Kingdom of Gold {chapter 2}

7 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4362
Reviews 263
Chapter 2:

An arrow sliced through the air like a knife and hit its mark with full impact, a tiny red dot.
Ellyon pulled two more arrows out of the quiver slung behind her back and positioned their heads above and below the fist holding the bow. In one fluid motion, she rose and drew the bow. Just as she relaxed her three fingers on the string, the arrows released, simultaneously hitting two different archery targets, just centimeters away from their original intention.
“Your speed and distance is excellent,” Alekah crossed over a pile of hay and into the archery range; a wide, open clearing in hidden by the trees with a wide assortment of targets spread on the far end of it. “But your mark needs some work.”
Ellyon drew another arrow aimed a target on one of the trees, “Then show me how it’s done, master. You are the first archer in your instruction.” She released the arrow and it flew several inches above the target. “Females aren’t allowed to learn archery,” she clenched her bow, and glared at her miss. “No, we are of no use when it comes to fighting and war and battle. We are too weak, too frail to withstand the fine point of an arrow or the sharp edge of a sword, so instead we are bounded to trivial things like flower-arranging and jewelry-making; cooking and cleaning the grime of the city; and learning to heal the wounds and restore the energy of those who look down on us.”
Alekah frowned at the thought of it. He shared the same pain as Ellyon. He never believed in violence, but more in peace. He’d always dreamt of becoming a master of healing, a priest with remedial powers that could ease the pain of good people and of those he truly cared for. But as a born as male, and even more, as the grandson of one of the council members, he was forced the learn the ways of battle.
“Don’t act like your troubles are free of me also, Ellyon,” he removed an arrow from his own quiver and aimed at the missed target. “You are also in the position I desire,” the arrow darted through the air and pierced a bullseye. “The renowned priest Lady Illora is your healing teacher, and masters like Illora only teach students of their choice.”
“I may be her only student of choice, but would you really choose to be the crossbreed freak isolated from the others and looked down upon because her dead parents are thought of as fools?” Ellyon held her chest, trying to ease her spiritual injury. Though made many years ago, the wound still felt fresh.
Alekah adjusted one of his leather bracers before handing an arrow to Ellyon, “Would you prefer to be the pacifist who is too cowardly to tell his rigorous parents that he would rather become a priest than a war-hero?”
Ellyon drew the arrow.
“Your stance is off and you’re not drawing correctly. Your body should be perpendicular to your target and the shooting line and,” Alekah gently lifted Ellyon’s elbow higher, “Your inner elbow must be parallel to the ground. There, much better. Now draw your string to the corner of your mouth, aim, and release.”
The arrow sliced through the one previously mounted on the target. Ellyon’s anger melted off of her face. She threw her fists in the air and cheered.
“Score!” she turned and beamed up at her friend.
Alekah nodded in approval. “Now about the first order advancement this evening.”
“Wonderful,” Ellyon popped a piece of sweet-bread into her mouth and chewed.
“As promised, I laid out all our options.” He removed a scroll of parchment from his satchel and laid it on the blanket of brown leaves that covered the clearing.
The two of them exchanged thoughts before finally agreeing upon an idea.
“So that’s what we’re doing? That is our plan?” Ellyon tapped her finger on the parchment.
“Yes and…”
The vibration of a horn filled the forest like a crashing wave, echoing on the uneven surfaces of the mountain.
Alekah leapt onto his feet. “Someone‘s in the city.”
------------

“He is just a traveler, yes?” Ellyon trailed behind Alekah as he sprinted around the edifice that encircled Noramound’s main gathering. “The salesman Bran, is it not? I heard him the second his wagon set foot in our valley. He is of no harm?”
Alekah crossed the bridge to the east division, the manufacturing and agricultural branch of Noramound. “Bran is of no harm, but he has company I am uncertain of.”
Dozens of Elven shops were set up in the east division’s plaza, their rainbow assortment of tents and flags fluttering with the breeze. A crowd of elves scattered throughout the plaza, visiting the shop that best met their needs. Only one shop came without proper shelter.
“Bran!” Ellyon shouted to the lone salesman making shop out of a decrepit old wagon. Both she and Alekah hurried to him, shoving their way through the wall of people staring at his wagon in bewilderment.
Bran hopped out of his wagon, greeting the two with an ear-to-ear smile from under his graying beard. Although his peach-colored face was wrinkled like a prune and the top of his head was nearly bare, he had a youthful aura that emitted from him.
“Hello, children. Good morning to you.” Bran waved back to them, folding down the ends of his cotton sleeves as he did so.
“Still have that same old, ramshackle wagon, I see,” Alekah glared at cart in disapproval, “That flimsy wagon bed cannot carry the burden of whatever you toss in it, the bows are soon to snap, and your wheels seem like they have been used for centuries,” Ellyon gave one of the wheels a light kick, “Are you sure you wouldn’t like a new one? They aren’t of much difficulty to build.”
Bran slapped his knee and threw his head back in laughter. “You children are quite the witty ones, aren’t you? Everyone knows that a wagon built of the finest luxuries are the ones that get taken over by the rogues. It’s best to keep the luxuries hidden from view than in plain site.”
“I guess.” Alekah folded his arms and leaned against one of the stone walls.
“So that means you have something for us, yes?” Ellyon held her hands behind her back, a wry smile growing on her face.
Bran cracked up again, his shaggy old beard quaking along with him. “Your guess is correct, young lady. I do have some treasures that may be to your liking,” he climbed into the back of his wagon, gesturing for Alekah and Ellyon to approach him, “First pretty thing I’ve got here are these moon drop earrings made entirely of moonstone and silver.” He dropped the earrings into Ellyon’s hands.
“They’re beautiful,” Ellyon rubbed a finger on one of the glowing stones, “But what do they do?”
“They increase your stamina and boost the accuracy of your shots,” Bran pulled something else from his pocket and placed them in Alekah’s palm, “And these are holy cross earrings. They are made of gemstones found near a sacred lake. They allow one to concentrate even when chaos surrounds them.”
“Amazing,” Ellyon nudged Alekah , “These are what you need to become the priest you’ve always dreamt of.”
Alekah stared at the earrings in his hands, unable to find the words to express his gratitude.
“Well don’t get all worked up over these little things, there are more.” Bran turned around and started digging through sacks and pouches of items that overflowed in his cart.
“More?” Alekah and Ellyon asked in unison.
“Of course! You don’t think I’d come back after six months and only sell you two some earrings, do you?”
They shook their heads.
A few minutes later, Bran threw two rucksacks over his shoulders, a blue one and a green one, and handed them to his loyal customers. “You’ve got your antidotes, power elixirs, health potions, and such; your magic powders and teleporting scrolls; and then you have yourselves,” he reached into his breast pocket and pulled folded piece of parchment that was slightly burnt at the edges, “a map of the entire Khyranian realm.”
Alekah accepted the map with thanks written across his face. “Bran, you cannot even fathom my gratitude, our gratitude.”
Bran waved a single hand in the air to silence him. “ No need to thank me. However if you did have something that could protect my wagon against fickle weather, then…”
Ellyon searched around the crowd to make sure no one was watching. “Say no more. I packed it ahead of time,” she slipped an olive-green pouch in Bran’s soot-covered hand, “Lady Illora taught me how to make this a few weeks ago after I tidied her dwelling. Make sure to sprinkle some on your cover and chant nos tempestate conservate before your next trip. The effects last around a fortnight depending on how serious the weather is.”
“I give you many thanks,” Bran shifted his eyes, “But you best be on your way now. I have some other business to attend to.”
------------------
“Alekah, what is bothering you?” Ellyon wrinkled her nose as she stared at her friend with suspicion, “You seem to be…elsewhere.”
Alekah continued to concentrate on something invisible to Ellyon, but he took the time to reply. “Remember the company I spoke of earlier? They are in the north division and having discussion with the elders.”
“I thought you weren’t one to pry, Alekah?” Ellyon asked as she poked around another store’s inventory table. She juggled three jars of strawberry jam between her hands before tossing them all into her wicker basket, “And besides, travelers come to visit the elders all the time. They ask for remedies, healing, wisdom, guidance.”
“Yes, but these visitors aren’t asking for any of those things,” Alekah closed his eyes and let his mind wander to the north division. He could see a vivid image of the doors to the city hall, even the fine details of the silver tree carved into the door, but he couldn’t see anything beyond the entrance. “They’ve put a spell on the doors. I need to get closer to find a way in.”
Ellyon threw an assortment of herbs and fruit into the basket before turning to Alekah. “I’d go with you, but Lady Illora summoned me this afternoon before order advancement,” she glanced down at her basket overflowing with groceries, “And she asked that I purchase some ingredients for her. If I’ve already left Lady Illora’s dwelling, you will be able to find me at the library.”
Alekah nodded, still trying to muster enough of his strength to find a way into the private council meeting.
Last edited by Angels-Symphony on Wed Jul 29, 2009 8:29 pm, edited 6 times in total.
You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself into one.

The writer, when he is also an artist, is someone who admits what others don't dare reveal.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 53415
Reviews 1125
Shina! Guess who?!

I. NITPICKS

Why does he always worry for me? He knows I can take care of myself. She thought and continued skipping across the stones.


Thought follows the same rules as dialogue, that should be: myself, she thought...

He believes in keeping the peace, she heaved herself onto the boulder.


That said, that should be peace. She heaved herself... unconnected, see?

In fact, I am sole reason Noramound is…


the sole reason, perhaps?

Still racing forward, Ellyon clenched her fists, “Why I oughta…”


That should be a full stop after fists.

“Eat my dust,” Alekah leapt over a stone bench and took a quick left.


And again, a full stop after dust.

Naramound’s buildings like wallflowers, their movement governed by the sun. All of the structures in the kingdom were made of marble, stone, or alabaster and were ornamented with pearl tiling, crystal features, and other mineral decorations.


This is telling a bit, maybe rephrase?

Marble statues sparsed the city engraved in walls,


sparsed? I'm not sure if I like it as a word choice, but if you want to use it, I'd definitely add "throughout" after...

Okay...

II. DIALOGUE

It's funny, it's almost as if you're over-applying the rules!

If there is a piece of speech and an unrelated action, ie:

"I know." He took out his knife.

Then they are two separate sentences, however:

"I know," he said and took out his knife.

is a speech tag. You see?

III. OVERALL

I just looked and I saw that this is actually Part Two, I thought it was Part One... To be honest Shina, I'm not just being nice, I did like this. Your opening is particularly strong, and I think the quality did begin to go down the closer to the end you got. Just be careful of the showing and the telling, and it'll be really good though!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stel x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4362
Reviews 263
Thanks for the review Stella ^^
You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself into one.

The writer, when he is also an artist, is someone who admits what others don't dare reveal.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 28467
Reviews 675
Hey Shina, back for the second half of your torture session. Again, so sorry it took me as long as it did. ^^
Stella did the massive nitpicking but I did find four.

Thick green foliage rapped around Naramound’s buildings like wallflowers…


‘wrapped’ sounds a bit better. Actually, it sounds the same but…well...whatever.

Going around the fountain would waste(I would insert ‘too’ in here possibly.)[b] much time, so I’ll just cut through and avoid the-


Dozens of waterwheels splash[b]ed and clicked as the river guided it.


When you ditched the ‘ed’ at the end of those two words, you changed the tense of the sentence.

I suppose if we enter at as one, neither of us will have to spend the night with the dead kings, so…”


Huh?

Setting
You know what you’re trying to show us, that is obvious, but you put too much focus on the little stuff. Unless a particular statue has an important meaning, or a certain plant will be mentioned again, then it doesn’t need to have a lot of drawn out detail. Keeping it simple is good. It lets the readers imagination take over.

Rushing
Something about the ending feels rather rushed. The race is paced out well but after Lord Selnac, things, especially the action, really feel rushed in my opinion.

Dialogue
What Stella said about dialogue is right. You followed the rules too well. Merging sentences and ideas isn’t bad. But it’s about balance and moderation.

I owe you bunches of cookies for as long as this took me. Thin mints perhaps? I stole the recipe from a girl scout. ^^

~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4449
Reviews 82
wow this is really good. other than some minor errors like spelling and grammar you did really well or that's what i think. my fave part was when the elven lord showed up. he seems to me to be the kind of King that is very wise, kind, gentle, caring, and understanding. He seemed very understanding of the kids and the way you describe him in this with all the light he reminds me of Jesus in a way. but his personality reminds me of Aragorn from Lord of the Rings.
my advice to you is this: enjoy what you write because if you write something and absaloutly hate it then how can you expect your readers to enjoy it?
keep writing!
Celticmusicgirl
"No life is forever. We found and fought here. We loved and died here... The crops whither and the bones of hunger walk the sunken roads... The land has failed us... In dance and song we gift and mourn our children. They carry us over the ocean in dance and song.
-American Wake by Riverdance




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2973
Reviews 102
Hey Shina,
Your story was awesome... I loved the characters and your style of writing, thanks for suggesting I read it! Writing Fantasy Fiction is my favorite thing to do, second off is reading it. You created a wonderful world where your character's could truly be themselves and show the reader your imagination. Thanks for taking the time to look over my own attempts at writing. I'll be sure to keep reading your story, it's great.
~Dakota

P.S. I'll be posting a longer review later on your other chapters once I get a minute to breath *life=crazy*
What is important is to know fear and yet take a step forward.
Rosette Christopher

Looking for peeps to review my novel:)

novel.php?id=1142




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4362
Reviews 263
Updated ;) Cleaning out my folders and I decided to update xD
You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself into one.

The writer, when he is also an artist, is someone who admits what others don't dare reveal.



Sometimes my life just sounds like surrealistic fiction being sold on clearance at the book store.
— J. G. Hammersmith