Has is really been a week? It feels as if it has been years. Decades. Centuries.
Every second of this time has been pure agony.
Nightmares tortured me every night since that evening. I tossed and turned every time vivid images forced their way into my brain. His cold eyes as he told me we couldn't be friends any more. The way his expression hardened when I reached for him, begging him not to leave me. His retreating figure as he left me forever, without a backwards glance.
The sound of my heart shattering into a million pieces.
Broken, ragged sobs would wake me from such dreams. His voice would ring in my ears, as if he was really breathing the words into them.
"April. We can't be friends anymore. I can't see you." I shook my head in disbelief, seeing the serenity in his cold grey eyes.
"Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this to me?" I whimpered through the thick tears that spilled over my eyelids. "Don't. Please don't do this. I'll do anything." I reached for him, but he jerked away from me as if my touch was poisonous.
"I can't live like this anymore. I can't live this lie anymore."
I curled into a tighter ball under the bed covers, squishing Mogg into my chest sobbing into his soft fur. Why did he do it? Didn't he care about me at all? Did he never feel that connection we shared, the special understanding between us that no one else could ever comprehend?
No, he didn't, a small voice said in the back of my brain. He didn't care. He didn't love you.
I wanted to fight back to this voice, tell it to shut up and leave me alone. But I knew it was right.
I let darkness envelop me as the painful memories tore holes in my heart.
"Please," I begged him through the tears, reaching for his wrist. I grabbed it and he flinched at my touch. "Tell me why. I have a right to know why!"
His icy stare made me withdraw my hand and recoil it back towards my body.
"You know why."
"No, Chris. No I don't."
I badly wanted to believe that Chris was lying. Joking, even. But his face was so serious... his eyes so cold and certain...
Was it because of that night, driving home from the hospital? Was he doing this for me, or himself?
He said he was leaving on his own terms, but I had trouble believing him.
"It's because I don't want to live like I'm human. Like I'm something I'm not. "
I gaped at him in shock, words failing me. Where had this sudden change of heart came from?
"Don't you see, April? I'm not human. I'm a predator of humans. An hawk and a sparrow can never co-exist without one killing the other."
I managed to find my voice, but it was barely audible as I whispered the words. "Is this about that night that you nearly... nearly lost control? Because if it is we can work things out. Maybe if you were around me more often at night-"
"No! I can't live that life anymore. I don't want to."
"But, you told me you loved me," I choked out my voice, hearing it break twice.
How could he be so selfish? His family, his friends, leaving them all behind for a life of... violence. I had shown him friendship, I had shown him family, I had shown him the good sides of life.
I had given him everything.
He threw away everything we had like it was nothing to him. Like I was nothing to him. I was just... a helpless sparrow. The mighty hawk had spared me this time. But he would not do it anymore.
"A hawk will always strike a sparrow when he sees it. He follows his instinct. It tells him when he needs to hunt, how and when he should strike. It's built into his system. It is something he can't ignore, April."
I suppose I myself, am being selfish. I guess it would be like... starving him. Starving him of his freedom. Of being who he really was. It would be cruel.
But was it so wrong just to want my best friend? Just to be with him, enjoy our only life on this world together?
I watched his face soften as spits of rain clung to his dark hair like diamonds. Droplets rolled down his face like tears, though I know he could shed none.
"I'm sorry it had to end like this."
"It didn't have to end."
The muscles in his jaw contracted tight. "You'll thank me. Maybe not now, but you will," he spoke softly, his voice being drowned out over the crashing rain that now soaked through my clothes.
"I will never thankful of you doing this. But I won't condemn you for it," I whispered, ducking my head. I couldn't look into his distant eyes any more.
The only sound was of the sheeting rain, bouncing off the pavement with tiny spatters.
"Why?" he murmured, and surprisingly I could hear a new emotion in his voice. Was it hurt?
"Because I love you. Don't ever forget that."
This would be the most painful part. The hardest part to think about. The most agonising part to dream about. The throb of my mangled heart increased as I watched it in my head. Time seemed to slow to an agonizing crawl as the image flashed in my head.
Without returning my statement with his own three words, his face hardened, and he said one final word. The word that had such finality, I knew he wouldn't be back.
"Goodbye."
He turned without hesitation. I was setting him free. He would be free from now on.
I saw his pale figure disappear into the trees.
He was gone.
Ragged sobs ripped through my lungs as the nightmare ended. But really this dream extended into reality. He really was gone. He would never come back.
I hoped he was happy. That was the most important thing. If he was happy... it would ease this pain. This madness in my head. The pain in my heart.
He made me so happy for the time he was with me. He also showed me friendship, he had shown me family. He had shown me...love.
I realised that the night Chris left me, he took something else with him.
I saw the image of a beautiful, orange eyed hawk take flight. His feathered wings spread and he lifted into the air. He was free. He had nothing to burden him, nothing to hunger him. He had what he wanted, he had everything he could need.
I watched as he flew away into the distance, taking my heart with him.
--
"April. April. Get up. Mum says it's time for school."
I curled into a tighter ball under the duvet as Andrew prodded me dubiously, wishing he would go away and leave me alone. His deep voice rang in my head like a timpani drum, giving me an instant headache.
"C'mon, you'll miss the bus. April, get up," he poked a little harder this time and I winced as it drove into my eye.
"I'm not going," I mumbled.
"April, GET UP NOW."
"Shout all you want, I'm not going."
I peeked my head out of the duvet and eyed him with as much venom as I could muster. I told him I wasn't feeling up to it and asked him if he could shut the door behind him as he went.
Andrew looked at me with an expression mixed with worry and confusion.
I burried my head under again, but the barrage of pokes started again.
"Andrew, please. Please just leave me be." I was surprised to feel tears sting my eyes and roll down my cheeks. I sniffed hard, and clutched the duvet over my head as Andrew attempted to prize it away.
"April, why are you so depressed?"
I was quiet for a moment, apart from the occasional sniff. Andrew is so caught up in his games and his parties it takes him a week to actually notice that I haven't left the confinement of my room.
I peeked at his curious, muddy brown eyes which stared at me from behind the frames of his glasses.. He scratched the side of his face which made a 'tisk tisk' noise against the light stubble.
"Me and... and..." I couldn't even say his name. I made a weird half choke, half hiccup noise but Andrew seemed to be able to understand. He nodded slowly, eyeing me like an unstable lunatic who was ready to snap at any moment.
"It's you and... your friend, right?" he asked carefully.
I nodded mutely.
"Did you guys have an argument?"
I almost laughed. An argument could hardly cause this much damage.
After I didn't answer, he muttered, "Urgh, and you're supposed to be the more mature one. Sittin' in here crying all day..."
"You don't understand. And you could be more mature, if you weren't out partying all night."
He ignored my partying comment. "You know what? Screw him. Get another friend and show him that you don't need him." He scratched his face again in thought. "You know what? I'll cheer you up. I'll take you somewhere for you to have a bit of fun. It'll be great."
But I do need him, the same voice whispered. I sighed. Maybe it was time I went back to school. Jess really needed me and visiting her at her house for a few minutes every day was just selfish of me. I should really be looking out for her at school and such. I'm her friend and she needs me. Regardless of my troubles with... with him.
I made an unsure noise, and Andrew gave me a little pat on the head. "Don't worry little sis, you'll have a blast. Now c'mon, lets get you ready for school. Mum will be pissed if she comes home from work and you're still here."
I cleared my throat, wiping tears away from my eyes. "Okay, I'll get up."
I felt the pressure being lifted off the matress and heard his footsteps as he headed for the door.
The steps stopped as he paused just outside the door.
"And April... I'm glad to have you back." I peeked out of the duvet suspiciously. A look of chagrin spread across his face. "It sucks when you don't have someone to own at Call of Duty, or someone to have pointless little arguments with." He laughed as I heard him head for the stairs. "This place is too dull without it."
I sighed as I pushed the duvet off of me, kicking them away with my lethargic legs. Today would be a hard day. A whole day full of explaining, crying, sulking and being tortured by the O'Conners ahead of me.
Let the misery begin.
(sorry if that sounds mean it's just I really like this story and hope you keep writing.)
