Evil Angel- Chapter One

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Chapter One:

My childhood was spent blowing the fragile white seeds of
daffodils into the wind. Giving them my wishes, and setting them free. The
stretch of green field, mixed with yellow and purple accents thanked me by
making more, and more until it was overflowing with unshed wishes.

It took me years to realize that the wishes never came true.
They were just one more lie to believe, like Santa Clause, or happy
endings; a lovely but impossible religion. More determined than ever I
returned to the field every day, wished the same thing, every day, and
waited for my wish to come true.

Don’t let me be alone, I wished. Yet still, I spent my life in
solitude, one day blending into the next with a monotony that soon burned
into a fiery hatred of the flowers I once wished my life on.

I stopped going to the field. Stopped asking for miracles, and
gave up on dreams until one day, every single daffodil was dead, and the
field was mine once more.



They were all the school had been talking about for days. It was
always like that though, new kids came, and for the week before they did
everybody already knew almost everything about them. These kids were
different though. Nobody knew anything about them at all, and that,
seemed to make it so much worse.

Normally, I didn’t care either. I kept to myself, as always. Went
to class, did my homework, and lived mostly invisible, but it wasn’t all bad.
It enabled me to sneak off to the field whenever I wanted, and it made it so
that I could do what I wanted, and nobody would say anything about it. For
some reason, when my classmates started talking about Kyra and Jacob
Zyter, I was intrigued.

“I heard they just got out of juvenile hall for conspiring to kill
their parents,” Heather said. She and Mia sat across from me in study hall,
and were the biggest talkers in my grade. They never talked to me, unless
of course they were asking for help.

“Really?” Mia asked, shocked. “And they’re allowed to come here
after that?”

“I guess so. Ms. Kendal couldn’t turn them down without making
the school look bad.”

That was just one of the story’s I had heard. Nobody cared what
they said around me, I was just like the chairs, and furniture doesn’t talk.
Some thought they weren’t brother and sister, but a married couple from
some other country, others thought they were supposed to check on how the
school was run, and still others thought they were the normal case of dead
parents and relatives that didn’t want them.

“Poor Ms. Kendal,” Mia said, shaking her head slowly.

“I wonder if anybody knows how they killed their parents,”
Heather said wistfully. “Hey, Anica?”

My head snapped up from studying. I had a test in Advanced
Biology after lunch, and still wasn’t perfectly solid on genetic distribution.

“Yeah?”

“Do you have the homework for world history done?” She asked.

My heart sank. I knew it was coming, but still, every time
somebody actually wanted to talk to me on purpose, I couldn’t help but
hope it was something other than school work.

“Yeah,” I said, trying not to sound too disappointed. I handed
her the worksheet and went back to studying. Just another day in study hall.

At twelve fifteen we were excused for lunch. Heather and Mia left,
promising that I would get the worksheet back in class. I didn’t have time to
protest, so I didn’t bother.

Living at a year-round boarding school has it’s downfalls. Major
downfalls. For example: the same lunch options every day, for your entire
life. I got a tuna sandwich, apple slices, potato chips, and a carton of milk
and sat down at the table where I normally sat. From the corner I could
watch pretty much the entire cafeteria, if I wanted to. Nobody could sneak
up behind me, because there was a wall, and I had the most solitude.

I watched the room fill up while I ate. Groups met, high five-ing,
hugging, and smiling. Some ate, some did homework, and some just sat
and socialized. I finished my sandwich, chips and milk, and put the bag of
apple slices in my bag. Nobody saw as I left the building, or went around the
back of the girls building, or jumped the fence. I was alone, and there was
the field.

As far as I know, I’m the only person who knows about it. It’s
not some well kept secret so much as, you would only find it if you were
trying to get out. I’m the only one who found it, and kept going back. It
isn’t the most beautiful, or special field I’d ever seen. The grass wasn’t as
green as the one on school grounds, or the flowers as perfect. There’s just
something about having something all to yourself that makes it worth
coming back to over and over again.

There was a tall tree off to the side, with branches low enough to
climb up, and enough to limbs to support me as I climbed to a spot where
the limbs connected, forming a seat-like structure. I took my biology notes
out of my book bag and studied while eating the remaining apple.

At two thirty I went to the girls dorm. Most of the number 99’s
and up were hanging out there, watching TV or studying. I climbed up to the
second floor, room eleven. None of my roommates were there, but I’d seen
at least two of them downstairs. I quickly exchanged my books and
notebooks, putting things back in the shelves neatly, along with my few
other possessions. On the way out I stopped in front of my reflection in the
mirror hanging on the door.

My uniform was the same as everybody else’s, white button up
shirt, and black or blue bottoms (in my case navy blue pants). My hair was
wavy, and fell halfway down my back. It looked messy, like it could stand a
good brushing, if I ever got around to it. My eyes were wide, and plain, no
makeup on my face, letting the brown freckles show like unwelcome ink
spots. There were few things I thought were extraordinary about my
appearance, like my eyes, which were deep, almost grassy green, different
than anybody else’s I’d ever seen, or my teeth, which were just sharp
enough that when I accidentally bit my lip, I drew blood. None of this
mattered, however. I wasn’t a beautiful blonde with perfect straight hair and
blue eyes, or a curvy brunette, or a fiery redhead. I was painfully plain in
every way that mattered.

The door opened and I yelled in surprise. Samantha walked in,
blue eyes wide.

“Damn, you scared me,” she said.

“Like-wise,” I replied, lowering my hand from where it rested
over my now calming heart.

“See you around,” she said, walking to her bed, grabbing an
envelope and walking right back out.

“See you,” I said as the door closed in her wake. I checked my
watch, and hurried off to Advanced Biology. Afternoon classes were starting.

I thanked myself for studying while I took the test, only missing
a few. We took a few notes after, and then went to our next classes. In my
case, world history. One of my least favorite subjects.

Heather handed me back my homework, smiled and went back
to sit with Mia. Things never changed. After world history I went to the
library, where I ‘worked’.

Mr. and Mrs. Hart were the librarians, and they were my two
favorite staff members at the school.

“Anica,” Mrs. Hart said, opening her arms for a hug as I walked
through the door. I smiled automatically, hugging her quickly. “You’re going
to be very happy,” she told me, walking into the back room.

“Why?” I asked, following. She was always right about those
kinds of things.

“We got in a new shipment,” she said, “and a few of them were
from your list.”

“That’s awesome!” I exclaimed as we approached a table where
Mr. Hart was adding the new books to inventory.

“Just in time,” Mr. Hart said, winking. “Want to help me get
these ready for the shelves.”

“Of course,” I said, sitting down. Mrs. Hart smiled and left the
room, as the sounds of a class walking in summoned her.

Mr. Hart and I spent the next hour and a half writing down titles
and authors, taping up the bindings, and preparing the books to be put up
on the shelves. Working in the library was usually the highlight of my day.
Mr. and Mrs. Hart were the only people who seemed to know I existed, and
were the closest thing I had to family.

At seven, Mr. Hart looked up at the clock. “Oh, wow,” he
said, “time sure fly’s when you’re working with books doesn’t it. You should probably be getting to dinner before it gets put away.”

I said my goodbyes, grabbed my book bag, and hurried to the
cafeteria. That’s when I saw them for the first time.

Kyra and Jacob Zyter stood at the front of the cafeteria as Mr.
Kendal introduced them. I managed to slip in, unnoticed by everybody,
except for the two siblings standing up in front. Kyra and Jacob’s identical
eyes followed me to where I sat. Their eyes were a light color I couldn’t
make out from the back of the room, but reminded me of a really light
gray.

Kyra’s hair was long, blonde, and straight. Her skin was pale and
flawless, and everything about her screamed perfect. Jacob was the same,
messy golden hair falling into his eyes, and male model-esq features. They
looked almost too perfect.

When Mr. Kendal was finally done with the introductions, Kyra
and Jacob were set free to sit wherever. It was the moment of truth, and an
old tradition. As they walked, anybody who wanted would offer them a seat
at the table, and they would either accept or decline. Their decision would
effect the rest of their time at Skyrian Cross.

They walked down the stairs, and sure enough, were offered
seats at pretty much every table they walked by. When they realized that
everybody was going to offer them a spot they stopped, and seemed to
understand the system.

Damn, they’re quick. I thought. Jacob whispered something to
Kyra, and they continued walking, the entire room’s eyes following as they
sat at an empty table.

Idiots, I thought. That had been my exact reaction when I
arrived here ten years ago. Their table was close enough to me that I could
see that the color of their eyes was actually a light, almost lilac color. It was
the strangest color I had ever seen on any human before.

When the room settled down, I finally got my dinner. It was
watery lasagna and diet coke. Kyra and Jacob weren’t eating. They were
talking, quietly enough that nobody could hear them, and seemingly
unaware that half of us were still watching them.

Finally, more and more people lost interest. Most left, as usual,
and before I realized it Kyra, Jacob and I were the only people left in the
cafeteria. I checked my watch. It was eight. Too late to go to the field, for
the sole purpose that it was about the time I normally got back. I may be
invisible to most, but draw attention, and people will eventually see you.

Kyra whispered something, and both of them looked at me. I
ducked my head, realizing that I was blushing like crazy. I stood up to
quickly, bumping my leg hard again the table.

“Crap!” I exclaimed, almost sitting back down. When the
throbbing in my thigh stopped I grabbed my empty tray and book bag,
threw away my trash and hurried out of the room, aware that Kyra and Jacob
were watching me the whole time.

“You’re such and idiot,” I said to myself as I walked to the girls
dorm. “You should have left at a normal time. Anybody could see that you
were obviously watching them.”

I held my bracelet under the scanner at the gate to the girls
dorm. The scanner picked up the signal in it, and my name popped up. I
entered my security code, and the gate slowly opened.

Ms. Davis, the house mother, was taking role when I entered the
house. She looked up through her glasses, eyes confused, and looked back
down at her role.

“Name please,” she said. After ten years you would expect them
to remember small things like that.

“Anica Smith,” I said.

“You’re late,” Ms. Davis said, marking me on her clipboard.

I mumbled an apology and went up to my room. Some days
being ignored and forgotten came in handy, and other day’s, it just plain
sucked.

___________________________________
A work in progress, of course. It's only fantasy because later in the book it becomes about [spoiler]vampires[/spoiler]
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett




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Hello!!!
I almost didn't read this because it was so long, but I started reading it anyway and got really into it. I really like your writing style and your story has a lot of potential, but when I was reading it I felt like something was missing and it's really bugging me because I can't pinpoint what it is. I almost feel when I'm reading it like this is something I've read before (probably because I'm an obsessed twilight fan and whenever I read books like this I automatically think of the scene in the cafeteria when the Cullens are first spotted). But other than that you definitely caught my interest and I enjoyed reading it.




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I got to the point where she firet sees 'them' and i coldn't read anymore sorry...my atention span doesn't strech that well....
-em
We've all been broken in some way. It's just how we express it that makes us dffrent form eachother.

“This precious book of love, this unbound lover,
To beautify him only lacks a cover.”
~William Shakespeare, The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet




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Thanks for reading it Gene, that's a compliment. Um, about what was missing, I kind of felt that while I was writing it, but I wasn't quite sure what it was. I mean, I've re-written the first chapter a few times, and finally got a little into it, so it's an improvement comparitively. What I thought was missing is when most people read books, the main character has friends, and from that you can see the person easier, I think. Most of my characters in the past have had friends, or other characters that they've talked to before, and therefore were more developed. I can't seem to think of a way to develop her without other characters. Tips are invited. ;D

Amber- Um...thanks for reading...I guess? I don't know, I mean, if you didn't really finish reading it, why post at all? Was it your attention span, or was something missing from the story and you got bored? If so I would really like to know so I can fix it. Please, I'm looking for critiques, not knowledge of your attention span. No offense.

-JC
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett




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Hey JC! The new book? Excellent.

The first four paragraphs were great. I really loved the description of the field etc, nice to draw the reader in.

It was always like that though, new kids came, and for the week before they did
everybody already knew almost everything about them.

A confusing sentence and I'm not sure what you are trying to say. Consider rephrasing?

Went to class, did my homework, and lived mostly invisible, but it wasn’t all bad.

I think the second comma is a bit dodgy and that this sentence can be broken up or changed as it just isn't....fitting. Read it out loud and you might see what I mean. It isn't up to the standard of your writing.

It isn’t the most beautiful, or special field I’d ever seen. The grass wasn’t as green as the one on school grounds, or the flowers as perfect. There’s just something about having something all to yourself that makes it worth coming back to over and over again.

I liked this but your tenses get confused here. 'It isn't', 'the grass wasn't' and 'there's'.

I thanked myself for studying while I took the test, only missing
a few

A few....what?

Kyra and Jacob Zyter stood at the front of the cafeteria as Mr.
Kendal introduced them.

To add suspense, and because this is a good sentence, I think you could maybe not mention their names before this point. That way we are suddenly revealed who 'they' are.

Their eyes were a light color I couldn’t
make out from the back of the room, but reminded me of a really light
gray.

A lot of repetition here, with the previous sentence as well.

Overall a very good start, hardly an mistakes. The only thing is that it's screaming out 'Twilight' and you need to keep it as original as possible. If it will turn out to be fantasy of that sort I suggest you read Dracula for a different take on things, perhaps.

All the best and keep it up,
Alainna
xxx
Sanity is for the unimaginative.

Got YWS?




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Very good. Bravo. I relly enjoy your writing style. I like Anica's character; her take on her invisability is well-written. Loved the first few paragraphs about the feild and the unfullfilled wishes. Beautifully written.
I have a few issues with comma placing, but I'm not the expert in grammer so I wont correct you when I could be completely wrong.
Now I agree with Alainna when she said it sounded similar to Twilight, but it's okay to reuse a few ideas here and there. But you don't want people to think that you are a cloner, so my advice is that you weave in some different ideas about the vampires. Go onto google, type in 'vampires' and read up on all the weird and wonderful things that pop up. Gaurenteed that you'll find some ideas to seperate your story and Stephenie Meyer's
Keep it up! I look forward to the next installment :-)
The problem with falling for the enemy is that you can't take them anywhere ~a Titleless Tale




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Hello. I've noticed that you have a talent for description and detail. You've done a good job on both counts from what I've read that's yours. I found no problem with this, and I'm sorry because I know that it's not helpful. What can I say? You have a good start here. Good dialogue, character development, etc.

Waiting to see more. Can't wait to get to the part about the... uh, you know. The spoiler hint.




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Okay, um...to save myself from sounding trite, let me say one thing about Kyra and Jacob Zyter- They aren't full vampires.

They're fledlings, which basically means that they're in the first 25 or so years of being a vampire. It's during this time that they grow aversions to holy items, food, sun, and start to experience blood lust. That's going to be explained later, but I'll try to make it less Twilight-esq. Thanks for pointing that out to me. ;)

-JC
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett




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Hey! Everybody, thanks for reading chapter one! I'm just here to let you know that I just recently posted chapter two. It would be amazing if you critiqued it ;D

Thanks so much!

-JC
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett




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geneevies wrote:Hello!!!
I almost didn't read this because it was so long, but I started reading it anyway and got really into it. I really like your writing style and your story has a lot of potential, but when I was reading it I felt like something was missing and it's really bugging me because I can't pinpoint what it is. I almost feel when I'm reading it like this is something I've read before (probably because I'm an obsessed twilight fan and whenever I read books like this I automatically think of the scene in the cafeteria when the Cullens are first spotted). But other than that you definitely caught my interest and I enjoyed reading it.


Same. It's so similar to Twilight. The all-too-perfect godliness of the siblings and the strange way they kept to themselves. Or maybe I'm just too addicted to the series :P.

Still, I loved your story. I'd probably buy it if I found this in a store. Except... You weren't very consistent with your tense. It switched from past to present. Especially noticeable when you were describing the field when she ate the chips.

Besides that,

At seven, Mr. Hart looked up at the clock. “Oh, wow,” he
said, “time sure fly’s when you’re working with books doesn’t it. You should probably be getting to dinner before it gets put away.”


wrong spelling.

Anyway, I loved your story. I'm going to read the second chapter right now :P
They tell me I'm a lazy lump of waste.

I'm just too humble to show them my genius :D

Want a review? PM me!




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Nice. No mistakes or anything, but I have a couple of comments.

They were all the school had been talking about for days.


It took me many times to figure out this sentence and what it meant. It might have just been that I'm tired, but it's probably not a good thing.

story’s


This should be stories.

Most of the number 99’s


99's? What's that?

I think you need to work on showing instead of telling. Most of this I read, nodding and going, yes, but that's boring. For example,

My uniform was the same as everybody else’s, white button up
shirt, and black or blue bottoms (in my case navy blue pants). My hair was
wavy, and fell halfway down my back. It looked messy, like it could stand a
good brushing, if I ever got around to it. My eyes were wide, and plain, no
makeup on my face, letting the brown freckles show like unwelcome ink
spots. There were few things I thought were extraordinary about my
appearance, like my eyes, which were deep, almost grassy green, different
than anybody else’s I’d ever seen, or my teeth, which were just sharp
enough that when I accidentally bit my lip, I drew blood. None of this
mattered, however. I wasn’t a beautiful blonde with perfect straight hair and
blue eyes, or a curvy brunette, or a fiery redhead. I was painfully plain in
every way that mattered.


This bit really is quite boring. You're a talented writer, I'm sure you can make it sound much better.

Apart from that, I quite like this, and I'd like to see how it develops, so I'm going to go and read chapter two now.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*




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Hey there JC, sorry that I haven't reviewed this earlier, I was busy.

My heart sank. I knew it was coming, but still, every time
somebody actually wanted to talk to me on purpose, I couldn’t help but
hope it was something other than school work.


Hrmm I'm not really a fan of "my heart sank". You have some very interesting character developments happening before it, but "my heart sank" seems a bit cliche. I guess I can let it go, since this is in first person.

There was a tall tree off to the side, with branches low enough to
climb up, and enough to limbs to support me as I climbed to a spot where
the limbs connected, forming a seat-like structure.


Omit "to".

My uniform was the same as everybody else’s, white button up
shirt, and black or blue bottoms (in my case navy blue pants). My hair was
wavy, and fell halfway down my back. It looked messy, like it could stand a
good brushing, if I ever got around to it. My eyes were wide, and plain, no
makeup on my face, letting the brown freckles show like unwelcome ink
spots. There were few things I thought were extraordinary about my
appearance, like my eyes, which were deep, almost grassy green, different
than anybody else’s I’d ever seen, or my teeth, which were just sharp
enough that when I accidentally bit my lip, I drew blood.


I like how you used the mirror to show to us as to how the character looks. It really gives us a strong picture of who she is and develops her character more. Kudos!

Overall impressions:

I quite liked this. I noticed that you spent quite a bit on developing both the appearance of your character and her own thoughts and feelings. It was quite well done and gave me a good idea of who Anica is. For a vampire fledgling, I have some sympathy for her. (Love the daffodil metaphor to develop her character!)

I really don't have much beef with this piece. Everything flowed so well and is relevant to the plot and with Anica too. I'm actually quite interested as to where this will go. I think I can say two things.

1. Though your main character is quite well developed, your other characters are kinda flat at the moment. Though this is only the first chapter, I wasn't really expecting another rounded character besides Anica.

2. The concept of this seems rather safe. By that, I mean it isn't particularly original (has that Twilight sort of vibe to it) A teenage vampire girl who faces some conflicts which are school related...it's not really original, but the writing and character development in it is good and I love the direction of this.

Overall, I liked this. Anica is very realistic and though she isn't really pretty by today's standards, she is pretty in my eyes and a main character that I could relate to. Therefore, I'm giving you a gold star.

Well done!

Andy.

P.S: I think I'll go check out chapter 2 soon. For a vampire story, this is pretty gangster so far 8)
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."




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At first I was gonna skip this cuz it seemed really long, but I eneded up reading the whole thing. I really liked it and hope you continue the story soon. I'm really interested in the new kids who showed up and what that's gonna bring to the table




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A teenage vampire girl who faces some conflicts which are school related


lol. Anica isn't a vampire, fledgeling or otherwise. =D, but thank you for the critique, Fayth.
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett



The man who never makes a mistake always takes orders from one who does.
— Anonymous