.
“You’ll be a fine stable hand, boy,” said Trevas, ruffling the burdenbeast’s feathers. The burdenbeast lowed again, seemingly in delight. Nendo laughed.
He didn’t want to admit it, but he was beginning to adjust to his life in Miria Manor. Sure, the other servants still teased him for being a street boy, and were overly fond of gossip, but they were friendly enough, and eager enough to help, Cura especially. And sure, he almost never saw Lord Darian, who tended to stay within his studies or libraries and other places Nendo wasn’t allowed to visit, but he found his lord’s hands-off approached allowed him greater freedom. Nendo especially enjoyed spending his days in the burdenbeast stalls, tending to the manor’s four beasts under Trevas’ instruction.
Not to mention, he had to admit he liked having a warm bed to sleep in, and three square meals a day. Already, the sharp bones that had stood out in such clarity before were fading; his body was filling out, his features softening. Sometimes, when he caught a glimpse of himself in one of the castle’s many mirrors, he didn’t even recognize the boy staring back.
He was no longer Tey’s Nendo, Nendo of Theratolia, the street boy. He was now Nendo, servant to Lord Darian.
After he was finished with his business in the stables, Nendo bid good day to Trevas, patted the burdenbeasts one last time, and headed out on the walkway to the mansion proper, his hands in his pockets. He found he quite liked sticking his hands in his pockets when he had nothing to do with them—not to mention he’d slipped the piece of wood from the marketplace into one of his pockets. Being able to feel its rough surface, small as it was, reminded him of his life on the streets.
Of Tey…
“Hey! Street boy!” Nendo sighed and turned around; it was the gardener, Stron, waving him over. Already a week and Stron refused to call Nendo anything other than “street boy”.
“Yeah? Anything you need?” said Nendo, approaching Stron, who like always was knelt over a flowerbed, his face smeared with dirt.
“Street boy,” said Stron, pointing towards the imposing white edifice of the manor, “see that row of satud flowers, in the planter beneath the third floor window?”
Nendo looked and saw. Many of the windows of the manor had planters lining their sills, which overflowed with a brilliant array of flowers. The window Stron was indicating was particularly overgrown, and was a floor beneath an ajar window from which high, resounding notes of music were flowing. Darian’s music room, Nendo realized; on their tour Cura had explained it was one of the rooms off-limits to most servants, and was apparently where Darian kept his “harpsichord”, an ancient Coalition instrument.
“It’s pretty high up…” said Nendo.
“What, you afraid of heights, street boy?” said Stron, a challenge in his voice. Nendo shot a sidelong glare at the gardener.
“No,” he said.
“Then get going,” said Stron, tossing Nendo a pair of gardening shears. Nendo caught them easily, with catching skills honed from years of being lobbed stolen food by Tey so he could make a quick getaway. He strode away from the gardener, heading over to the rather rickety-looking ladder leaning against the mansion wall.
Nendo scaled the ladder somewhat nervously, gripping its wooden sides so tightly his knuckles turned white. It didn’t seem very safe, as it swayed beneath him with his every motion and emitted ominous creaking sounds whenever he placed too much pressure on a wrung. He told himself that he could deal with heights, though, and kept his eyes focused on the overgrown planter instead of on the ground beneath.
Once he reached the planter, Nendo balanced on the ladder, gripping the edge of the planter tightly with one hand and holding the shears with the other. The clusters of red and yellow flowers were barely visible beneath dense tangles of spicy-smelling green leaves; Nendo clipped at the leaves, letting them fall like green rain from the planter to the distant ground. The ladder felt dangerously wobbly: Nendo hoped no sudden breezes started, for fear that the ladder would fall over completely.
It wasn’t so bad, though; he was falling into the rhythm of the work, of decisively clipping each bundle of long green leaves so that they tumbled out of the planter and revealed the brilliant flowers. The spicy leaves smelled nice, though they did make him feel rather lightheaded. He could almost—almost—forget that he was three stories above ground; the ladder wasn’t as unstable as Nendo thought, and held his weight nicely.
He shifted to prune more leaves to the right—but as he moved the ladder lurched from beneath him. Nendo felt one moment of astonishing weightlessness, before his stomach plummeted and he was falling backwards, with the ladder, his hands helplessly scrabbling at the air, releasing the shears and sending them tumbling to the ground below—
And him too. Nendo was falling, with nothing between him and the ground but the air whistling past his ears. He tried to shout but no sound escaped his throat. In a vague, dream-like way, he was aware of the continuing music, and the ladder slamming against the brick walkway with a resounding crash and splintering wood; and in an even vaguer way he realized that the same would happen to him. He’d fall, and break his every bone, and then…
No.
A ferocious defiance flared through his every vein. No, he wasn’t going to die, not here, not now. Not after only a week of living here, not for such a stupid reason—Nendo hadn’t imagined dying often, but he’d always thought he would go out in a slightly more dramatic manner than falling to his death while pruning flowers. He wasn’t going to die.
Not before he found Tey again.
The defiance turned into confidence, electrifying his insides—and then he knew what to do. He reached a hand out, in front of him, and gathering the energy, the confidence, the electricity, blazing within him, called forth a burst of blue fire to surround him in a protective circle.
The circle wasn’t enough, though, thought Nendo not with logic but something deeper inside him, burning bright as a flame. He began drawing more lines with rapid swings of his arm, the tips of his fingers burning as blue fire burst from them to form sturdy straight lines that would surround him like a cage and protect him from the shattering impact against the walkway.
Nendo was aware of the wind whistling in his ears, surprisingly loud now that the harpsichord music had ceased. But the wind was slowing, and his body was slowing too, no longer falling, instead coming to a gentle rest in the center of a circle of blue fire that didn’t burn him, but caressed him, warm as a mother’s arms. He lay in the circle for a moment, floating only inches above the walkway, whole and unruffled, breathing hard.
The weariness that always came after performing magic rushed through his veins, displacing the exhilarating blue fire. He suddenly just wanted to sink somewhere soft, close his heavy eyelids, fold his stinging fingers across his chest, and let sleep carry him away…he should start by releasing the shield still cushioning him; he didn’t need that anymore…
But before Nendo could dispel the magic the fourth-floor window flew open with a clatter, and Lord Darian leaned out of the window, staring white-faced and wide-eyed at the boy lying in the magic circle below. The lord’s pale throat convulsed, and he seemed to be struggling for words.
Nendo stared back at Lord Darian, dimly registering his surprise, but of course he’d be surprised—Nendo doubted Darian had ever seen a former street boy perform magic before. I didn’t mean to do it, a part of Nendo sleepily thought. It just came out. I didn’t want to die.
At length, Darian found his voice. His words sharp and clipped, he said with the force of an order: “Get cleaned up, have Cura check on your injuries…then come to my magic room. Cura will tell you where it is. Immediately.”
He then slammed the window shut. Nendo was left lying on the red brick of the walkway, the magic shield having dissipated, his heart thumping violently.

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I'm wondering how dramatic the revelation of Nendo's magic skills is, given how strongly I'd hinted at it previously. Should it come more out of the left field or should it not be such a huge surprise?

I feel the story finally starts to get a little more interesting with the next chapter. We get more insight into Lord Darian's character, and we also return to Tey in Presulis. All in all, this chapter isn't spectacular; it was written more because it was necessary than because it contains anything exciting. Something that I had to get out of the way, so to speak, before the interesting events could begin. Hence why it probably falls flat compared to the previous chapters.

Any and all critiques (the more nitpicky the better) I appreciate.
Ah, it is an empty movement. That is an empty movement. It is.




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Hi there! Here I am at last. XD

I know what you mean about chapters that are just kind of there because they have to be there, but I don’t think this one suffers for it. ^_^ There’s a really good article here somewhere on YWS about the simple fact that sometimes “boring is good”; i.e., if there aren’t some moments of peace, the action-y scenes get dull and the dramatic revelations aren’t dramatic. So I think chapters like this are sometimes necessary.

Besides, it was good for giving more character development to Cura and especially Nendo—little things like his likes and dislikes make him more relatable as a character.

The bit at the end kind of lost me a little bit…. I honestly couldn’t figure out from the description whether or not Nendo already knew he could use magic. If he already knew, I think it works fine, but if he doesn’t know, there should probably be a little more freaking out, rather than just “Oh, well, I didn’t mean to do that…”

A week later


This seems a little out of place, since it hasn’t been used in the story before. I think, since it’s a small interval of time, you can just slip it somewhere into the beginning of this section, and it’ll be a little less jarring.

Other than that, just a few typos:

but he found his lord’s hands-off approached allowed him greater freedom.

Oops. “Approach” rather than “approached”

as it swayed beneath him with his every motion and emitted ominous creaking sounds whenever he placed too much pressure on a wrung.

I think “rung” is the word here, “wrung” is the past tense of “wring”

Well, that’s that then. ^_^ I’m starting to get really in to this story, I hope to read the next part soon! XD
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

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This part has been waiting for reviews the longest, so I am here to deliver (and bump yet another part.)

And since you liked my clinical review so much...

“All right,” said Nendo, shrugging his assent.


I'm going to skip over the fact that "assent" is almost too fancy a word in prose and ask why you put it there in the first place. "All right" seems to say he's fine with going to see whatever Cura wants to show him (more like "if you insist" or something), shrugging seems to say he doesn't care/is bored about it, but "assent" seems to say he's agreeing with her. It just feels like that word doesn't fit with the "I-don't-care-ness" of the line.

He didn’t understand why Cura seemed so embarrassed; it must be that whatever she was going to show him was something important to her. Nendo wouldn’t understand, since he’d never owned anything until now.


The order of things here feels a bit odd. I think it's the repetition of "understand" but I'm not sure. What's mostly bugging me is how long the reason why Nendo wouldn't understand is withheld from us. Two lines doesn't seem like a lot, but when it's a key character trait and is colouring his perceptions of what Cura is feeling, then we should know it as soon as possible. Once I read this paragraph again knowing what Nendo feels, the lines before it made more sense.

striding after her down the gray-carpeted hall,


This is the third time you've mentioned he's following her. It's really not needed (considering I found the second one slightly repetitive)

Nendo blinked, surprised—none of the other doors seemed to have locks on them.


And I saw no mention of locks on this door either. It made this line rather jarring.

He felt guilty, though, thinking that way of Cura; she was nice enough, after all. Who cared if she happened to warm her lord’s bed?


Back to the benchmark thing again. Nendo is talking like he's known Cura for awhile.

In general though the emotions here feel off. Mostly the "who cared" bit. I don't think I'd really ever feel apathy about somebody I knew to be in that roll. Feeling it and showing it are two different things though.

Cura crossed the room quickly and knelt before the bed, tugging out a chest hidden under the bed.


"Bed" is repetitive here.

It wasn’t a large chest, and was simply built, made of dark wood.


I don't know why there is an "and" in here. I think this would be much smoother to read as a list, so delete "and was"

“Is that…?” he said slowly.
“It’s my marriage chest,” said Cura with a nod.


You've just said it was a marriage chest in the paragraph before this.

The image did not mesh well.


I liked this line. It gives such a funny/cute mental image that I just love.

In three years, when my service bonds end, I’ll be married.”


This makes me wonder how old Cura is. At first, I thought she was twelve. Now, that could make sense in the world's context, but you haven't given us a context for us to be able to figure out how old she is. The only reason I can put any sort of age to Cura at the moment is because I know a fair bit about when girls were married at this stage in society.

It also raises a puzzle of how such a young girl can be a personal servant. They're usually the ones who've been working with the lord for a long time, right?

though again he was confused that Cura was sharing such personal information with him.


I'm wondering exactly the same thing. By doing it this way, forcing a close relationship onto characters, I have a funny feeling that this is going to be plot related.

she didn’t voice it. She straightened,


This seems like an "instead of" moment. What I mean is, instead of voicing her opinions she straitened.

What I'm really protesting to is how repetitive "she" feels here. You have two complete sentences starting with "she" right next to each other.

I thought he’d be a cruel master, a slave driver…” A laugh and a shake of her head.


The "a" here feels really weird. It's like you're saying she let out a laugh and shook her head, but you're missing the "she let out."

There is also that this sentence is in present tense.

Something tightened in Nendo’s chest: he knew exactly what she meant.


~ So this explains things just a bit. Cura sees herself in Nendo so she's showing him the chest to drive it home to him that Darian isn't so bad a lord. However, in later lines you ruin this set-up by having her admit that she doesn't know why she's showing him this.

~ You pretty much tell us here that Nendo was once from a family and that he was most likely sold, or he escaped. Why I say this is because he doesn't know his own past, before he was on the streets, yet he knows what Cura means when she talks about being abandoned on the streets.

“Why are you telling me this?” said Nendo,


Earlier, when she was putting away her dowry, Nendo said he didn't want to ask her because of the joy on her face. Asking her after thinking that doesn't add up.

“I…I don’t know, exactly,” admitted Cura, a pink flush rising in her cheeks again.


I don't remember a first time, so this "again" feels weird.

Something that intrigued him enough to keep him here, in Miria Manor, instead of running off to find Tey again.


I'm not all that fond of "some feeling" used in fiction. It looks way too much like a deux ex machina to just have some situation happen. It also seems like the character is underdeveloped, since they can't put a concrete reason to this "feeling" they have.

Your use of "again" here doesn't seem to have merit. Since I never saw him try to run away before.

“Maybe. Who knows,” he said to Cura.


~ With the long description between what Cura had said and Nendo's response, I've forgotten what exactly they were talking about.

~ Since there is nobody else in the room, "to Cura" is redundant.

“Now, come on, Nendo—it’s time for your first real day as a servant to start.”


I thought this was at the end of the day he'd been brought to the manor, and Nendo was getting this tour at the end of the day.

I would make that clearer from the onset.

but the fellow servants who laughed and called him street boy and insulted their own lord


It took me a minute to remember that the servants had called him "Street boy" before. It made me think that Nendo had been at the palace awhile. (It is, however, clever foreshadowing to one of the servants calling him that non-stop)

Life at Miria Manor was going to be many things, thought Nendo grimly, but it sure wouldn’t be easy.


I'd like this line a lot better without the "thought Nendo grimly." It makes me want the line to be in present tense, but then it wouldn't work with the prose. We have the tone that Nendo would be thinking this in, the third-person is rather close so the prose and his thoughts intermingle, and the line would just be a lot more potent without the tag.

The burdenbeast ran its long, sticky tongue down Nendo’s neck, causing him to jump and drop the brush he’d been running down the beast’s feathery flank.


This is one really long sentence. It makes it hard to grasp what's going on, since we have to keep track of different actions happening in sequence. Some of the sentence is moving forward (causing him) but some of it is more of a flash-back (he'd been running), It makes things rather hard to keep track of.

The burdenbeast lowed in response.


Do you mean "bellowed"? That makes more sense.

Nendo sighed and bent down to pick up the brush again,


And once more, you have used "again" with no repeating action.

“Ha ha…but don’t do that without warning, all right?”


Personal preference, but I don't like seeing laughter in dialogue.

“Really?” said Nendo somewhat absently,


The question mark here, for some reason, makes me think his tone is more eager. Probably because you've set up that he has a knack with these creatures, and he seems to enjoy them a lot. I think you should delete the question mark so that the dialogue "sounds" better, but keep the explanation after it so we know he's somewhat eager.

The burdenbeast lowed again, seemingly in delight.


Same note about "bellowed" here.

but they were friendly enough, and eager enough to help, Cura especially.


"Enough" is repetitive here.

And sure, he almost never saw Lord Darian, who tended to stay within his studies or libraries and other places Nendo wasn’t allowed to visit, but he found his lord’s hands-off approached allowed him greater freedom.


~ "Sure" feels repetitive because the last sentence started with it.

~ This sentence feels really broken up by different types of commas (Intro, interrupter, and a comma "but" which acts like a period). It makes the information slightly hard to understand because of that.

tending to the manor’s four beasts under Trevas’ instruction.


After the comment about the manor not being in that much use, I'm wondering why they need so many burdenbeasts.

Not to mention, he had to admit he liked having a warm bed to sleep in,


All of these items getting added on like this (Sure, and sure, not to mention, ect) are getting slightly grating. I keep wanting to know if there's anything else that's floating around in his head about what he likes.

Which brings me to the issue of adjustment time and what he had to deal with before. I ranted about this on part A, so I'll spare you.

he didn’t even recognize the boy staring back.


Nendo doesn't really have enough of a baseline about what he looked like to be able to recognize his old self.

He was no longer Tey’s Nendo, Nendo of Theratolia, the street boy.


~ "Tey's Nendo" fits in one sense but doesn't in another. It fits because of how possessive Tey was, but it doesn't fit for that very reason. "Tey's Nendo" implies, to me, that Tey was the dominant member of the friendship while it was clearly the opposite.

~ Just as a scrolled down I saw the dialogue where Nendo is called "Street Boy." Not sure how much I like the contradiction here. On one side it's a good way characterize him, on the other it's a contradiction that's never really explained and therefore weak.

He found he quite liked sticking his hands in his pockets when he had nothing to do with them—not to mention he’d slipped the piece of wood from the marketplace into one of his pockets.


"His pockets" is repetitive here.

“Hey! Street boy!” Nendo sighed and turned around


Although Nendo is called by a nickname here, I'd like the dialogue to be on its own so it's completely clear that it's not Nendo speaking.

said Nendo, approaching Stron, who like always was knelt over a flowerbed, his face smeared with dirt.


This sentence is really broken up by commas. They create some very unnatural pauses in the dialogue. I would delete the first and third commas.

“Street boy,” said Stron, pointing towards the imposing white edifice of the manor, “see that row of satud flowers, in the planter beneath the third floor window?”


Not sure about this dialogue, considering Stron just called Nendo "Street Boy" in the last line of dialogue. I understand that Stron doesn't think Nendo is all that smart so constantly addressing him is necessary, but at the same time the repetition is slightly grating.

“What, you afraid of heights, street boy?”


I'm not sure why I didn't catch this before, but if "street boy" is Nendo's nickname it becomes a proper noun. Both "street" and "boy" should be capitalized.

Nendo caught them easily, with catching skills honed from years of being lobbed stolen food by Tey


"Catch" as a verb is repetitive here. Because you've mentioned the verb recently, "catching" isn't needed.

Nendo balanced on the ladder, gripping the edge of the planter tightly with one hand and holding the shears with the other.


You don't mention the size of sheers here, and that's the only way this is possible. My first vision was two-handed sheers, which makes this image not really fit.

and the ladder slamming against the brick walkway with a resounding crash and splintering wood


I'm not exactly sure how accurate this is. All objects fall at the same rate, no matter how much they weigh. Should Nendo and the ladder have begun falling at the same time, which they should be, then it's rather unlikely he'd be able to hear it fall. I might be wrong since ladders have less wind resistance then humans, but him being able to hear the ladder fall much before his own body would hit the ground seems very strange to me.

instead coming to a gentle rest in the center of a circle of blue fire that didn’t burn him, but caressed him, warm as a mother’s arms.


I love the image here, but "that" in this sentence breaks up the flow. I'd put a comma in front of it so it didn't seem to blend in so much.

The weariness that always came after performing magic rushed through his veins,


"Always"? Well, I do suppose you're hinting at his past, and since at first I thought you were talking about some general knowledge, you can keep it.

But before Nendo could dispel the magic the fourth-floor window flew open with a clatter


I thought it was the second-floor window that was ajar.

his heart thumping violently.


I suppose this comes from the magic, but sleep usually makes one's heart beat slow down.

I'm wondering how dramatic the revelation of Nendo's magic skills is, given how strongly I'd hinted at it previously. Should it come more out of the left field or should it not be such a huge surprise?


I really like the way magic was introduced here. It felt sudden yet gentle at the same time. Yes, you'd hinted at it, but the actual magic wasn't hinted at. I did like the way the resolve turned into him finding his magic again.

*

"Again": That word really bugs me in this chapter. It makes actions look like they've been done before when they haven't and can really mess up any sort of flow because the reader finds themselves wondering if they missed anything because you've implied that the action has happened before when it hasn't.

Characters: I liked Nendo's character a bit more, other than the handful of lapses I noticed in his character and thought-patterns. Mostly he seems unrealistic at the beginning, at how accepting he is of Cura. And just the whole way he seemed happy with how he was living didn't sit well with me. With such a change in his life, I'd expect him to be more regretful in his overall tone. As in, he didn't want to be there, he doesn't want to make the most of it, and yet he still finds himself liking it. His whole turn around to what he likes is so sudden I'm having a hard time believing it.

Description: I found a lot of your sentences really long here. It made some of the detail harder to spot, because it's buried in a really long sentence. And your commas. A lot of commas. Here is an article about them.

As for the descriptions on their own, I very much enjoyed the way the magic was described. The slow unfolding really mirrored how Nendo thought, and I found the scene moved at a nice pace. The only thing I didn't like was how slowly he seemed to fall; it made things look like Wile E. Coyote's slow falls.

Overall: I could pick up on the mechanicalness of this chapter. Mostly what bugged me was the repetitive feel and the rather accepting tone of Nendo's character. I greatly enjoyed the magic, it was my favourite bit, and some of the stuff about Nendo trying to work in the kitchens.

PM me with questions/comments.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.



we are all mariah carey
— Kay (NovemberCrow)