Revised Doki Doki Moon- prologue

HURRAY! This is the prologue, and it is going to be so cool when I finish drawing it out in my manga.

I hope you like it ^_^


Doki Doki Moon

Maki-Chan


Prologue


Steel. Ripping, tearing, slicing. Spreading apart everything insight. Massacring the enemy. None of them stood a chance against him. He stood alone against the endless wave of enemies. All of metal, wires and oil; while he was of flesh and bone, a lone warrior, against millions of heartless, emotionless drones- an army of clones. They were all enclosed in a room- a room that could be mistaken for having a wide-open sky and endless land; however it was a prison.

The boy stood surrounded by the limitless opponents, but he was calm. Covered by a long black cloak, only a small portion of his hooded face showed a grin. Then from the sleeve of his left arm, a small shining blade peeked out. Dashing towards an enemy in front of him. Swinging his sword vertically at it, slicing him in half. Warm, black blood splattered onto the boy’s cheek. He wiped it off with his sleeve. He looked back at the enemy he had torn apart. His body was sparking and bleeding oil. “So much for being the same.” The boy’s voice was calm, and bitter.

Four more of the warriors ran towards him. taking a stance, he held his sword in his hand behind his back. Once the fighters were close enough, the boy leaped towards one, and kicked his foot, removing one of the four fighter’s head clean off. After that with the sword still behind his back, he moved his arm back in front of him. With that clean motion, he sliced another fighter’s upper part of his skull off. Showing nothing but wires and lights.

The boy landed in the crowd of enemies, and looked around. The fighters swung at him; however the boy easily avoided their blows. “There you are.” He muttered.

An opponent jumped at him, but the boy pushed his sword horizontally though his steel body, killing him. Rushing towards his target. He reached a tall building, so he quickly jumped onto a fire escape leading to the roof, so he climbed it. There a girl was standing alone. “Ami-sama, there you are.” He said in relief.
As he walked towards her, reaching his hand out to her. The long black haired
Child closed her eyes. “Forgive me.” She lipped.

His stomach began to make an unnatural ripping sound. Making him freeze; unfortunately there was nothing he could do. Something invisible was pulling him apart. He watched as his blood poured out before him, exposing his intestines. While his upper part of his body fell towards the ground, the hood covering his face blew off. It revealed stunning green eyes, shaggy brown hair, tanish skin, and long pointed ears. A loud thump shook the roof. He felt the cold concrete. Then he was silenced.

I agree, this will be very cool when you draw it all out. =)

I think you use the words "the boy" a little bit too much. So either you give us the name or come up with some alternate words.

His stomach began to make an unnatural ripping sound. Making him freeze; unfortunately there was nothing he could do. Something invisible was pulling him apart. He watched as his blood poured out before him, exposing his intestines. He felt the cold concrete. Then he was silenced.

Yuck, that's nasty. =)

Other than that, this was a very interesting prologue.

PM me when you post more.

Nariel

ok I will find more words then "the boy"

Yuck, that's nasty. =)

Other than that, this was a very interesting prologue.

PM me when you post more.

Thanks ^_^ its going to be so much fun to draw.

Hi! Nice job!

Quote: emotionless drones- an army of clones

The unintentional rhyming seems to throw off the mood that you are trying to set for me. Try using a different word.

Quote: only a small portion of his hooded face SHOWED to REVEAL a grin

Showed to reveal a grin is not proper grammar. You should say showed a grin, or revealed a grin

Quote: He reached a tall building, so he quickly jumped onto the ceiling

He's able to leap several stories into the air? If so you should either explain this at least partially, or make note of what he is experiencing as he soars through the air. A lack of description is a recurring element in this story.

This was overall a pretty good beginning. It's a bit short but that's fine. You seem to start a lot of sentences with 'he' or 'the boy' you should look for a few different things to call your character to avoid redundancy.
Good job and keep writing, remember that I'm not a very good reviewer and these are juse suggestions.

thanks! I'll fix the mistakes and add stuff in ^_^ I hope that I can get the prologue done by the end of November, but I can't predict what will happen with school- lame homework stuff >_<

ITS BEEN FIXED ^_^ Is it better?

Hey there Maki-Chan i agree about the drawings by the way, here's the grammar and punctuation
.

Four more of the warriors ran towards him. taking a stance, he held his sword in his hand behind his back. Once the fighters were close enough, the boy leaped towards one, and kicked his foot, removing (Removing does not fit here, try something better) one of the four fighter’s head clean off. After that with the sword still behind his back, he moved his arm back in front of him. With that clean motion, he sliced off [s]another[/s] the upper part of the skull of another fighter[s]’s[/s] [s]upper part of his skull off[/s]. Showing nothing but wires and lights.

An opponent jumped at him, but the boy pushed his sword horizontally though [s]his[/s]the opponents (More clear this way) steel body, killing him. Rushing towards his target. He reached a tall building, [s]so[/s] He quickly jumped onto a fire escape leading to the roof, so he climbed it.

As he walked towards her, reaching his hand out to her. The long black haired c[s]C[/s]hild closed her eyes. “Forgive me.” She lipped.

One thing i noticed is that the prologue is a small bit short. Lengthen it by five to fifteen words and your done.

Now for my comments.

Wow that was the best Prologue I've read in days. Great work, I'm expecting the rest of the story, if you've decided to write it. I hope you have.

PM me when you post the rest

Hey there Maki-Chan.

Steel. Ripping, tearing, slicing. Spreading apart everything insight. Massacring the enemy.

Two things. 1) Spreading apart? Your first three words suggest that a massacre is happening so what does it have to do with "spreading"? 2) You do not need the bit "massacring the enemy" as will just be repeating yourself.

All of metal, wires and oil; while he was of flesh and bone, a lone warrior, against millions of heartless, emotionless drones- an army of clones.

Are drones/robots really heartless and emotionless? Take the Terminator from Terminator 2 as an example. He actually demonstrates a lot of qualities that humans have. He was even willing to sacrifice his own life to protect his friends. Do not generalize when writing. If you are saying that they are heartless and emotionless, then you need to justify as to why you think that.

The boy stood surrounded by the limitless opponents, but he was calm.

Nix "limitless". You've already established that there are many of them at the start so why repeat yourself? And why was he calm? If I was a kid confronting an army of machines ready to kill me, I would be scared stiff, let alone even fight them in the first place.

Dashing towards an enemy in front of him. Swinging his sword vertically at it, slicing him in half.

Auk, clumsily structured. Firstly, is it not obvious that the drone is in front of your character? Secondly, your sentences here are grammatically incorrect. There are no dependant clauses in either of them to complete the sentence.

Warm, black blood splattered onto the boy’s cheek.

Kind of obvious no?

“So much for being the same.” The boy’s voice was calm, and bitter.

What's wrong with being the same?

taking a stance, he held his sword in his hand behind his back.

Capitalize the "t" since it's the start of a new sentence.

Rushing towards his target.

Again, where is the dependant clause here?

Overall impressions:

"Face/Palm"

I'm assuming that you are an anime fan correct? Seriously, I'm sorry to say it, but your main character is a mary-sue (even though I hate this term myself). He is unrealistic. What sort of kid would in their right minds face off an army of drones without fear or hesitation? It's total nonsense (unless you're Chuck Norris). He is not even a character, he's just a stereotype of a loner/ bad ass, designed to cater for the fantasies of pre-teens and children of the idea that heroes are supposed to be cool, edgy, flawless and self centered. In reality, this is not true. If you had at least given at the very least the reason as to why he is not afraid, I wouldn't had been so harsh on you.

God forgive me, but I need to give you this even though I detest the test myself (it also defines as to what a mary-sue is if you don't know the meaning of the term): http://www.springhole.net/quizzes/marysue.htm

Right now, your character is highly unrealistic which therefore makes it difficult for the audience to be able to relate to him.

If you are writing this only to show to us as to what you are going to draw for your manga, then that is alright. If this was to be for a novel however, then it will not work.

I would also like to point out the fact that nothing really much happened in this chapter. It was just a play by play of a fight. Why would I need someone to help me picture a fight when I can play "Devil May Cry 4" all day on my PS3? Add more plot points to this (eg: Why did this battle took place? Who are the drones? Who is the main character? etc etc).

Good luck

Andy.

You see Shippo is a completely different person. Later on you'll discover why he did what he did in the prologue. You see he is really a quiet, easily embarrassed somewhat of a couard.