Abyss of Dawn -- Prologue

Adrianna, though only an Initiate at the Mages’ Circle, realized she was near the fight for her life. Her opponent stood halfway across the cave, obscured by a burning field of energy similar to her own growing one.

“It doesn’t have to begin this way,” he told her again. “Come of your own free will, sister. I don’t want to have to harm you.”

“I’m no sister of yours!” she spat, though she still knew on some level that without a doubt that she was wrong. If nothing else, their identical eyes were enough to convince anyone of their familial ties. That didn’t matter anymore. Though unable to see him, she could sense his smile at her fruitless denial. He knew; he always knew, and he could never help but smile.

“This is truly your last chance. I will not wait any longer. Please, Adie.” The gentleness of his tone made Adrianna cringe. He was throwing every trick he knew at her now in desperation.

“Do not call me that,” she said, green eyes flashing in anger though she kept her voice even.

“Why not?”

“Only my friends and family may call me that, and you are neither. For all that you’ve done, I hate you.”

“As well as or better than I, you know that is a lie. You cannot hate me now. That point of no return has already been passed.” Once again, his honesty beat against her battered mind. Why did he always have to be so honest and blunt? Could he not just lie as any other villain would? At least something of him would make sense then, if his heart were as black as his ebony hair, as like to hers as his eyes. “Give in, Adie. It can be like it was before.”

“Surely you know that is a lie. I cannot stand your half-lies. You even deceive yourself with them; you have used them for so long. You weave truths together and stretch them until they’re false, like when you--.” He cut her off.

“We’ve been over this before. There is no need to discuss it again. I have said all I have to say on the matter and can make my words no clearer. You have already voiced your thoughts on it.” She continued to glare at him through the mystical hazes. After a few seconds, she heard his barely audible sigh of defeat.

“I see I will have to fight you now.” He sensed her tight nod. “Very well then.” She sensed a wave of crippling power building around him quickly. “I’m sorry,” he said softly after a moment’s hesitation before unleashing his deluge at the same time she flung up a spur of the moment shield. Adrianna felt her body slam against the hard rock wall behind her as the inadequate defenses shattered. She would have to improve her control quickly if she wanted to survive. The young mage wished fervently that her powers had been unbound earlier in her life so she might be more accustomed to using them.

Before she could react to the blow, she felt his arm pinning her where she barely stood. She cursed her slow reflexes and recovery time. As quickly as she could, Adrianna summoned forth from her well of power a fist of energy with which to knock her foe away.

“You don’t think that will stop me,” he sneered elegantly just seconds before she struck him hard enough to make him stumble back a step. It wasn’t much, but she managed to jerk free, just before she fell…

Interesting. I couldn't find that many grammatical errors in this, though someone with more experience than me might do better.

There were a few parts that seemed choppy, not that many though. The biggest one I saw was this.

For all that you’ve done, I hate you.”

It might run better if you swap those two. "I hate you for all that you've done." But then, you might have meant it that way.

Kudos to you, and I'll be looking for more!

shadowstorm wrote:“As well as or better than I, you know that is a lie. You cannot hate me now. That point of no return has already been passed.”

I don't know what the bolded means. I had to read it more than once (it might be the stupidity in me) but I would recommend simplifying it a little. That is a clever saying though, after I understood it.

shadowstorm wrote:You weave truths together and stretch them until they’re false, like when you--.” He cut her off.

“We’ve been over this before. There is no need to discuss it again.

At the part that says "He cut her off.", that should really be down with what he is saying. It seems like Adie's opponent is the one saying that dialogue, instead of the dialogue underneath.

So far, it's really good. A few recommendations: talk about the surroundings a little more, is it a happy place or dark and dreary? Is there a lot of light, or can they barely see each other? What is her opponent wearing, and herself? What do they sound like, are there any sounds in the area that might distract them or something?

Other than that, it's a great piece.

I thought this prologue looks like it'll shape up to be a great story! Can't wait for the next installments. One thing, (not bad) I noticed is that it appears heavily influenced by Tamora Pierce's Circle of Magic Quartet. If you know what I'm talking about, you might want to change some of the place names, terms like initiate, and so on. But it's obviously up to you ^_^

Hiya!

Well, I think you're spot on with grammar, so no worries there, except if you skim through you will see what could do with a minor facelift! This is a bit cliche, but nothing to worry about. I liked it but as pickle said above, I see a lot of Pierce here. This is a fun little story, and I would really like to view next installments. It would nice with a bit more environmental description, but don';t go too overboard with that.

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~