Kingdom of Gold {chapter 1}

xD Back from the bottom of the pile. I"m cleaning out my folders and files on my computer and I want backups. So, back from the bottom, an update


Preface:

She stood above all else and stared down at her world.
The vast Nora Valley, covered in a thick blanket of emerald, and its cobalt-blue river that once imprisoned Ellyon with its size and authority, now seemed nothing more than the size of her palm. Even more surprising, the great Noramound Kingdom that rested on the face of the blue looked diminutive in comparison.
Ellyon removed one of her fingerless gloves and placed her hand beneath the city as if to cradle it.
“You’re mine now, Noramound,” she murmured under her breath. “You cannot stop me any longer. You cannot keep me from my true calling.”
Ellyon reached into her side pocket and transferred some silver powder into her fist.
“Great spirits of the earth, of sky, of water, and of light, free me from my prison.” She placed her lips in her fist and blew with all her might. The powder flew into the air and caught with the racing winds. Ellyon gazed to the north, watching the last cloud of her hope depart.
“Are you crazy?” a young boy called from below.
Ellyon’s eyes shot open. As she looked down from the cliff she began to wobble sideways. She flailed her arms wildly, trying to regain her balance and her foot stepped backward onto thin air.
“Ellyon!” The young boy shouted her name, his eyes now wide with fear. It was too late, though. She was already falling from heights above fifty feet, headfirst.
Ellyon closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, hugging her chest as she began chanting a protection spell. When she was just moments away from the ground, someone caught hold of her, and together, they rolled their way down the rest of the rock-infested mountainside.
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Chapter 1:

Six Years Later

“Back again, I see?”
Ellyon crossed her legs out in front of her as she gazed into another realm. Behind her, the forest loomed over the mountainside, their branches reaching for the sky. The side of her boot lingered beside the rushing water.
“I prefer here more than I do home, Alekah. Here, I am free.”
Alekah turned his head toward Noramound. In the distance, the farmers, their skin kissed by sun, tended their crops. A few stood proudly in their wooden boats, circling their floating gardens with watchful eyes.
Alekah sighed, “It may not be the place you favor, Ellyon, but it is where you are safe.”
Ellyon bent forward in search of her reflection. Ivory skin, soft features, blue eyes as deep as the ocean, and pointed ears stared back at her.
“Safety is not what I care for, Alekah. Putting one’s self in danger is worth the freedom. Isn’t that why humans fight in war?”
A familiar look of bitterness spread across Alekah’s face, his gray eyes becoming solemn.
She glanced up at him, “If freedom weren’t apart of victory, foolishness would be the only thing that drove them to war.”
Alekah’s body loosened, his expression also softening. “When did you become so wise? And more importantly, what type of danger do you plan putting yourself through escape?” his fingers tugged on the neck of her cloak and a current of air blew from his nostrils onto her face.
“Does it really matter what type of danger?” Ellyon asked, her blue eyes large and mischievous as a faerie’s.
Alekah scowled, “You have been my responsibility ever since we were young, Ellyon. It is my duty to keep you out of danger.”
In the shadow of her dear friend, Ellyon felt weak at that moment. Alekah was always the gentle one, the silent one, the wise one. But when it came to Ellyon’s safety, another side of him revealed itself.
“Do you understand?” Alekah demanded, leaning his face closer to hers.
Ellyon fastened her eyes on his. Fair skin, refined facial contours, and long, ash blond hair tucked behind his ears; Alekah had grown so much since she had first set eyes on him. Back then, he was just a meek little boy with a narrow frame struggling to become someone brave and strong enough to defend her. And now he was, and more.
Ellyon slipped out from under the cloak, “Not really.” She winked back at him, and like an arrow, she shot forward without looking back.
Alekah glared at the empty cloak for a long moment. He threw it onto the ground, “Get back here!” His nostril’s flared , but a certain sparkle in his eyes showed his true emotion. He hurdled over a barrier of rocks and darted after her.
Ellyon leapt onto a boulder implanted in the water. “If you want me, you have to catch me, Alekah.” she challenged him with a wry smile before tossing herself onto a smaller rock to cross the river.
In the fifteen years that I’ve known him, he’s never beat me to the garden. Ellyon’s smile shone brighter at the thought.
The challenge only made winning Ellyon more desirable in Alekah’s eyes, for she was the only prize he longed for.
“I want you, Ellyon,” Alekah whispered. “More than you could ever know.”

She flung herself onto another boulder, this one covered in thick layer of bright-green moss.
Why does he always worry for me? He knows I can take care of myself, she thought and continued skipping across the stones. But I guess it is in his nature. Ellyon slid her hand against the surface of a rock, searching for a crease she could use as leverage. He believes in keeping the peace. She heaved herself onto the boulder. And a person like myself is never at peace. Rocking back on her feet, Ellyon thrust herself onto the cobblestone platform of Noramound’s west division. In fact, I am the sole reason Noramound is… Alekah snatched Ellyon in his arms and they skidded across the ground. “You’re mine, now you have to swear to stay out of trouble.”
Ellyon, who’d had her head in the clouds the entire time, stared back at Alekah in wide-eyed wonder. The fact that her body was propped up against his chest, and her lips were just inches from his didn’t startle Ellyon. Even though she could feel his heart beating fast as a hummingbird’s and could smell the hint of mint leaves in his breathing, Ellyon was not frightened. She had known him far too long to be frightened by her dearest friend and protector.
Alekah brought himself to his feet. “Can’t believe I beat you this time, can you?” He shot her an impish grin before reaching out a hand to assist her.
Ellyon stared at the hand for long moment, draw dropped, still hypnotized by the event. The corners of her lips curled upward into a smile. She placed her hand in his, “Last one to the garden has to spend the night in Oroleed’s tomb.” With that, she ran for it, a cloud of dust trailing behind her.
Alekah’s smile fell.
As Ellyon dashed toward the east division, a strategy brewed in her thoughts.
Going around the fountain would waste much time, so I’ll just cut through and avoid the- Ellyon’s eyes struck open as if hit by lightning, “Are you following me?” She craned her head over her shoulder to find Alekah running alongside her with ease, dark blue cloak billowing behind him.
Alekah searched around himself, pretending to be oblivious of Ellyon‘s presence. “Huh? Oh, Ellyon, there you are!” He laughed with heavy sarcasm weighing down his voice. “I couldn’t see you there, short one.”
Still racing forward, Ellyon clenched her fists. “Why I oughta…”
“Eat-my-dust.” Alekah leapt over a stone bench and took a quick left.
“Hey! You come back here.” Ellyon gritted her teeth and went after him.
Alekah sprinted across the city, dodging tree branches and evading the crystalline pillars that supported the larger structures. Dense green foliage rapped around Naramound’s buildings like wallflowers, their movement governed by the sun. The city structures were carved out of mineral, ornamented finer than a king’s tomb with their pearl tiling and crystalline features.
Marble spread throughout the city engraved in walls, displayed in the center fountains, and stood adjacent to the columns in remembrance of Noramound’s past leaders. The rushing of nearby waterfalls could be heard at any spot in the city while the tune of songbirds filled the air. Dozens of waterwheels splashed and clicked as the river guided it. This was Noramound: the kingdom of beauty, tranquility, and wisdom.
Alekah heard the crunch of leaves from behind.
“Not one to give up so easily, are you?” Alekah taunted. “Too bad you will lose anyway.”
He started knotting around the columns, weaving his way through the city in an intricate pattern. Ellyon kept up with him, right on his tail.
The two of them were neck in neck. Just as they were about to cross onto the east platform, they rammed into something, knocking it over. Ellyon and Alekah coughed a few times and brushed the dirt off of their ivory sleeves before realizing exactly who they’d run into.
“Se-Seneschal Menolan?” the two stuttered in unison, suddenly scrambling to get up.
The advisor’s eyes narrowed and his nostrils flared a hurricane as he lay on the ground in his satin robe. “Care to explain the meaning of this?”
“Sorry about that, sir. We were, um,” Ellyon bit her lip in hesitation, looking toward Alekah for an explanation. Alekah’s shrugged his shoulders, also unsure of what to say to the council’s most callous and dutiful member.
Menolan threw himself back onto his feet with one quick movement, continuing to burn the edges of the two with his fiery glare. He strode closer to the children, the soles of his waders just barely touching the ground.
Ellyon and Alekah trembled in their boots and swallowed a gulp as they prepared for an hour of lecturing on the history, fundamentals, and consequences of rule-breaking.
“There shall be no need of that,” A voice like a thousand waterfalls broke into the exchange.
Alekah, Ellyon, and Menolan flinched, rotating their heads to hail their great leader.
He stood mighty and tall as the greatest of mountains, his skin shining with a light brighter than the sun. Beneath a circlet of silver were long, silky tresses that seemed to be made entirely of gold. His eyes contained a most powerful starlight, and the contours of his face appeared to be one of a marble carving. With grace, wisdom, and immortality at his right hand, he was the Elven Lord of Noramound.
Menolan bent down on his right knee, bowing his head of shadow in respect. Closing her jaw, Ellyon elbowed Alekah so the two of them could also bow. Ellyon made a great effort to remain still, holding her breath as she felt the presence of the Elven Lord approach her.
“You may rise.”
Ellyon tilted her head upward, but abruptly bent it back down.
“Yes, you, child.” Lord Selnac placed a glowing palm on both Ellyon and Alekah.
The two of them felt the warmth of his being pour into them like molten lava. Slowly, carefully, they lifted onto their feet and stood stoutly, still bowing their heads in both respect and awe.
Lord Selnac beamed at them a ray of sunshine, “On your way, now.” He gestured toward the nearby bridge.
Shaking off their astonishment, they nodded and crossed over to east division. Once they were certain they were out of view, Alekah and Ellyon plopped down in front of the garden, inhaling the intoxicating fragrances deeply.
“That was quite exhilarating, wasn’t it?” Alekah held his temples as he took in more air.
Ellyon nodded, holding her ribcage as she said, “Let’s never go that way again.”
“What shall we do about the race?” He raised her by her shoulders. “And Oroleed’s tomb?”
Ellyon paused and fixed her gaze on the sun setting over the mountaintops. The clouds gathered around the horizon, the sun’s golden glow leaking into them like a pitcher of sunshine. A sliver of orange rested on the crest of the mountain before fading into dusk.
“I suppose if we enter at as one, neither of us will have to spend the night with the dead kings, so…”
Linking her arm with Alekah’s, they walked through the open entrance of the garden and let out a sigh.
“Tomorrow at dusk is our generation’s first order advancement,” Ellyon glowered at the ground. She watched as her shadow grew longer, stretching onto the glass walls of the greenhouse. “What are we supposed to do? With the rules like this, we will never get the titles we truly wish for.” Her hands lingered on Alekah’s forearm. Absently, she traced the embroidered leaf-design with her finger.
Alekah averted his gaze from his arm, which tingled and made his palms pulse. He cupped a hand on her shoulder, “Meet me tomorrow at daybreak by the archery range and I’ll lay out our options.”
“We will have more of these adventures anon,” Ellyon removed Alekah’s hand from her shoulder, gave it one quick squeeze, and started heading out of the garden.
Right before stepping outside, she turned on her heel, her jet-black curls whipping around with her; the only genetic trace of her faery mother. The corners of her lips pulled up into a smile more brilliant than a hundred stars, “I forgot, I never had chance to express my thanks to you for saving me six years ago. I am honored to have a guardian as loyal and courageous as you, Master Alekah.” With that, she faded with the last ray of sunlight.

I feel really connected to your characters, especially Alekah. I like him. But the interactions and conversations dont feel very well rounded. (Tell me if i dont make sense. I often don't). To me its seems like there was a lot of overreaction. Maybe if i knew more about the details of what they were going through, i wouldn't think that. But with what I've got here, the emotions dont flow well.

Hi angels symphony!

Firstly, I just want to say that this piece is nicely written. I felt that your characters weren't flat at all... the chapter didn't reveal too much and wasn't too informative. I think it was just the right dose of information. I was confused though... when she fell off the cliff, and when she was beside a river, are those two different realms? Did she, as she fell, enter into a new realm? Or did she stay in the same realm as when she fell?

Secondly, there were a few errors I found in the chapter...

Ellyon reached into her side pocket and slipped some silver powder into her fist.

I think the word 'slipped' in there sounds odd.... It's kinda hard to slip powder into your hand. Maybe she could scoop up the powder?

She flapped her arms wildly..

It might just be me, but when I see or hear the word "flap" I think birds... Maybe flail is a better word?

“True, it may not be a place your favor, but it is your home. It is where you are safe.”

*you

t has been by duty to protect you ever since we were young and I do not intend to fail you as your guardian.

*my


I think those are the only problems I have seen.... I'm intrigued as to what will happen next.... ^^ I hope to read more of this story~

I owe you for all the reviews you've done for me, and this is also just a small thanks for your time. You're a great friend to have here on YWS

NITPICKS:

Preface:

She stood above all else and stared down at the world, her world [Granted, I'm being extremely nitpicky to a point that it's pathetic, but a hook is always crucial. Keep it beautiful and to the point. I would cut out the world, because your MC already thinks of it as hers, and all I care about is getting inside her head. Whew. That was a lot of rant for just a first sentence. Sorry].

The vast Nora Valley and the river that once imprisoned Ellyon with its size and authority now seemed nothing more than the size of her palm. Even more surprising, the great Noramound Kingdom that rested on the face of the blue looked diminutive in comparison. Ellyon removed one of her fingerless gloves and placed her hand beneath the city as if to cradle it.

“You’re mine now, Noramound.” She murmured under her breath. [I've read this through once already, and I noticed that you have a little punctuation problem. I'll just point it out here and leave you to fix the rest. This sentence should read like this: "You're mine now, Noramound," she murmured under her breath.] “You cannot stop me any longer. You cannot bound me from my true calling.”

Ellyon reached into her side pocket and slipped some silver powder into her fist [I would use grasped instead of slipped].

“Great spirits of the earth, of the sky [Cut the here. You don't have it in front of the other elements], of water, and of light, free me from my prison.” She placed her lips into an opening in her fist [Awkward. Cut into an opening] and blew with all her might. The powder flew into the air and caught with the racing winds. Ellyon gazed to the north, watching the last cloud of her hope depart.

“Have you gone mad? What are you doing on top of that cliff?” A [Lowercase a here] young boy called from below, a look of bitterness inching upon him [Again, awkward wording, the whole inching upon him bit. And as we don't know why he's bitter, that also bothers me, too. Why should we care about this boy? Either give us more, or less].

Ellyon’s eyes shot open and she began to wobble sideways. She flapped her arms wildly, trying to regain her balance and her foot stepped backward onto thin air.

“Ellyon!” The young boy shouted her name, his eyes now wide with fear. It was too late, though. She was already falling from heights above fifty feet, headfirst.

Ellyon closed her eyes an [Typo here] inhaled deeply and hugged her chest [And, and, and. Try to mix things up a bit. Reword] as she began chanting some sort of prayer [Some sort of prayer is too vague, especially when you've been giving us such detail so far]. When she was just moments away from the ground, something caught hold of her, and together, they rolled their way down the rest of the rock-infested mountainside. [I think someone would be better than something, since you have they in the sentence]

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Chapter 1:

“Back [s]here[/s] again, I see?”

Ellyon rested her legs in front of her [Sorry to sound like a broken record, but this sentence is, again, awkward. Try crossed instead of rested?] as she gazed into another realm. The side of her boot lingered beside the rushing water.

“I prefer here more than I do home, Alekah. That is, if I were to call it my home.”

Alekah raised his brow at her and sighed, “True, it may not be a place your favor, but it is your home. It is where you are safe.”

Ellyon bent forward in search of her reflection. Ivory skin, soft features, blue eyes as deep as the ocean and pointed ears stared back at her. “I do not care for safety, Alekah. I would rather be free and constantly in the presence of danger than to be in the safety of a prison.”

A familiar look of bitterness spread across Alekah’s finely carved face and his gray eyes froze to stone. He grabbed Ellyon by the shoulders and pinned her body to the ground.

“Do not ask for danger upon yourself, Ellyon. It has been by [Typo, I think? did you mean my?] duty to protect you ever since we were young and I do not intend to fail you as your guardian.” His fingers tugged on the neck of her blouse and a current of air blew from his nostrils onto her face.

Ellyon felt weak at that moment, pathetic in the eyes of her dear friend. Alekah was always the gentle one, the silent one, the wise one. But when it came to Ellyon’s safety, the violent side of Alekah revealed itself like the fire in a volcano.

Ellyon writhed and squirmed, struggling to break free of Alekah’s grasp. It was no use, he was a man. He had more power than a mere female. [Wow, I despise this sentence. And it seems odd that a strong MC you've created would think something like this. Females are often stronger than males, let me tell you. And besides, aren't they faeries or something? Wouldn't they be unnaturally strong?]

“Do you understand?” Alekah hissed once more, leaning [s]himself [/s]closer to her face.

Ellyon stopped moving [How about froze, sintead of stopped moving? That's the kind of awkward wording you seem to be struggling with] and her eyes fastened on his. Fair skin, high cheek-bones, almond eyes, well-defined figure, and long, silver hair tucked behind his ears. Alekah had grown so much since Ellyon had first set eyes on him. Back then, he was just a meek little boy with a narrow frame struggling to become someone brave and strong enough to defend her. And now he was, and more. He had overshadowed her in the process.

“Do not protect me, then,” Ellyon snapped back, tears beginning to swell in her eyes. “If I am such a trouble to watch over then why have you not traded me in? You could have left me long ago on my thirteenth year, and you still can on the day of my sixteenth year.”

“Ellyon, I,” [Is he being cut off here? Then it needs to read like this: "Ellyon, I—"]

“I have caused you enough trouble, Alekah. I cause everyone trouble!” Ellyon was shrieking now, her fists pounding against the stone as her eyes began to give into the force of her tears. “I am holding you back, Alekah. I am nothing more than your burden." [What's with the sudden pity party? You introduced her as mysterious, strong, clever. Why is she suddenly acting like a spoiled child? Either you're not sure who she is, or she's very inconsistent...]

“Silence!” Alekah ordered, his command fierce as a lion’s roar. “What makes you think of yourself as a burden?”

Ellyon couldn’t face him. She didn’t want him to see her so vulnerable. She didn’t want to see his fierce gray eyes staring directly into hers as she laid helplessly beneath his strength.

“Answer me,” [Period, not comma] Gently, he cupped her chin with his hand and turned her. “Who has told you this?”

“They think I do not hear them,” [Period] Ellyon felt her cheeks start to burn under his eyes. “But I do. Every time I pass by the others they speak of me as a nuisance, a bother. They whisper to each other and say that I am preventing you from becoming a great leader. The say…” Ellyon bit her tongue before she could say the last thing.

“Say what?” Alekah narrowed his eyes. “What else do they say?”

“Nothing,” [Period] Ellyon‘s voice had faded into a whisper. “Nothing more.”

But Alekah knew better. He could feel the guilt agonizing her body and he could see the secrecy lingering in her eyes.

“You’re lying.” [Comma now You can't seem to make up your mind] Alekah said bluntly. “You are a master of deceit, Ellyon, but you do not fool me. You have never fooled me.” His grip on her loosened and a tender look of concern and heartache filled his eyes, but Ellyon didn’t notice. Instead, Ellyon focused on the feeling of someone strangling her, preventing oxygen from reaching her lungs.

“Just because you can see right through me does not mean you will get me to tell.” Taking advantage of Alekah off-guard, Ellyon curled herself into a ball and rolled backward to get back on her feet. Like an arrow, she shot forward without looking back.

“Get back here!” Alekah’s nostrils flared as he hurdled over a barrier of rocks and darted after her.

Ellyon leapt onto a boulder implanted in the water. “If you want me, you have to catch me, Alekah.” She challenged him with a wry smile before tossing herself onto a smaller rock to cross the river.

In all the years that I’ve known him, he’s never beat me to the conservatory. Ellyon’s smile shone brighter at the thought.

The challenge only made winning Ellyon more desirable in Alekah’s eyes.

“I want you, Ellyon.” [Comma!] Alekah whispered. “More than you could ever know.”

OVERALL:

Love the ending. It gave me shivers.

There were some problems, though, as every writer comes across. Your MC, as stated above, seems inconsistent. The mood swings were throwing me off quite a bit. You just need to decide who she is, and editing will be easy enough.

Another problem was punctuation. You just need to read more, really. That's how I learned. Seeing the examples over and over again will eventually stick with you and show itself in your writing.

And lastly was the awkward wording. A trick I use is rereading my word out loud. It helps catch those kinds of things.

That's all I saw that bothered me, I think. I really like the romance already developing between the two MC's. I hope to see more of those two.

I hope I helped. Thanks for reading my own work, and I hope to hear from you again.

Your friend, KJ

Hi angels-symphony,

I think my key problem with this piece is the characterisation.

The dialogue feels melodramatic to me. People don't complain about being cooped up by their stupid parents (or whatever the problem is exactly), they "do not care for safety [...] would rather be free and constantly in the presence of danger than to be in the safety of a prison". They don't just call someone a liar, they say "You are a master of deceit, Ellyon, but you do not fool me". My acid test for realistic dialogue is whether I could actually say the line to a real person without (a) breaking eye contact out of embarrassment or (b) laughing, and I'm struggling to imagine calling anyone a "master of deceit" in a non-ironic way.

The emotion seems overblown generally, and for me, there was a jarring dislocation between what was happening and how the narrative presented it. Alekah comes across to me as borderline psychotic - I can't imagine how scary it must be for Ellyon to be alone with a physically stronger person she thinks is her friend, and then that person leaps on her, pins her down and leans over her. That is a physical, violent attempt at intimidation.

To be honest, I thought it was the setup to a rape scene. Much of the language is explicitly gendered and sexualised. A man has "more power than a mere female". Ellyon "laid helplessly beneath his strength". He's groping at her blouse, which has creepy sexual undertones. I was all prepared to ask why this scene didn't have an R-rating in the thread title.

I can't understand why Ellyon takes this so calmly. She doesn't consider being slammed around by a physically stronger person to be aggressive? Abusive? A betrayal of their friendship? If she's too sheltered to shout "sexual assault!" when a man is pinning her down and putting his hands on her blouse, isn't she at least left with lingering feelings of fear, unease and shame?

I think the narrative is trying to present this as an enthusiastic pep talk, reinforcing for Ellyon that Alekah thinks she's worth something, and that's what I find so jarring. Because to me, this is not a pep talk. It's an assault with a disturbing sexual context. And I'm happy to read about assaults with disturbing sexual contexts, but I'm not so comfortable when everybody seems to think this is perfectly normal behaviour between male and female friends.

Hope this helped,
Karsten

Following up on your PM - this version is considerably less creepy.

I like your characters very much. They have personality and it shows in their speech. What I think you need next is a few more descriptions. How are they feeling? What do their surroundings look like? Other than that I love it.

Wow. This piece was really good. It had a great fantastical air to it, which wasn't overdone, and had a lot of mystery. The ending was great, because it leaves you wanting to read more. I only have a few small nitpicks.

- "Ellyon closed her eyes an inhaled deeply and hugged her chest as she began chanting a protection spell." This sentence has too many 'ands' in it. Maybe write it more like, "Ellyon closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, hugging her chest as she began chanting a protection spell."

- "and his gray eyes become solemn." This should be 'became.'

And... That's all I have. I think your characterization was good, although the way the characters' appearances were described was verging on an info-dump, it was fine. You could spread it out a bit, adding it in bits and pieces, but it's not completely necessary. I think this is a great story idea, and I really want to read more! Nice work.

Overall, I have to say I enjoyed this piece. Even though I don't know
a whole lot about Ellyon and Alekah I certainly felt the connection the two of
them shared.

However, I was a bit confused regarding Ellyon falling off the cliff, did she go to another dimension, or was she dreaming? I'll take a wild guess though, I got the notion that the young boy you referred to in the preface was a younger version of Alekah, but I'm human, so I'm not positive

Gosh, Shina, I am so sorry it's taken me this long, I only just saw your request- you should have shouted at me!

I. NITPICKS

once imprisoned Ellyon

The river imprisoned her?

You cannot bound me from my true calling.”

bound is the wrong tense here, it should be "bind", but then I'm not sure I like the word anyway. "Keep" perhaps? I know it's boring, but it's the only one I can think of off the top of my head.

Okay...

II. TALKING HEADS

You've got a touch- only a touch, however, of talking head syndrome where, you know, you use dialogue to explain stuff. Think about it, would Ellyon and Alekah really talk like that if you didn't have to explain it to the reader?

You may be afraid of "telling" rather than showing, but don't be afraid to do a little bit. Sure, keep some of the information inside the dialogue, but also feel free to explain little bits at a time- to avoid infodumping, in plain prose. It'll sound better, on the whole...

III. OVERALL

I've messed up the order, as you know, and read the other bit first. But overall, I like this, it's a strong beginning. What I'm wondering is if the prologue was before or after Chapter One, it's hard to decide- maybe shoving in a "One Year Before" or whatever might be a good idea?

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.

wow what an interesting piece of work angel-symphony. this is brilliant. you have the makings of a true author. other than a few small errors you have done a great job. i love this. i look forward to seeing more stories like this in the future. i hope you enjoyed writing this as much as i have enjoyed reading this.

keep writing and remember if you don't enjoy what you are writing then how do you expect your readers to enjoy it?
thanks 4 posting,

Celticmusicgirl

Hey shina! Here as requested.

So let’s start with the
Preface

She stood above all else and stared down at her world.

The vast Nora Valley and the river that once imprisoned Ellyon with its size and authority, now seemed nothing more than the size of her palm.

Right away, I was a little confused because I thought Ellyon was a place. I would change the first ‘she’ to ‘Ellyon’ and then change ‘Ellyon’ to ‘she’. Also, I added a comma to help break up the sentence.

You cannot bound me from my true calling.

‘Bound’ should be ‘bind’.

Ellyon reached into her [s]side[/s] pocket and transferred some silver powder into her fist.

First of all, ‘side’ isn’t really needed. It’s just an extra word that you don’t need. Another think I wanted to bring up is the bolded section. Something about the wording feels rather technical, distracting from the otherwise graceful and mythical feel of the story. “…pocket and wrapped her hand around a fine, silver powder.” Or something like that helps retain the tone of the sentence.

“Great spirits of [s]the[/s] earth, of sky, of water, and of light, free me from my prison.”

You have a series here. And one thing my English teacher would have strangled me for is losing the basic pattern of a series. (he’s a little crazy about grammar.) But when you have a sequence or a series, all aspects of it need to be the same. So by removing ‘the’ from the sentence, all of the items are the same.

She was already falling from heights above fifty feet, headfirst.

The words in bold have the technical feel again. Try and create a more imaginative metaphor to describe the height that she’s falling from.

Ellyon closed her eyes an inhaled deeply and hugged her chest as she began chanting a protection spell.

I think you meant ‘and.’ Also, this is rather wordy. Try breaking it up a bit.

And on to
Chapter One

“I prefer it here more than I do home, Alekah.

That is, if I were to call it my home.”

You don’t really need the comma. It creates an unneeded pause.

Ellyon bent forward in search of her reflection. Ivory skin, soft features, blue eyes as deep as the ocean, and pointed ears stared back at her.

. Fair skin, high cheek-bones, almond eyes, well-defined figure, and long, silver hair tucked behind his ears.

INFO DUMP!!! *caps needed* Remember to work character description into the story slowly. Dumping information about a character on your readers will often result in them simply forgetting what you’ve told us about them.

I would rather be free and constantly in the presence of danger than to be in the safety of a prison.

I love this sentences and it’s a wonderful example of using dialogue to give your readers at the personality of Ellyon.

Ellyon’s feet dangled several inches above the ground.

Why are her feet above the ground? Is this because of something magical or did Ellyon move her legs on her own?

Back then, he was just a meek little boy with a narrow frame struggling to become someone brave and strong enough to defend her. And now he was, and more. He had overshadowed her in the process.

This is a great section too. It reveals a lot about Alekah and Ellyon’s relationship.

Ellyon slipped out of the cloak landed firmly on the ground,

What’s landing on the ground, Ellyon or the cloak. You’ll need to clear that up.

In the fifteen years that I’ve known him, he’s never beat me to the garden.

I really don’t think that this particular portion of thought is necessary. It just feels unneeded. Plus, it takes away the surprise of her destination.

“I want you, Ellyon,” Alekah whispered. “More than you could ever know.”

I adore this dialogue because it’s so open and honest. Being blunt is good, most especially when love is concerned. That I’ve learned from personal experience. Most of the time, women try to overcomplicate things. Men will lay all their cards on the table and show you that there’s nothing up their sleeves. Just remember that balance when you write about their relationship.

Characters

Ellyon
She’s the basic rebel and the prisoner of a kingdom (at least the way you’ve made it seem). She’s trapped by the protection that’s been placed around her and she craves freedom and independence. You’ve made her character relatable and you’ve done so without being overbearing. But most teenagers can understand the feeling. How many times have your parents told you that you can’t go out. They want to protect you (or possibly punish you if your me ^^ ) but it can seem like they’re trying to imprison you. Ellyon just has an entire kingdom to be trapped in.

Alekah
Or however you pronounce it is like every guy I’ve ever dated (I have a type) and you capture him well. The protector. They can be a bit withdrawn and almost seem like your best friend but you end up falling for them because that’s just it; you can’t love someone if they aren’t also your best friend.

Dialogue
You’ve captured dialogue well here. Even though the setting feels old world-like, you keep the speech very natural, suited for almost any time. Just remember that the only slang you can use would be that of the time (like wench or breeches?? I couldn’t really think of any good examples off of the top of my head).

Style
There were a few places where you made the writing seem rather technical and this distracted from the movement and tone of the piece. Make sure you always pick the perfect word, not its second cousin, that way, your word choice and sentence structure blend well and create a good flow.

Relationship
I talked a little about Alekah and Ellyon’s relationship once before but I figured I should emphasize the point. Love is a friendship set on fire. So it’s just a matter of getting their friendship to spark and you’ll have love. Also remember that they are still two independent creature. Relationships are based on balance. Look at the relationships around you. There are those that seem inseparable (too inseparable) and they can’t handle being away from each other; or relationships where one can’t seem to function or make decisions without the other who seems to function perfectly. These are weak relationships. But when both individuals work together and understand one another but remain independent, then you have a relationship that works.

This is good Shina and I’m sorry this took me so long to get my review posted. My dad’s in dictator mode so my internet usage has been majorly cut. I’m missing chat. Anyway, I promised a cookie. *chucks a plate of muffins at Shina* Oops, wrong plate. ^^

~lilymoore

Hey, Shina! My apologies for not getting to this sooner. >_< Had a lot on my plate. But hopefully you're still looking for feedback on it! I'm going to just review this section of it, and then will you PM me and let me know if you still want me to continue and critique the other part of it, too? Thank you!

I. Little Things

The vast Nora Valley, covered in a thick blanket of emerald, and its cobalt-blue river that once imprisoned Ellyon with its size and authority, now seemed nothing more than the size of her palm.

Usually I don't mess with grammar or go through and point out every misplaced comma, but I just want to point out the misplaced comma in this sentence and the reason it's misplaced. xD The reason it's misplaced is because you've constructed a pretty convoluted sentence here. I know that you want to describe the surroundings, but by inserting it into the main message, you kind of get all mixed up. Without the optional information, it would read:

"The vast Nora Valley and its cobalt-blue river now seemed nothing more than the size of her palm."

See? If you make it simple like that, you wouldn't use the comma after 'river' {or 'authority', which is just modifying river [and maybe the valley, too, I'm not sure]}. I think if you wanted to make this sentence clearer, you could simply rework the syntax like so:

The vast Nora Valley and its cobalt-blue river now seemed nothing more than the size of her palm, though the river had once imprisoned Ellyon with its size and authority.

But see, now we get even more confused when we compare it to the original sentence. Are you trying to say that the valley was big as well, because the way you have it worded, it seems you're only speaking about the river. Can a valley really imprison a town? I can see the river as snaking around it and making it impossible to leave, but I don't know about the valley. If you meant both, then you'd have to say 'with their size and authority' instead of 'its' so that you refer to both objects.

Anyways, yeah. You have to look out for long, winding sentences like this because when you add in a bunch of details, it warps the main message, and the message is what you're trying to get through to the reader, so it's counter productive. xD

Even more surprising, the great Noramound Kingdom that rested on the face of the blue looked diminutive in comparison.

Okay, so the word 'diminutive' is used correctly here, I'm not saying that's wrong, but it sounds completely out of place in this sentence. I think, because you just started the piece, that throwing in a bigger/lesser known word like that right off the bat can be intimidating and ruin the gentle flow that you had before to ease the reader into reading. :] I'd use a common word instead, like 'tiny' or something like that. ^___^

When she was just moments away from the ground, someone caught hold of her, and together, they rolled their way down the rest of the rock-infested mountainside.

There's another extra comma in here -- you don't need the comma after 'together'. I also don't think the phrase 'rock-infested' works very well, but that's up to you. I think a different phrase might communicate the idea better and without making me wrinkle my nose. Teehee. ^_^

A few stood proudly in their wooden boats, circling their floating gardens with watchful eyes.

I don't think you need to use 'their' either time in this sentence, because it gives the same image either way. Plus, using 'their' just makes it sound awkward, especially with the repetition of the word.

Ellyon bent forward in search of her reflection. Ivory skin, soft features, blue eyes as deep as the ocean, and pointed ears stared back at her.

Okay, so I admit, I've used this technique before, but it's a small type of info dump. If you just plop all of this information on the reader at once, there's a chance that a) they might get annoyed and b) they might forget some of it, compared to if you worked it in gradually like you did with Alekah's gray eyes. Consider trying to rework it. ^__^ In fact, you did mention her blue eyes later in the piece, so why did you have to put them in here as well. You obviously know how to avoid info dumps, so just skip this one. ^__^

She winked back at him, and like an arrow, she shot forward without looking back.

Back at him implies that either he winked at her first, or she'd been turned away, which wasn't the image I got. I think it would serve the same purpose in the piece if you omitted 'back'.

Alekah glared at the empty cloak for a long moment. He threw it onto the ground, “Get back here!” His nostril’s flared ,

This section gets pretty choppy compared the flow you had going before. Besides that, you'd need a period after 'ground' instead of a comma, because it's not an actual dialogue tag. Also, there's no apostrophe in 'nostrils'.

Ellyon leapt onto a boulder implanted in the water.

'Implanted' is kind of a bad word to use in this context, because it doesn't really make sense. It implies that the boulder was put there on purpose and not that it was just sticking out of the water.

The challenge only made winning Ellyon more desirable in Alekah’s eyes, for she was the only prize he longed for.

This is a really awkwardly-phrased sentence.

“I want you, Ellyon,” Alekah whispered. “More than you could ever know.”

And so is this. I think they're both awkward for about the same reasons. I don't know if this is what you're going for, but they both sound like Alekah is only focused on the physical aspect of Ellyon. oO; Which makes it rather creepy rather than romantic and unrequited.

II. Big Things

-- Stressing in Dialogue

One of the biggest annoyances I found in this story was that you use italics to stress where you wanted the dialogue [and sometimes even the narration] stressed way too often. It's okay every once in a while, but if you do it all the time, the reader will notice it and get annoyed. Why? Because the reader is a big part of your writing. They'll emphasize which words they want to, because they're the ones reading it, so they'll give Alekah the tones that they imagine him with, and they'll have him stress where he should in their mind. The only time you should really put in the stress is when it's absolutely necessary to the meaning of the sentence, which I don't know that it was at any time in this piece. Know what I mean? Try going through the sentences where you did that and see if they'd be okay with different stresses. If they work, leave it up to the reader.

Overall, this was a pretty okay beginning. Nothing really happened yet, and that's okay, but hopefully there's more action in the second part of chapter one, because otherwise it'll be kind of pointless. :]

Let me know if you have any questions -- feel free to PM me whatever you need clarification on.

Also, remember to PM me and let me know if you want me to continue on to the second part still, or if you're not working on this story any longer.

-Hannah-

updated and back from the bottom of the pile