Soulless [Chapter Three, Part 1]

Thanks to everyone who posted comments on previous posts! Your comments are greatly appreciated and helped immensely!:D

longing around while I pressed my nose against the glass of their exhibit.

I think you mean "lounging" not "longing".

I knocked, despite that Mom scolded me,

This was just worded weirdly. I had to read it a few times for it to make sense, and even then it still felt wrong.

with little children constantly raping against my glass window

This one made my eyes go wide for a second. "Rapping" not "raping"... Honest mistake... Raping is... Well, you know...

She would just continue rapping, knockknockknockknockknock, and insist on knocking,

Making the knocks all one word is a little distracting. Separate them by commas or something.

“Did he really?” I asked sourly. My mom wasn’t a topic I was comfortable with discussing.

You should get rid of the "my mom wasn't... with discussing" part. You've already made that obvious by her tone, and telling us her mother is a touchy subject only hurts the effect.

I rolled my eyes. Like you even care, I thought.

I'd personally get rid of "I thought". You don't need a dialogue tag since we already know it's Ronnie thinking. It is from her point of view, after all. Plus you've got her as the main aspect of this paragraph, so it makes the fact it's her thinking even more obvious.

“Duty calls,” Dad said jokingly

Whenever someone is joking, you have a habit of always writing "(insert character name) said jokingly." Once in a while I guess it's okay, but try other ways. Maybe "he joked" (not much change, but I think it's far better than the other way), "he laughed", "he chuckled", "he giggled". Just try to find some variations.

Rae pretended to curtsy and Dad topped his imaginary hat back

"Tipped" not "topped".

I hoped out and ran towards where Brendan was sitting.

"Hopped" not "hoped".

“I guess you could say you’re the type of person who’s easy to love to their face and hate behind their back.”

Wait... my... cat-fight senses are... tingling!

No, I told myself. I don’t believe it./[i]
But I did believe it; every part of me couldn’t reject it. Memories twisted around in my mind like proof. First, me throwing the pillow and him laughing, and then him fidgeting when I asked why he wanted to hear from Kiara so badly. Calling him and hearing the giggle and puckering…
Maybe he got tired of running in circles after me and finally found the girl he was looking for. Part of me felt bad. The other part was aghast.
I thought I could contradict the truth to make it feel better, to make the pain slightly less acute, but as much as I didn’t want to believe, my mind already knew. It was too late to deny.
I was genuinely shocked. I never thought it’d come down to my best friend and my black-mailing other best friend going out with each other behind my back.
[i]I should have known, I thought. I should’ve known, damn it. How could you be so stupid?

Look over this section here. In your story it's all italicized even though it shouldn't and there's a stray [i] here and there.

Kiara would go below the belt and through a Frappuchino at me

"Throw" not "through".

And how could Brendan not even let me off with a warning?

I'm not sure what you mean by warning. Like, "Touch my girlfriend and I'll go medieval on you"? Or is it "look out, a flying frappachino"? The meaning is a bit too vague.

The brown bark of trees encircled me like a cage.

She's looking for a place of escape, is she not? A place of peace and quiet where she can be alone and tend to her emotional wounds? If so, then referring to the trees as "like a cage" is not a good idea. It symbolizes entrapment, lack of freedom, sadness, and possibly fear. It's not the best way to describe the forest at this time.

Well done once again! I'm loving this. You had more typos than usual in this one (the one that stands out is the "raping" one), so go through your chapters a few more times than usual to catch those from now on. Other than that, it was great! Keep the PMs coming.

Hey! Basket here once again! Sorry, saw this and thought, OMG I have to read it! Anyhoo, I review the same way as before. If you don't remember, I'm sure it'll be pretty obvious, especially since a lot of YWS members review the same way...
Anyhoo! Lets get started!

I think I heard, “you’re a brilliant kid, Ronnie,”

I distinctly remember coming across a lazy crocodile or two, longing around while I pressed my nose against the glass of their exhibit.

"longing" to "lounging".

I knocked, despite that Mom scolded me,

To me, this sounds awkward. I would say:
"...I knocked, despite the fact that Mom scolded me..."

decorated home with little children constantly raping against my glass window.

This made me giggle for a moment...
I'm pretty sure you meant, "rapping".

No, I frankly had absolutely no idea that my father loved my mother.

Sarcasm, I'm assuming? Let us know with an eye roll or a burst of irritation through Veronica.

Good, I thought, wasn’t going to bother.

I think you're missing a word or two here?

I went to high school and had a crush on the boy I sat next to in Geography and

I think that has to be capitalized... though not one hundred percent sure.

She stared at my kindly, expecting a reply, but I kept my eyes elsewhere.

"my" to "me".
And why did she keep her eyes elsewhere? Because she was glad? Embarressed? Annoyed?

But nobody stops to read the small print.

"small" to "fine".

Usually he cleared his scheduler and bugged me until I confessed

Ehrmm... take off the "r"?

They were all Kiara’s puppies; her clones.

“Ronnie, what are you still doing in your pyjamas?”

A: "pajamas".
B: When did she change into her pajamas?

The urge to scream and bark my retor was so strong that

"retor" to "retort", possibly?

reached for the pair of jeans with a hole ripped in the knee that I know Dad hates.

You go from past to present here. Switch it to: "I knew Dad hated".

“I didn’t think you had a problem with it.”

"I didn't think you'd have a problem with it."

“Great!” Rae twittered.

Haha. Twittered. Sorry.

Dad opened the door and held it for Rae. I trailed a steady distance behind them, not wanting to get too close and lead her to believe I actually wanted to listen to her talk. Dad pushed open the door to the stairs with a metallic clunk before ushering us ahead. “Ladies first.”

Their small talk and the thumps our feet were making on the hallow stairs echoed off the walls.

Making...?

No, I told myself. I don’t believe it./

You missed a little italics coding there. ^

[i]I should have known, I thought.

^ More missed italics coding.

I didn’t think Kiara would go below the belt and through a Frappuchino at me.

"through" to "throw".


Niiiiiice.
[i]Very interesting chapter. Well... part of a chapter anyway. Ahhh, you should hurry it up and get the next part out.
As for your poll, I voted that Rae's, "good but could use some work". Have her have more emotions later and when she starts to cry, have her cry for more than two seconds. Other than that...
Good job!
Can't wait to see the next part!
-Basket-

Hey!

Great job, as usual. There just was one thing that I didn't quite understand that the reviewers above me didn't mention.

fragile_heart(!) wrote:I shocked myself by chuckling three times and shaking my head. “Well, well, well,” I chanted.

Did you really mean chuckling? If so, how do you chuckle three times?

Can't wait to see what happens next!

zOe

PS Do you mind PM-ing me when a new chapter / part comes out?