Prolouge- Midnight Kiss

Prologue Midnight Kiss (':twisted:')



I throw the freezing cold water on my face, my palms are begging to numb as they are pressed against the marble sink. My faces quickly turns from a slightly tanned peach to a sickening pale white. My every flaw seems to evaporate off my body as my muscles ripple into god-like form. My short dirty blond hair grows and crops to a pitch unnatural black.Worst of all my hazel green eyes burn into a fiery red..........I am a vampire.
My human body form is a sudden unnoticed seventeen year old, who tends to keep to himself. I speak as if he is another person, rather another soul then body...... My human features kept me innocent.
The Echoing bass of the night club shook the ground like miniature earthquakes. The flashing strobe lights gave you a brief image of the person with their hands on my neck being possessed by my unforgiving smile.The parties flow of alcoholic intoxicated my victims. I truly regret taking the blood of an innocent, but i figure if i don't kill them then the poison from my bite will cause amnesia. To have the luxury to forget my seducing bite is truly a blessing, for i cannot escape my own personal demon raging within.
The absent minded beach blond drunk girl, swaying like a child on swing around my long strong neck, is soon to witness this terror. Her pretty face loses connection with my burning red and she breaks a young smile. She unravels her arms from me, takes my hand, and wanders towards the weakly lighted EXIT sign. I take a unused napkin from a empty table and place it in my shirt pocket. The uncontrollably obnoxious crowd jumps and screams as a new song is presented. A large highly intoxicated teenager is flung in the air towards the small brittle blond girl maneuvering her way through the crowd to the door.
As he comes hurdling towards her, my arms shoots up and I effortlessly push him about six feet into a group of conversing older men with weak alcoholic drinks in their wrinkled hands. As drunk and clueless as the girl was she didn't notice the commotion. We reached the door and she began to wrestle with its steel hinges in attempt to open it. After at least a minute of her pushing she finally looked to me like a dog in need of human assistance. With one finger i opened the door, as it opened the loud music leaked into the outside world. We hurried to close it in order to prevent the awakening of tired neighbors.
The cold wet alley way of "EL Gato Negro" seemed quite peaceful compared to the chaos within it. Soon enough the girls seducing attire was pressed against my hard body. Her smooth pink lips were placed on my cold neck. I rose my hand to her face and whispered the words" slow down...... let me do this" I lowered my head to her level and my vampire fangs began to emerge from my gum's. My body is accustomed to the excruciating pain of my growing fangs puncturing her skin. My poison kicks in immediately and she doesn't realize me feeding. I quickly release my grip as a glass plate shatters behind her. She whips around and is mesmerized by the tiny kitten fumbling in the scattered dishes of the night club.
I took the confusion as an opportunity to escape, my ability to fly allows me to quickly get to the roof of the building. As i settle my landing i take out the napkin i acquired from inside. i wipe off the excess blood from my lips and I transform back into my unsatisfying human form.

Hey Mario ^^ I'll be your reviewer this evening

I throw the freezing cold water on my face, my palms are begging to numb as they are pressed against the marble sink.

Okay, first things first: As an intro, this isn't alluring. If I were a fish, I couldn't go after it. Remember that the first line of your novel needs, must, have a hook!
Also, if the MC is throwing cold watero n their face, how are their palms against the marble at the same time?

My faces quickly turns from a slightly tanned peach to a sickening pale white.

Should be "face" unless the MC is an alien or something xD

My every flaw seems to evaporate off my body as my muscles ripple into god-like form. My short dirty blond hair grows and crops to a pitch unnatural black.Worst of all(,) my hazel green eyes burn into a fiery red..........I am a vampire.

Oh, goodness @_@ Not vampires again.
Remember when you use vampires that they're still characters in your book and must have flaws unlike Stephanie Meyer's characters. Their flaws must somehow prevent the MC from overcoming the conflict or defeating the antagonist.
Also, when you become a vampire, shouldn't it hurt? Where's the description to the pain and the aching? How would the MC know that his muscles ripped into a god-like form if he's suffering from the pain? What's wrong with fiery red eyes?

My human body form is a sudden unnoticed seventeen year old, who tends to keep to himself. I speak as if he is another person, rather another soul then body...... My human features kept me innocent.

Oh, Lord. You've got your tenses wrong, dear. Earlier it was present tense and now the first line of his is from another time. You need to fix that. Also, why would the MC all of a sudden talk about his old body/soul like it's something else when he's only a newborn. he's not experienced yet. He just turned into a vamp. Also, this is a bad, bad way to introduce what he used to be, and also, it doesn't seem to matter since you rushed into the vamp thing.

The Echoing bass of the night club shook the ground like miniature earthquakes. The flashing strobe lights gave you a brief image of the person with their hands on my neck being possessed by my unforgiving smile.The parties flow of alcoholic intoxicated my victims. I truly regret taking the blood of an innocent, but i figure if i don't kill them then the poison from my bite will cause amnesia. To have the luxury to forget my seducing bite is truly a blessing, for i cannot escape my own personal demon raging within.

Echoing should not be capitalized. Capitalize "I" And also, how did you get here? The MC just turned into a vamp. You just cut corners, a no-no.

Okay, the errors seem to repeat, so I'll stop here.

Starting off with your MC turning into a vampire isn't good the way you did it. You did it in present tense saying things like "I throw cold water on my face" and it's telling too much rather than showing. The prologue should be either in first person using past tense verbs or in third person.

You also skip the parts right after the MC becomes a vamp and skip the pain, and go all super powers. Part of becoming a vampire is feeling the pain, suffering, trying to survive, and then trying to resist the urge to drink blood, right?

Also, how the heck did the MC get to the party? Why does he fly out? He's moving around too much and he just turned into a vampire @_@ It's too hard to follow.

Your character seems to be a mary-sue, a god-like character. There doesn't seem to be any flaws, any conflict the way you make it seem. Your MC has muscles, cooler hair and eyes, can fly, and suffers from nothing. There's no real hook, no real conflict. What's the problem, anyway? Everything is just moving really fast.

I suggest you think your plot through before continuing with this because it's going too fast, and there's nothing important going on, and you're skipping. Don't rush.

On the good side, most of your descriptions were decent ^^ Keep writing

-Shina

Heya!

There were a few grammar problems in the story, that distracted from it a bit. It also went a little too fast, and it doesn't seem like anything big is going to happen. Maybe build up a little suspense? Your description really brought me into the scene, well done!

Keep writing!

i agree with the last post...

Be mysterious. State your purpose vivdly and to the point... But don't divulge too much information at one time. If you do this the reader won't want to read anymore because they've allready learned everything to know...........(girls----same concept with dating)...............

I don't pretend to be an expert, I struggle with this sometimes too.




(please read my story. tell me wat u think. you might be interested allthough it starts off girly>>>>>

My faces quickly turns from a slightly tanned peach to a sickening pale white.

Should be face.

Worst of all my hazel green eyes burn into a fiery red..........I am a vampire.

Maybe instead of telling us like that lets us find that out by fangs growing, a tatse for blood, ect.

I speak as if he is another person, rather another soul then body...... My human features kept me innocent.

I would put were another person and why the dots? I would put a semi colon [;] instead.

The Echoing bass of the night club shook the ground like miniature earthquakes.

No capital in echoing.

The flashing strobe lights gave you a brief image of the person with their hands on my neck being possessed by my unforgiving smile.

This sentence confused me a lot, might need to re write, also 'a person' should replace 'the person.'

The parties flow of alcoholic intoxicated my victims.

Should just be alcohol.

The absent minded beach blond drunk girl, swaying like a child on swing around my long strong neck, is soon to witness this terror.

Do you mean bleached blond?

Her pretty face loses connection with my burning red and she breaks a young smile.

Should be burning red eyes.

Soon enough the girls seducing attire was pressed against my hard body.

Should be girl's no 'girls'.

Overall its alright, I'm not a huge fan of present or first person. So i find it hard to compare to other things i have written or read. I find that it should be more descriptive and should be less of a telling and a more of a seeing.

I took the confusion as an opportunity to escape, my ability to fly allows me to quickly get to the roof of the building.

I would put something like 'I took the opportunity to escape by hurling myself up into the glistening night sky and gently floating to the roof.'

Hi there MAri0O07, I'll be reviewing your story today.

Everything in bold is what I am commenting on.

I throw the freezing cold water on my face, my palms are begging to numb as they are pressed against the marble sink. My faces quickly turns from a slightly tanned peach to a sickening pale white. My every flaw seems to evaporate off my body as my muscles ripple into god-like form. My short dirty blond hair grows and crops to a pitch unnatural black.Worst of all my hazel green eyes burn into a fiery red..........I am a vampire.

1) I think "begging" should be 'beginning'.
2) Faces? Surely you only have one face?
3) "Tanned Peach" is an oxymoron, considering peace is a very light colour. "Tanned bronze" is a bad example, but I think it would work a bit better.
4) Again, "grows and crops" is an oxymoron, because if it's growing, then it wouldn't crop? Try "My short dirty blond hair grows to an unnatural black."
5) I think that "pitch unnatural black" is a bit of a difficult line to read. The word order is a bit wrong, you could change it to "unnatural pitch black" or just omit the "pitch". (since black is pretty dark)
6) All of the full stops are a BIG no-no. If you want to create the effect, just use ellipsis (which is the 3, ...)

My human body form is a sudden unnoticed seventeen year old, who tends to keep to himself. I speak as if he is another person, rather another soul then body...... My human features kept me innocent.

The Echoing bass of the night club shook the ground like miniature earthquakes. The flashing strobe lights gave you a brief image of the person with their hands on my neck being possessed by my unforgiving smile.The parties flow of alcoholic intoxicated my victims. I truly regret taking the blood of an innocent, but i figure if i don't kill them then the poison from my bite will cause amnesia. To have the luxury to forget my seducing bite is truly a blessing, for i cannot escape my own personal demon raging within.

The problem here is that you switch from present tense (I grab an apple from the bowl and leave) to past tense (I grabbed an apple from the bowl and left). Decide on a tense in the beginning, and try to stick to it. (it's not always easy if you're adept at writing in many tenses)

1) The first sentence is very jumbled. Try 'My human body is suddenly transformed into an unnoticeable seventeen year old.'
2) In the next bold part, it sounds as though your character is schizophrenic. Try word it differently
3) The 'e" should be a small letter.
4) Who is 'you'?
5) Party's (the apostrophe s indicating possession, as the flow of alcohol belonged to the party)
6) Alcohol
7) The "i" should be a capital letter, I.
If it is personal, then it is your own. Simply say "my personal..."

The absent minded beach blond drunk girl, swaying like a child on swing around my long strong neck, is soon to witness this terror. Her pretty face loses connection with my burning red and she breaks a young smile. She unravels her arms from me, takes my hand, and wanders towards the weakly lighted EXIT sign. I take a unused napkin from a empty table and place it in my shirt pocket. The uncontrollably obnoxious crowd jumps and screams as a new song is presented. A large highly intoxicated teenager is flung in the air towards the small brittle blond girl maneuvering her way through the crowd to the door.

This paragraph was very confusing, and I wasn't entirely sure what was going on.

1) The saying is "bleach blond". You may want to check on that though.
2) I didn't understand what you were saying here, try being more clear.
3) Burning red what?
4) Lighted = Lit
5) Oxymoron yet again, 'small brittle' adds the same thing to the story. Just use one.

As he comes hurdling towards her, my arms shoots up and I effortlessly push him about six feet into a group of conversing older men with weak alcoholic drinks in their wrinkled hands. As drunk and clueless as the girl was she didn't notice the commotion. We reached the door and she began to wrestle with its steel hinges in attempt to open it. After at least a minute of her pushing she finally looked to me like a dog in need of human assistance. With one finger i opened the door, as it opened the loud music leaked into the outside world. We hurried to close it in order to prevent the awakening of tired neighbors.

1) Either 'my arms shoot up' or 'my arm shoots up'
2) This sentence is difficult to wade through because of the heavy describing. Take a few of the words like "wrinkled", "conversing" away and it'll be a cleaner, easier sentence to read.
3) "In an attempt"
4) You mention the door being open twice, this is unnecessary as you mention it the first time.

The cold wet alley way of "EL Gato Negro" seemed quite peaceful compared to the chaos within it. Soon enough the girls seducing attire was pressed against my hard body. Her smooth pink lips were placed on my cold neck. I rose my hand to her face and whispered the words "slow down...... let me do this" I lowered my head to her level and my vampire fangs began to emerge from my gum's. My body is accustomed to the excruciating pain of my growing fangs puncturing her skin. My poison kicks in immediately and she doesn't realize me feeding. I quickly release my grip as a glass plate shatters behind her. She whips around and is mesmerized by the tiny kitten fumbling in the scattered dishes of the night club.

I took the confusion as an opportunity to escape, my ability to fly allows me to quickly get to the roof of the building. As i settle my landing i take out the napkin i acquired from inside. i wipe off the excess blood from my lips and I transform back into my unsatisfying human form.

1) Alleyway is one word.
2) Write the name of the club in italics.
3) The ellipsis problem mentioned before
4) Your forgot the punctuation mark at the end of the dialogue.
5) You switch from past tense into present tense with this sentence.
6) Switching from past tense to present tense again.

Characters:

You have a very interesting character here, and I'd love to know more about how he thinks, and what he is thinking. Since this is a very short piece, I don't expect character development to happen, but a bit more depth wouldn't hurt. It's also difficult to have a character with no name, so try and work that in here.
The girl: We don't know why the nameless vampire attacks her. Is there a reason?

Grammar:

You made 3 mistakes continuously throughout the piece, all mistakes easily made. But easy to look out for once you know you make the mistake. The first being the use of ellipsis, keep it to three. (...) Secondly, not capitalizing "I". With text messages and chatrooms, this has become commonplace, but as a writer you should be aware of it. The last mistake was another one often made; switching between present tense and past tense, just try your hardest to stick to one tense. This becomes difficult if you are adept at writing in both present and past tense.

Overall:

Not a bad story, a bit longer, and a bit more description and it could be good. Also, with the emergence of Twilight, vampires have become a bit common. So if you're going to write about vampires try and do something to make them different from Stephenie Meyer's ones.

PM me if you have questions!

~ Terps ~