By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 1 • Young Writers Society

KJ · 2008-06-17T14:03:49Z

Chapter One They assigned Jeff to watch over me for the night. It was an odd feeling, pitying the guard standing over you. But I did pity him, even as I was sitting on the cold ground tied to a tree. I wiggled the fingers on both hands, feeling nothing. My circulation was being cut off; they had tied tightly me against the trunk, and with enough ropes that my body was covered—they feared my escape. They feared I would go back to the humans. Jeff did not speak to me. He stood a safe distance away, holding his rifle, with his back to his prisoner. I studied him impassively, trying not to admit my own hurt at his rebuttal. I didn’t need him. I didn’t need anyone. I would die with an honor of my own, and not beg for anyone’s help. The night wore on, and grew colder. White fumes of air clouded the black sky when I breathed. I grew some of my fur to keep me warm. My pelt was not the only thing that gave me comfort; my pendant was still and smoldering against my chest. It hummed quietly, and as the moon rose higher, the Calling became louder. It was difficult to resist. But I did, because I knew my family—the Pack—would be angered at the sight of me if I were to change. They would feel it was an insult. Jeff fell asleep. But even when his head nodded, he still clutched the rifle with his two strong fists. I would not allow myself to fall into the same sweet oblivion. I remained alert, watching and waiting, for any opportunity. If one did come, I would be ready. But I doubted anything would present itself. Uncle Richard stood not too far away, on the outskirts of the makeshift camp the Pack had built, watching me. His muscular arms were obstinately folded across his chest, and his black eyes glared into mine with such hatred that I turned away. Uncle Richard and Aunt Cornelia had always despised me. I resembled my mother, and for the two of them it meant two different things, two different reasons to loathe me. Richard Soren had been in love with my mother. He and my father both. My mother had, for a reason never made clear to me, chosen my father. Father told me it was because she didn’t love Richard, but I don’t think so. I think it was because of Aunt Cornelia. The old woman must have loved Richard, and my mother must have seen that. My mother is remembered as a great beauty, one of the favorites of the Pack. I’ve been told that unlike most of our breed, she carried herself with an innate kindness that most could not understand, least of all Cornelia. It was no secret that Richard had desired her above all others, and had been consumed by rage and jealousy when she’d chosen another: my father. Despite how cruel he has become now, I think there was love between Richard and my mother. At times, in the past, when Richard would speak of her, his rough voice would grow soft with remembrance, and his eyes would glow like our pendants, with an inside fire. Aunt Cornelia hated my mother, despite her sacrifice. I could not see how my mother could be so kind. I don’t think she loved my father. He was a weak man, and not near as handsome as Uncle Richard used to be. Uncle Richard despised me because I reminded him of her, and it pained him. I reminded him of how she did not choose him, of how she died with another man at her side. Aunt Cornelia was simply jealous, and was withering inside with it. And as I waited to be killed, I pitied my Uncle Richard as well. An owl suddenly flitted across the sky, making its loud call. I jumped, and Jeff mumbled in his sleep. I was staring up at the stars, forcing back tears, when a hand clamped over my mouth. I glanced wildly at the camp, and saw that Richard was gone. When I saw this, I knew it was him behind me, then. He wanted to kill me with his own hands, then. I screamed desperately, but the sound was muffled. “Shut up,” a familiar voice snapped in my ear. “Sit still while I cut these ropes.” I instantly obeyed, my heart in my throat. My relief was so strong part of me wanted to cry. Not allowing myself to give into this weak urge, I listened as he sawed at the thick ropes. As soon as I was free, Mark grabbed my arm, hauling me into the woods. “Change,” he ordered. I was only too eager to obey. It was a sweet surrender to the Calling, as my skin became fur and my nose stretched to a sharp, wet snout. I hadn't done it in so long, and my muscles practically sighed with contentment. This was the body I felt I most belonged in. This was the body that I thought more beautiful. We were wolves now, running through the trees with such speed that I doubted even the wind could keep track of us. Mark was swift and powerful beside me, black and gorgeous. And I couldn't deny the heat that spread through me at the sight of him. I didn’t know how long we ran. I followed Mark, an overwhelming surge of conflicting and unknown emotions flowing through my being. We stopped when the Mackenzie Wall was before us. It was only then that Mark turned to face me. He changed back, so that his human eyes were the ones looking at me. “That was… too easy,” I said, breathless, my confusion growing stronger. “How—why—” “You don’t really think Jeff would fall asleep standing guard, do you?” Mark asked me, his voice flat and hard. “He volunteered, and did a pretty good job of convincing your aunt and uncle that he would do the job right. No one else was that willing to stay up with a Shamed One.” “Jeff was… faking?” I was embarrassed about how stupid and slow I sounded, but I couldn’t believe that Jeff would do what he’s clearly done for me. Mark didn’t reply to this. “He’ll have much to answer for in the morning.” “And you—” “You have no family now,” the wolf went on quietly. “You have no home. Leave these mountains. Leave everything behind, and go to the cities. It is not safe for a lone wolf in the wilderness.” “What about another Pack?” I asked feebly, knowing the answer before he spoke it. “No other pack will accept a traitor. Rumors have a way of traveling. Blending in with the humans is the best chance of survival for you.” I bit my lip, nodded, and prepared to turn away. His hard hand descended upon my shoulder, and I turned back. His dark eyes were fathomless, and I couldn’t help myself—I looked at his lips. And then, before I had realized it, they were on mine, rough and caressing at the same time. When I’d recovered I responded with enthusiasm, and couldn’t stop a moan from escaping my throat. This is what Harriet and the others always come back for , I thought faintly. Mark shoved me away, and we both breathed heavily. “Go,” he said hoarsely. “Now, before they wake.” I forced myself to turn away again. I stared up at the towering mountains. Mountains that I never should have crossed. I knew now what lay beyond them, as I had longed to all my life, but the cost was almost more than I could bear. What did they have in store for me now? Would Dane come with me to the cities? Shelter me, help me? I realized I’ve been standing and staring at the range too long without saying anything. One last time, I turned around to thank Mark and to say goodbye. But he was gone.

Moriah Leila

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Fri Aug 01, 2008 2:33 am

Moriah Leila says... · Fri Aug 01, 2008 2:33 am

GAH I was so excited because

1. I love this story
2. I had found something to critique of your work

But alas The Fates are not fair. Everyone covered everything I was going to critique and it makes me sad. But happy at the same time, because your writing is so good I have to really look for mistakes!! Perhaps if I hurry and read the rest of the chapters I will be able to put in my two cents before everyone else....Yeah I want a copy when you get this story published.

I am not addicted to reading, I can quit as soon as I finish one more chapter.

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KJ

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Fri Aug 01, 2008 3:53 pm

KJ says... · Fri Aug 01, 2008 3:53 pm

*Edited* Again, I took everyone's suggestions into consideration.

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ashleylee

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Mon Aug 04, 2008 3:53 pm

ashleylee says... · Mon Aug 04, 2008 3:53 pm

The first thing I noticed about this chapter is that you didn’t use the place/date/happenings in this chapter. How come?? I enjoyed that part. It was easier to follow. But I guess you do what you need to do :wink:

Next, I noticed that you have way more thoughts with your MC than before, which I loved

And I think the info that you used was the perfect amount—not too much, but not too little that the reader can’t understand and make their own assumptions.

Good job!

Now for the individuals:

It was an odd feeling, pitying the guard standing over you.

All right, you don’t use “you” again in your story so I would just nix that. Use “me” instead or totally rewrite sentence. Whichever you prefer.

My circulation was being cut off; they had tied tightly me against the trunk, and with enough ropes that my body was covered—they feared my escape.

Awkward sentence. Oddly worded. Try maybe something like this: My circulation was being cut off; they feared my escape. Ropes covered my body, tying me tightly against the trunk of a tree, making any mobility impossible. or something like that.

My relief was so strong part of me wanted to cry.

Missing “that”. Slip it in between “strong” and “part”

When I’d recovered I responded with enthusiasm, and couldn’t stop a moan from escaping my throat.

Comma after “recovered”. Otherwise, the sentence sounds funny.

Other than all that, everything looked good. I have no further complaints.

*on to read chapter two*

"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach

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xyberangel

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Sun Sep 07, 2008 11:38 am

xyberangel says... · Sun Sep 07, 2008 11:38 am

I started reading your story today and loved it so far. I love the undercurrents of romance, relationships in the pack thats developing, and the balance of both human and wolf in the story.

Picked up on a few things

They assigned Jeff to watch over me for the night. It was an odd feeling, pitying the guard standing over you. But I did pity him, even as I was sitting on the cold ground tied to a tree

As people previously mentioned i still cant find any reasons for the character to pity Jeff, just a few lines would help to explain the confusion.

I glanced wildly at the camp, and saw that Richard was gone. When I saw this, I knew it was him behind me, then. He wanted to kill me with his own hands, then. I screamed desperately, but the sound was muffled.

“Shut up,” a familiar voice snapped in my ear. “Sit still while I cut these ropes.”
I instantly obeyed, my heart in my throat. My relief was so strong part of me wanted to cry. Not allowing myself to give into this weak urge, I listened as he sawed at the thick ropes. As soon as I was free, Mark grabbed my arm, hauling me into the wood

this part was a bit confusing as when it says a familiar voice snapped in my ear, the first that came to mind was Richards as he was family, and she didnt even think of mark in the whole chapter, and 'I instantly obeyed is a bit weak maybe something like 'I froze mid-scream, chocking back in relief. Relief so strong tears threatened to overflow, restraining agasint these weak urges, I listened as he sawed at the thick ropes.'
Just thought it might be stronger in showing rather than saying in throughts.

*goes on to read the new chapters
- Flora

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sylverdawn

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Fri Sep 12, 2008 1:15 am

sylverdawn says... · Fri Sep 12, 2008 1:15 am

Nice beginning I liked her escape, but It would be nice if you described the characters, more, I mean I'm drawing a blank on faces really. And it would be nice if you described the MC's wolf form as well. I'm just getting a blank on what everyone looks like, like a bunch of blobs.

Overall though, your description of the wilderness was well done and believable. I'm guessing from the way the weres act about humans that racism is alive and well in the story. It's really interesting.

You might want to work some more on the MC's emotions. Right now I just feel kind of detached from her, I don't really relate to her, or at least not on the level that I should.
Being put to death by your family and friends? Who cares.
Leaving the only home you've ever known? Meh.
The closest that you get to strong emotion with her is when she kisses Mark. And in truth I kind of relate to him more then her.

I'll keep reading and reviewing. This has potential, you just need to work on it.

DANCE- Like no-one is watching
LOVE- Like you've never been hurt
SING- Like no-one is listening
LIVE- Like it's heaven on earth.

Please read and review my novel. The title is Fireborn. Here's the link.

novel.php?id=1157

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Kaylyn

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Sat Sep 13, 2008 12:07 am

Kaylyn says... · Sat Sep 13, 2008 12:07 am

Okay here goes:

Jeff did not speak to me. He stood a safe distance away, holding his rifle, with his back to his prisoner. I studied him impassively, trying not to admit my own hurt at his rebuttal. I didn’t need him. I didn’t need anyone. I would die with an honor of my own, and not beg for anyone’s help.

Okay I am bad about this too, don;t use so many I's you have four back to back I's

You had a few spelling mistakes, but that can be fixed. I didn't see anything else that majorly bothered me or stood out. You have a neat and interesting way to start and end this chapter. I hope you keep going with it. PM me when you post more, I would definately like to read them, and critique them *laughs evily* I can't wait to tear them apart.JK

Good luck with your writing! :smt023

As your pretty, so be wise,
Wolves may lurk in every guise.

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By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 1

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