StoweAway (Updated 2/12/08)

Another great chapter, yay! I'm really starting to like Aly's character, and the story has really drawn me in. ^_^

The two girls found a tree stump and Aly sat on it.

...Isn't Zek a snow leopard? "Girl" sounds like a weird choice of word.

“Sir, there is a big amount of soldiers coming. And they are breaking into North Bristol. Please sir, we have to do something!”

"Big amount" sounds like kind of an awkward phrase. I'd just go with "a lot" or something... (I know "a lot" isn't what teachers call a "good" word, but it seems more likely to be used in dialouge than "big amount")

That's really the only critique I can think of right now... This is a brilliant story, I'm really enjoying it! Next chapter please. XD

Everything is now edited, according to all of the mistakes that you guys found. So, now I'll go back and answer some questions:

GryphonFledging & cat4prowl:

One question, what is the viewpoint of this story?

You probably wouldn't be able to tell from the first chapter, but the MC is named Aly Stowe (hence StoweAway)

JabberHut:

By the way, why was the Judge and the Minister duking it out?

Judge Isaac is somewhat like Hitler. Sorta. He wants to take over the world, and in order to do that, he has to be Prime Minister to take over England, and then he would go from there. So he kills the Prime Minister so his plan can work out.

scotty.knows:

The newspaper article, while accomplishing the same thing, does not ruin the flow of a story and it makes the story seem more real. After all, if you read it, it must be true.

Did they have newspapers in the early 1800s? O.o

Does Aly have a psychic link to her cat or is she just plain psychic and able to read everyone's thoughts? Because if she is able to read everyone's thoughts, I didn't get that impression.

I'm not going to state it in my novel, but everyone in the world can communicate with SOME animals. They can't hold a verbal conversation but rather the animals send emotions and pictures into the person's head.

GryphonFledging:

Is Aly going to be affected by the entire political fiasco?

Sorta. That was a great answer huh? Well, if I answered that, then it would ruin the book!

JabberHut:

Overall, very good! I lurves Zek! *squeals* She's so cute! ^^

I know! Isn't she?




Thanks for everyone who has been reading this! It truly means a lot to me! I hope that this story continues to be as great as it is now!

BBB

Yes, they had newspapers in the 1800s. However, I rather like the way it is written. Since this is a narration by the main character it is perfectly acceptable as long as the main character is introduced properly as if he was going over the events in his head or say, sharing stories (possibly exaggerated) with some friends. Its an open ended question, but just do make sure to address the actions and the reasons why the details were observed if it was the latter. While I like the narration it could be a tricky problem if you don't handle it properly.

Now as to the corrections... Surprisingly, there is very little left for me to note, but since I'm a stickler for adjectives and adverbs I'll point out this sentence.

"With terrifying speed, he crashed the knife down on top of the desk, puncturing important papers and bills."

Terrifying just seems out of place. Simply, 'He crashed...' loses only a little of its dramatic effect, but emphasis is really on how the old man does himself in by a bad misstep. Only a minor note, but a point nonetheless.

Overall: very well done.

Wow BBB!

When I read this, I was amazed at how well you managed to capture my attention! Usually, online I just can't sit reading from my computer screen, but this, really got my attention. Its all very British, with stereotypes leading most of the story... Fantastic!

Your sentences are very strong and well structured. I really liked you character development, the way you managed to capture Isaac's intentions, and make him appear so innocent. I actually find myself quite liking this guy. He is the type of hero who doesn;t mind hurting one person, to help many more, my ytpe of hero!

I just noticed something:

Elias Isaac was a man of incredible wealth and power. He was elected as the Supreme Judge of London in the primitive seventeenth century, and climbed up the political ladder until he was at his zenith.

The you say that it was in 1804 and he was still alive. I think you mean eighteenth century. Seventeenth would be 1600's.

Anyway, I'll leave the rest of the gramar because I;m a afine one to speak lol.

I really liked this,m excellent piece, well worthy!

Keep writing, I want to read more!

Mark

Hey, thanks guys. A million. It's really helped me when you guys have critted this, so I hope that this next part will spark your interest if you are losing it!

Captives

4
“I thought I told you and your bloody cat to stay inside!” Uncle Steven roared as Aly and Zek stumbled into the house. Uncle Steven’s face was sour, as if he were eating a lemon. His eyes glared down at her and his fists lay on the wooden table. Auntie Clair was sitting by the fireplace stirring tea, trying to avoid the oncoming contention.

“Um…” Aly said, forgetting what it was they were supposed to tell him. She glanced down at Zek and her beautiful eyes stared back. The cat’s jaw was trembling slightly and Aly could sense fear. Zek prodded Aly’s leg and reminded her of the army.

“Uncle Steven! Please, listen to me! There is this big army attacking North Bristol! We need to help them!” Aly shouted. Uncle Steven didn’t move, but Auntie Clair looked up from her tea.

It seemed like they had all frozen until Auntie Clair glanced at Uncle Steven, whose face hadn’t moved from its original position.

“What are you talking about?” he questioned, his gaze becoming fiercer.

Aly replied, “Someone told me that Lord Isaac is attacking North Bristol. Uncle Steven, please we have to do something!”

“Who told you that, dear?” Auntie Clair asked, placing her hands on her hips. Her soft green eyes were set intently on her niece.

“It was… um…” Aly glanced down to Zek. Should she tell them about the Raven? Would they believe her?

“It was who?” Uncle Steven asked sternly. His fists were turning white because he was squeezing so firmly.

“Um…” Aly didn’t know what to say. “It was… it was a man. Yes, it was a man who saw them attacking. He turned around and ran back here to tell us. He saw me first and so he told me.” Aly looked desperately at the two adults, her hands pleading with them.

Auntie Clair looked at Uncle Steven. The man didn’t seem to believe Aly by the look on his face.

“Who was this man?” he asked. He slid his hands underneath the table and leaned back in the wooden chair, rocking it back and forth on the back legs.

“I don’t know! All he said was that he saw Lord Isaac’s soldiers approaching East Bristol,” Aly replied. She placed one hand on Zek’s head and squeezed her fur. The leopard squirmed, feeling Uncle Steven’s unwillingness to accept the truth. Zek tried desperately to send positive thoughts to the man, but he refused them.

“Dear? What are we going to do?” Auntie Clair asked. Her hands were still on her hips and her eyebrows were buried into her head.

“Nothing. We’re going to do nothing at all. This girl is a liar,” Uncle Steven replied calmly, eyeing Aly. All of the blood rushed from her face.

“No! Please! You have to do something! They are going to kill us if we don’t!” Aly screamed as she ran over to her uncle. She leaned across the table and looked into his eyes. Zek growled and ran under the table and placed one paw on Uncle Steven’s lap. He pushed it away, looking disgusted.

“Put Zekyll outside, Clair. She’s filthy.”

“Please believe me! The Ra- I mean, the man said that the army was attacking! We have to help them!”

Uncle Steven didn’t reply. He glared into Aly’s eyes and suddenly his arm flashed up and slapped her across the face.

Auntie Clair gasped as Aly screamed and fell off the table. His fingernails dug into her precious skin and scraped a layer or so off. Zek growled and ran over to her injured friend, licking her nasty cut. Aly screamed pushed Zek away, who was as frightened as Uncle Steven’s behavior as Aly, if not worse.

“Steven! How dare you!” Auntie Clair gasped as she helped Aly stand up. There was a nasty red welt on the side of her face and tears streaming out of her eyes. She didn’t dare look at her attacker; instead Auntie Clair brought her to her room and laid Aly on her bed. Zek whimpered beside her. Auntie Clair grabbed a towel and wetted it with some nearby water and placed it on the cut. It stung horribly and Aly whimpered. Zek sent warm feelings to her, but again she was pushed away.

Aly tried to say something, but it all came out in jumbled stutters. Her cheek seemed to be swelling and it hurt when Auntie Clair placed her hand on it.

Aly squirmed and said, “N-no… please… it hurts…” Zek whimpered again and placed her head beside Aly’s.

“I’m so sorry, dearest. I don’t know what is the matter with your uncle today. This won’t happen again, you understand?” Auntie Clair promised.

But Aly didn’t care about the nasty bruise that she would be receiving. What was haunting Aly was that no one was going to help North Bristol. As Auntie Clair slid out of the room, blowing out the candle, Aly was reminded from Zek that all of those people were going to die… and it was all their fault.

*

Zek jumped in her sleep as she heard yelling and shouts outside of their house. She looked around, frightened, and growled. Aly didn’t seem to hear anything, so she nudged her with her cold, wet nose.

Aly squirmed in her bed and said groggily, “Zek, not now…”

Zek sighed and jumped up onto Aly’s clothes dresser because there was a small vent that she could see out of. When she was positioned just right, Zek stared into the dark night.

There were men. Lots of them. Most of them held torches in their hands. Others had big rifles. What was going on?

Suddenly, Zek heard a loud bang and jumped. She slipped off of the dresser and fell down onto the ground. She whimpered and yelped. Aly jumped and her head jerked over towards the sound.

“Zek! Oh, Zek! What’s wrong?” Another loud shot filled her ears and Aly screamed. Zek growled and sent Aly pictures of men with torches.

“It’s Lord Isaacs’ troops! They’ve come!” Aly shouted and her bedroom door opened. Auntie Clair rushed in and embraced Aly. Zek stared at them.

“Your uncle is gone outside. He went to see what was going on. Oh, Aly!” Auntie Clair cried and hugged her tighter.

“I told you! I told you and you didn’t believe me!” Aly shouted, pushing herself away from her aunt.

“Aly, we’ll have none of that! All we need to do right now is to hide. That’s what Steven said, and that’s what we’ll do. Come on, dear.”

Aly motioned for Zek to follow her and the three of them huddled together in a corner of Aly’s room. Aly’s heart pounded in her ribcage as she heard gunshots close by. She gripped Zek and the snow leopard laid herself upon Aly’s legs. Aly petted her and Auntie Clair tugged on her dress, her bottom lip trembling.

Outside of the vent was clearly visible from where Aly and Zek sat, although all they could see were the stars. The night was cold and the stars shone bright.

There were more gunshots and yells and with ever the threesome heard them, they all flinched.

Aly whispered to Zek, trembling, “I warned them. They just didn’t believe me. I warned them, Zek.” Zek purred and licked Aly’s face.

“Ouch! Zek, that’s my bruise!” Aly whimpered and Zek sent sorrowful thoughts to her.

The night drew on. It got colder. The gunshots became more distant until they were barely audible at all. It wasn’t until much later when Aly finally spoke.

“Auntie Clair, can we get up now? Is it safe?”

“No, dear. We are going to wait until Steven gets home.”

So they stayed, huddled in the one corner of Aly’s room.

*

Aly was in a very uncomfortable position, so she lay her head down on the hard, wooden floor. Zek purred loudly and nudged herself into Aly’s arms. The girl smiled and hugged her big cat.

“What’s going on out there? Do you know?” Aly asked a while later. Zek had fallen asleep.

“No, dear,” Auntie Clair whispered. “Your uncle didn’t tell me anything other than he had to go.”

“Where is he? I mean, we can’t hear anything outside. The battle is probably over.”

“I don’t know. He told me that we should hide, and we are. We aren’t going to do anything else.”

Aly sighed. “Can I at least go to my bed? Please? I’m really tired and my face is hurting.”

Auntie Clair was silent for a moment and then replied, “Yes, dear. Go to sleep. I’ll go and check outside.” Aly smiled and slowly climbed to her feet. She rushed to her bed and hugged her warm blankets. Zek was snoring softly on the floor next to the wall that they had been sitting at.

Aly listened quietly to what Auntie Clair was doing.

Auntie Clair opened the front door and everything was silent for a moment. Aly lifted her head off her pillow so she could hear more clearly.

“Oh Lord…” she heard Auntie Clair mutter. “No! No, no, no, no!”

Aly’s heart fluttered and she jumped out of bed and rushed out of her room. What was Auntie Clair seeing? What was going on? Was everyone dead?

“No!” she heard her aunt yell again. When Aly finally reached the doorway, Zek was right at her feet.

Aly slowly looked out, absorbing all that she possibly could at one time. Her lip trembled and suddenly she crouched down. She covered her mouth with her hand and looked away, a droplet of a tear sliding down her swollen face.

Zek growled at the dead body that lay just mere feet away from the doorway. The face was unrecognizable; it was torn up and punctured with many bullets.

Aly started breathing heavily and wiped a tear from her eye. What other horrors would await her that night?

“Aunt- Auntie Clair!” Aly shouted, stumbling over her words. Her aunt was not by the house anymore, and if Aly were to find her she would have to venture out into the battlefield.

“Zek? Zek, c’mon. Hurry,” Aly muttered, completely out of breath. Tears were swelling up in her eyes and she rubbed them away. It was then that she saw the horrible sight that used to be East Bristol.


*

Thanks for anyone who took the time to read this!

Whee! New chapter!

And a cliffhanger! How dare you! Now I really can't wait for more! ^_^

This one was great, you're really stating to develop your characters, and I really felt sympathy for poor Aly.

A few small things:

“Um…” Aly said, forgetting what it was they were supposed to tell him.

I dunno about you, but if I was Aly, I wouldn't be forgetting something so big so quickly. It felt like it broke up the flow of what was a very fast-paced scene, so you might want to edit this out.

“Put Zekyll outside, Clair. She’s filty.”

Oops, typo. Should be "filthy."

I'm really enjoying myself here. This is shaping up to be a great story. Next chapter, please. XD

o_O What do you mean you've been updating this with new parts and no one told me??!?!

Ten years after the rise of Lord Isaac, Aly Stowe awoke to the tender and familiar thoughts of Zekyll. Aly’s small mouth slowly stretched and became a smile as Zek pushed her way through the door and put a paw upon her bed. The snow leopard sent pleasant thoughts toward Aly, and finally the nine-year-old girl opened her right eye, her smile still expanding.
Hmmmm....this makes me think of 'His Dark Materials'? *read the first book just recently* (Oh, and FYI, I'm commenting as I read, so my comments may lack the comprehension of someone who read it through then went back and commented. =P)

“Sounds great,[comma]" Aly said.

Aly nodded and looked mischievously at Zek, who smiled back.[one, can cats smile? Or should I consider this personification?] It was all too fresh in Aly’s mind of what had happened the night before last.

I don't know about this last sentence. It sounds a bit awkward in my head, like it should be: "What had happened the night before last was all too fresh in Aly's mind."
Also, doesn't saying 'all too fresh' imply that there is a desire that it wasn't? It sounds out of place for the recentness of the experience to be described this way when (following the flow of the writing) she is smiling about it. Hope that makes sense. =P

It hadn’t been her fault, really. It was that horrible kid, Maxwell, who had[?] started it. It was [again, was? Or 'had been'? Your choice of verb tense makes me think it's happening in the now of the story.] raining and Aly and Zek were outside, playing in the water.

“What do you want?” Aly sneered at the approaching boy. Maxwell glared. His clothes were dirty,[comma? Or do you mean dirty brown as a color?] brown, and wet.

“Why does it matter to you, you ugly little girl![methinks this should be a question mark]” Maxwell retorted. Zek growled and crouched into a defensive position, ready to pounce when needed.

“Because, this is our turf! This is where we play, you dumb boy!” Aly said, desperately thinking ['trying to think', no?] of an insult, but nothing was coming up. Zek was, of course, sensing[not sending] her thoughts of rage and hoping to attack the boy.

“No, Zek. Not yet,” she whispered and looked up to Maxwell. He had bright red hair;[shouldn't this be a comma?] freckles that littered his nose and teeth that were crooked.

“Yeah!” Maxwell shouted, spraying spit all down Aly’s shirt but[maybe use 'though'] the rain quickly washed it away. The boy raised his fists, glaring at Aly.

^_^ I liked it. Too bad it took me so long to notice it was here. >.<

I wonder about the importance of the last little history blip at the end. It's important that readers know this, but it switching from story to history like that seems to disrupt the flow of the story. Might I recommend you maybe work that little history lesson into the story somehow, or maybe just add it on to the first part?

Other than that, plot was good. I stand by that it felt a little daemon-ish, but I forgive you. I liked Aly and Zek, as well as the little story with Maxwell. I definitely look forward to reading more. I'll get to the next parts soon!

^_^ Keek!

Hey, 3B! Sorry I haven't been able to post it, but the site was down when I was able to put it up, and then I got loaded with homework today. However, I finished, and I'll post it straight away.

Auntie Clair was sitting by the fireplace, stirring tea, [no comma] and trying to avoid the oncoming contention.

“Um…” Aly said, forgetting what it was they were supposed to tell him.

I don't much like to see said when the character says um. The person doesn't really say anything. Instead they're hesitating or stuttering or some such word.

“Uncle Steven! Please, listen to me! There is this big army attacking North Bristol! We need to help them!” Aly shouted. Uncle Steven didn’t move, but Auntie Clair looked up from her tea.

Woah. Just a second ago, she was stuttering (or saying um). Now she's yelling at her uncle. Maybe say she was hesitating, as to how to say the news to her uncle, then the words just spilled out at this point and she couldn't stop it. I don't know, but it was a bit sudden.

It seemed like they had all frozen until Auntie Clair glanced at Uncle Steven, whose face hadn’t moved from its original position.

They either are or they're not. They both froze, their faces pale. They can seem like they're frozen if they're were also cased in ice or something not realistic.

“What are you talking about?” he questioned, his gaze becoming fiercer.

...his eyes narrowed. or something like that may work better?

“It was who?” Uncle Steven asked sternly. His fists were turning white because he was squeezing so firmly.

Why was he digging his knuckles into his palms again?

Her hands were still on her hips and her eyebrows were buried into her head.

As in her brow furrowed?

He glared into Aly’s eyes and suddenly his arm flashed up and slapped her across the face.

He stared, or his eyes bore into Aly or something else. This seems a bit awkward.

Auntie Clair gasped as Aly screamed and fell off the table. His fingernails dug into her precious skin and scraped a layer or so off. Zek growled and ran over to her injured friend, licking her nasty cut. Aly screamed and pushed Zek away, who was as frightened [s]as[/s] of Uncle Steven’s behavior as Aly, if not worse.

The last sentence could still be looked over. I'm not sure if I edited it the way you want it to sound, as in what it's telling the reader. Oh, by the way: I loved this paragraph! ^^

There was a nasty red welt on the side of her face and tears [s]streaming[/s] streamed out of her eyes.

instead, Auntie Clair brought her to her room and laid Aly on her bed.

Aly squirmed. [s]and said,[/s] “N-no… please… it hurts…” Zek whimpered again and placed her head beside Aly’s.

This won’t happen again, you understand?” Auntie Clair promised.

Don't much like that. She's taking care of her niece, and playing the role of a nice/kind mother/aunt. Try I swear or I promise or I assure you or...something like those.

But Aly didn’t care about the nasty [s]bruise[/s] wound that she [s]would be receiving[/s] received.

She looked around, frightened, and growled.

You use frighten a lot for Zek and then have her growl two words later, like here (:lol:). It's a bit awkward. She would want to protect Aly, and guardians can have a fear of not living to their masters' expectations. This word is rather unnecessary, seeing as the reader can assume they have some freight. You have Zek growling here, telling the reader Zek cares deeply about her master, Aly, and would do anything to protect her. A number of people are afraid of death. I'll stop jabbering, and just get to the point: Delete underlined word.

Zek [s]sighed and[/s] jumped up onto Aly’s clothes dresser because there was a small vent that she could see out of.

She's a leopard. She don't need to sigh. ^^

Aly motioned for Zek to follow [s]her[/s] and the three of them huddled together in a corner of Aly’s room.

She gripped Zek and the snow leopard laid herself upon Aly’s legs.

She gripped Zek who laid across her legs. Add a little more if you wish, but this pretty much sums up what you're saying into a cute little sentence. ^^

Outside of the vent was clearly visible from where Aly and Zek sat, although [s]all[/s] they could only see [s]were[/s] the stars shine brightly in the night sky.

The night was cold and the stars shone bright.

This sentence was a bit random in its paragraph, so I smoothed it in with the quote above this one. However, do what you like. It just doesn't work by itself. ^^;

There were more gunshots and yells and with ever the threesome heard them, they all flinched.

The three of them flinched at the next few gunshots, the hunters' yells piercing the heavy silence. Something like that.

Aly whispered to Zek, trembling, “I warned them. They just didn’t believe me. I warned them, Zek.” Zek purred and licked Aly’s face.

Alright, Zek is laying across Aly's knees, so Aly would have to lean over to whisper to Zek. She probably wouldn't lean over either, considering she's trembling with fear. She would, instead, dig her face into her aunt's shoulder or something. Also, Aunt Clair would hear them whisper, since she's sitting right next to the duo. Rethink this one.

“Ouch! Zek, that’s my bruise!” Aly whimpered and Zek sent sorrowful thoughts to her.

...Aly whimpered, feeling Zek's sorrow. or just forget the last part of the tag. I would hope that Zek would feel sorry for hurting Aly, since they're close friends. (You did well in developing this fact. )

The night drew on. It got colder.

The night became colder as time slowly went by.

“Where is he? I mean, we can’t hear anything outside. The [s]battle[/s] fight is probably over.”

She's only nine, so it seems more fitting to put a more childish word in there. ^^

Zek was still snoring softly on the floor [s]next to the wall that they had been sitting at[/s].

Aly listened quietly to what Auntie Clair was doing.

Auntie Clair opened the front door and everything was silent for a moment.

Use her aunt or something in place of one of those.

Aly [s]started breathing[/s] breathed heavily and wiped a tear from her eye. What other horrors would await her that night?

...and if Aly were to find her, she would have to venture out into the battlefield.

That's all I found. This was a very exciting chapter. I'm so mad you left me hanging here! Of course, you probably would have had the next chapter up if I weren't so slow to posting my crit. Sorry 'bout that, had a few difficulties.

Anyway, loved it and can't wait for more! Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

bigbadbear wrote:English government didn't have Prime Ministers until the 1950s

and


Anyway, here is chapter two! I hope that you like it! It's not nearly as boring as chapter one.

Don't worry, we had PM's from 1721 (i think!) weve definatley had them a lot longer than since the 50's! I can prove it, take neville chamberlain and winston churchill! ww2 pms!

Anyhow, the other point, chapter one wasn't boring! I'll critique chapter two in a bit

Ok, let us get started.
I'm not going t write a really long reply like the others, but I will comment.
The following things were really well planned:
-story line; nice ideas
-character names; Isaac is my brothers name, wich is awsome!
-no mistakes; an essential part of a story that means a lot to you
-spacing; well spaced and neatly done
-length; it was a little long for my liking, but that's just me

Like I heard, you are really good and you have just proved it to me, but i knew you had good quality from the start.
Nothing that I didn't like here, so goobye to you and maybe you could consider looking at some of my posts?
shanan-cat

Wow that's really good 3B! Time to crit chapter 4:

'It seemed like they had all frozen until Auntie Clair glanced at Uncle Steven'

I know what you mean it jsuts sounds a bit strange. Put a nice active verb in their

'The man didn’t seem to believe Aly by the look on his face.'

I don't like this, how about 'By the look on his face, the man clearly didn't believe a word Aly had said.'.

'Aly screamed pushed Zek away, who was as frightened as Uncle Steven’s behavior as Aly, if not worse.'

It doesn't make sense, typo? Oh, put an 'and' after 'screamed'. That's better

'and [s]with ever[/s] whenever the threesome heard them'

'warned them, Zek.” Zek purred'

repetiton doesn't fit, use a pronoun

I really liked this chapter, and what a cliffhanger!

I live near north Bristol lol. Keep writing this, tis turning out really great!

Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~

Sorry it's taken me so long. I've been in a constant writer's block that I haven't been able to rid of until today. I hope you like this next (and terribly short) end to chapter 4!

*

“Zek? Zek, c’mon. Hurry,” Aly muttered, completely out of breath. Tears were swelling up in her eyes and she rubbed them away. It was then that she saw the horrible sight that used to be East Bristol.

Brilliant flames crept up into log homes. Trees were splintered. Villagers were racing to put out the fire. Smoke slithering into the dark, night sky and Aly was dumbstruck.

What had happened?

Zek moaned in her throat and rubbed her face against Aly’s leg. The poor leopard was utterly terrified because Aly was receiving thoughts of horror and shock.

Aly didn’t know what to expect. Was she seeing things? This wasn’t East Bristol. Her city was beautiful. The fires were kept in fireplaces, and smoke was supposed to billow from chimneys.

Where was East Bristol?

Zek sent Aly a sudden picture of Auntie Clair talking with Mrs. Smith, a neighbor. Aly’s eyes flickered over to the Smiths’ home and saw her aunt.

“Auntie Clair! Auntie Clair!” she cried and hurled herself towards the two ladies. Zek bounded behind her. Aly’s heart thumped against her chest, making it incredibly hard to breathe.

“Aly! Get back in the house, now!” Auntie Clair shrieked, tears streaming down her cheeks. Her blue eyes were not as pretty as they’d used to be. They were now filled with horror and dread, and Aly sensed it.
“What… what happened?” she asked.

“Go! Go back to the house. It’s too dangerous out here. Get!” Auntie Clair cried, pointing a long finger towards their home. Aly was about to protest when her auntie shouted the phrase again.

Zek purred and tugged on Aly’s leggings with her teeth. The girl looked down and said, “Zek! No!”

“Go!” Auntie Clair moaned and then placed a hand on her forehead. Mrs. Smith wiped her eye and embraced Auntie Clair. The poor woman was trying to say something to comfort her, but words were refusing to come.

Aly eyed them until Zek growled. She turned to the cat and said, “What do you think happened?” Zek refused to answer, turned and roved back to the house.

Aly took one final look at Auntie Clair and followed, a million questions racing through her head.

*

It has been four whole weeks since Uncle Steven has been taken. Zek and I think and pray about him constantly, but Auntie Clair is always weeping. Always weeping. There is no end to it. It must be terribly hard to find out that Lord Isaac had taken your husband captive.

Uncle Steven wasn’t the only one, though. Mr. Smith and Mr. Jenson had been taken, along with many of East Bristol’s youth. I was lucky enough to have hidden with Auntie Clair, or they would have taken me.

I got this journal from one of the Rats, a gang of boys. Well, not really. I took it from him, but only because he was about to toss it in the canal. I couldn’t let him to that to an empty notepad! And it was absurd to throw away paper in a time like this!

I have to be off now. Auntie Clair needs my help with something. I’ll write more about Uncle Steven later, if I get the chance.

-Aly

Aly sighed and shut the notepad. It had been her first entry, and her last if she were to know what events would soon follow.

“Yes, Auntie Clair. I’m coming,” Aly replied kindly. She had taken an extra step to be kinder to the dear lady. It was incredibly hard to find out that her husband had been taken, but there was more news than that.

Auntie Clair, just a few days ago, had announced that she was pregnant. Aly was completely shocked to the core. Auntie Clair? Pregnant? But she was indeed.

She was in her fourth month the day that Aly wrote her first and last entry in the journal. Auntie Clair was showing clear signs of roundness near the stomach, and every time she looked at it, it made Aly squeal with delight. Just thinking about a little baby cousin sounded wonderful…

But Aly would have to step up. Auntie Clair was nearing her old age. She (for Aly was positive that the baby would be a girl) would need someone young and playful. The little baby would absolutely adore her.

They would be best friends. They would grow up and do everything together.

If only Aly knew what was going to be in store for her, she would have changed her way of thinking.

*

Thanks for reading it, guys!

Brilliant flames crept up into log homes. Trees were splintered. Villagers were racing to put out the fire. Smoke slithering into the dark, night sky and Aly was dumbstruck.

The last sentence doesn't make sense... maybe you mean smoke was slithering?

The poor leopard was utterly terrified because Aly was receiving thoughts of horror and shock.

This might sound a little better if you said the leopard must have been terrified, or something along those lines. Saying that the leopard was terrified doesn't seem to require the explanation you put after it... I don't really know how to explain what I mean, sorry. ^^;

Just thinking about a little baby cousin sounded wonderful…

Maybe "was" wonderful, instead of "sounded"? It seems to me like this sentence is saying that she has not yet had the experience of thinking about her cousin, in other words, that thinking about thinking about her cousin is wonderful. I dunno...

If only Aly knew what was going to be in store for her, she would have changed her way of thinking.

"Changed her way of thinking" sounds awkward to me... "thought differently," maybe?

All of those above are just my opinion, so feel free to ignore. ^_^ I don't know much about writing anyhow. XD

Story-wise, this was a really good chapter for moving along the plot and for foreshadowing, but this latter half did feel like more telling than showing... eh, it's up to you. It's not a big problem, and it doesn't detract from the story very much, but, eh. It's just something to keep an eye on while you're editing, I guess.

This story is really getting good, I can't wait to read further! ^_^

Heya BBB! Don't you just hate writer's block? I've had one for about a week, I think I got rid of it now lol

Right, on to the crit!

Brilliant flames crept up into log homes.

OK, this isn't grammar, but in these times, they didn't live in log homes, they were brick, unless you intended to have this specially. Bah, oh well

Smoke slithering into the dark, night sky and Aly was dumbstruck.

I think you mean 'Smoke slithered'. Smoke 'was slithering' would work but it sounds a bit dull. Avoid 'was' where possible.

The poor leopard was utterly terrified because Aly was receiving thoughts of horror and shock.

This jsut sounds a bit dull an inactive. Hows about 'The utterly terrified leopard sensed Aly's horror and shock'. Its a bit different, but more active if you get my meaning.

neighbor

I know this is VERY picky but this is just a thought. The English way of spelling it is neighbour, and since this is England, perhaps you just use their words. This is completly up to you, since you are the author and you are American, but its just a thought, you know...

Well, that was an exciting chapter wasn't it? I remained unsure to begin with, but then it really started to take off and I loved it! The last bit seemed a bit peaceful, but that's alright because ther has been a lot of action in previous scenes. This was a good piece, and I would love to read more!

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~

BBB I can't take all this info at once please post this in solid chapters! I want to help ya, but this is all just too much. You can't expect people to keep returning to it. It tires them out doing all these critque at once. I've give one chapter one you use names too much use others words like he, she etc. Repost this all in chapters and I'll look at it more better. Just too much... way too much

...
VSN