Alpha Galaxy Ch 1

This yet another remake of mine. This most likely only going to be the first half of part one, so if you enjoy it please return to see the second half.

The sun shown bright on the mid-afternoon day Topisk. The glare from the buildings blinded Orlam as he looked around the busy city center. It was crowded on every side except in the very middle where a cage stood, and inside these cages were filled with animals: humans. Werewolves stood on each side to drag a human out to be auctioned off to the waiting Werewolves in the crowd.

“And we have auction item number seventy-three,” cried the auctioneer. “A young male, very strong, too. “He lifted the human’s ragged clothing to show off the abs. “Look at those muscles, could be a great beast of burden.” Orlam looked away in disgust. Even though he was a Werewolf, he always found the thought of it sickened him. He walked away with a sick feeling at the bottom of his stomach.

He slowly made his way through the crowd and towards a gray building In it contained his small apartment that he rented with his meager living. The door slid open as he walked through and the elevator opened at the sound of his voice and took him to the floor with his apartment. He walked through the gray hallway without meeting anyone and entered a door that looked like every other except for the number two-twenty-four on a plaque above it. Orlam walked through the door when it opened when he touched it.

His house was not much except for kitchen with all the essentials, a living room with a couch and television, and the room he slept in on most nights. But for tonight he would not sleep, he had something to do, something important. He pulled a note out of his pocket that he read many times over that day when he received it. It simply said:

“Life is going to change for all Werewolves. I need to speak to you, tonight when the moon is high by the Tree of Likon. Signed, The Wolf With Many Faces.”

Orlam knew the note by heart, but The Wolf With Many Faces he knew only by that name. The Wolf was as mysterious as the human behavior. He only meet you when he wanted to, and you could never find him. His nickname suited him well because every time you met him he would look different. Orlam only met him twice before and each time he was different in some way.

Hey, Ash! Sweet, I get first dibs!

The sun shown bright on the mid-afternoon day of Topisk.

“A young male, very strong, too.

Replace the first comma with the dashes. (--) I don't think the comma belongs.

“Look at those muscles, could be a great beast of burden.”

Replace the comma with a semi or a period.

He walked away with a sick feeling at the bottom of his stomach.

Repetition of sick is irritating. You said it in the previous sentence. Maybe 'bad' or 'ill' or some other word. The thesaurus is helpful in that area. ^_^

He slowly made his way through the crowd and towards a gray building.

The door slid open as he walked through. [s]and[/s] the elevator opened at the sound of his voice and took him to the floor with his apartment.

Orlam walked through the door when it opened when he touched it.

How about: ...when it opened at his touch.

I need to speak to you, tonight when the moon is high, by the Tree of Likon.

He only [s]meet[/s] met you when he wanted to, and you could never find him.

Shorter than I had expected. I got it done tonight. ^_^

Very good job, though. A little more description on the human's appearance. Maybe he was filthy, bags were under his eyes from lack of sleep, bruises were all over his body, shackles hung from his wrists and ankles--so much to say! And that's only the start. You could describe one of Orlam's experiences with the Wolf with Many Faces, or both. The reader could get a better understanding when he/she finally meets him.

Otherwise, good job. Can't wait to read more. ^_^

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hello! Okay first, this was a really good start, although it was a little short. I hope you add more on. Next: this sounds a lot like Planet of the Apes in some parts. But I'm sure you can make this unique some how. The ending was very good; it left me hanging and wanting to read more. All I suggest you fix is the length. But, that's it!

Good job,
Nariel

This was good. I liked it especially the beginning. Nothing to critique here. Good Job

He slowly made his way through the crowd and towards a gray building In it contained his small apartment that he rented with his meager living. The door slid open as he walked through and the elevator opened at the sound of his voice and took him to the floor with his apartment. He walked through the gray hallway without meeting anyone and entered a door that looked like every other except for the number two-twenty-four on a plaque above it. Orlam walked through the door when it opened when he touched it.

You've been using he throughout the paragraph, why the sudden change? Also the bit about opening the door seems to wordy. Oh, never mind, Jabber seems to have caught it and gave you a good suggestion. ^_^

Orlam knew the note by heart, but The Wolf With Many Faces he knew only by that name. The Wolf was as mysterious as the human behavior. He only meet you when he wanted to, and you could never find him. His nickname suited him well because every time you met him he would look different. Orlam only met him twice before and each time he was different in some way.

I don't think you need 'the' unless you're referring to the human auctioned in the beginning. If so, it is hard to deduce and you'd need to say human's... I think it would be best if you just removed it and addressed all human behavior.

All in all, it was a well written piece though a tad short. I'd love to read more of it! I'm afraid I don't know much about Orlam yet except that he's a werewolf with a low wage. But, he seems relatable and I guess you'd show us more in the next chapter of excerpt. I think because it's short, I can't seem to take a stance on this but, I do like the part about the humans in cages, it's unique.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

Cheers,

-starry

I enjoyed this. Good job, Jab pretty much covered all the errors. Good job, and keep it up.

-Joel-

Here is the second half to part 1. Enjoy

Last time he meet The Wolf his fur was black as pitch and he wanted to discuss something with Orlam’s job. Nothing much, just that the sale prices at the store were slowly going up. But now, now it was something that concerned the entire Werewolf community. Was it a new weapon, Orlam thought, or even a revolutionary cure for some of the diseases affecting us. Or was he just telling me that the prices are because of some big event that’s going to happen. He could not wrap his mind around something that big.

He left as the moon was cloaking the city with her bright light. The city was crowded, but not as crowded as it was earlier that day. He managed to walk across the entire square without walking into someone. The cage still stood in the center of the square with the humans inside. No light shone on the cage, but Orlam could here sounds in there like they were eating something, possibly fruit. No matter how Orlam felt sorry for the humans he never understood how they could eat such thing as fruit when raw meat was even better.

He soon came upon came to the edge of a vast lake: the Lake of Iroma. The lake close to the shore was the bluest of any water, but further away where the night took over it was blacker than the deepest cave. Orlam knew the story behind this like every pup growing up. Iroma, an ancient Werewolf leader fought human savages on the shores and won. So from that day on humans have been on the Werewolves’ leashes. A tree was raised in honor of that battle that forever was know as the Battle of Likon. Why The Wolf chose the Tree of Likon was beyond him.

When he arrived at the tree there was not a soul to be seen. This didn’t surprise him now because that was to be expected of The Wolf. He appeared when he wanted to. But the second meeting with The wolf scared him half to death. The Wolf came out of the shadows with his pitch black fur walking as silently as ghost, his paws never making a sound on the ground.

“Hello Orlam,” said a quiet and mysterious voice behind Orlam. He quickly turned around, and there stood a wolf with fur as white as the snow in mid-winter. His clothing blacker than the night that was above the water. The Wolf’s face was held stern as he said, “Been a long time, young brother, too long.”

“So, what’s the ‘important news’ you wish to tell me?” Orlam asked. “The note made it sound urgent.”

“I’ll just cut to the chase since you’ve always been a bit slow,” The Wolf teased. “There’s a group of humans going to lead a revolt.” Orlam did his best not to laugh. Even though he had much sympathy towards the humans, the idea of a human revolt was like someone saying that one plus one did not equal two. “Orlam, I am being serious. They are fully prepared to lead a revolt against us.”

“But how can they fight us, they are only dumb beasts?”

“They’re not as dumb as you think. I have talked to them, some Werewolves are even on their side. They need a Werewolf on their side that works at a store to provide food and supplies. Will you help them?”

“I sorry, Wolf, but I can’t. I can’t risk something like this.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. But can’t you call me Lethero. I will see you around then.” He started to walk off, but before he turned around before he walked into the alley as if he forgot something. “One more thing. Here’s my address incase you change your mind, but I’m sorry to say I can’t convince you.” He handed Orlam a note with a quickly scribbled address and walked off between an alley and the darkness engulfed him.

for part one, your line "he always found the thought of it sickened him. He walked away with a sick feeling at the bottom of his stomach." this part is redundant...... you need more description. this story conflicts with almost all werewolf story and legend i know....this seems to be sci fi , you might want to have it moved.

"Last time he meet"
should be
"The last time he met"

"I sorry, Wolf"
should be
"I'm sorry, Wolf"

“I’m sorry to hear that. But can’t you call me Lethero."
should be
“Sorry to hear that. But can’t you call me Lethero?"

This is a very good story, one of my only complaints is that it seems too flat, and too straightforward. Try adding some backstory, subplots, and more developed characters.

Nice and unique too, R. J. Hoffman is just being ridiculous. I mean, come ON, isn't the point to not be cliched? I've avoided doing werewolf or vampire stories because the legends make it too cliched. And by the way, dunno what he's talking about that line "needing more description," it could do with a little less actually. And for the record, I think this belongs in Fantasy. It's greatly overpowered by fantasy elements, I actually don't know where any science comes in.

~Aet

i stated i had only critiqued the first post.
What i meant by the science fiction section, is the whole hightech voice activated tech. and stuff, but thats just my opinion, it all depends on where the story goes. what i intended by "this story conflicts with almost all werewolf story and legend i know" is that it defys the vary definition of werewolfs. arent they part human and only turn into werewolfs in the presence of the full moon. the whole wolf in the day confuses me a bit. wouldnt they just be some sort of sort of super intelegent wolf people then. that would explain the human revolt, because you becaome a werewolf by being bit by one, if they were werewolfs humans would run around trying to inject werewolf saliva into them to become one and escape oppression.

Alright, Ash. I'm sorry I held this off, but my teachers swamped me with homework and I still] didn't get it all finished. >_< Anyway, here goes nothin'...or somethin' XD

Last time he meet The Wolf, his fur was black as pitch and he wanted to discuss something with Orlam’s job.

The underlined part didn't make sense to me. I might just never have seen it before, but I think you meant "pitch black."

Nothing much, just that the sale prices at the store were slowly going up.

Maybe start this a bit more formally? Like He wanted to inform him that the sale...? Or something like that. What you did may reflect the fact you always wrote in first person. xD Well, we're gonna help you get this third person 'thang' down.

But now, now it was something that concerned the entire Werewolf community.

Replace the comma with the triple dots (...) for a more dramatic effect or just delete a 'now'.

Was it a new weapon, Orlam thought, or even a revolutionary cure for some of the diseases affecting us.

This ends with a question mark because he's asking himself a question. ^_^

Or was he just telling me that the prices are because of some big event that’s going to happen.

Another question. And, btw, (you may have done this on the original document) but I'd italicize the character's thoughts. It'll be easier for the reader to distinguish the thoughts from the narration. It's your choice though. ^_^

He left as the moon was cloaking the city with her bright light.

I would -probably- start this sentence with "Orlam" to add more variety. Too many 'he's can get crazy.

No light shone on the cage, but Orlam could [s]here[/s] hear sounds in there like they were eating something, possibly fruit.

Here, you state pretty specifically what the humans were doing. You could just simply say he heard them fighting for the little fruit they were given or something. This would also tie in some description without the reader realizing. ^_^

No matter how much Orlam felt sorry for the humans, he never understood how they could stand to eat [s]such thing as[/s] something as ridiculous as fruit when raw meat was even better.

You may think of a better way to rephrase it. =/

He soon came upon [s]came to[/s] the edge of a vast lake: the Lake of Iroma.

The lake close to the shore was the bluest of any water, but further away where the night took over it was blacker than the deepest cave.

Maybe...The outside of the lake was a gorgeous blue, but the water turned blacker into the center. Or...The coast was a pure blue while the center of the lake was blacker than the deepest cave. Meh, something like either of those. =/

Iroma, an ancient Werewolf leader, fought human savages on the shores and won. [s]So[/s] from that day on, humans have been on the Werewolves’ leashes. A tree was raised in honor of [s]that[/s] battle [s]that[/s] forever [s]was[/s] known as the Battle of Likon.

When he arrived at the tree, there was not a soul to be seen. This didn’t surprise him [s]now[/s] because that was to be expected of The Wolf.

He appeared when he wanted to. [s]But[/s] [s]the[/s] his second meeting with The wolf scared him half to death.

Capitalize.

The Wolf came out of the shadows with his pitch black fur walking as silently as a ghost, his paws never making a sound on the ground.

This seems a bit awkward. It's kind of a given that The Wolf would arrive with his fur, isn't it? Maybe his black fur blended in with the surrounding darkness or his golden eyes stood out from the darkness. Something like that--description blended in so smoothly that the reader doesn't realize it.

He quickly turned around, and there stood a wolf with fur as white as the snow in mid-winter.

How about as white as snow or as white as midwinter snow. (Midwinter is one word! )

His clothing blacker than the night that was above the water. The Wolf’s face was held stern as he said, “Been a long time, young brother, too long.”

Try something like: His clothing was blacker than the night, his face stern as he said in his low growl [your choice of voice], "It has been a long time, young brother...too long." He sounds pretty wise and...you know what I mean? Try to make his dialogue reflect that. Make him seem like he's wise and know what he's doing, not speaking the same dialect as the Werewolves there.

Orlam did his best not to laugh. Even though he had much sympathy towards the humans, the idea of a human revolt was like someone saying that one plus one did not equal two.

Orlam stifled his laughter or Orlam snickered. Later, The Wolf says he was serious, so Orlam must have shown humor in his eyes or something for The Wolf to get the hint. Maybe The Wolf has a sixth sense? If so, have Orlam think that to the reader, that he wonders if The Wolf has that sixth sense.

Also, Maybe ...that one plus one equals four or eleven.

“But how can they fight us, they are only dumb beasts?”

This should be two sentences. "But how can they fight against us? They are only dumb beasts!"

I have talked to them, some Werewolves are even on their side.

Two sentences. "I have talked to them. Some Werewolves are even on their side."

They need a Werewolf on their side that works at a store to provide food and supplies.

Rephrase this so you're not simply telling the reader the obvious. We can assume it when you make a more realistic statement. "Some of those Werewolves are merchants or butchers." Or "Because some of those Werewolves are merchants or butchers themselves, the humans find they are capable of rebellion."

“I'm sorry, Wolf, but I can’t. I can’t risk something like this.”

Risk something like...what? His reputation? His life? He doesn't want to be caged up like a human?

“I’m sorry to hear that. But can’t you call me Lethero.

This should be two sentences. Also, should it be "...but you can't call me Lethero"? If you typed what you meant, it should be a comma.

(It's your name! )

He started to walk off, but [s]before[/s] he turned around before he walked into the alley as if he forgot something.

Maybe: He started to walk off, but stopped short of the alley and turned around to face Orlam once again.

“One more thing. Here’s my address incase you change your mind, but I’m sorry to say I can’t convince you.”

Woah, The Wolf is offering his address?? I thought he was a secretive person and only appeared when he wanted. Maybe there's a secret howl or signal that Orlam could use to get Lethero? It just seemed kind of weird that The Wolf would hand an address.

Overall, I liked your idea! You're right, I liked this. A rebellion is a great idea for this story! I look forward to more, really! Let me know when you have more. I'll try my best to get to it faster than I got to this. ^^;

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!