Clover's Curse - Chapter Four

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3
Reviews 198
Thanks to Livinginfantasy and zankoku_na_tenshi for editing tips, wonderful critiques, and loyally continuing to read my story.

Inspirational Songs: Changes by Butterfly Boucher and Cold as Ice by Foreigner

Chapter Four - Horses, Hamsters and Chicks

No one saw us sneak out of town. Dewey led us through the alleyways and stuck to the shadows. He’d round a corner, stop, peek around the bend to make sure no one was watching, and then start running again. For a small guy, he was amazingly fast, so I had to run to keep up with him. We jumped the brick wall that surrounded the city to keep danger out; Dewey was too paranoid to use the front gate. I had to admit that I was more than a little scared when I stepped outside the walls of my safe little town. I’d never left Shelton in my life, so I didn’t know what to expect when we went into the outside world.

The small provincial town was in the center of a giant, grassy field surrounded by a dense, green forest. Beyond the endless woods, I saw a giant mountain peaking high over the trees. There was no other mountain so far as I could see, so this had to be Mount Niveous. The sun was shining brightly in the middle of the clear blue sky, and I could see the glint reflecting from the snow at the tip of the mountain. I hoped Dewey didn’t want me to go all the way up there.

He wasted no time with small talk. It looked like he knew where he was going as he headed to the edge of the wood far from town, but I couldn’t tell left from right. He stopped at a small wooden sign tucked into the dirt next to a parting of trees. It read “Oakwood Forest” in very bad hand writing with an arrow pointing in the direction of a trail leading into the woods.

“This is where I leave you.” Dewey said.

Even though I knew this was coming, my stomach twisted uneasily. With my luck, who knew what would happen to me in the dark, scary forest?

Dewey patted my shoulder reassuringly as he took in my expression, “You’ll be fine. I’ve packed you enough food for three days. I’ll come to check on you then.”

“Why can’t you come with me?” I complained like a little baby.

“I already told you, I have to stay and keep watch.” He said, “Besides, it’ll look suspicious if both you and I are gone.”

I frowned. Excuses, excuses. I didn’t say that out loud.

“Remember, Niveous Mountain Pass, and stick to the trail.” He instructed, “Don’t forget that.”

I nodded. He squeezed my shoulder, “I’ll see you in three days, then.”

He started to walk back to the town when I realized that I hadn’t even thanked him for helping me. He was the one person who’d ever been truly nice to me in my life. I was a shmuck for not showing any gratitude to him.

“Dewey?” I called. He stopped and turned around.“Er-thanks for helping me, man. I really appreciate it. I don't know what I would have done without you."

“Yeah well…” he said sheepishly and a small smile was twitching at the corners of his mouth. Then his face became serious again, “Go, you idiot!”

I laughed nervously and hesitantly headed into the woods, leaving my old life behind me.

***********

The Oakwood Forest was a lot less eerie than I thought it would be. But that was probably only due to the fact that it was still day time. The weather was really sunny and the sunlight went right through the cracks in between all the leaves. There were birds chirping among the trees and the skittering of the forest critters on the ground. It was altogether very peaceful, but I was pretty sure the happy scenery changed into something out of a nightmare in the dark, so I tried to hurry to get to the damn cave as soon as possible.

I stuck to the trail, like Dewey told me to. I was really scared that if I strayed away from the path, I wouldn’t be able to find my way back; I’ve been prone to get lost, even in a town as tiny as Shelton.

To keep myself from getting bored, I looked around at my surrounding while I walked. The woods were really interesting to me, having never been outside my town’s walls. Munchie was on my shoulder, happy to have some fresh air for longer than a few minutes at a time.

“Can you believe our luck?” I asked the hamster, “This has to be the worst thing I’ve ever gotten myself into.”

I could tell he agreed with me. He climbed on top of my head to get a better view of the forest.

“What are we going to do if that crazy guy sticks around?” I muttered. I knew Munchie would know who I was referring to…even though he was just a hamster.

“I guess Dewey will probably help us out.” I concluded, “I just hope we don’t have to live in a cave forever.”

Suddenly Munchie leaped off my head and darted down the trail at an incredible rate.

What the heck?

“Hey!” I shouted after the hamster. I bolted after him. First it was Dewey, and now Munchie was out of his mind.

In the distance ahead of me, I heard a strange sound. It sounded like…neighing. I pumped my legs faster.

I rounded a bend of trees and saw a snowy white horse with a girl astride it. But I barely noticed her or the horse because Munchie was scurrying around right under the horse’s feet. It kicked its hooves up in the air wildly and pounded them back into the ground, whinnying maniacally. The girl tried to pull back the horse’s reigns to calm it down.

“Whoa, Fiona!” she cooed.

I dashed to Munchie’s aid impulsively, afraid that he would get squished under the beast’s hooves.

“Munchie!” I shrieked and zipped right under the horse’s feet. I was anxious to see if Munchie was in one piece. Luckily, he was. He jumped into my hands and crawled back into my pocket automatically. Poor little guy was scared to death.

The horse went wild. It kicked up its front legs and neighed chaotically. It leaned back so far that the girl riding it fell backwards.

“Whoa! Hey! OW!” she yelled as she slid off the back of the horse and landed with a thud on the ground.

I didn’t check to see if she was alright, and I guess that was pretty mean. But come on! Her stupid horse almost squished my hamster! I could feel him trembling in my pocket. Cautiously, I reached in and took Munchie out and stroked his fur comfortingly.

“Sorry, little guy.” I murmured, “Did the mean monster scare you?” I turned around to glare at the wild beast. It had moved behind the girl who was still on the ground. Hearing my words, the horse kicked its foot into the dirt and snarled while the girl glowered up at me.

“I beg your pardon?” she spat, trying to make her voice sound all menacing. I wasn’t backing down.

“You need to put that thing on a leash!” I barked at her.

She looked at me with incredulous eyes and laughed one, short, humorless laugh before pulling herself up and getting up in my face. Even though she was about a foot shorter than me, I backed away; the expression her face was vicious. Despite the anger in her eyes, I couldn’t deny that she was really pretty. Her eyes were emerald green and rimmed with brown lashes, and she had wavy, caramel colored hair. Her jaw structure was very defined, prominent, and her thick eyebrows were arched, giving her the over all appearance of a tough girl. But I didn’t want to think of her as being attractive, so I glared at her some more.

“Excuse me, but it was your little rat that almost scared Fiona to death!” she growled.

Fiona. Oh, so the thing had a name?

“Munchie is a hamster, NOT a rat.” I corrected her angrily. Yeesh, why couldn’t anyone get it right?

“Whatever,” she said indifferently.

“Who are you, anyways?” I wondered out loud, “Do you live in Shelton?”

“I don’t have to explain anything to you.” She snapped, “Why did your hamster try to give Fiona a heart attack?”

I was about to tell her that I didn’t have to explain myself to her, either when, without any warning, Munchie sprung out of my hands and into the girl’s bag.

“Hey, what-?” she began, looking into the bag after Munchie. Comprehension lit her face and she rolled her jade green eyes. She reached in and pulled Munchie out of her bag. I was surprised that she wasn’t scared of him like the other girls at the orphanage. She also drew out some cheese. Gouda, Munchie’s favorite.

“Looks like we’ve solved that mystery.” She muttered, answering her previous question. She gave me back Munchie along with the cheese. He nibbled at it happily, the little punk.

“Thanks.” I grumbled.

“You’re welcome.” she stated. She turned around and mounted Fiona once more. She looked down at me with a less than amused expression, “Maybe now you won’t attack my horse again.”

I rolled my eyes. The horse continued to scowl at me and Munchie with indignation.

“I’m Ivory, by the way.” she said, “Since you wanted to know.”

“Clover.” I returned.

Ivory gave me a strange look, “That’s a weird name for a guy.”

I gritted my teeth. Who did she think she was? She didn’t have the right to pick on my name.

“Gee, thanks.” I said sarcastically. She smiled a little.

“Well, Clover,” she emphasized my name, probably to make me mad, “I fervently hope that I never see you or your hamster again.”

“Right back at ‘ya,” I countered. Besides, she could probably count on her wish, considering the crap I was in right now.

She smiled once at me and whipped the reigns on the horse. Her navy blue cloak billowed after her as she galloped away into the depths of the trees. I watched until she was gone.

“Chicks.” I muttered to myself and continued up the path to the Niveous Mountain Pass.
Last edited by Dreamworx95 on Wed Jan 28, 2009 5:26 am, edited 6 times in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 13389
Reviews 260
Woohoo, another excellent chapter. ^_^ I really am enjoying this story, as I said in my previous review, it’s so much fun.

I enjoyed the new character you introduced this chapter—while “pretty girl who argues with the hero a lot and then they eventually fall in love” is far from the most original character archetype ever, your funny prose and the fact that the story doesn’t take itself too seriously is really making it work. I like Ivory a lot. ^_^

A few small spelling/grammar things…
The sun was shining brightly in the middle of the clear blue sky and I could see the glint reflecting from the snow at the tip of the mountain.

Random nitpick, but I think you might want to put a comma after “sky”

It was all together very peaceful,

I think “altogether” is one word.

It kicked it’s hooves up in the air and neighed chaotically

I’m pretty sure this should be “its” rather than “it’s.” Also, the adverb seems a little unnecessary here.

So, in short, this story is coming along great! I can’t wait to see more. ^_^
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

Hey, how about a free review?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 192
I'm here!
You thought I forgot about you, huh? :wink:

Okay. I was wrong before. This is the best chapter yet. I love how Clover's narrating the story to us, instead of it being just like a diary or something. I also like the confrontation between Ivory and Clover. I was chuckling the whole time, but only because I was thinking of Clover little play fighting with some adorable girl he really has a crush on but won't admit. :lol:

They'll meet again, no? I'd love to see that!

No crit here; I enjoyed this so much! Clover is the best. You did a fantastic job on his character development.

Keep 'em coming! :D




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1395
Reviews 565
I say, I'm enjoying this too. Although I could point out a few things.

First off, I think "Oakwood" is a lame title for a forest. Try thinking of something more original. And second, you seem to have a habit of closing dialog incorrectly. Let me show you.

"This is where I leave you." Dewy said. That should read "This is where I leave you," Dewy said.

It's a small point, but people tend to notice things like that.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1390
Reviews 69
Hey there, Dreamworx!

It's so weird, I'm pretty sure I commented on this one. It must not have worked. Weird.

Anywho, I loved this chapter! Am I right in supposing we'll be seeing Ivory again?
There are a few things I noticed:
The weather was really sunny and the sunlight went right through the cracks in between all the leaves and there were birds chirping among the trees and the skittering of the forest critters on the ground.
This seems to me like a veeeery long sentence.

I looked around at my surroundings while I walked to keep myself from getting bored.
At first glance, it sounds like he's walking to keep himself from getting bored. Maybe you could say, "To keep myself from getting bored, I looked around at my surrounings while I walked." Or something similar.

Thanks for the read,
--Anna
"Man needs music, literature, and painting--all those oases of perfection that make up art--to compensate for the rudeness and materialism of life." -Fernando Botero




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6517
Reviews 402
Hey Dream-- I almost forgot about continuing to review this. My bad! Ah! But here I go.

Nitpicks

Dewey patte my shoulder reassuringly as he took in my expression, “You’ll be fine. I’ve packed you enough food for three days. I’ll come to check on you then.”

He's going to check on him? Honestly, this man should use his brains and know that Clover is MOST definitely going to get himself into some trouble in the forest within three days' time. The boy is a walking disaster. ;)

“Dewey?” I called. He stopped and turned around.

“Er-thanks for helping me, man. I really appreciate it.” I said awkwardly, “I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

These should be the same paragraph. And remember! At the end of dialogue, if it was a period, use a comma instead. It should be: I really appreciate it," I said awkwardly. If you have a dialogue tag like "I said" or "he shouted", it's still considered the same sentence. It's just something important to remember in future writing.

I stuck to the trail, like Dewey told me to. I was really scared that if I strayed away from the path, I wouldn’t be able to find my way back; I’ve been prone to get lost, even in a town as tiny as Shelton. [s]I know, pathetic, right?[/s]

Ditch that last bit. He's already come off as rather pathetic, and we get it by now.

Even though she was about a foot shorter than me, I backed away;

How can he tell if she's on a horse?

Her eyes were emerald green and she had wavy, caramel colored hair. But I didn’t want to think of her as being attractive, so I glared at her some more.

Aw! Describe her more than that! Just because her eyes are green doesn't mean she's attractive.

“Well, Clover,” she emphasized my name, probably to piss me off, “I fervently hope that I never see you or your hamster again.”

I really don't like the swearing. The story seems very light-toned, funny, and the swearing seems too much for it.

Alright, so not too much happened in this story. He went into the woods and met a girl. I wish you would describe the girl some more, and explain his hostility more. I know he's upset because of Munchie, but you never really touched on that - why he would be so angry that his hamster ran under a girl's horse, a girl who is beautiful. WHY does he ignore the fact that she's beautiful, and blame the horse and her for what Munchie did? It seems like a bland plot device - just quickly giving an unexplained reason for why he doesn't get along with the girl.

Anyway, I wonder what will happen on the mountain? I am curious. PM me for anything!

~ Clo
How am I not myself?



The first thing I do when I have a good quote is always to put a goat in it. uwu
— Liminality