Untitled Prologue :)

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Hello all. Thank you for taking the time to read this. As always, I will return reviews. If you leave one, think of it as a voucher for a review courtesy of me ;) Just ask if you need one, I would prefer if you told me what to look at. Ta :)

Avynn seemed even more alive in its last hours. The storm pulsed around the lone figure hunched over the balcony, lightning illuminating the sky in a momentary flash. Pillars of grey clouds rolled and rumbled across the sky, as thunder roared menacingly overhead. Rain danced in the skies, moving and twisting in the freezing air, beating down on the figure from all directions. Darkness devoured the figure, greedily eating away at his spirit.

The pulse of Avynn beat hard and fast against him, as if trying to resist its inevitable downfall. Avynn's injures from the merciless onslaught were even more conspicuous from the height the man looked from. Broken trees lined the palace like scorched soldiers, convulsed and agonised faces forming in their gnarled bark. Sorrowful houses sank dejectedly into the ground, smashed glass littering the area around them.

Far below, a stronger, more dominant pulse boomed. The beat of a thousand war drums, the roar of countless soldiers, the cut short screams as the last of his guards were cut down like cornstalks.

The storm was coming to an end. And he knew once the wrath of the storm had ended, he would be left with nothing.

A kingdom fallen.

His hands gripped the banister of a balcony, his knuckles threatening to burst through his skin with the force of his grip. Anger pulsed through him, replacing his mind full of hateful thoughts. Not at the opposition, but at himself. He had let everyone down. He let his kingdom fall.

He embraced the lashings of the rain, as it bit down on his skin and soaked his clothes. He closed his eyes, listening to the fast hum of his own heart, suddenly becoming more aware of it. He had never really thought about life before now. He had never felt as hopeless and weak. It made the fury rise up like a merciless tidal wave, crashing down over him and flooding out his thoughts. The anger flowed and channelled itself through him, increasing in intensity, twisting and growing into something more overwhelming.

Strength.

Fight, this new, confident voice yelled in his head over the uproar. Prove yourself. Fight for this kingdom, fight for your people, fight for everyone you care for.

The man raised his head to the dark skies, his ever blue eyes desperately searching for some direction from the Goddess who resided high above. The weight of the pressure on him was immense. "Avia, give me strength," he murmured, looking down again as a new beat joined him.

Cold, sluggish, disjointed. The beat of a black heart.

He strained his ears to catch the foot falls of another. Without turning, he knew immediately who it was. His heart faltered, but then resumed normal pace. The hero felt no fear of the newcomer.

There was a short silence. The man on the balcony opened his mouth several times, to make known his anger, his hurt, his betrayal.

"This is it then," his voice was hard and cold, and he detested how similar it sounded to that of the other man.

"Indeed," the familiar voice replied quietly.

He clenched his jaw, moulding and smoothing out the rage that suddenly rose again. He turned to face his assailant. Only the glow of yellow eyes met him, leering out from the shadows.

"Then let us get it over with."

The other voice chuckled a hissing, snake like noise. "I promise to make it quick."

The hero exhaled slowly, raising a hand as the other man took a rushed step forward, paired with a bloodthirsty hiss.

"I have one thing to ask you first."

"Hurry so I can be done with this!"

The hero paused for a short second. The words he was about to murmur caused a stab of pain in his chest. "Why... why did you kill her?"

"It was necessary. You would fail to understand my motives, for you are blinded by lies."

His fist clenched hard at his sides, a powerful force inside of him threatening to burst through. The fury was back, except this time it was raw. He made no attempt to calm the feelings, only held them back for a moment so he could speak his final words.

"Blinded, yes. But by lies, no. How I could never see the greed and hate in you, I will never know. It will destroy you eventually." He raised his eyes to look straight into the golden ones of the other man, fear devoid in his voice. "But those things will never get the chance to destroy you. I am ending this now."

And with a roar, the creature within him burst into being, transforming into a beautiful yet terrible creature. He became the feathered, slender form of a dragon, a bird like screech bursting from his lungs. His attacker mimicked this action, but was he changed into was more terrible than any creature in Avynn. A thick scaled, bat winged, spined creature reared at him, springing into the air with a snap of his wings and crashing into the hero with a screech.
The hero was sent reeling over the edge of the balcony to the death trap below, his feathery wings beating uselessly against the air as the battle commenced.

This was it. Avynn's last stand had begun.
Last edited by Moo on Fri Jun 26, 2009 7:15 pm, edited 2 times in total.
“Poetry is old, ancient, goes back far. It is among the oldest of living things. So old it is that no man knows how and why the first poems came.”

--Carl Sandburg




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i think its really great, honestly the transformation from man to dragon or creature like, in this case, is unheard of and you pulled it off so smoothly looking for more work keep it up
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to express your self is not weird its natural and, in my opinion, AWESOME!!!!




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Hey Moo ^^ I'll be your reviewer this evening.

Avynn seemed even more alive in its last hours.

I like this beginning. I haven't seen an approach lie this often, but it's still hook-ish. It could be better, but I think it does the job ;)

The storm pulsed around the lone figure hunched over the balcony, lightning lighting up the sky in a momentary flash.

I suggest you find a synonym for "lighting" because it's confusing near "lightning".

Pillars of grey clouds rolled and rumbled across the sky, as thunder roared menacingly overhead. Rain danced in the skies, moving and twisting in the freezing air, beating down on the figure from all directions. Darkness devoured the figure, greedily eating away at his spirit.

Good imagery here ^^ Not too much, but still a nice way to get us into the setting and story.

The pulse of Avynn beat hard and fast against him, as if trying to resist her inevitable downfall.

Avynn is a place, right? Well you should say the pulse of Avynn beat hard against his feet or his chest or his face because it's not a person and you need to be specific what part of Avynn is in contact with him. I'm assuming it's either the storm or the ground.

Her injures from the merciless onslaught even more conspicuous from the height the man looked from. Broken splintered trees lined the palace like scorched soldiers, convulsed and agonised faces forming in their gnarled bark. Sorrowful houses sank dejectedly into the ground, smashed glass littering the blistered ground.

Sometimes personification is a good thing, but in this case, it isn't. You make Avynn seem like a person and it's really confusing the way you personify it. Also, remember to not be too descriptive. Don't stuff as many adjectives as you can into a sentence. Only write what's necessary.

The storm was coming to an end. And he knew once the wrath of the storm had ended, he would be left with nothing.

A kingdom fallen.

I like this part ^^ Good sentence variety.

His hands gripped the banister of a balcony [s]tighter[/s], his knuckles threatening to burst through his skin with the force of his grip.

Remove "tighter". It seems like a repeat since the second part of the sentence takes care of what you wanted.

Anger pulsed through him, polluting his mind of hateful thoughts.

How does anger polllute a mind of hateful thoughts? Isn't anger a hateful thing? Rather than "pollute" you should use something like "absorbed" or "replaced".

He had let everyone down. He let Avynn fall.

You should put "He let his city/empire fall." so Avynn doesn't seem like a person.

This was it. Avynn's last stand had begun.

This is a repeat. You said it earlier, so either take this one out or remove the other one.

Conflict: I'm guessing the conflict is that it's Avynn's last battle? It's cliche, so you need a twist. Why is this kingdom more important than another? What's important about it? Whos' the main character? Is it the king? What's so wrong with this kingdom going down? Who's important in it?

Character Devlopment: There aren't really any characters to work with that seem like the MC?

Setting: Setting was good and the descriptions were good. Just work on not being too descriptive.

Plot: Remember to add a twist to this.

Overall:

Good writing and imagery, but its conflict and plot need some work. You also need a hook ;)

Good Luck & Keep Writing
-Shina
You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself into one.

The writer, when he is also an artist, is someone who admits what others don't dare reveal.




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Thank you guys, that was very helpful :D I already have a plot twist in mind, so you'll see that in later chapters ;) I didn't want to reveal too much about the M.C at this moment in time. All will become clear.

Thanks a bunch :D
“Poetry is old, ancient, goes back far. It is among the oldest of living things. So old it is that no man knows how and why the first poems came.”

--Carl Sandburg




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Hallo Moo!

Here's the feedback on your prologue:

Avynn seemed even more alive in its last hours. The storm pulsed around the lone figure hunched over the balcony, lightning illuminating up the sky in a momentary flash. Pillars of grey clouds rolled and rumbled across the sky, as thunder roared menacingly overhead. Rain danced in the skies, moving and twisting in the freezing air, beating down on the figure from all directions. Darkness devoured the figure, greedily eating away at his spirit.

The pulse of Avynn beat hard and fast against him, as if trying to resist its inevitable downfall. Avynn's injures from the merciless onslaught even more conspicuous from the height the man looked from. Broken trees lined the palace like scorched soldiers, convulsed and agonised faces forming in their gnarled bark. Sorrowful houses sank dejectedly into the ground, smashed glass littering the area around them.


About Avynn, I was confused as to what, or who, Avynn was. At first I thought Avynn was a person, then I thought she was the storm. I didn't quite get what Avynn is... maybe its just me, but I just realized it at the end that it was a country (even then, I was slightly confused).



Fight, this new, confident voice yelled in his head over the uproar. Prove yourself. Fight for this kingdom, fight for your people, fight for everyone you care for.


I also think that the thought part of this sentence should be italicized. Although its not necessarily wrong (I think), I just think that it would be better to understand that way.


.
His attacker mimicked this action, but was he changed into was more terrible than any creature in Avynn.

Just a tiny thing....

Overall, I like flow of the story. And it seems interesting enough that I would read it all the way through and not cheat (by reading the end of the book)... It's just a prologue though, so I can't really get that much from it. And it'd be nice to read more of the story...
"You is talking loco and I like it!"




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Hiya ^^

It totally makes sense now!!! I had picked out a couple things I didn't understand, and then I read the reviews and I found out that Avynn is a PLACE!!! Everything is clear now ^^ I feel better XD There were a couple other things, though...

The storm pulsed around the lone figure hunched over the balcony, lightning illuminating up the sky in a momentary flash.


I like the word 'illuminating', but since you replaced 'lighting' with it, you can get rid of 'up'. Illuminating by itself means the same thing as 'lighting up', so you don't need the 'up'.

Avynn's injures from the merciless onslaught even more conspicuous from the height the man looked from.


Did you mean "...the merciless onslaught were even more..."?

Other than those, I like it a lot!! Yay for mythical creatures and doomed kingdoms!! XD I guess that's not a good thing to be excited about, but it's my favorite genre to read about, so you can expect that I'll read all the chapters and review them all ^^ So yay for that!

I hope something helped :)

~Rayne
Singing: It's more than my forte; it's my fortissimo
---
They say "Guns don't kill people. People kill people."
Well, I think guns help. If you just stand there and yell BANG I don't think you're going to kill too many people...



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