Deleted

DELETED

Hey KJ!

Fear is coming. I can taste his presence, drawing nearer with each second.

Great hook!

On that dark day I’d only turned to Fear—he’d staggered back when my eyes met his—and told him to leave.

Try: On that dark day, I turned to Fear-he staggered back when my eyes met his-and told him to leave.

I wish I could long for the freedom of grief, the abandon of ecstasy, even the release of fury.

Beautiful sentence.

“What does your terror taste like, Elizabeth?” he asks breathlessly. “What would it feel like to see your eyes cloud over with my essence? To know you tremble at my will?”

This is a great piece of dialogue. I'm really starting to like Fear!

Because a normal teenager would, I know.

The underlined part can be nixed.

Okay, the verdict. This was great. It was an original idea and I've never read anything like this before. In my opinion, this character is one you seem to grasp more than the one in House of Shadows.

Fear is a great character and I really want to know more about him. You have some great dialogue, there are not any grammatical errors, and Elizabeth's mind is beautiful, in all it's somberness.

I don't think you jumped into this too fast. I think this is the perfect place to begin this story. Just take your time and let us get to know Elizabeth a little more.

Keep writing,

~Angel

P.S. gold star

Hey kels. I see you have two new pieces out so I decided to start with this one first.

And I must say, what a beginning?! This story is surprisingly addictive. The first chapter only and I must say, I'm hooked. I want more! I've never read a story about emotions personified. Very unique and very cool.

I can't praise you more than this so I must say, next time we go to the beach, you have to bring the entire copy of this story for me to read hehe

I'm sorry--I don't have time for a proper critique or review, so all I can say is: wow. Great! I'm so intrigued, I can't wait till you post more, you've got to PM me when you add some! I especially like Fear's quote: "What does your terror taste like, Elizabeth?" That's great!! You have made us want more, truly. We ask: Why can't Elizabeth feel? and Will she learn to feel? (I'm hoping so, but...) Do we get to meet other faeries? So many unanswered questions that leave us itching for more! Bravo, KJ, this was delightful to read. PM me.

Fascinating! Absolutely fascinating! How do you come up with this stuff? The dialogue was clever, the imagery powerful, and the thoughts well organized. You're just amazing all around!

I'm sorry I don't have any more to say. Will you PM me with the next chapter?

Thanks for another outstanding read!
--Anna

This is the first thing i have ever read or replied to on this site and i have to say that i am stunned. This story is so fascinating and I NEED to hear more. One thing I want you to keep in mind, though. Don't push the no emotions thing to the point of it being annoying. If you mention it every other sentence (not saying that you do) then it gets tiresome. Just put it into the reader's mind and then maintain the idea.
Oh! and your characters are amazing! Sometimes you get emotions personified but its always in that cheezy kind of way but this...wow! This is something else! On a totally different level all together.

This is some seriously beautiful writing. You've done a great, great job with her character - because I know she's a teenager, and even at certain places she talks like a teenager. But there is something very very different about her. I love the personification of Fear too - really unique. I've never seen anything like it before. Great, great job, and I can't wait to keep reading.

Wow. What a clever idea! I've never seen anything like it before. Like you said in the introduction, it must be really hard to write a character with no emotions, when, as humans, we're so immersed in emotions every waking moment.

Something I noticed about this that I really liked was that Elizabeth's character really reached out to me. Throughout the story, you really captivate the reader, and you describe Elizabeth's lack of feeling so well that the reader can feel it too. For example, when Fear set the barn on fire, I didn't feel the urgency of it, or the fear it should invoke, because I was so in tune with Elizabeth's emotions (or lack thereof). The descriptions were beautiful, and they really draw the reader in. They also helped the reader see how Elizabeth sees Fear... in a kind of intriguing way. Really cool.

Something about your writing style also helps me identify with the emotionlessness. I can't exactly point it out, but good job.

All in all, great story. I didn't find a single thing I didn't like.

I just wanted to thank you guys. All of you. Your encouragement just really makes the writing worthwhile. And I'll definitely keep going with this.

Thanks again, Angel of Death, AshleyLee, Roo2, Anna Graham, Mandeyy, Tallulahbelle, Lyrical_Sunshine, and ImaginitiveInsanity. You're the best.

KJ

I just want to say WOW it has been like forever since I've been stunned by a book and you did an excellent job in doing so that was extraordinary. Fear was so much more than what I expected i thought he was just going to be this sudden wave of extreme casted upon this girl who thought she couldn't feel but he wasn't and that is what took me into the world of Elizabeth and i agree with Imaginative Insanity you really become connectedto her i had to go back and read the part about her being on fire because it just seemed to be like no biggie OH MY GOD I'm in love

Well done! *claps* I've never been pulled in like that in the first sentence. Maybe the first paragraph, but never the first sentence. Great job!

I loved your characters: the unique personality of Fear, her mother's wary and scared characteristic of her own child, and even Elizabeth's emotionless self. Elizabeth really reached out to me, and it's been a while when I have actually read a book that's done that.

All in all, great job! I didn't find a single thing I didn't like. Keep writing!

zOe

PS: PM me when you come out with the next chapter!