Redemption Chapter 1

Hi everyone! I decided to make the previous part of Redemption the prologue, so this is Chapter 1. Sorry, if I confused you guys on that :/
Also, considering that I'm a girl, if anyone had any suggestions to make it sound more like a boy is talking go ahead and shoot. I wanted to do something new for a change.

Chapter 1

“I wish I were a whale.” I straightened up my back in pride because I had just made the most ingenious metaphor on the planet.
“Whales can blow all the steam they want and life still goes on just as planned.”
“Oh, I thought you wished to disappear or is that last week’s discussion?” Ms. Amelia said between laughs. How could she be so witty? Though, I wanted praise this time, so I thought up a new metaphor to sweep her off her feet.
“I, on the other hand, am chained to the ground in a prison called humanity. When I blow steam, it’s not water. It’s anger.”
It was a bitter sweet metaphor this time. Great as usual, though I had no idea where the part about anger came in. Even though I was in detention, admitting my frustrations was not my goal. Then again, Ms. Amelia can do amazing things to people.
“Well well! Let’s not get ahead of ourselves shall we? Now, I’m going to start out with a few questions to get the conversation going, ok?”
“Ok.” A few questions. No biggie.
“Where were you just a few minutes ago?” As Ms. Amelia spoke, her smile got bigger and bigger. She gently brushed her frizzy brown hair out of her face. It was mesmerizing.
“In the playroom.” I said.
“Was anyone with you in the playroom?”
“Yeah, the little kids.”
“Why did you hit Jesse?”
The question smacked me so hard; it came out of no where. I was stunned. As a regular in Pender Academy Detention Center, I could tell when the hard core questions were coming up. This was one of them but not at all at the right time.
“I…I don’t know.” I answered cowardly still recovering from the blow.
Ms. Amelia looked at me sternly, another peculiar thing; Ms. Amelia was a smile person not a frown person. Though, her face lit up again as if a light bulb was shining over her head.
“You know, I like that metaphor of yours. Go with that.” She smiled even bigger. I must have been blushing. “Start with “When I blow steam”, ok?”
“Ok.” I paused to think. Something told me to tell all. I usually did at the end of our detention sessions but this time was different. Something—someone was telling me to tell Ms. Amelia everything. Starting with the metaphor.
“When I blow steam, it doesn’t land right back in the safe never ending ocean. It lands on someone’s eye or jaw or stomach or leg or an unmentionable part of the male anatomy.”
She looked up at me as I spoke. She must have been amazed to get so much out of me in one try. Anyone would. So, I kept on going. Starting with the beginning.
“Well, as usual after lunch, I go somewhere to be by myself. But, when I passed the playroom in the hallway, I heard Jesse talking to the little kids.”
“And what was he talking about?” Ms. Amelia exhaled deeply. She already knew what I was going to say. That was easy. The reason Ms. Amelia asked to see me was to tell me something that I had been dying to hear for years.
“He was talking about me. He was talking about who I was” I said then breathed in for the next part.
“And who I am.”
It had happened before. Butter this. Butter that. The older guy. The freak with no real name. Me.
“WHO AM I?” I screamed at Ms. Amelia. “And what really is Pender Academy?”
I knew she knew something. She’s been here at Pender for as long as I can remember. Why was I older than all the other kids at Pender? Why was I called, Butter? Who were my parents? I felt the same feeling as when I beat up Jesse; I was releasing my anger. It landed on Ms. Amelia this time.

But, she reacted in a totally different way than what I expected. Ms. Amelia dropped down to the floor off her chair. Her eyes became pools of darkness and water started to crawl out of them and onto her cheeks.
“I’m so sorry, Butter. I truly am. I…I was just a girl when it happened but I feel your pain. I can help you.”
She covered her face in her hands and wept. Right there in front of me. But then, she slowly backed out of her crying state and looked back up.
“Fourteen years ago, I found you in a butter churn.”

Excuse me for being a lazy bum but I'm a horrible name thinker upper so all the "Earthly" words (ie playroom, light bulb, lunch) will be changed to make it sound more "fantastical"when I get the time to do so. Which may be never....but you get the idea. Further into the story (maybe next Chapter or the 4th one) you will see the why its fantasy...

If it's the first chapter, maybe you should include a little more information. Don't just make it some conversation, but drag the reader right into the story. The first chapter (not the prologue, just my opinion) is the most crucial part of the entire story. Other than this, a fantastic character display, a fantastic description, though brief as I explained, and a good start to the novel. KEEP IT UP!!!!!!

thefireinmeisJC wrote:Excuse me for being a lazy bum but I'm a horrible name thinker upper so all the "Earthly" words (ie playroom, light bulb, lunch) will be changed to make it sound more "fantastical"when I get the time to do so. Which may be never....but you get the idea. Further into the story (maybe next Chapter or the 4th one) you will see the why its fantasy...

Hello again, JC! =D

Dialogue

Just like in the prologue, we have a few dialogue errors that are easy to fix. Snoink (A Moderator of YWS) wrote an article in the Knowledge Base some time ago entitled Dialogue Grammar. Though it doesn't explain the paragraphing, it explains the proper grammar used widely among writers. ^_^ It's a quick read, so I recommend you take a peak at it. You will probably lol because of how short and sweet it is. xD But it shares a lot of truth! So take heed. ^^

The paragraphing is simple to follow though too. A common saying: New speaker, new paragraph. Here's an example:

"Daddy?" the little girl asked, tugging on her father's pant leg. The grown man grunted in response, still buried in his newspaper. "Can I have ice cream?"

"Go ask your mother."

"Okay," she said and skipped off to the living room. Her mother sat on the sofa, knitting a brown sweater. The girl hopped in front of the woman and asked, "Mommy, can I have ice cream?"

"No, Melanie, it's almost bedtime."

"Aww..." the girl said with a grown. She slumped out of the room until she arrived back in the office. She sprinted to him with glee etched in her face and tugged on his pant leg. Daddy grunted again. "Mommy said yes! Can you get me some, please?"

As you read this, were you able to follow who said what? ^^ Melanie's dialogue was kept in the same paragraph. They weren't separated into separate lines, and I didn't even have to give the parents tags at the end of their quotes! It was already assumed who was talking then. =D Funny how dialogue works, eh? ^_~ Try to go back and fix some of your dialogue formatting.

And! I almost forgot this. When we're quoting in dialogue, we always use a different set of quotation marks. We have these: "..." and these: '...' We're using the "..." in this story, so if someone says a quote within the dialogue, use the '...' Example:

"I'm not so sure, Brandon," Kathy said hesitantly, watching the stray cat's begging eyes. "It could have diseases or something."

"It's a cat, Kathy," he replied with exasperation. He knelt and held out his hands for the cat. "It needs a home or at least be taken in."

"But Mom warned us, remember? She said, 'If you find any animals out there, don't you dare take them home.' She's sick of animals running around the house. We can't take this cat home!"

"Watch me," Brandon said firmly, picking up the black kitten.

The bolded part shows my use of the quotes inside the dialogue. You see the difference? ^_^ Some authors use vice-versa, so it all depends on the writer's style. However, seeing as you write dialogue in this similar format, feel free to take a peek at this when editing. ^_~

As a side note, "ok" is kind of considered chatspeak in a way? So try to avoid typing it like that in stories. Use either "OK" or "okay." I particularly like the second one. ^_^ But "ok" is icky. xD Try to avoid that monster. ^^

Butter, Butter, Toil and Trutter

Mkay. We meet Butter, the baby, in this chapter. I wasn't sure of his character though. His personality changes slightly a few times, and the only thing I actually know is that he goes to detention often. (How you said he goes to detention a lot was pretty good. ^^) I'll talk about the male part later. First, we need to check his general character.

Actually, I can't really touch on the male part of your MC until I know what age he is. I'm thinking he's going to be a little old, but by the sound of his thoughts and words, I pictured him as a little kid. Maybe eight or nine. Assuming you want more of a teenager, I'll give you a few pointers. But still, we need to know what kind of person he is.

Males are not just generalized. There are nerds and there are gangsters and there are jocks, goths, kings, princes, knights, etc. Are they shy or outgoing? Do they like outdoors or indoors? Are they adventurous or no? What do they like? Dislike? What influences them? Answer lots of questions and make an entire history for Butter. We need to know him. Know him. But we can't know him if you don't know him. And if you know him, you'll be able to write about him. Try making a character chart for many characters -- even minor characters if needed. ^_^ They help a lot!

I'm going to assume I know a little bit about Butter. He seems to be pretty daring considering he messes with the teacher and goes to detention a lot. Give him habits like spitballs or vandalism (destroying property like etching into desks, etc.). Maybe he recline and put his feet on the desk, showing how much he doesn't care. Try to pick another character or person you know and mimic Butter from them. If we wanted Butter to be like...Barney the purple dinosaur. ^^ He would be singing happy songs, be helpful to kids around him and younger, sing happy songs, play games, sing happy songs, and have fun... Maybe even sing happy songs. I don't think we want a Barney-Butter. xD But you get the idea maybe? ^_^

I can't really go on until I know Butter a bit more, so. ^^ PM me if you have questions about this (which you're bound to because of my poor explaining xD). I'm willing to help. =D

Amelia Bedelia

I loved those books... xD

Anyway! Ms. Amelia is the teacher, yes? She's in charge of Pender Academy. You did pretty well with her at first. I was quite impressed. ^_^ She was exercising her authority over Butter with questions and cute remarks to show Butter who's boss. We could definitely do better, of course, but we're off to a grand start!

Ms. Amelia, I think, is witty. I think you want her to be witty 'cause some of her dialogue hints at that, but her remarks aren't always great comebacks. xD I think what will help is eavesdropping others' conversations. This helps a lot with dialogue. Listen to kids at school who get into trouble and hear their snide remarks and sarcasm. This will help a lot. Even going in the chatroom when it's open. It'll help. A lot. xD

At the end, Amelia started crying so abruptly and randomly, it made me want to cry. xD Don't do this! Amelia's a grown woman, and Butter shouldn't have control over her. In fact, as far as the reader knows, Amelia is the teacher and treats Butter like a normal child. Make their relationship clearer. Spend time before we jump into questions and answers. Even if Q/A comes in chapter five, so be it. We need to know their relationship before we feel any emotion toward one or the other. ^_^

Hogwarts School For Witchcraft And Wizardry

I don't know what Pender Academy is. I assume it's a boarding school, but I can't be sure? We need to clear up what the place is and does. We need to know what it looks like too.

And the students/staff. What are the people like? It would be wicked cool if we started with Jesse mocking Butter rather than the detention room. Not only would we know Jessie and Butter better, but we get questions about Butter (because of the mocking material) and we get introduced on so many levels. So I suggest starting at that scene. ^_^ Have Butter be minding his own business but hear Jesse talking about him. He starts eavesdropping, gets angry, beats the pulp outta him, and Ms. Amelia comes by and drags Butter away. =D You can use that if you wish. ^_^

Gotta Make 'Em Happy!

Actually, no, don't make 'em happy. XD

I've noticed that you've posted this entry quite close to the last one. Try to leave a few days in between. Give it time to just sit there and have people find it. You'll get more critiques this way. Prologues/Chapter 1's are more commonly critiqued than say chapter 8's, so really, we want to leave more time between the early chapters for a chance of getting more reviewers. Understand kind of? xD

Plus, don't rush the story to just put it on the site. I'm scared that you're doing that? >< Take the time to write and edit. If the prologue is left forgotten, so be it. Keep promoting it while you're writing the next chapter or something. But don't rush your writing just to make YWS happy, mkay? ^^ Just write your best, edit, and if it's as good as you can get it, then post it and see what the people think. ^_^

So, overall, this could use work, but it's an awesome start to an awesome story! =D I look forward to more. ^_^

If you have questions, PM me!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Here I am. Now, a review.

“I wish I were a whale.” I straightened up my back in pride because I had just made the most ingenious metaphor on the planet.
“Whales can blow all the steam they want and life still goes on just as planned.”

It's the same person talking, yes? Put everything one person is saying in the same paragraph.

Though, I wanted praise this time, so I thought up a new metaphor to sweep her off her feet.
“I, on the other hand, am chained to the ground in a prison called humanity. When I blow steam, it’s not water. It’s anger.”

What? I had to read this three times before getting it. Smooth it out.

“Was anyone with you in the playroom?”
“Yeah, the little kids.”
“Why did you hit Jesse?”

Talking heads. Add some tags here.

This was one of them but not at all at the right time.

Again, what? It feels like your saying that he's not expecting the questions, but other then that it's about as clear as mud.

Something—someone was telling me to tell Ms. Amelia everything.

"Telling me to tell" is the same root word too close to each other. Rework.

Anyone would. So, I kept on going. Starting with the beginning.

Why, pray tell, would a normal closed-book suddenly open up like this? Please put that in the prose.

The reason Ms. Amelia asked to see me was to tell me something that I had been dying to hear for years.

Another sentence about as clear as mud. I can't wrangle any meaning out of this.

It landed on Ms. Amelia this time.

Did he punch her or something?

But then, she slowly backed out of her crying state and looked back up.

I wouldn't describe somebody stopping to cry as "backed out of her crying state."

Overall- It really feels like you're trying way too hard for this to be fantasy. Read the fantasy around here or in print, the terms they use are pretty normal and common. Fantasy does not require any sort of word replacement like you're thinking of. All that's usually done is you use slightly older terms for some objects, if the world is set before the 1800s. Since this seems to be in the 1900s, I wouldn't worry.

This could be majorly expanded. What is Pender Academy normally? What's the atmosphere? What's his attitude normally (since it seems his personality does a 180 in this scene)?

Something you do a lot in your writing is have that little "something" that triggers a huge character change. Really, that's a good starter trigger or good for something small (like that last little bit of info that by then the reader has guessed but you still want to put it in so the book characters to know it), but you need something more to get a change out of it. Characters usually need a lot of motivation to change drasticly, since people in real life often need a lot of motivation to do something.

There is a group on here called Gender Benders for people who have their MCs as the oposite gender.

So, the plot has me curious again. I am wondering how things will turn out next. And don't worry about magic not being center-stage. That happens sometimes.

Hope I helped!

“Fourteen years ago, I found you in a butter churn.”

Wow! I think this is interesting.
The fantasy part could use a little more fantasy in this chapter, if you want more fantasy in other chapters. It sound so very interesting, I should keep reading your stories!!!

I think Jabber covered most of it. You can't always expect a reader to read a prologue before jumping into the text proper - I know at least one person who refuses to read prologues until he's finished reading the book (wierd, I know). I didn't read the prologue for this, and I was mightily confused. You need to put in a lot more about the setting and the characters for this to really draw me in - Butter's voice could use more development, and as Jabber said, Amelia's crying at the end was very... out of character, I guess would be the way to put it - she seemed very bipolar throughout the piece, going from witty to stern to bawling within a few paragraphs.

Plotwise, I'm very curious as to what's going on here - who butter really is and all. Great job there - just, I need more information to really settle down into this story and get comfortable. You know?

~Annie

Hey, The Fire in Me! My critique is in bold.

Chapter 1

“I wish I were a whale.” I straightened up my back in pride because I had just made the most ingenious metaphor on the planet. This isn't a metaphor. I metaphor compares something to something else. If your character said "I am like a whale"- THAT would be a simile. I'm pretty sure "I am a whale" would be a metaphor. "I wish I were a whale" is simply a statement.
“Whales can blow all the steam they want and life still goes on just as planned.” I still don't think it's a metaphor. It's not really that funny either. Sorry, it's really late here and this review might not be too accurate...

“Oh, I thought you wished to disappear or is that last week’s discussion?” Ms. Amelia said between laughs. How could she be so witty? Though, I wanted praise this time, so I thought up a new metaphor to sweep her off her feet.

“I, on the other hand, am chained to the ground in a prison called humanity. When I blow steam, it’s not water. It’s anger.”

It was a bitter sweet metaphor this time. Great as usual, though I had no idea where the part about anger came in. Even though I was in detention, admitting my frustrations was not my goal. Then again, Ms. Amelia can do amazing things to people.
Maybe your character knows the amazing things Ms Amelia does, but the reader doesn't! Explain.
“Well well! Let’s not get ahead of ourselves shall we? Now, I’m going to start out with a few questions to get the conversation going, ok?”

“Ok.” Spell out okay.A few questions. No biggie.

“Where were you just a few minutes ago?” As Ms. Amelia spoke, her smile got bigger and bigger. She gently brushed her frizzy brown hair out of her face. It was mesmerizing.

“In the playroom.” I said.

“Was anyone with you in the playroom?”

“Yeah, the little kids.”

“Why did you hit Jesse?”

The question smacked me so hard; it came out of no where. I was stunned. As a regular in Pender Academy Detention Center, I could tell when the hard core questions were coming up. This was one of them but not at all at the right time. If your character did hit Jesse, she/he should not be surprised that the question was asked.

“I…I don’t know.” I answered cowardly/comma[b] still recovering from the blow.

Ms. Amelia looked at me sternly, another peculiar thing; Ms. Amelia was a smile person not a frown person. Though, her face lit up again as if a light bulb was shining over her head.

“You know, I like that metaphor of yours. Go with that.” She smiled even bigger. I must have been blushing. “Start with “When I blow steam”, ok?” [b] Spell out okay[b]

“Ok.”[b] Your characters sure do say okay a lot... I paused to think. Something told me to tell all. I usually did at the end of our detention sessions but this time was different. Something—someone was telling me to tell Ms. Amelia everything. Starting with the metaphor.

“When I blow steam, it doesn’t land right back in the safe never ending ocean. It lands on someone’s eye or jaw or stomach or leg or an unmentionable part of the male anatomy.” Okay, now the metaphor is working. Sorry.

She looked up at me as I spoke. She must have been amazed to get so much out of me in one try. Anyone would. So, I kept on going. Starting with the beginning.

“Well, as usual after lunch, I go somewhere to be by myself. But, when I passed the playroom in the hallway, I heard Jesse talking to the little kids.”

“And what was he talking about?” Ms. Amelia exhaled deeply. She already knew what I was going to say. That was easy. The reason Ms. Amelia asked to see me was to tell me something that I had been dying to hear for years.

“He was talking about me. He was talking about who I wasDon't forget the period” I said then breathed in for the next part.

“And who I am.” This should be part of the the previous paragraph.

It had happened before. Butter this. Butter that. The older guy. The freak with no real name. Me.

“WHO AM I?” All caps is annoying. He can scream without caps lock. ^_^ screamed at Ms. Amelia. “And what really is Pender Academy?”

I knew she knew something. She’s been here at Pender for as long as I can remember. Why was I older than all the other kids at Pender? Why was I called,no comma Butter? Who were my parents? I felt the same feeling as when I beat up Jesse; I was releasing my anger. It landed on Ms. Amelia this time.


But, she reacted in a totally different way than what I expected. Ms. Amelia dropped down to the floor off her chair. Her eyes became pools of darkness and water started to crawl out of them and onto her cheeks.

“I’m so sorry, Butter. I truly am. I…I was just a girl when it happened but I feel your pain. I can help you.”

She covered her face in her hands and wept. Right there in front of me. But then, she slowly backed out of her crying state and looked back up.

“Fourteen years ago, I found you in a butter churn.”
Um, you can fit in a butter churn?

This was good. I'm interested in reading more. I thought it would be more sinister at the beginning, but when Ms Amelia started crying I became confused. Before you painted Ms Amelia as one of those fake/freakishly nice evil principals like Professor Umbridge in Harry Potter. Then all of a sudden she breaks down?

This has promise. It would be greatly improved if you added more description.

Sorry about the sucky review.

Tiredness+late at night+me=not so good.

-Sakura