After Shock (Chapter 1)

Ok you have already been introduced to the characters and plot
Now for Chapter 1

CHAPTER1 - CLEARSKIES HIGH SCHOOL

(9th grade hall) ( passing period)

"You know what I cant understand...."Crystal(Berenince said)
"Whats that Beda?" Brianna asked
"This school is called ClearSkies High school I understand the Highschool part but why call it clear skies when all we have is gray skies and rainy days and lockdowns 4 times a week" Crystal(Berenice ) said puzzled .
" Hey just a normal day in texas and the city dallas and for our school and they probably had clear skies like 10 decades ago" Brianna told her.
" Probably and whats the use of the school being a private school if it just like a regular school
dirty with violence and hobos staying in the restroom"Crystal (berenice) complained.
" Stop complaining beda , we live on earth what do you expect????" Brianna asked.
" Hey changing the subject theres nick" Crystal(Berenice pointed out)
" So what?????"Brianna shrugged her shoulders.
" Brianna Elizabeth Ramos you cant fool me i've known you forever and your head over heels for him " Crystal pointed out.
" Ok Berenice i will admit it yes i do but its just a crush " Brianna pointed out blushing.
"Remember 5th grade" Crystal taunted her.
" Remember when i hit you in the head?" Brianna aked
" What you didnt hit me on the-( Brianna hit her in the head with her Textbook).
" Ooooow" Crystal cried.
" Its your own fault he's scared of you since he saw you teach his brother and best friend a lesson" Crystal pointed out.
" Yo its not my fault that i havent learned to manage my anger or anger" Brianna pointed out.

next chapter 2--- weird 11th graders
(please give me your review)

Mod edit: Removed excessive caps.

Hello Juju, and welcome to YWS! Let me start off by saying that it is in the YWS Rules that you must do a minimum of 2 critiques for every 1 literary work you post. Reviews will only count if they are 250 characters or more long (about 40-50 words). This rule is in place to ensure that everyone gets a quality critique.

Aw, where are my manners. My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today.

Darling, I hate to be blunt, but this is not a story. You have loads of dialogue and… not much else. Your grammar skills are nearly nonexistent. Let me point out a few things below:

(9th grade hall) ( passing period)

Honestly, if you want to give away setting in such a telling manner (showing versus telling… you always want to show), don’t put it in parenthesis. Put, “9th grade hall: Passing period.” Although really, stuff like this is just pretentious and boring.

"You know what I can’t understand?"Crystal(Berenince said)

Grammar corrections are in bold, and why is there another name and the word “said” in parenthesis? That’s just weird. How many books do you see that in?

"What’s that Beda?" Brianna asked.

After this would be a fabulous place to put in a bit of description. Where are they? Are they standing by their lockers? What noises are going on? Is there anyone around them? Describe the setting, and make sure you can feel it. The object is to make your reader feel like they’re in the hallway with your characters.

"This school is called Clear Skies High School [s]I understand the Highschool part but[/s]. Why call it Clear Skies when all we have is gray skies and rainy days? [s]and lockdowns 4 times a week[/s]" Crystal(Berenice ) said, puzzled.

All the strike-throughs? Get rid of those. Completely unrelated and are a common mistake for inexperienced writers – extra baggage.

"Hey just a normal day in [s]Texas and the city[/s] Dallas, [s]and for our school and they probably had clear skies like 10 decades ago[/s]" [s]Brianna told her.[/s]

When you only have two characters talking, you don’t need to mention their names after every single line of dialogue. Conversation generally alternates.

"[s]Probably and[/s] But what’s the use of the school being [s]a[/s] private [s]school[/s] if it just like a regular school; dirty with violence and hobos staying in the restroom." [s]Crystal (berenice) complained.[/s]

Okay, now you’re just depressing me. I realize you’re trying to introduce your characters and their setting, but there are better ways to do it than having your characters randomly angst.

"Stop complaining Beda, we live on Earth. What do you expect?" [s]Brianna asked.[/s]

Okay, the multiple question mark thing? Surefire way to make people think you’re an amateur. Never use multiple punctuation. Ever.

"Hey changing the subject – there’s Nick," Crystal[s](Berenice[/s] pointed out.

You seem to have a problem with capitalizing proper nouns. Names are always capitalized. Also, you need to learn to use an apostrophe – “theres” is not a word. “There’s” means “there is.”

"So what?[s]????[/s]"Brianna shrugged [s]her shoulders.[/s]

"Brianna Elizabeth Ramos you can’t fool me I've known you forever and you’re head over heels for him." [s]Crystal pointed out.[/s]

Quick grammar lesson:
Your = indicates possession. “That is your ball.”
You’re = you are. “You’re crazy.”
Also, “I” when used as a pronoun is always capitalized.

”Okay Berenice I will admit it. Yes I am but it’s just a crush," Brianna [s]pointed out[/s] said, blushing.

Is her name Crystal or Berenice? Make up your mind!

"Remember 5th grade?" [s]Crystal taunted her.[/s]

You always need punctuation at the end of your sentences. Again, you don’t need to identify who says every single line.

"Remember when I hit you in the head?" [s]Brianna aked[/s]

"What you didn’t hit me on the-“ [s]( Brianna hit her in the head with her Textbook).[/s]

…Why are you putting your action in parenthesis? It belongs in the narrative. Try something more like, “What? You didn’t hit me on the—ouch,” she said as Brianna hit her in the head with her textbook.

[s]" Ooooow" Crystal cried.[/s]

"It’s your own fault he's scared of you since he saw you teach his brother and best friend a lesson," Crystal pointed out.

In this case, it’s okay to identify who said this as it’s equally likely that either Crystal or Brianna would respond, and you need to tell your reader who did respond.

"[s]Yo[/s] It’s not my fault that I haven’t learned to manage my anger, [s]or anger[/s]" Brianna [s]pointed out.[/s] said.

Another quick grammar lesson –
Its = indicates possession. “That’s its bone.”
It’s = It is. “It is true.”
Also, divorce the phrase “pointed out.” You’ve used it SO many times. Stop it. They’re not pointing out anything, they’re just talking.

Again, this is not a story. There is no narration here, just a random and meaningless conversation. Go pick up a book and flip through it. When is it ever pure dialogue?
Learning by example is best. Study books that have already been published. Take close note of how the author introduces his or her characters, plot, setting, etc. in a way that grabs your attention and doesn’t let go. Did they jump right into the action? What questions do you have after reading the first chapter or so? What kind of sensory description was used? How did the author introduce the characters, and get you to care about them?

Keep in mind that your reader knows nothing about the story and it’s your job to fill them in. Give them everything – sensory description, narrative, etc. – to make them feel like they’re standing right next to your characters. Also, focus on where your story is headed. Right now I have no idea what’s going on. The only part that showed some promise was at the end, when one of your characters was hinting at having to manager her anger. What’s the backstory behind this? What is the reader going to find out? How can you hint more at that in the first few chapters?

Trust me, having two characters angst about their school and ramble about a cute boy does not a good introduction make.

Anyway! Learn by example, and ask yourself questions. And, of course, post on YWS! Insight from others is also extremely helpful. ^_^

Best of luck!
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

My apologies for what I'm about to say/type.

This chapter was full of dialouge. There wasn't any description of the school or anything. No introduction to the story. Just two people talking.

Well, the mistakes I spotted have already been pointed out.
Wait. Let me check one last time.

Yup. They've all been pointed out.

Alright then...

I got confused with the Crystal/Berenice thing. Why did you write it in this way?

Crystal(Berenice )

Why call her Crystal(Berenice) and have her friend, Brianna, call her Berenice? It does not make sense.

Oh. Ok. I have something for you.

I've written a little erm... What do you call it?
Ah. Let's just say that it is a story that I made, editing your current one.
I sincerely apologise for doing this, but I'd like you to see how to (more or less) start a story. My little edit isn't that great, so the best way would be to read a book and see how the author starts his/her story. (as Saint Razorblade has said.)

The ending was abrupt too.
So I worked on it. A little.
I didn't know your plot so I fumbled my way through the edit I wrote. So sorry. Please don't be mad.

Well then, here's the story that I wrote, editing the current one.
Hope it helps! (I didn't edit that much. It's more or less the same.)

You could have something of potential here. You just need to find a way to type it out.

PM me when your next chapter comes out. I'd like to read it. ^^

-Max.

That was very confusing for me. There were grammar mistakes that previous critiques have pointed out. But don't let my opinion bring you down. Keep working at it and you'll get it perfect

Just give me a wee message if there is anything else you want me to crit.

Luke