The Gate of Glendon- Prologue

This is the prologue to my new novel. The actual story is set 320 years after this, but information from here is important, and more is told during the story.


The glittering stones captivated my gaze. I had been staring for minutes. Mother told me not to stare, that it was rude, but come on, it was an object. How could staring at an object be rude? I heard a groan in the distance, the horrible moaning sending a shiver down my spine. This wasn’t just any object. It was the Gate; the reason we were at war and the cause of weakness, even death.

The Gate was stunning. So tall that it would be impossible to climb, and so wide you couldn’t see the end. Sometimes I wondered if there was an end, or if it just went on forever. There was an emerald knocker, but it was just for show. You couldn’t knock on the gate. The other side was another world.

Thousands of jewels were inlaid around the edge. Diamonds, rubies, sapphires, lapis lazuli, opals and garnets, as well as ones I couldn’t name. The door, which had always been firmly shut, was open a little, just a crack. I wasn’t supposed to go through. The one thing my mother had stressed for the past months was never going through the gate, because if I were to get trapped on the other side, bad things would happen.

I knew I shouldn’t. I had told my mother I wouldn’t, but in a snap decision, I slipped through the crack and into Nydia.

It wasn’t beautiful, or at least, I don’t think it was. I never got to see it properly, although I could smell burning tar. As soon as I entered, two guards thrust a coarse sack over my head and threw me onto a cart, which began moving underneath me, jiggling and making my stomach twirl. I screamed with fear, but I just got kicked in the leg.

The next thing I remember is waking up in a cell. Instead of my green dress, I was wearing what appeared to be a large sack. The room was small and gray, with a little bed that had a flimsy blanket and thin pillow, and an old, rotting toilet. There were bars on the doors, just wide enough apart that I could see the guard’s feet when he walked back and forth.

I’m a prisoner of war, I thought to myself. Oh God, what will happen to Mother when she finds out? And- and what about me? What about when the gate closes? What will happen then?

I lay on my bed, my legs drawn up against my stomach. I moaned, but that just made a guard bang a stick on the gates of my cell. I closed my eyes and tried to forget what was happening, and I fell asleep. When I woke up, there was a tray with a bowl of soup and watery tea on it. Realizing how hungry I was, I grabbed the bowl and slurped it down, then drank the tea in large gulps. But afterwards, instead of feeling full and satisfied, I yearned for more.

Weeks passed, and I was allowed out of my cell only once, and that was so I could scrub the entire prison with a toothbrush. Luckily, it wasn’t only me, but the other prisoners were hardly kind to me. Only one other person was from Salianne, a soldier captured while creeping over to enemy lines. The rest were Nydian prisoners, and even though they had committed horrendous crimes, they turned their noses up at me.

A few times each day a guard would lead me into a small room, where men smiled wickedly, their mouths twisted into horrible grins. I tried to run, but a man with a hair arm just knocked me back. I fell to the floor and pain shot up my back, forcing me to bite my lip so hard that I drew blood.

They took turns in kicking me and laughing at me until they got tired. I hobbled back to my cell, purple bruises forming all over my body.

The war ended a few months afterwards. Salianne won, somehow, but that didn’t stop me hating the curiosity that brought me over here. I mean, what use was winning the war when I was stuck here? I wondered what my family was doing while I waited for the gate to be sealed, and for me to die. Mother would have known by now, it had been ages. I didn’t even know how long, you lose track of time in prison. She would be struggling with the children by herself. Was Father killed in the war? I bet he was; most soldiers were. The war only ended because of a treaty the Kings made.

I wanted to die, I was miserable and lonely. But I didn’t. The day the gate was closed, the guards were cruel to everybody, even the prisoners from Nydia.

But why didn’t I die? I was supposed to die when the gate was closed, but here I was, alive and well. Okay, not well, but alive.

Finally, it was explained to me: There was a magic in the cell that kept me alive. I wouldn’t die unless I got out of prison, and apparently that was impossible. So I was stuck in this place for the rest of time, alone and miserable. From that day on, I tried harder than ever to get out- because I knew that they would have endless fun with me, the little girl from Salianne.


Feedback Questions:
1. Do you think it's to short/quick?
2. What do you think of the description? Do I need more?
3. Are you going to read chapter one?

What time does this take place in? The language your main character uses makes me feel as if it's 2008. You use "okay" a lot, and "come on". If it doesn't take place in present day, which it seems as if it isn't, then you need to change that.

It may be just me, but I think that this all started out too fast. She was behind the gate, then going through, then getting captured, then the war ending, and about to be a torture-victim, all in just a few shot paragraphs. I don't usually say this, but you need to drag it out a bit. Tell us something about your main character, and exaggerate her curiosity more.

Why is she in a sack when she awakens? Why isn't she dead when the gate closes? Why does she even leave safety in the first place?

These are the few things that I believe need to be answered for this story to work out.

I agree with KJ. For how much you have happening, this is far too short. You have about two pages here, but it should be at least four or five. It's really more of a skeleton of what I would make the prologue and maybe even the first chapter.

We need to know who this girl is and some details about the world she is in. Since it is in first person, giving us her name isn't essential. I once read a first person novel that didn't give the narrators name for about fifty pages and it worked just fine. But we should know where she is from right from the start, not in the very lst sentence. Information that establishes setting should be some of the first things we read. Give us some idea wsho this girl is and her relationship with her mother so we will worry when she thinks of how her mother will feel. And what is the difference between the people from Nydia and Salianna? Even if you don't tell us outright, give us clues and a general idea. (which are good names, by the way, They sound fantasy without being too foreign)

Before you do any revisions on this, try doing some world building. Write up profiles of the characters and the two types of people. Maybe even draw a picture of the gates.

And if the gates are that important to the story, there is nothing wrong with your title.

Here you go! The promised critique.

All those jewels, you went into that much detail to name them, (and lapis is actually shoddy by most accounts), it seems imbalanced. Your language is way off for an old-world story, your prose is just really too modern and too passive. I don't really feel anything for the girl at all, you've never really given us anything more then an info drop and a 'boo-hoo' part of she's a prisoner.

Might want to change that last line, it sounds like she is just going to be abused in a certain way, over and over again. Which is probably something you really shouldn't use as the last line of your introduction to a story, unless it is about that sort of thing. Yaoi fic anyone?

I know that JFW1415 already gave you a great critique, but I don't want to take the time to read it. So if I get some of the same things JFW1415 did its coincidence. Besides, having two opinions on the same thing isn't bad, is it? The reviews of everyone else were short enough to read, so I'll try not to repeat them.

So tall that it would be impossible to climb it...

This isn't a big thing, but this sentence would be better if you ditched the 'it' at the end.

Sometimes I wondered if there was an end, or if it just went on forever?

This isn't a question, so change the question mark into a period.

The room was small and grey, with a little bed that had a flimsy blanket and thin pillow, and an old toilet.

This didn't flow right with me and you spelled 'gray' as 'grey'. Rephrase it as so: The room was small and gray. It was empty except for a rotting toilet in the corner and little bed with a flimsy blanket and pillow.'

I could see the guard’s feet when he walked up and down.

'Up and down' doesn't sound right. Just say 'when he walked by.'

‘I’m a prisoner of war,’ I thought to myself. ‘Oh God, what will happen to Mother when she finds out? And- and what about me? What about when the gate closes? What will happen then?’

I fell asleep quickly.

What? After all that worrying, why would she suddenly fall asleep? Make it take longer and describe things more. This will make it better.

I fell asleep quickly. When I woke up there was a tray with a bowl of soup and watery tea on it.

Once again, not enough of a time gap. Figure out how to lengthen it.

Realizing how hungry I was, I grabbed the bowl and slurped it down, and drank the tea in large gulps.

Get rid of the first 'and' and replace it with a comma.

Ooh that's a creepy ending. Sounds like a great start to a story, and, like the others said, it went along too fast. Especially when you said the war was over. I gave a few other examples of your less serious time jumps and hope they help you out.
I liked this story, so I hope you add more. Keep it up.

1. Do you think it's to short/quick?

No, I think it's just right.

2. What do you think of the description? Do I need more?

No, that's good too. It leaves room for imagination.

3. Would you read chapter 1 when I post it?

I can't promise anything, because the plot doesn't really intrigue me all that much. I'm sorry to say that.

1. I think it's a little short, but it's good for how long it is.

2. You're describtion needs some work, but other than that it's alright.

3. I might read chapter one just to see what you come up with.

Good job, I liked it. It moved well and it was very disciptive. It caught my attention which is what you want a prologue to do.

You want to catch teh readers attention which is what you did for me. Especially in the last paragraph. You made me wonder what is going to happen to her. If she stays put will she live forever? Who put the majic there?

Good job!!!!

I'm here, as promised!

... but since I'm short on time, I didn't read everyone else's critiques. So I may repeat things -- but you'll be getting my fabulous opinions as a first-time reader! XD

My eyes were drawn to the glittering stones.

Hm... not sure how I feel about this as an opening sentence, really. It seems like telling rather than showing -- even though this is still telling, I think it would sound better as: I couldn't look away from the glittering stones. Or something. But that'd still be telling...

You could try inferring that your eyes were drawn to the stones, for example: Sunlight glittered on the stones; they were blindingly bright, but I could not look away.
... okay, that was a terrible example, but... *racks her brains for some lame form of self-dense*

I had been staring for minutes. Mother told me not to stare, that it was rude. But come on, it was an object. How could staring at an object be rude? Although, this wasn’t just any object. It was the Gate, the reason we were at war and the cause of weakness. Well, weakness for us. The Nydian’s were unaffected. They were getting stronger.

This is all telling. That little bit at the beginning, you could get away with, but this -- nope, 'fraid not. It isn't really interesting to read and I think a lot of this could be inferred/shown.

The Gate was beautiful.

Ack! Yet more telling. I think you should use some interesting figurative language (exotic adjectives, metaphors, similes) to show us that it's beautiful, instead of just saying it outright.

So tall that it would be impossible to climb, and so wide you couldn’t see the end. Sometimes I wondered if there was an end, or if it just went on forever.

I think you should make the first sentence '... so wide you couldn't see where it ended.' and then the second sentence 'Sometimes, I wondered if there even was an end, or if it just went on forever.'

There was had an emerald knocker, just for show. You couldn’t knock on it. The other side was another world.

Around the outside there were all sorts of jewels. Diamonds, rubies, sapphires, lapis lazuli, opals and garnets, as well as ones I couldn’t name. The door, which had always been firmly shut, was open a little. I wasn’t supposed to go through. The one thing my mother had stressed for the past months was never going through the gate, because if I were to get trapped on the other side, bad things would happen.

More telling...

It wasn’t ‘beautiful,’ or at least, I don’t think it was.

A little voice is telling me that 'beautiful' should be in italics, but it's up to you.

an old, rotting toilet.

Toilets rot?!

There were bars on the doors, just wide enough apart that I could see the guard’s feet when he walked up and down.

I think 'when he walked back and forth' would be better, since 'up and down' gives the impression that he's actually rising up and off the ground.

‘I’m a prisoner of war,’ I thought to myself. ‘Oh God, what will happen to Mother when she finds out? And- and what about me? What about when the gate closes? What will happen then?’

Shouldn't her thoughts be in italics?

When I woke up there was a tray with a bowl of soup and watery tea on it.

Comma after 'up'.

The guards beat me daily. Pain shot up my body at every small movement, and horrible things were shouted at me as the guards walked past. They did that to everyone, but I was the only one they raped.

This seems completely rushed, somehow. I think you would benefit from slowing down here and maybe showing us what happened to her, as in maybe having a scene where she's being beaten.

Finally it was explained to me.

Comma after 'Finally'.

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Feedback Questions:
1. Do you think it's to short/quick?
Unfortunately, yes. The whole piece is rushed and boring to read, to be frank, and it just doesn't seem realistic. As a fantasy writer, it's your job to make impossible things seem believable -- and to make them entertaining and exhilirating to read about.

I think you'd do well to add scenes that would SHOW the reader certain events, such as her being beaten and the war being won. You could have a scene where the narrator overhears a guard telling his comrade angrily that they lost the war; a scene where they whip her. You know?

That leads me to my next point ----> character development. We have no idea who she is and she's very flat: no personality, no emotion. She's cardboard. Characters are just like people. What I do when I am struggling to develop a character and integrate their personality into my writing, I think of this: what would I do in this situation? What would I think? And then, once I've answered that, I adjust it to fit the character's personality.


2. What do you think of the description? Do I need more?
Again, yes. There isn't enough imagery here for a rich, satisfying mental image -- it's only a few weak adjectives scattered randomly through the piece. Barely enough to visualize


3. Would you read chapter 1 when I post it?

I'm here, as promised!

... but since I'm short on time, I didn't read everyone else's critiques. So I may repeat things -- but you'll be getting my fabulous opinions as a first-time reader! XD

My eyes were drawn to the glittering stones.

Hm... not sure how I feel about this as an opening sentence, really. It seems like telling rather than showing -- even though this is still telling, I think it would sound better as: I couldn't look away from the glittering stones. Or something. But that'd still be telling...

You could try inferring that your eyes were drawn to the stones, for example: Sunlight glittered on the stones; they were blindingly bright, but I could not look away.
... okay, that was a terrible example, but... *racks her brains for some lame form of self-dense*

I had been staring for minutes. Mother told me not to stare, that it was rude. But come on, it was an object. How could staring at an object be rude? Although, this wasn’t just any object. It was the Gate, the reason we were at war and the cause of weakness. Well, weakness for us. The Nydian’s were unaffected. They were getting stronger.

This is all telling. That little bit at the beginning, you could get away with, but this -- nope, 'fraid not. It isn't really interesting to read and I think a lot of this could be inferred/shown.

The Gate was beautiful.

Ack! Yet more telling. I think you should use some interesting figurative language (exotic adjectives, metaphors, similes) to show us that it's beautiful, instead of just saying it outright.

So tall that it would be impossible to climb, and so wide you couldn’t see the end. Sometimes I wondered if there was an end, or if it just went on forever.

I think you should make the first sentence '... so wide you couldn't see where it ended.' and then the second sentence 'Sometimes, I wondered if there even was an end, or if it just went on forever.'

There was had an emerald knocker, just for show. You couldn’t knock on it. The other side was another world.

Around the outside there were all sorts of jewels. Diamonds, rubies, sapphires, lapis lazuli, opals and garnets, as well as ones I couldn’t name. The door, which had always been firmly shut, was open a little. I wasn’t supposed to go through. The one thing my mother had stressed for the past months was never going through the gate, because if I were to get trapped on the other side, bad things would happen.

More telling...

It wasn’t ‘beautiful,’ or at least, I don’t think it was.

A little voice is telling me that 'beautiful' should be in italics, but it's up to you.

an old, rotting toilet.

Toilets rot?!

There were bars on the doors, just wide enough apart that I could see the guard’s feet when he walked up and down.

I think 'when he walked back and forth' would be better, since 'up and down' gives the impression that he's actually rising up and off the ground.

‘I’m a prisoner of war,’ I thought to myself. ‘Oh God, what will happen to Mother when she finds out? And- and what about me? What about when the gate closes? What will happen then?’

Shouldn't her thoughts be in italics?

When I woke up there was a tray with a bowl of soup and watery tea on it.

Comma after 'up'.

The guards beat me daily. Pain shot up my body at every small movement, and horrible things were shouted at me as the guards walked past. They did that to everyone, but I was the only one they raped.

This seems completely rushed, somehow. I think you would benefit from slowing down here and maybe showing us what happened to her, as in maybe having a scene where she's being beaten.

Finally it was explained to me.

Comma after 'Finally'.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Feedback Questions:
1. Do you think it's to short/quick?
Unfortunately, yes. The whole piece is rushed and boring to read, to be frank, and it just doesn't seem realistic. As a fantasy writer, it's your job to make impossible things seem believable -- and to make them entertaining and exhilirating to read about.

I think you'd do well to add scenes that would SHOW the reader certain events, such as her being beaten and the war being won. You could have a scene where the narrator overhears a guard telling his comrade angrily that they lost the war; a scene where they whip her. You know?

That leads me to my next point ----> character development. We have no idea who she is and she's very flat: no personality, no emotion. She's cardboard. Characters are just like people. What I do when I am struggling to develop a character and integrate their personality into my writing, I think of this: what would I do in this situation? What would I think? And then, once I've answered that, I adjust it to fit the character's personality.


2. What do you think of the description? Do I need more?
Again, yes. There isn't enough imagery here for a rich, satisfying mental image -- it's only a few weak adjectives scattered randomly through the piece. Barely enough to visualize the events of the story; definitely not enough for a clear, engaging image.

You have only adjectives, and most of them tell (rather than show). You would benefit, I think, from trying out metaphors & similes, and maybe some sensual description? As in, using the five senses for imagery.


3. Would you read chapter 1 when I post it?
Eh... maybe. I might. I would if you asked me to, but otherwise? I'm not sure.

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Sorry for being so blunt and harsh -- I would try to soften the blows and be more helpful -- but I'm really short on time (I'm grounded, as you know).

Hope this helped somewhat!

Keep writing,
Camille xx

Eek. This seemed to be a little rushed. While it was good in many parts like the early description of the Gate it would go way too fast after 'slipping through'. You start off slow and seemingly collected, this pace is what I am used to and just as I get settled into it, everything starts to rush ahead. Before I know it we are getting thrown into a cell and to be abused. Yay. Was just itching for that character development part too. Now it sounds like it is going to be a miserable story of suffering and escape rather then a story about a war and how people are affected.

1rst off you need to work on voice. You need to choose a time period, or create one, and make your characters thoughts reflect that.

2nd, Details Darling! You have very descriptive parts but others arent quite as strong, perhaps even labeled weak.

Now its time for the quotes.

There was had an emerald knocker

get rid of had. It makes the sentence not work, maybe it just sneaked in there though

The door, which had always been firmly shut, was open a little

was open a little..... not good choice of words, try something that makes the reader think, your open a little and what i think a little is could be very different things.

It wasn’t ‘beautiful,’ or at least, I don’t think it was.

Here we see you switch point of views, stay with present or future. wasn't and don't don't work together. Check the rest of it too for more errors.

Well thats all i got on this read through.... going back to read it again though. MWHAHAHAHA im going to catch as many mistakes as i can

Back!!!

I lay on my bed,

this is in present tense...... choose the point of view as i have already stressed

The guards beat me daily. Pain shot up my body at every small movement, and horrible things were shouted at me as the guards walked past. They did that to everyone, but I was the only one they raped.

1rst off, make the guards more menacing, so far we could think they are three year olds with nasty mouths. Description and give a reason why she cant escape when they try to enter. (Last part actually isnt the best advice scratch that.)

2nd. But they rape me. COME ON NO ONE TALKS THAT FLATLY ABOUT RAPE! Put some emotion in her voice, spice it up a bit, you know make it seem more realistic then, "Oh.... you know... no big deal... they rape me. Now moving on." NO!!! Make her cry out her heart, let us know how she feels for all your giving us she could be loving every second of it. disgutsing

That all for now. Oh and to answer your questions honestly

1) I thought it was a little short but prologues vary from 24 pages to a short poem soooo not a good question, maybe if this was chapter one
2) I already said my stand on your details
3) Yes if you post chapter one I AM going to read it, and hopefully see some improvement

alright, here it goes. i think it was jsut right with its length and description of teh characters and all such rot. it had a few errors here adn there, but nothing worth mentioning. mostly cuz everyone else already told you. i liked it and would definetly read the first chapter. i think this story has great potential and i think you should keep writing.