Elements chapter 1

Its been a while sense i have writen anything so i typed a part of my story idea that i have had for a while.

I woke in a familiar room. My entire body ached, my skin burning with raw heat. A low whimper escaped my lips, quieter than I had hoped because my swollen throat didn’t allow noise to escape.

I tried again. This time my voice came out as a high pitched keening. Nobody would be able to hear me. I felt as though I was stuck in one of those nightmares where you are so scared that you are paralyzed, and something terrible is going on behind you, but your body is frozen and no matter how hard you strain your eyes you cant see.

I felt tears spill out of the corners of my eyes, rolling in hot streams over my temples and disappearing into my hair. I couldn't feel anything. All I could feel was heat. My ears filled with static. Adrenalin pulsed through my veins, the tempo of my heartbeat increasing.

I thought that I heard bathwater running in the next room, but I couldn’t tell through the static that filled my ears. I searched blindly with my eyes but my vision became increasingly blurry. A black spot covered a part of my vision, then another, and another. They got bigger and bigger until I couldn’t see at all. My breath dragged, a crackly counterpart to the static that filled my ears.

I found myself in the air; the blistering heat dulled my senses, so I couldn’t tell exactly what was going on. My legs and arms were swinging in the air (I thought) and my head seemed to be hanging limply from my shoulders.

I felt my legs slide into something cold. I cried out in surprise, but couldn’t pull my legs away from the cold. It was so cold! It felt like emerging from fire and then being trapped in ice. Slowly my hips entered the cold, then my back and my shoulders. The cold fluid sloshed around me, so I guessed that it was water.

I whimpered breathlessly, unable to escape the freezing cold that caused my burning skin to prickle painfully. The cold poured over my face, entering my eyes. When the water entered my eyes, the black that covered my vision faded.

I gasped as my leg muscles contracted and wrung themselves. Gentle hands massaged my leg, relaxing the muscles. I sighed contently and opened my eyes.

Everything was extremely blurry, but I could still see. I was in a bathtub full of chilling water and ice cubes that bobbed and bumped against my body. I was in my soaked pajamas, and my skin was flushed red, as if every inch of my skin was badly sunburned.

My mother was leaning over the edge of the bathtub, gently kneading my calf.

"Mom?" I croaked, my voice sounding like sandpaper rubbing together. She turned to look at me and smiled.

I had always gotten along with my parents and naturally thought that they were nice looking people, but she was truly beautiful. She had shoulder length red hair, and rusty brown eyes. She could have been a model, but she had miraculously settled down with my father.

"Hello dear, that’s quite a fever you have there sweetheart." she said with a devious smile. I blinked, feeling a thousand times better than I had before. But wasn't she supposed to be worried, not happy?

"Um," was all I could say.

"Don’t worry honey. It will pass in a few minutes.” she said reassuringly. I sighed. The frigged water was uncomfortable but if it would get rid of this horrid fever, then I would gladly wait.

I thoroughly enjoyed this. Plenty of describing words! Good job!

Woo!

You use the word "static" in three consecutive paragraphs, one per paragraph. It makes the word stand out awkwardly, so change at least one of these words for a synonym or rephrase it.

And then right after that you use three "cold"s in one paragraph. Again, you need to substitute the word because it turns what is otherwise a very good paragraph into something awkward sounding.

This is very well-written. But I can't comment on anything else but writing style and errors... because there's really not a plot here yet. All I know so far is that this person suffered some sort of illness and has recovered at his/her mother's side. It definitely leaves a lot of questions... I'm sure there's fantasy involved somewhere.

So hopefully the next posting will have some plot.

Hey! thanks all, i was just bored out of my mind so i didnt really get far on this. To tell you the truth, im procrastonating on the story ive been trying to write for forever, so thanks for commenting.

I woke in a familiar room. My entire body ached, my skin burning with raw heat. A low whimper escaped my lips, quieter than I had hoped because my swollen throat didn’t allow noise to escape.

escape at the end of this scentence seemed redundant. I would probably rework that since after the comma it feels a bit awkward.

I felt tears spill out of the corners of my eyes, rolling in hot streams over my temples and disappearing into my hair. I couldn't feel anything. All I could feel was heat. My ears filled with static. Adrenalin pulsed through my veins, the tempo of my heartbeat increasing.

I'd changed the bold to: I couldn't feel anything except the heat.

My breath dragged, a crackly counterpart to the static that filled my ears.

Mentioning the static again felt unnecessary.

I felt my legs slide into something cold. I cried out in surprise, but couldn’t pull my legs away from the cold. It was so cold! It felt like emerging from fire and then being trapped in ice. Slowly my hips entered the cold, then my back and my shoulders. The cold fluid sloshed around me, so I guessed that it was water.

Cold was used WAY too many times. I would remove 'from the cold' and change the next scentence to 'It was freezing!' the sensation felt like ...

So I guessed I was in water felt weak to me as well. Maybe, from the way the icy flow of liquid flowed around my immobile limbs I came to understand I was within water. (sloshed implies movement and you've stated the character is paralyzed.)


You have a lot of repetive usage of words, try to play with different variations:

Cold - freezing, icy, frigid, frosty, chilled, etc

There were others as well but I can't pull them all out. When you read your paragraphs, if you see the same word pop up consecutively that means you need to replace it or rework the scentence so it is removed.

Its not bad, I think if you make the small corrections I mentioned it will flow with more ease.

Hi there! I really like this start! It sounds interesting, right away I started to understand your main character and get involved in your plotline. You did a nice job of creating an atmosphere, it made me feel anxious for the character right away.

I only have a few things you might want to look at, mostly grammar and word choice related:

but your body is frozen and no matter how hard you strain your eyes you cant see.

Oops, minor typo here: "cant" should be "can't"

Adrenalin pulsed through my veins, the tempo of my heartbeat increasing.

I'm not sure about this, but I always thought adrenaline had an "e" at the end of it? My spellchecker says both are correct, though, so I'm unsure.

my head seemed to be hanging limply from my shoulders.

... What else would your head hang from, your knees?

I felt my legs slide into something cold. I cried out in surprise, but couldn’t pull my legs away from the cold. It was so cold! It felt like emerging from fire and then being trapped in ice. Slowly my hips entered the cold, then my back and my shoulders. The cold fluid sloshed around me, so I guessed that it was water.

I whimpered breathlessly, unable to escape the freezing cold that caused my burning skin to prickle painfully. The cold poured over my face, entering my eyes. When the water entered my eyes, the black that covered my vision faded.

I think the other reviewers mentioned this, but kill the word "cold," please. All the repetition makes it very awkwardly noticeable, I kept putting random emphasis on the word whenever I'd read it. Also, you used the phrase "entering my eyes" twice in a row, to similar effect. I suggest something like:

I felt my legs slide into something cold. I cried out in surprise, but couldn’t pull my legs away from it. It was freezing! It felt like emerging from fire and then being trapped in ice. Slowly my hips entered the cold, then my back and my shoulders. The icy fluid sloshed around me, so I guessed that it was water.

I whimpered breathlessly, unable to escape the freezing liquid that caused my burning skin to prickle painfully. It poured over my face, entering my eyes. When the water got in, the black that covered my vision faded.

Also, generally keep in mind that you don't actually have to mention how cold the water is so often, your readers are smart enough to pick it up.

I had always gotten along with my parents and naturally thought that they were nice looking people, but she was truly beautiful. She had shoulder length red hair, and rusty brown eyes.

I think "nice-looking" and "shoulder-length" need to be hyphenated.

The frigged water was uncomfortable but if it would get rid of this horrid fever, then I would gladly wait.

I believe you mean "frigid"? XD

Anyway, nice job! I loved your way of describing things and the mood you created, and can't wait to find out what happens next. I'd like to read the rest, if there's more. ^_^

I really like this, it makes for a great beginning. I'm guessing that his mother knows something she's not telling. I get the feeling that this is a signigicant part of the book and would like to read more. Keep posting.

Hopefully you plan on continuing this story, or else i will be burning with questions for the time being. Where did she get the fever? Just a coincidence that her mother decided to settle down with her dad, or was there a reason behind it? Sorry, i always ask stupid questions that confuse everybody. But i really like the story, so keep it going .


P.S. You might want to describe the character a little better... i thought it was a girl, but obviously, others thought it was a boy. Just thought i would put in my say about that.

Hello

The other reviewers have already said quite a lot, haven't they?

My only additional suggestion would be to inject a sense of 'action' into the story. There is more tell than there is show in the first half (transition from hot to cold) and to my mind the MC doesn't seem quite worried enough. I would also vary the sentences; they follow a fairly simple but repetitive pattern for the first few paragraphs without any lyric effect. (That is, it doesn't really make a difference in rhythm when read out loud)

But the start is interesting.

Thank you for the read,
CainWalker

Very interested in reading more!

Thanks!

Thanks because I wasn't really able to find something to read to get points for reviewing (except the poems I read earlier) until I was able to find this post. The title "Elements" caught my attention but i don't know yet how you relate it with your story.

Though you had so many describing words in the start which is common for other stories here (I guess) which I always find boring, I continued reading because I wanted to know what's next.

So this character...I guess the character's a girl because her mom was leaning over the tub she was soaking in. I don't know...

Anyways, I'm looking forward to what's next

I don't know if you meant for almost every paragraph to begin with 'I [verb]' but it feels slightly formulaic and repetitive. Your grammar seems excellent, but try using a thesaurus if you are ever stuck for words (there are some very good online ones). But it was a good read, keep up the hard work!

You write really good descriptions! Cool way to frame the prospect of not knowing where you are, of feeling sensations without being able to see them. The little twist about the sickness at the end was decent. There doesn't seem to be any plot yet though, the story just kinda ends.

You have this long streak of staring every few sentences with the word 'I'. It's kind of stale after a while. Rearrange the order of some of those sentences and spice up your sentance beginnings and I think it'll read better.

You've got really good metaphors and command of language but this story kinda lacks direction. Understandably its the first chapter so I'll cut you slack. Nice job!