Icy Paths - Prologue

Hmm... interesting. You might want to put more emotion into Lily's reaction of seeing her brother being cut down.

There's two ways you can make this chapter work:

A) Keep this as the prologue and write the next few chapters as flashbacks to her life before the chaos started.

B) Turn this into a later chapter and have the previous chapters depict her life before the soldiers came.

Hmmm...I read the revised version and it was definitely better then the first draft. But their are still a few things I would like to suggest.

The character that we are first presented with is fairly flat. Her thoughts seem, for the most, cliche and obvious. She is afraid because she is running away, afraid for her family, afraid for herself...etc. If you want to make the story more compelling and original try to make her thoughts more intriguing, give her some conflict. For instance, perhaps she isn't entirely just sad for her family, maybe their is someone in her family who she has a secret hatred for who she will be glad dies in the turmoil. Or maybe there is a particular person who she is thinking about, imagining how exactly they reacted to the soldiers attacking. Those are just my suggestions to make the character more original and interesting.

Most of the description wasn't very vivid, alot of the words sounding familiar and boring. Try to really make the scene visible to the reader through the composition and word choice. For instance, instead of just saying this, "She screamed in agony.", describe exactly how it felt in a more detailed way. Also, instead of just saying she jumped over 'corpses', describe what the corpses looked like. This also applies to the where you say she keeps 'splashing in pools of blood', instead of just saying that, describe how disgusted this made her feel, what the pools of blood reminded her of...etc.

I found the story interesting and I definitely think you should continue. You kept the reader in suspense and caused them to want to know what happened next. Good job and keep writing. ^_^

"No one answered. The soldiers exchanged glances, while Lily, out of the corner of her eye, saw a house getting burnt. "
instead of 'a house getting burnt', perhaps you could say 'a burning house'?

other than that, the second one was better(obviously). that was VERY heavy revising, though. if that continues throughout the whole story, i think you're going to be in trouble. whenever my stories seem to have gaping holes left and right, i start over or call it quits. still, this is just the prologue.

also, i would have just edited the first post instead of posting the revised version separately. reading the unedited version, while it wasn't too bad here since the original was short, is kind of annoying.

Thanks, guys! I really appreciate the critique.

Hello!
I love this story and i can't wait to see where it goes! You can bet i will be watching for the next chapter, this prologue definetly got me excited!
I think that the only thing i can critique you on is the ending paragraph:


"The gates of Byeran, the village, weren’t far now. Lily ran as fast as she could, and soon, she was out of the gates. Out of the chaos, and into a little shelter and safety. She leaned against the gate, panting heavily.

“Magic is more powerful than speed will ever be.” A voice said. (Where did the voice come from? What did it sound like? Was it familiar?)


Lily looked behind her. The only thing she saw was a bright flash of light, before she fell to the ground."


Ok, the problem with this is that it's VERY rushed. Then what kind of gates? Why are there gates? What kind of shelter was it? Why was it there? How was it a shelter? How was she safe? Didn't anyone see her leave?
Just start asking yourself those kinds of questions and this story will be perfect! I can't wait to hear what happens next!

The prologue was interesting it sounds like it could be a good premise for a story.

I find it all very fast, if that was your aim then I guess what I say doesn't matter lol Alot of things happened in a short space of time. And quite a few characters were introduced in only a couple of lines. Just as I was getting used to Lily then Jake was introduced.

A tip for writing dialogue I always found helpful was not to always to write it in perfect english (unless of course your character calls for it) this often helps to build character and adds a certain naturalistic feel. Try reading the dialogue out to yourself it helps to see if it flows. I personally like dialogue that flows you may not

I also like to make character profiles to flesh out my characters more so I know what they are like and how they would respond to certain situations. I found after I started making character profiles my characters seemed more alive. I usually do the name, how they look, their personality, their circumstances (where they live, etc.).

Perhaps instead of the characters of the guards revealing that Rhen Braker is wanted Lily could be running and see wanted posters and then you could introduce the guards later. This could give you time to describe more of the surroundings

This was my first review so I hope I didn't come across too mean! I look forward to seeing more of your writing, you definitely have good ideas and I want to know why she died and just who the heck is Rhen Braker lol

Hi beckiw! I'm so flattered I was your first review, lol. But the plot and everything of this story is totally different now. Do you mind checking out the new prologue?

I have to say that I really like your story. You have a good beginning here and I will definitely continue reading.
You do need to clarify Lily's death though. I don't understand how the apple killed her, it says that Coal got it straight off the tree.
-Point

Thanks Critical_Point! I've redone the prologue, changed the story completely though.

All in all, I really enjoyed this. However, this doesn't make any sense and doesn't fit in with the rest of the context:
Her hair fanned out behind her as she ran; her eyes took in the chilling sight around her: bodies lay in piles, soldiers fought off villagers, and houses burning.
In my opinion, you should leave this out, or replace it with something else instead....for I thought Coal was pushing her roughly, then you said she was running. But it is a HUGE improvement from the first piece. Also, try to fit in a description of the girl the men are seeking..Rhen; if I'm not mistaken. The last bit sounded a bit akward to me as well; I mean, you can't pluck an apple from a tree that is already drugged so that the girl sleeps. I think it would be more suited if you said that he handed her something to drink; or include magic in the second piece, invent a few "mgical words" and therefore Coal summons a "drugged" apple by magic which he forces her to eat. Continue writing and good luck! This was a really intriguing and fantastic prologue!

It's a little cliche, if only because this type of beginning is so often used. Try not to put all of the action into one sentence, or in a single paragraph. It begins to sound like a grocery list, making it lose a lot of the suspense. Stretch it out over a period of time, for example making her see a soldier kill someone, so you get the impression that it is also happening elsewhere. It doesn't mean you have to make every event singular, but it sounds better than something like, 'Everywhere she looked soldiers were killing and burning everything in sight.' :/