Forbidden - Ch. 1

This is my newest story that I have started, and it is kind of rough, so harsh reviews are welcome I also haven't written Fantasy Fiction in a while, so I'll probably need help with that as well.

**And just so you know, the creature in this is not a vampire and there will be no vampires in this, just so you don't assume that

Hopefully you enjoy this!

Happy Reading!

_______________________________

ONE

Darkness crept in from either side of her. She could feel it; it’s fingers snagging on her cloak and sending icy waves down her spine. But she fought the unraveling shrouds of gloom, and pressed forward. The hilt of her sword pierced her hip as she swung her right leg up the rocky wall, limbs flailing as they searched for a handhold.
The gravelly incline she tried to climb shifted and moved with each boulder she loosened and set free, its solid form knocking noisily underneath her with each bounce it made in its descent to the earth. She could barely distinguish the treetops below from the other shapes around her, their pine scents drifting up to her even in her extreme height. Already her chest was constricting with each step she took, the atmosphere thin, the pressure vigorous, crushing her lungs inside of her. Her breath came out in minute wheezes, and she paused to wipe the sweat from her upper brow and lower lip.
It still was hard to fathom why she did what she did. Right now, she was nearly three stories in the air, dangling precariously on a mountainside with little more than a rope that was fraying on the end and the sword at her hip. One false move and she would tumble to her death.
Yet, these thoughts were at the very back of her head. Something stronger was driving her. Something that flushed all fear from her and, instead, filled her with the need to succeed. It was like a nagging voice in the back of her head, ordering her to keep going.
She normally would succumb to this extremely annoying voice and end up in a predicament similar to this. Sighing at her stupidity, she reached up and let her hands curl around another protruding rock. Testing her weight on it by tugging, she swung another leg up and scaled another foot up the rock face.
She had no means to see, and all her movements were based on touch only. For most people, the mere fact that visibility was nil would persuade them to return back to the safety of the ground. But for Kayleen, she shrugged and kept climbing.
Another five feet up, she heard what she was up there for: a swishing sound, like a cloak being dragged across the floor. Kayleen quickly closed the gap between the cave mouth and her position and edged slowly over into the small alcove. The black of night penetrated her eyes, making everything look similar in some way. But with a quick snap of her fingers, a small flame flickered in her pinched index finger and thumb. Using this, Kayleen was able to regain her footing and get to her feet safely without tripping over any loose rocks.
The cave mouth was larger than she had hoped, meaning that it was going to be more difficult to pinpoint where her adversary resided inside. Again, she heard the swishing sound, but fainter than before, indicating that it was on the move.
Taking a step forward, Kayleen entered the cave. She instantly detected the damp musty odor of the creature within. It nearly made her gag, but she held back the urge and pressed forward. Once she was a few feet within the cave, Kayleen pressed her fingers together and extinguished the light, plunging herself back into complete darkness.
She used the wall as her guided, making slow steady steps through the cave, all the while keeping her senses alert for whenever the creature decided to make it’s move. It was odd that this one had run from her. Usually, they would stand and fight, being the cocky suckers that they were. But this one, with one look from her, fled up the mountain and Kayleen was forced to follow.
The musty odor was getting stronger the further she went, along with another scent that made her pause. It wasn’t very strong just yet, but with a few more steps, she was able to detect what it was.
Blood.
Salty but not fresh, Kayleen now knew why the creature had run.
It was returning to its kill before another creature stumbled upon it and stole it.
That’s when she heard the soft slurping of the animal as it fed. Not able to hold back the soft groan of disgust, she crouched down until her knees pressed into the packed dirt below her. Pulling her sword from her belt, Kayleen crawled forward, straining her eyes to get a glimpse of whatever laid ahead.
That’s when she saw a darker form crouched ahead, its back to her. Its silvery-white hair gave it away, and she shifted her position, getting ready to attack.
It was still feeding, she could tell, by the continuation of the soft lapping noise. Resuming to crawl forward, Kayleen was only yards away when silence descended upon the cave. Freezing, she waited it out, knowing the creature was listening for her.
When it bent its head to feed again, Kayleen knew this was her chance. Standing, she bent her knees, raising her sword. She had to be quick. One swing; that was all she would get. One chance, but she had to be fast.
Taking a step towards it, she whispered a good bye, hoping the creature enjoyed its last meal. But then, her adversary spun, rising up to it’s full seven feet height. Stumbling backwards, the only thing Kayleen was able to see was it’s luminous eyes, ice blue in color. Its hair was pure white, seeming to glow as well. She could smell the blood on it, the strong stench overpowering her, but she forced herself to breathe through her mouth.
Taking another step, she took aim.
But she miscalculated.
Kayleen’s foot made contact with a boulder and she tripped, slipping backwards and falling onto the dirt floor. The creature smiled, white teeth flashing in the darkness.
“Oh, Kayleen, you are a comical creature.” Its voice was raspy and stung her eardrums. But she barely noticed, for the shock of it knowing her name drowned out everything else.
Kayleen unable to speak, the creature, in one graceful lope, crouched down before her. “Did you think I as going to let you kill me? Ah, you are smarter than this.” It was taunting her, she knew, but she was too frozen by fear to react.
Inching closer until its luminous eyes hung only inches away, it paused. “I have waited a long time to meet you, Kayleen, but I do think I should be alive for this meeting. So, I’m sorry, my dear, for this.” Then, with one final breath, the creature’s eyes changed into an alien shade of pure white. With its powerful gaze, Kayleen was sucked under, losing control of her consciousness. Sinking into the surrounding blackness, only one thing occupied her thoughts.
For the first time in her fairly short life, she did not succeed.

Well, I quite liked this. Does she survive? Sorry, just wondering.

it’s fingers snagging on her cloak

'it's' should be 'its', because 'it' is the only word in the English language that doesn't use an apostrophe for the possessive. I'd also put a 'were' in that sentence to make it a full sentence, but if you don't want to you can leave it out stylistically.

She normally would succumb to this extremely annoying voice and end up in a predicament similar to this.

This makes more sense written as 'She normally succumbed to this extremely annoying voice and ended up in a predicament similar to this.' Though I think 'often' sounds better than 'normally'.

The story as a whole has promise.

Greetings Ashleylee.

Darkness crept in from either side of her. She could feel it; it’s fingers snagging on her cloak and sending icy waves down her spine.

This is cliche. It is common for darkness to be personified as being a slow, creeping, crawling entity.

But she fought the unraveling shrouds of gloom, and pressed forward.

Why not be more specific and show to us as to how that's achieved?

The gravelly incline she tried to climb shifted and moved with each boulder she loosened and set free, its solid form knocking noisily underneath her with each bounce it made in its descent to the earth.

Consider simplifying this. There are quite a bit of unnecessary words here that is hindering the clarity of this sentence.

It still was hard to fathom why she did what she did. Right now, she was nearly three stories in the air, dangling precariously on a mountainside with little more than a rope that was fraying on the end and the sword at her hip.

Yea, I'm still trying to fathom as to why she would do this as well.

One false move and she would tumble to her death.

Obviously. Cut it out.

Yet, these thoughts were at the very back of her head.

This is also obvious is it not?

It was like a nagging voice in the back of her head, ordering her to keep going.

This is problematic for a number of reasons. Firstly, it is also cliche. Seriously, how many times have a person's conscience and/or motivations have been presented as a voice? This would had been better off used if there is more focus on this voice. But since there isn't, this cliche is not needed. Secondly, it's also quite an abstract idea. When a person is in danger, is it this "voice" that pushes them forward or their motivations? Just saying that this "voice" influenced her to keep climbing doesn't explain as to why she would keep going for it.

For most people, the mere fact that visibility was nil would persuade them to return back to the safety of the ground.

We are talking about a fog here right? So why not show it?

Overall impressions:

This is OK, but it's blandly written. It reads more like a play by play of what happens rather than a novel.

Your premise doesn't have much to it. It's just some chick climbing up a rock face to get to some cave just to fight a monster. So what? Why does she want to climb the rock face to kill this monster? What are her motivations? And what's the point of killing this monster anyways? Because you do not show these finer details, the piece on the whole feels rather hollow and hence it will repulse more experienced readers. You want to have their attention starting from chapter 1, but sadly, this doesn't do that.

Your descriptions aren't that good as they only show what the main character's doing. Furthermore, it doesn't really characterize her in any sense. It's just "She did this", or "she did that". There doesn't seem an actual purpose for showing these actions other than to move her from point A to B.

I highly recommend that you should use descriptions more for developing mood. Consider the five senses: Smell, taste, sight, hearing and touch. As we rely on these five senses to get a better understanding of the world around us, you should be including those in your piece to invoke more of a mood for the audience.

Also, please do not use cliches in your writing. They only detract from the story overall since they bring nothing new to the table.

With regards to your main character, I got the sense that she's strong and individualistic, but you need to show more variety in your examples to really convince us of that. Having her only just rock climbing doesn't mean much. Why not, for example, show her starting a fire or hunting for food?

Good luck.

Andy.