After Shock Plot and Chapter 1 Remade

Characters
The Girls- Brianna(9th Grader), Mariana(11thgrader) Gracie(11th Grader) Kimberly- (9th Grader) Jessica(11th Grader) Diana(9th Grader) Crystal(Berenice)-(9th Grader)

The Boys- Alex(9th Grader)- Zack(11th Grader)-Derrick(11th Grader)-Jared(9th Grader)-Sam(9th Grader)- Nick(9th Grader)- Joe(11th Grader)

Plot: Believe in stuff thats out of the ordinary, unreasonable decisions and consequences, people belive stuff and decide in others and what you want to say doesnt matter . Some say that you choose your own future and make your own choices in most cases ,yes but in some there is "the man" that chooses for you .

Misery in earth is more common just like violence its a common everyday thig does this earth have a fix???Are humans able to come up with a solution even if it means putting others at risk.
What happens when "the man" wants to put in charge and force teens who some dont know what being responsible means but wants to experiment how things go when a couple of teens have the responsibility to fix everything.

This is the story of a couple of teens that have been forced to fix everything that is wrong with this earth and stop the violence wich is like impossible.
When abilitys are given will it turn to a task into a childish game 4 some of them??
Will trust turn into treason??
Every decision can have a great aftershock even when nothing makes sense.


Lets take a look at the story and the "heroes"



Ok you have already been introduced to the characters and plot

Now for Chapter 1


CHAPTER1 - CLEARSKIES HIGH SCHOOL
(this is a private highschool wich is similar to a regular school
but this school has been chosen especially to look at the students and their personalitys for the good things that "the man " could use.
This school is not what you call safe and clean and specially in the location but yet it has a mystery in it even if the floors may be dusty and a little violent.


9th grade hall -passing period-math class


"You know what I cant understand...."Berenice said leaning against her locker lookin puzzled

"Whats that Beda?" Brianna asked putting on her makeup looking at herself in her locker mirror

"This school is called ClearSkies High school I understand the Highschool part but why call it clear skies when all we have is gray skies and rainy days and lockdowns 4 times a week" Berenice said puzzled .

" Hey just a normal day in texas and the city dallas and for our school and they probably had clear skies like 10 decades ago" Brianna told her finishing up and closing her locker.

" Probably and whats the use of the school being a private school if it just like a regular school

dirty with violence and hobos staying in the restroom"Berenice complained while she stared at brianna.

" Stop complaining beda , we live on earth what do you expect????" Brianna said while staring at nick her elementary school crush.

" Hey changing the subject theres nick" Berenice said noticing brianna staring at nick dazed in his eyes.

" So what?????"Brianna shrugged her shoulders coming to her sense noticing how obvious she was making it.
(nick looked over at brianna and smiled, brianna blushed)

" Brianna Elizabeth Ramos you cant fool me i've known you forever and your head over heels for him " Crystal pointing at Brianna with I know you like him smile

" Ok Berenice i will admit it yes i do but its just a crush " Brianna said blushing.

"Remember 5th grade" Crystal taunted her laughing while she poked brianna in her arm

" Remember when i hit you in the head?" Brianna asked with a smile.

" What you didnt hit me on the-( Brianna hit her in the head with her Textbook).

" Ooooow" Crystal cried rubbing her head

" Its your own fault he's scared of you since he saw you teach his brother and best friend a lesson" Crystal said.


" Hey its not my fault that i havent learned to manage my anger or anger" Brianna said


next chapter 2--- weird 11th graders

Mod edit: All-caps titles without reason are not permitted on YWS.

I see that you're new to YWS! Welcome! ^_^ Before someone else bugs you about this; we have a 2:1 rule about reviews and posts. For every one peice of work you put up for reviews, you need to review at least 2 works done by other people.

Okay, I did not read the plot bit for the simple reason that I a)don't want to kill the plot and b) feel that if I am going to be introduced to the characters, it needs to be in the story so I want to go forward with a clear mind.

"You know what I cant understand...."Berenice said leaning against her locker lookin puzzled.
cant -> can't
....-> First, there should only ever to 3 points, and since she is asking a question you should probably change it to a quesiton mark. =P

"Whats that Beda?" Brianna asked putting on her makeup looking at herself in her locker mirror

You're missing a period at the end of the sentence. You actually have that in a couple places, so I will just tell you now to go through this and check for missing periods. ^_^
I think you might have an 'and' or 'as she was' missing between makeup and looking.

"This school is called ClearSkies High school.[period!] I understand the Highschool part,[comma] but why call it Clear Skies [Is it ClearSkies or Clear Skies? You use both =P] when all we have is gray skies,[if you're listing, you only have an and on the last item] rainy days,[comma] and lockdowns 4[this should probably be changed to 'four'] times a week" Berenice said puzzled .

"Hey just a normal day in texas and the city dallas and for our school and they probably had clear skies like 10 decades ago" Brianna told her,[comma] finishing up and closing her locker.

You do this a couple places:
1) Capitals ont he names of places (Texas, Dallas)
2) You need a comma at the end of the quote ("...like ten decades ago," Briana told her....)
3) Again with the ennumeration (is that how it's spelt in english? =P). You say and this and that and this. try This, that, and this. Having that many ands will confuse people.

" Probably and whats the use of the school being a private school if it just like a regular school

dirty with violence and hobos staying in the restroom"Berenice complained while she stared at brianna.

" Stop complaining beda , we live on earth what do you expect?[just one quesiton mark, please. Use desciption to relay her tone],[comma]" Brianna said while staring at nick,[comma and capital on Nick] her elementary school crush.

" Hey,[comma] changing the subject,[comma, point comma or possible a double dash] theres nick,[comma! Check all your other sentences ot make sure you haven't left them out]" Berenice said noticing brianna staring at nick dazed in his eyes. [Capitals on the names!]

Okay, I will stop there and just give you what needs to be changed as a list.

1) Capitals on names, please. I'm pretty sure you can just use replace for that.
2) Periods at the ends of all your sentences. Some are missing those.
3) Comma at the end of quotes where you describe the action afterwards ("Hey," she said with a smile.)
4) Only one exclamation point. Always.

I'll leave my critique at that for now, since fixing those little grammar problems will make your story a lot easier to read. If you'd like a more in depth review of your writing (characters, description, plot) then please PM me and I will. Also PM me if you have any questions or need a critique one something else you've done.

^_^ Keek!

As requested, I'm back to give you some more. ^_^

Desccription: I think you could do a lot more of it. This piece is mostly just an exchange between the two girls, which in itself isn't bad. However, if you want to make it better I'd suggest you do more description. Here's a few things I'd try adding:
-Where they are in the school
-What the other students around them are doing
-The sounds (is it loud, quiet)
-Their tone and emotions. Possibly also facial expression
-Their postion. How close are they to each other, how are they standing? One is putting on her makeup, is the other leaning against the door, pacing around..?

Characters: Since this is a conversation, it's both hard and easy to get a feel for your characters. I get a feeling of their personalities and their relationship from what they say, but if you described their behavior a little better we could get to know them even better. Do they always have these kind of conversations? How long have they been going to this school that they are only just wondering about the name? How frequently does B(*inster rest of name here since I've suddenly forgotten) put on makeup? Does she care a lot about her looks? How much makeup is she putting on? Why isn't her friend doing the same? Describing their clothes might also help, especially if you relfect on why they wear them.

Plot: Not much has hapenned in the plot so far, so it's hard to critique it. However, since this is in the fantasy section I will point out that right now it seems a lot more like this could become a romance than a fantasy story (though it could be both =P). If this was just part of a chapter, it would be okay. But if it's the whole chapter then you need to consider this: what has happened in this chapter? Two friends had a conversation? Not much action there. it needs a bit more plot advancement to be called a chapter.

Telling: A lot of information about the school and the girls is shared through their conversation. I just wrote something where I did the same thing, so I wonder if you're having them say these things so you can set up the scene for us? You talk about the schools names, but I get the impression these girls have been here a long time, so I can't understand why they are only just talking about it. Unless it really bugs her? Another way of showing this might be to have the girls walking around and have a character look up, see the name of the school, and smile at the irony of the fact it's framed by a constantly grey sky. You don't have to, but because nothing else is hapenning right now it does feel a bit like an informaiton dump.

*reads your plot*

Okay. The plot looks good, though the whole 'bunch of teens get super abilities and must save the world' has been done and re-done a zillion times. I don't mean that in a bad way, I really love seeing how someone will take an idea that seems old and turn it into something new. Just wanted to give you a heads up so you can try and avoid cliche.

Your plot is obviously a little vague, so I can't give you too much advice on it. I like the whole aftershock idea. Very cool. =P My only tip might be not to spend too much time setting up the setting and just jump right into the action. Your story needs a hook, which I think it lacks right now. If this is how it starts, then what in this first little part makes me want to keep reading? It doesn't have to be that you start mid-plot or anything, but maybe the girls conversation is interupted by a fight, which would both show readers the violence as well as give you a chance to show how the main characters feel about it.

I hope some of this is helpful. =P If you have any quesiton, just PM me.

This looks really promising. Good luck with it!

^_^ Keek!

Hey there!

Ok. Here's the review you requested!

However, honestly speaking... I really doubt this is really considered a proper review.
Nevertheless... I'll type this down.

1. All names start with a capital letter. (eg. Brianna, Crystal.)

2. As Sleeping Valor has said... Periods at the end of sentences. (I'm guilty. I don't put periods at the end of my sentences too. Heh. So this is quite hypocritical.)

3. Sleeping Valor also mentioned this... Use only one exclamation point. ^^ Oh. And also, only one question mark.
If you want to stress on that word... How about trying this?
(eg. "So what?")

Well, I hope that this helps. In a little way.
My mind's in a muddle. Still.
So, I apologise for this really horrible review.

-Max.

Like others said, clearing up the spelling and grammar will make this a lot easier to read. I'm interested to see how the concept develops. I'm unsure about Crystal/Berenice though-she seems to alternate between the two names. Is it a double name, or a first and middle name combination? Unless I didn't read it right and it's two people.

But I also thought starting the story with something about "the man" would have been a good idea. It would really be attention-grabbing to have some chapters about "the man"-the reader will be curious as to whether he's good, bad or in-between. I'm thinking of him as a God-like figure, or even Fate.

However, this introduction also works well as the reader can start relating to the characters' lives and "ease into" the fantasy/action bits.