Angalcia: PROLOGUE

the fantasy bit come later on so you will have to wait. i know it isn't very good. i just felt like writing.


The sound of a buzzing alarm intruded on Alexia’s dream. Her eyes opened groggily to show the white paint of her ceiling.

She swung her feet around and stood up, feeling exhausted after last night's nightmare. Her body ached for a shower so she stumbled to her tiny bathroom.

…


Water streamed over her body as she rubbed her favourite soap over herself. Its scent filled the little walk in shower, a delicious mix of apricots and watermelon.

Grabbing a fluffy towel, she walked back to room. Her wardrobe held little delight to her eyes as she looked over her unimpressive collection of clothes.


She wondered what she would wear; it was her first day of the year as a junior. She could hardly walk in wearing rags! Then she spotted, like a miracle, a perfect outfit set out on her bed - clearly a gift from her fashion-loving mother.

Five minutes later Alexia stood in front of her mirror wearing a blue blouse with a white shirt underneath. A black skirt swirled around her thighs.

…


“Have you got everything you need for school today?” Alexia’s mother, Yasmine asked. Alexia rolled her eyes, her mother may care a lot but sometimes was a little annoying. Her mother giggled at the sarcastic gesture, she could be so like her father sometimes.

“Lets go then” Yasmine said standing up. Alexia washed her bowl and grabbed her backpack heading for the door.

Heya! I thought this was really cute and had some great ideas, but it wasn't very attention-grabbing as an opening. Consider, perhaps, elongating it a little and leaving it on a moment of suspense, like (and I don't know where you want to go with this, this is just an idea, an e.g.) "She strolled casually yet nervously down the busy hallway, focused on reaching her locker. However, she did not see a shadow that belonged to nobody move silently behind her." Something like that - it adds a bit of oomph.

Now, some suggestions to your rather cool sentences:

She swung her feet around and stood up feeling exhausted after last night’s nightmare. Her be walked body ached for a shower so she stumbled to her tiny bathroom.

…

OK, first of all you don't need the "..." separating the sections - just a new paragraph between this one and the next bit will be fine. Also I don't know what you meant by "be walked body". Is it a typo?
I think you need a comma here: "She swung her feet around and stood up, feeling exhausted after last night's nightmare." (PS I like the introduction of a nightmare - that feels like it's going to lead somewhere )

It’s scent filled the little walk in shower, a delicious mix of apricots and watermelon.

"It's" doesn't need an apostrophe - I know, I've had so much trouble with this. It just needs to be: "Its"

She could hardly walk in wearing rags. Then like a miracle she spotted a perfect outfit set out on her bed; a gift from her fashion-loving mother.

I think you should have an exclamation mark after "rags", and your use of "miracle" doesn't quite work for me. Maybe try rewording the sentence, like: "Then she spotted, like a miracle, a perfect outfit set out on her bed - clearly a gift from her fashion-loving mother."

A black skirt swirled around her waist.

How short is this skirt?! I think you mean "thighs"

Alexia rolled her eyes, her mother may care a lot but sometimes was a little annoying. Her mother giggled at the sarcastic gesture, she could be so like her father sometimes.

Consider: "Alexia rolled her eyes, thinking that her mother may care a great deal about her, but sometimes she was a little annoying.
Her mother giggled at the sarcastic gesture. Alexia could be so like her father sometimes, she thought."

Anyway, great stuff! I will be keeping my eyes peeled for the next part! ~*X*~

Hey


From this piece I have gathered that the girl in the story is from a poor/not so wealthy background. I think that you should make this more obvious as it will inhance your story more as you progress with it ( i can kinda tell where your going with it next). I also think that it dosen't have a great flow to it. I think that better discriptive words will help.

Here are a few examples of what I would do with this story.

Her eyes opened groggily to show the white paint of her ceiling.

I would rephrase this sentence:

"Her groggy eyes opened, showing the flaking white paint of the ceiling above her."

I think that this adds more depth to the sentence. Also by writing flaking as a descriptive it starts to putthe image of poverty into the readers mind imediately, and you have only reachedthe second sentence

She swung her feet around and stood up feeling exhausted after last night’s nightmare. Her be walked body ached for a shower so she stumbled to her tiny bathroom.

Place a comma after "stood up". I am confused with "be walked" what does that mean? I would replace "so"with "as" and "in" with "into". Tiny gies the image of poverty again.

Water streamed over her body as she rubbed her favourite soap over herself. It’s scent filled the little walk in shower, a delicious mix of apricots and watermelon.

Seeing as I told youto put "as she stumbled" in the previous paragraph I would replace the "as" with a "while" in this line. Drop the apostraphe, leave it as "Its".

Grabbing a fluffy towel, she walked back to room. Her wardrobe held little delight to her eyes as she looked over her unimpressive collection of clothes.

I like this line.

She wondered what she would wear; it was her first day of the year as a junior. She could hardly walk in wearing rags. Then like a miracle she spotted a perfect outfit set out on her bed; a gift from her fashion-loving mother.

I like this line also, is this where the fantasy begins to come into play?

Five minutes later Alexia stood in front of her mirror wearing a blue blouse with a white shirt underneath. A black skirt swirled around her waist.

I'm not too sure about the word swirled?


Other than these minor difficulties it has great potential. I will bekeeping an eye out for the next part.
Well done

Great writing! It makes me curious what fantastical things are about to happen.

And now, jumping straight into the critique:

The sound of a buzzing alarm intruded on Alexia’s dream.

Sorry to say, but this is a big no-no in literature. Your first sentence should shake the reader out of their ordinary world and forcefully drag them into the story. But an alarm clock IS the ordinary world. It's an opening we've all read many times before. Here's my idea: why don't you open with Alexia's dream? I'm sure it would be extremely exciting, AND it would establish the fact that you're writing a fantasy.

Water streamed over her body as she rubbed her favourite soap over herself. It’s scent filled the little walk in shower, a delicious mix of apricots and watermelon

Great concrete detail here.

She wondered what she would wear; it was her first day of the year as a junior.

This can be combined into one sentence, something along the lines of: She wondered what she would wear on her first day as a junior.

Five minutes later Alexia stood in front of her mirror wearing a blue blouse with a white shirt underneath. A black skirt swirled around her waist.

Perhaps more detail about the outfit? So far, it doesn't sound that miraculous--it sounds very plain and schoolgirl-ish. Explain what makes it a fashion miracle (girls really care about that stuff...I think. Most days my mom had to wrestle me into my clothes while I screamed my head off, but that's beside the point.)

You end in an awkward place for a prologue. Again, I think the prologue should be the dream. Then begin chapter one with this passage here. Give it a try. It could make a powerful opening.

One more thing. Your paragraphs are all the same size. There's nothing grammatically wrong with it, but it makes the page layout look tedious. Try combining your shorter paragraphs into longer ones. A good way to do this is to add more detail--what Alexia looks like, what her room looks like, what thoughts are going through her head, and so on.

Overall, great job! I'll be looking out for the next part.