Clover's Curse Chapter 2

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Inspirational Songs: I Need Some Sleep by Eels, and Desperado by Eagles

Chapter 2: Drunken Nights

Ironically enough, it began to rain. Just my luck, right?

Desperate to get out of the cold, I rushed through the sopping rain and kept my jacket over my head in a useless attempt to stay dry. I ran in the direction of the bar. After the day I had, I was entitled to a drink. Or two.

The bar wasn’t very different from the other houses in the village. It was long and rectangular with a wooden-shackled roof and a chimney that spewed smoke. The only difference was that there was a giant sign over the entryway that read, “Dewey’s”. And unlike the blunt, lifelessness of the rest of the village, the bar was animated and vivacious. Its prominent yellow lights were radiant in the dark blue canvas of the night. In the freezing, merciless rain, the warmth that protruded from the bar was inviting.

I thanked my lucky stars that I still had some money and dashed into Dewey’s. Even though I was soaking wet, the minute I stepped into the bar I felt warm. Glowing heat seemed to exude from everything; the fireplace, the lamp lights, even the people were warm and bubbly as they chatted away with each other. In the far corner of the bar there was an elf playing a nice melody on a piano. The place wasn’t completely filled tonight, but it wasn’t empty either. I really hoped I wouldn’t cause any trouble here, but it was inevitable that I would.

Instead of dwelling on that thought, I spotted an empty seat at the counter and sat down. Dewey, a short, brawny man appeared behind the counter and pulled out a glass.

“What can I get you, chum?” he asked.

“The strongest thing you have,” I said, unfamiliar with any names.

“Rough day?” he assumed.

I nodded, “Got fired.”

“This one’s on the house, then.” He said sympathetically, pouring a honey colored liquid into the small glass. He pushed the glass and the bottle towards me.

“Thanks.” I lifted the glass to my mouth, swallowing the drink in one gulp. It was the first time I’d ever had alcohol, and man, it tasted awful. To tell you the truth, I was a little worried about how dangerous I’d be while I was drunk. I mean, even when I was sober I was a walking plague. But I figured I owed it to myself to loosen up tonight. So I poured myself a few more drinks and chugged them all down one after the other.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been drunk before, but it is a sensation like no other. First, my body started to feel really loose and tingly, and then sounds became more muffled. And then I had the urge to scream whatever was on my mind. That was when the spinning started. The world rotated all around me, and I wasn’t even moving.

Before I knew it, the bottle was empty, and I was quite disappointed. But a small part of my brain was telling me I’d had enough to drink. I knew I couldn’t stay any longer without causing trouble.
I sighed and reluctantly stood up, which was a bad move because the ground felt like it was moving. I stumbled over but caught myself on the edge of the counter while managing to knock down the stool I was sitting on.

I’d worked in the bakery for so long that I couldn’t help myself; I picked the stool back up. Old habits die hard, I guess.

I turned around and tried to walk straight. As I tried to make my way across the bar to the exit, my head swirled. Man, how could people stand this? I stared at the ground while I walked, attempting to stay steady on my feet, which was not a good idea because I ran into something massive and fell flat on my back. The breath came out of my lungs like a gust of wind.

“Ouch,” I croaked. I looked up at what knocked me down. It was a guy. Even though my vision was really blurry, I could see that the guy was big, bald, and had two equally large men standing behind him. I tilted my head, looking at him questioningly, trying to figure out who he was.

I eventually pulled myself up - with great difficulty I might add - and tried to stay balanced.

“Watch it,” the beefy man who knocked me down barked as he brushed past me.

You watch it,” I muttered under my breath.

The big man snapped his head back, “What did you just say to me?”

“I said, ‘You watch it’.” I emphasized each word slowly, partly to piss him off, and partly because I was too drunk to speak coherently.

His nostrils flared in rage. He yanked his arm back and snapped it forward, landing his fist square in my jaw and made me fly back into the counter. I landed on my back, breaking a couple of glasses and bottles in the process. My head spun. The big man marched over and pulled me by the front of my shirt so that we were face to face, and I got a closer look at him.

Man, was he was scary-looking. His eyes were dark and they were red where they should have been white. His teeth ground together as he pulled back his lips to snarl at me. Ugh. He smelled gross, too.

“Do you have any idea who you’re messing with?” he growled.

I knew I should shut up now, but I couldn’t stop the next words from coming out of my mouth, “No. But I know that you’re the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen.”

That did it. I’d never seen anyone so angry, not even Mr. Garrow when I broke his display counter. His eyes bulged out in fury. With a menacing snarl, he picked me up and lifted me high above his head. I closed my eyes, preparing for the pain. He threw me down onto something hard, and whatever it was shattered underneath my weight. I groaned agonizingly. Damn, that hurt. Luckily, I didn’t seem to have broken any bones, but there was no doubt that I would be covered in bruises the next day. I managed to stand back up with some effort.

I was really pissed now; I’d had a bad enough day already without this bozo making it worse. I lunged at the big guy and tackled him without thinking. I speared him right through the piano behind him. The elf playing the piano had the foresight to move out of the way quickly. We smashed onto the keys, making the notes jangle wildly.

I was about to punch his brains out, but before I could nail the guy in the face, I felt strong hands pulling me away. I was too drunk to even put up a fight. I let whoever was grabbing me drag me out of the bar.

The only reason I knew we were outside was because the air got colder and rain splattered on my face. I got dumped onto the cold stone alleyway, and I was a little annoyed at that. I looked up to see who pulled me out of the pub. It was Dewey. He was glaring down at me with an angry expression. I smiled up at him sheepishly, my eyes half open.

“Hey, Dewey!”

He rolled his eyes, “I shouldn’t have given you that bottle of tequila.”

“Was that what it was? Dang, that stuff sure is great!” I said, but it sounded like mush when I spoke.

“Right. We need to get you out of here.” Dewey muttered. He pulled me up and swung my arm over his shoulder. I didn’t protest when Dewey tugged me along the flight of stairs at the back of the pub; I was too far gone to understand what was going on around me. All I remembered was my head hitting something soft and fluffy before I blacked out.
Last edited by Dreamworx95 on Wed Dec 17, 2008 9:36 pm, edited 8 times in total.




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*squeals* Yay! Another chapter to Clover's story. Thanks for telling me. As you can see, I enjoyed this one as well. But, there are a few things I suggest you change.

I loved your descriptions in the beginning by the way.

SUGGESTIONS
I thanked my lucky stars that I still had some money and dashed into Dewey’s. Even though I was soaking wet, the minute I stepped into the bar I [s]automatically[/s] felt warm. Glowing heat seemed to spew from everything; the fireplace, the lamp lights, even the people were warm and bubbly as they chatted away with each other. In the far corner of the bar there was an elf playing a nice melody on a piano. The place wasn’t completely filled tonight, but it wasn’t empty either. I really hoped I wouldn’t cause any trouble here, but it was inevitable that I would.

There was no need for 'automatically in that sentence. And also, you've already used 'spew' earlier on. Try another word; the repetition can get irritating.

Instead of dwelling on that thought, I spotted an empty seat at the counter and sat down. Dewey[s], the bartender,[/s] appeared behind the counter and pulled out a glass.

No need for 'the bartender', the reader already comes to that conclusion without you saying it.

“Rough day?” Dewey assumed.

Same here. No need for 'Dewey assumed'.

“This one’s on the house, then.” He said sympathetically, pouring [s]a[/s] honey colored liquid into the small glass. He pushed the glass and the bottle towards me.


Before I knew it, the bottle was empty, and I was quite disappointed [s]at that[/s]. [s]But[/s] [s]a[/s] A small part of my brain was telling me I’d had enough to drink. I knew I couldn’t stay any longer without causing trouble.


“Ouch,” I croaked. I looked up what it was that knocked me down.

Huh? Do you mean: "I looked up at what it was that knocked me down."? Even so, this sentence is too wordy. Try: "I looked up at what knocked me down."

I was about to punch his brains out, but before I could nail the guy in the face, I felt strong, sober arms pulling me away. I was too drunk to even put up a fight. I let whoever was grabbing me drag me out of the bar.

Strong, sober arms? Sober isn't really a good adjective here. Plus, 'arms' doesn't sound good here either. Try: "I was about to punch his brains out, but before I could nail the guy in the face, I felt strong hands pulling me away."

QUESTIONS
Okay, isn't Clover a little too young to be drinking? That's the impression I get from Clover; a little kid to happens to be very unlucky. Or maybe it doesn't matter in this time period, which I'm still not sure what it is, exactly.

Which leads me to my second question... When does this take place? It isn't very clear.

And last... Where is this headed? You don't have to tell me if this is already planned out in your head, but by the looks of it, this isn't really going anywhere.


Nonetheless, I love this anyway. *clicks star* :wink:




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OMG, I'm sorry. This is really late because I'm just a jerk like that. Sorry! My school year is scary already, and it's only going to get worse OTL. XD

Anyway, pretty brilliant chapter. Poor Clover. XD Once more, your MC has a good voice, and is very likable, it's easy for the audience to sympathize with his misfortunes. Though I don't really feel like this chapter really... took us anywhere, I guess? It feels like it didn't move the plot much. Eh, that's okay, though, I'm sure the next chapter will. Anyway, funny descriptions, very good dialogue, and just a lot of exellence in general.

Some quick possible critique thingys:

Dewey, a short man who was very brawny, appeared behind the counter and pulled out a glass.

I think "a short, brawny man" would sound a little less awkward.

It was the first time I’d ever had alcohol, and man, it tasted awful. To tell you the truth, I was a little worried about how dangerous I’d be while I was drunk. I mean, even when I was sober I was a walking plague. But I figured I owed it to myself to loosen up tonight. So I poured myself a few more drinks and chugged them all down one after the other.

Question: Now, maybe I don't understand, not being a drinker myself (hooray laws and Celiac disease!) but if he thinks it tastes really awful, why would he want more? Eh, probably just a case of me not knowing what I'm talking about.

I agree with the poster above me, though I don't know all that much about medieval customs, it seems like it would be weird for a pretty young kid to just get welcomed into the tavern to drink. Actually, how old is Clover again? I forgot... XD

In any case, another great chapter, can't wait for the next one! Sorry this was so late and rushed. XD
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

Hey, how about a free review?




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Hey there, Dreamworx!

First of all, it's amazing how much this story has progressed from the very first chapter! Already it's sounding more natural, and your descriptions are beautiful.

The only thing I can find right now is this:
I sighed and reluctantly stood up, which was a bad move because the ground felt like it was moving. I stumbled over but caught myself on the edge of the counter while managing to knock down the stool I was sitting on.
These sentences seem a bit awkward to me.

Sorry, I need to rush off. I'll be back though, with much better reviews than this one!

apologetically,
--Anna
"Man needs music, literature, and painting--all those oases of perfection that make up art--to compensate for the rudeness and materialism of life." -Fernando Botero




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Hey Dream! I understand completely your desire for more comments on character and plot rather than grammar bits. I will do that for you! After each review, if you have further questions to either what I say or things I didn't address that you wanted me to, just PM me! :)

In the far corner of the bar there was an elf playing a nice melody on a piano.

Aha! I've been looking for something like this the entire story. I only figured this was a fantasy story mainly because you've put it in the fantasy forum, yet I discovered no clues toward what level of fantasy this is up until this point. I figured it was some rural location, as you've mentioned a Bakery and bar and orphanage, and no modes of transportation, I figured it was set in some other typical fantasy realm which has no traces of the contemporary, but as for creatures and abilities and the like, I really wasn't sure. Now I have a mild clue as to the creatures, and that was nice. I wish you could drop a clue like this earlier, as it would have clarified things for me earlier. This clue is nice, because it gives me an idea of what type of fantasy we are dealing with here.

Another thing that might have thrown me off before as to what kind of fantasy this story was is Munchie - he's a hamster. I've read many fantasy, and when the hero has a pet, it's usually a supernatural creature of some sort. So a hamster puts me into a more contemporary mindset, or at least into this world, where there are hamsters.

Clover
I like him more and more as I read, definitely. I wonder where Munchie went at the end of this chapter, though, as the hamster was probably in his coat during the bar fight! Anyway, I feel like I was forced into accepting him as much older, him getting drunk and all - in the chapter before, he was in an orphanage and fumbling all over a bakery. His maturity level seemed very low, so him suddenly slamming down drinks was a tad bit weird to read, though as I read I realized he was really just going with the flow and playing an older role in the bar. I feel like you should make him more mature before he gets drunk and stumbling, show that he has grown since the orphanage, as well as the bakery, perhaps.

I feel like your storytelling has gotten much better in this chapter. In the first one, I found myself stumbling over awkward concepts and names, but here I read flawlessly without encountering any of the problems I had with the first part. A major improvement! But I know that beginning stories can be tricky, so I'm assuming this is what your writing is usually like, and that you just had trouble with the beginning. That's fine - I know you said you fixed a few things, and hopefully with editing, the beginning will sound better and better.

Like I said before, PM me! I'll review the next part the next chance I get. ^^

~ Clo
How am I not myself?




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Ironically enough, it began to rain. Just my luck, right?
Desperate to get out of the cold, I rushed through the sopping rain and kept my jacket over my head in a useless attempt to stay dry. I ran in the direction of the bar. After the day I had, I was entitled to a drink. Or two. good foreshadowing!

The bar wasn’t very different from the other houses in the village. It was long and rectangular with a wooden-shackled roof and a chimney that spewed smoke. The only difference was that there was a giant sign over the entryway that read, “Dewey’s”. And unlike the blunt, lifelessness of the rest of the village, the bar was animated and vivacious. Its prominent yellow lights were radiant in the dark blue canvas of the night. In the freezing, merciless rain, the warmth that protruded from the bar was inviting.good detail

I thanked my lucky stars that I still had some money and dashed into Dewey’s. Even though I was soaking wet, the minute I stepped into the bar I felt warm. Glowing heat seemed to exude from everything; the fireplace, the lamp lights, even the people were warm and bubbly as they chatted away with each other. In the far corner of the bar there was an elf playing a nice melody on a piano. The place wasn’t completely filled tonight, but it wasn’t empty either. I really hoped I wouldn’t cause any trouble here, but it was inevitable that I would.I wouldn't say dashed here; instead, use hurried or something like it. Again, great description

Instead of dwelling on that thought, I spotted an empty seat at the counter and sat down. Dewey, a short, brawny man appeared behind the counter and pulled out a glass. We've already been introduced to Dewey with the same description, so that's a bit redundant.

“What can I get you, chum?” he asked.

“The strongest thing you have,” I said, unfamiliar with any names.

“Rough day?” he assumed.

I nodded, “Got fired.”

“This one’s on the house, then.” He said sympathetically, pouring a honey colored liquid into the small glass. He pushed the glass and the bottle towards me.

“Thanks.” I lifted the glass to my mouth, swallowing the drink in one gulp. It was the first time I’d ever had alcohol, and man, it tasted awful. To tell you the truth, I was a little worried about how dangerous I’d be while I was drunk. I mean, even when I was sober I was a walking plague. But I figured I owed it to myself to loosen up tonight. So I poured myself a few more drinks and chugged them all down one after the other.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been drunk before, but it is a sensation like no other. First, my body started to feel really loose and tingly, and then sounds became more muffled. And then I had the urge to scream whatever was on my mind. That was when the spinning started. The world rotated all around me, and I wasn’t even moving. Uh oh :wink:

Before I knew it, the bottle was empty, and I was quite disappointed. But a small part of my brain was telling me I’d had enough to drink. I knew I couldn’t stay any longer without causing trouble.

I sighed and reluctantly stood up, which was a bad move because the ground felt like it was moving. I stumbled over but caught myself on the edge of the counter while managing to knock down the stool I was sitting on.

I’d worked in the bakery for so long that I couldn’t help myself; I picked the stool back up. Old habits die hard, I guess.

I turned around and tried to walk straight. As I tried to make my way across the bar to the exit, my head swirled. Man, how could people stand this? I stared at the ground while I walked, attempting to stay steady on my feet, which was not a good idea because I ran into something massive and fell flat on my back. The breath came out of my lungs like a gust of wind.

“Ouch,” I croaked. I looked up at what knocked me down. It was a guy. Even though my vision was really blurry, I could see that the guy was big, bald, and had two equally large men standing behind him. I tilted my head, looking at him questioningly, trying to figure out who he was. good, good

I eventually pulled myself up - with great difficulty I might add - and tried to stay balanced.

“Watch it,” the beefy man who knocked me down barked as he brushed past me.

“You watch it,” I muttered under my breath.

The big man snapped his head back, “What did you just say to me?”

“I said, ‘You watch it’.” I emphasized each word slowly, partly to piss him off, and partly because I was too drunk to speak coherently.

His nostrils flared in rage. He yanked his arm back and snapped it forward, landing his fist square in my jaw and made me fly back into the counter. I landed on my back, breaking a couple of glasses and bottles in the process. My head spun. The big man marched over and pulled me by the front of my shirt so that we were face to face, and I got a closer look at him.

Man, was he was scary-looking. His eyes were dark and they were red where they should have been white. His teeth ground together as he pulled back his lips to snarl at me. Ugh. He smelled gross, too.

“Do you have any idea who you’re messing with?” he growled.

I knew I should shut up now, but I couldn’t stop the next words from coming out of my mouth, “No. But I know that you’re the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen.”

That did it. I’d never seen anyone so angry, not even Mr. Garrow when I broke his display counter. His eyes bulged out in fury. With a menacing snarl, he picked me up and lifted me high above his head. I closed my eyes, preparing for the pain. He threw me down onto something hard, and whatever it was shattered underneath my weight. I groaned agonizingly. Damn, that hurt. Luckily, I didn’t seem to have broken any bones, but there was no doubt that I would be covered in bruises the next day. I managed to stand back up with some effort.Wasn't there a reference to this earlier?

I was really pissed now; I’d had a bad enough day already without this bozo making it worse. I lunged at the big guy and tackled him without thinking. I speared him right through the piano behind him. The elf playing the piano had the foresight to move out of the way quickly. We smashed onto the keys, making the notes jangle wildly.

I was about to punch his brains out, but before I could nail the guy in the face, I felt strong hands pulling me away. I was too drunk to even put up a fight. I let whoever was grabbing me drag me out of the bar.

The only reason I knew we were outside was because the air got colder and rain splattered on my face. I got dumped onto the cold stone alleyway, and I was a little annoyed at that. I looked up to see who pulled me out of the pub. It was Dewey. He was glaring down at me with an angry expression. I smiled up at him sheepishly, my eyes half open.

“Hey, Dewey!”

He rolled his eyes, “I shouldn’t have given you that bottle of tequila.”

“Was that what it was? Dang, that stuff sure is great!” I said, but it sounded like mush when I spoke.

“Right. We need to get you out of here.” Dewey muttered. He pulled me up and swung my arm over his shoulder. I didn’t protest when Dewey tugged me along the flight of stairs at the back of the pub; I was too far gone to understand what was going on around me. All I remembered was my head hitting something soft and fluffy before I blacked out.




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i like the detail.but one.they just let him in? how old is he? how old dose he look? two.the guy just handed him the drink without a second thought? also clover was a bit too farmiler with the place. three.you just poped it all in our face that they live in a magical world.all the sudden the guy had red and black eyes and the elf moved out of the way.i think you should kind of ease it into the frist chapter.but other than that it was wayyy better than the last one.
<foreverblair> ~in the words of david bowie.. "i'll be there for you,when the world falls down"~




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Hey!

-I think its really good...

-what i'm not really sure of is whether this is happening in modern life or way back in time. The fact that Clover was kicked out of the orphanage makes you think it happened a while ago but the phrases you use ('man' and 'pissing me off') make it more modern

-What happened to his hamster? :cry: :wink:

- "The elf playing the piano..." i don't get that part :s

The rest is awesome... keep writing!

MilaScribbler
xxx
The written word is like a piece of soft clay: you can twist it and shape it the way you want...

keep writing guys! :P



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