vampire to the death... ch. 1

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ch 1
_______________________________________________________________________
He popped in out of thin air as the girl slept. One of her hands was over her neck as she slept on her side. She knew of the risk.....the boy walked up to her and slowly slid her hand off her neck. He wondered why his master wanted this girl. He bent down and took a whiff of her sweet smelling blood. It smelled rich,from being corked for so long. The girl turned over and her eyes fluttered sleepily open. The boy did the first thing that came to mind...he kissed her. Her eyes quickly closed and she breathed evenly. The boy stayed low as he brushed the girls hair from her neck. He hissed and sank away at the sight of a shiny, liquid blue cross. The girl turned over on her back again. The boy stopped and walked back over to her. She looked from one second pleasant to the next as having a bad dream as she started trembling. The boy about tryed to sooth her and then decided not to when the girl simultaneously grew claw like finger nails that were short but razor sharp and grabbed her neck clamping down. The short nightmare was soon over and the girl returned to her original position.

'This girl has enough problems as it is right now' the boy thought to himself as he walked to the other side of the bed.

The girl released her clenching hand and it fell palm open on the bed and pulled the other close to her chest.

The boy did not disturb the girl as he layed down on the bed, using her hand as a pillow as he stared at her.

.....................

When the girl woke up she was very astounded. A boy-a complete stranger-was on her bed laying down staring at her curiously. She used her first reaction and pushed the boy. She thought the boy would fall over the edge of the tiny bed but instead he disappeared. She took a dagger from under her pillow. She flipped over and out of the bed. The boy was right in front of her. "Are you...."the girl tryed to ask but failed. The boy tilted his head side ways at her. She wasn't going to take any of it and pushed him against the wall with her freed arm and held the dagger at the boy's gut.

"Open your mouth." she said. The boy looked back.

"Open your mouth!" she said in a commanding tone.

The boy opened his mouth slowly and sure enough his canines were sharper than a regular humans. "Vampire." the girl gasped as she took a step back, dropping the dagger. The boy closed his mouth and looked back curiously. "What do you want?" the girl asked as her hands began to tremble.

"My master wants you." the boy said in a charming, unique voice. He bowed."My name is Sentri."

"I'm sorry Sentri, but I want nothing to do with vampires right now." the girl said finally looking at Sentri's posture as she sat down. He was almost like an angel. He wore a plain out fit and an his arm was a strap that held an ipod. One of the buds had fallen out of his ear. His hair was a flowing bronze color and his eyes were a crimson red.

"May I have your name?" Sentri asked sitting down beside the girl. The hand closest to him grew the sharp claws.

"You look hungry." the girl said trying to change the subject.

"Your name?" the boy pressed.

"Crimson red...the girl noted.

"Names are important!" the boy veered looking strait into the girl's eyes.

"Sataru Gekido."the girl said looking back at the boy with a piercing rage.

Sentri stared at her for a second."The one who's parents were killed by vampires?"he asked,Sataru answered with a growl."And now you loathe vampires?"he asked.

"Yes."Sataru answered a little more in control.

"Oh and yes to the other thing you asked. I am hungry but it can wait."Sentri said giving Sataru a quick smile. His fangs were bared but not purposely.

"I'll be nice for once."Sataru sighed."Come with me."She got up and walked out of her room with Sentri trailing her. When she reached the dining room/kitchen room she pulled out a chair , motioning Sentri to sit down. She got a cup and a knife. She sat down next to Sentri. He looked at her questioningly. She slowly put her fist over the cup. She opened her hand and slid the knife point across her palm. Blood swelled out of the wound and fell into the cup. She set the knife down and picked up the cup with her bleeding hand and held it out to Sentri. He looked at her astounded.She put the glass to his lip s and poured it into his half open mouth.

When he found the taste his hands flew up and clamped around Sataru's hand and the cup.He drank every last drop in the cup. He followed the trail of blood-as the cup fell to the flour and shattered-to her open wound. He cleaned up her wound pretty nicely and ;trailed his nose up to her neck.


.........................................................................................................

Sataru froze. Sentri found her neck...the hairs on the back of her neck stood up and her heart beat quickened.He surprised her by kissing it and pulling away.Sentri's eyes were now a burgundy. He smiled quickly revealing that his fangs weren't quite as long.

........................................

Sataru pushed her chair away from the table as her feet crunched on the glass. She stood up and the glass broke her skin.

Sentri looked over as she walked over the glass, blood dripping from her feet, as she walked back to her bedroom. He reluctantly got up and followed. When he reached Sataru's bedroom door she was sitting on her bed, rubbing her head.

"What happened?-Ow!" she said as she moved her feet. Sentri sat down beside her.

"Turn over on your stomach,"he said. She did as she was commanded. He picked up one of her feet and started pulling out the glass.

_______________________________________________________________________
*end of ch 1 yes it is kinda rusty but I haven't gone over the first few chapters since I started writting this story. It will have a few characters from other books including animated books...*
-em
Last edited by myfreindsavamp on Wed Apr 30, 2008 4:40 am, edited 3 times in total.
We've all been broken in some way. It's just how we express it that makes us dffrent form eachother.

“This precious book of love, this unbound lover,
To beautify him only lacks a cover.”
~William Shakespeare, The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet




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I. NITPICKS

ambercoultis wrote:He popped in out of thin air as the girl slept. One of her hands was over her neck as she slept on her side. She knew of the risk.....the boy walked up to her and slowly slid her hand off her neck. He wondered[b] why his master wanted this girl. He bent down and took a [b]whiff of her sweet smelling blood. It smelled rich,from being corked for so long. The girl turned over and her eyes fluttered open sleepily. The boy did the first thing that came to mind...he kissed her. Her eyes quickly closed and she breathed evenly. The boy stayed low as he brushed the girls hair from her neck. He hissed and sank away at the sight of a shiny, liquid blue cross. The girl turned over on her back again.The boy stopped and walked back over to her. She looked from one second pleasant to the next as having a bad dream as she started trembling. The boy tried to soothe her and then decided not to when the girl simutaneously grew claw like finger nails that were short but razor sharp and grabbed her neck clamping down. The short nightmare was soon over and the girl returned to her original position.


'This girl has enough problems as it is right now' the boy thought to himself as he walked to the other side of the bed.



The boy did not disturb he girl as he laid down on the bed, using her hand as a pillow as he stared at her.


When the girl woke up she was very astounded. A boy-a complete stranger-was on her bed laying down staring at her curiously. She used her first reaction and pushed the boy. She thought the boy would fall over the edge of the tiny bed but instead he [b]disappeared. She took a dagger from under her pillow. She flipped over and out of the bed. The boy was right in front of her. "Are you...."the girl tried to ask but failed. The boy tilted his head side ways at her. She wasn't going to take any of it and pushed him against the wall with her free arm and held the dagger at the boy's gut.


"Open your mouth!" she said in a commanding tone.


The boy opened his mouth slowly and sure enough his canines were sharper than a regular humans. "Vampire." the girl gasped as she took a step back, dropping the dagger. The boy closed his mouth and looked back curiously. "What do you want?" the girl asked as her hands began to tremble.



"Names are important!" the boy veered? looking straight into the girl's eyes.


"Sataru Gekido."the girl said looking back at the boy with a piercing rage.

Sentri stared at her for a second."The one who's parents were killed by vampires?"he asked,Sataru answered with a growl."And now you loathe vampires?"he asked.

"Yes."Sataru answered a little more in control.


"Oh and yes to the other thing you asked. I am hungry but it can wait."Sentri said giving Sataru a quick smile. His fangs were bared but not purposely.


"I'll be nice for once."Sataru sighed."Come with me."She got up and walked out of her room with Sentri trailing her. When she reached the dining room/kitchen room she pulled out a chair , motioning Sentri to sit down. She got a cup and a knife. She sat down next to Sentri. He looked at her questioningly. She slowly put her fist over the cup. She opened her hand and slid the knife point across her palm. Blood swelled out of the wound and fell into the cup. She set the knife down and picked up the cup with her bleeding hand and held it out to Sentri. He looked at her astounded.She put the glass to his lip s and poured it into his half open mouth.

When he found the taste his hands flew up and clamped around Sataru's hand and the cup.He drank every last drop in the cup. He followed the trail of blood-as the cup fell to the flour and shattered-to her open wound He cleaned up her wound pretty nicely and ;trailed his nose up to her neck.



II. SPELLCHECK!!

I encourage you to use spellcheck. I deeply encourage you. You had so many spelling errors in here....this scares people off from reviewing your work and makes you look unprofessional and uncaring when most of these words are very obviously not typos and quite easy to check if you ran your story under spellchecker at least once! Next time, please spell check your work and proof read it yourself before uploading it on here.

III. CHARACTERS

Your characters are...well...weird. Their interaction and ways are weird. First she hates vampires, then she's scared of vampires, and then she cares about vampires and wants to feed them her own blood by cutting open her hand? Wha? Then the guy is just a bit disdainful and then curious...a stereotypical viewpoint of male vampires onto female humans.

IV. FANTASY

This belongs in the fantasy section. PM a mod (a person with a green username) and they'll move it for you.

V. OVERALL IMPRESSION

This piece is very rough and unedited...I'm sure it can be okay if you edit it. So keep writing!
Maybe you should kiss someone nice or lick a rock, or both - Regina Spektor




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ok i'm trying....i'll fix the spelling real quick and she still fells resentment to vampires and it soon slips off...Woops I kinda' told a peice that's coming up....
thanks.
-em
We've all been broken in some way. It's just how we express it that makes us dffrent form eachother.

“This precious book of love, this unbound lover,
To beautify him only lacks a cover.”
~William Shakespeare, The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet




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**MOVED to Fantasy Fiction**

-:pirate3:
"2-4-6-8! I like to delegate!" -Meshugenah
"Teague: Stomping on your dreams since 1992." -Sachiko
"So I'm looking at FLT and am reminded of a sandwich." -Jabber




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thanks
-em
We've all been broken in some way. It's just how we express it that makes us dffrent form eachother.

“This precious book of love, this unbound lover,
To beautify him only lacks a cover.”
~William Shakespeare, The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet




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I was a bit confused as to what time period this is supposed to be. You mention that Sentri has an ipod. Yet Sataru has a dagger under her pillow. In general, the modern person doesn't have a dagger, they have a folding knife or a gun. She may be different, considering this is a vampire story and maybe a dagger is a feasible weapon against a vampire, but it just threw me of period-wise.

I agree with Periwinkle that their reactions to one another seem kind of strange. You said in your post that her resentment towards vampire soon slips off. It seems to me that if they had indeed killed her parents, the resentment caused by that would not be something that would go away easily. I mean, she doesn't even know this guy, and she is feeding her mortal enemy. *is confused*

In your title, you can just put the name of the book and 'chapter 1'. If you do so, it will be understood that you plan to continue it. Also, proper capitalization would be nice. ;)

"Vampire to the Death - Chapter 1" -- Short, sweet and to the point.

Anyway, interesting start.

*thumbs up* Keep on writing!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




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I have to agree with the other reviews when they said your characters were strange. The dialogue felt unbalanced, and some of your details and reactions were inconsistent to the impression you gave us in the beginning. It is an interesting idea, but it needs much work to be good.

Good luck with your writing.




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ok I finished the story finaly so Ill try and get the second ch in today hopfuly
We've all been broken in some way. It's just how we express it that makes us dffrent form eachother.

“This precious book of love, this unbound lover,
To beautify him only lacks a cover.”
~William Shakespeare, The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet




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Hmm...it seems you added more. :)

ambercoultis wrote:Sataru froze. Sentri found her neck...the hairs on the back of her neck stood up and her heart beat quickened.He surprised her by kissing it and pulling away.Sentri's eyes were now a burgundy. He smiled quickly revealing that his fangs weren't quite as long.


Sataru pushed her chair away from the table as her feet crunched on the glass. She stood up and the glass broke her skin.

Sentri looked over as she walked over the glass, blood dripping from her feet, as she walked back to her bedroom. He reluctantly got up and followed. When he reached Sataru's bedroom door she was sitting on her bed, rubbing her head.

"What happened?-Ow!" she said as she moved her feet. Sentri sat down beside her.

"Turn over on your stomach,"he said. She did as she was commanded. He picked up one of her feet and started pulling out the glass.


I find this unbelievalbe. She knows that the cup fell to the floor and cracked, but she just stands up and walks away - and she's actually surprised that her feet hurt and that their bleeding? If your trying to convey what a strong affect that Sentri has on her you should show the reader this in a better way.
Maybe you should kiss someone nice or lick a rock, or both - Regina Spektor




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Yes yes I know but its not exactly that The um master as Sentri calls the vamp. was kinda mad about this. You have to...actually I thought that the master would be controling the girl but then when I tryed and finished it dudenly that didn't come through as thought the character did it....

Im not sure....
We've all been broken in some way. It's just how we express it that makes us dffrent form eachother.

“This precious book of love, this unbound lover,
To beautify him only lacks a cover.”
~William Shakespeare, The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet



"In my contact with people I find that, as a rule, it is only the little, narrow people who live for themselves, who never read good books, who do not travel, who never open up their souls in a way to permit them to come into contact with other souls -- with the great outside world."
— Booker T. Washington, Up From Slavery