Dangerous Ink (Chapter 3)

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DANGEROUS INK

By Jonathan Hyde

Chapter III: A Convoy of Angels


My captor tossed the bone it was working on off the ledge and ambled towards me. I had been lying on the ground on the ledge for a long time now, waiting for the creature to finish its meal and go to its next course: me. The body it ate was one of a female human, but other than that I couldn’t bear to lean more. I stared at the beast as it came closer. If I had believed in god, I would have prayed my heart out right then. But praying wouldn’t save me. I jumped to my feet and made for the cave.

The creature’s scaly arm grabbed at my feet. I felt the blood oozing from my still open cuts. The arm didn’t budge to my constant pounding, and my foot soon slipped into its grasp. I was dragged back onto the ledge. The creature pinned me against the wall farthest from the cave entrance. I felt water pouring down my face. I wiped away the tears, but new ones took their place.
* * *
I felt like I was going to die for the third time in my life. If it wasn’t for the horrible time I had spent in the cave, or lying on the floor of the that ledge, or the trauma from getting stabbed, or from the reawakening of the fact that everyone knew was gone, I might have stood up and taken my last stand then, in the face of the cruelest creature I had ever met. But it was this moment of weakness that, in the end, saved my life.
* * *
“A human!”

“Over there!”

“There’s a muncher to the fore wind!”

“Ready to dive!”

By this time I opened my eyes, burning with tears, to see where the new voices were coming from. I saw them, flying in formation. They were beautiful humans, all women. Wings sprouted from their shoulders, as long as they were tall, and I couldn’t help believing they were angels. The leader, who had done much of the shouting, was the most beautiful, with long, brown hair, and the most remarkable eyes.

I tried shouting through my tears. “Help me! Over here!” I couldn’t realize that I was jumping and screaming with all my energy, and I couldn’t care less. The winged creatures were now circling over our heads, and approaching quickly. I dug my nails into my captor for the last time. While it barely winced, it gave me time to dodge under its chubby legs.

They were over my head now, approaching me. Their white cloaks brushed against my face. I could feel all the tears stop, and my hope raised. The leader issued one last order.

“Get the boy!”

Whether from the creature, or from exhaustion, or from the joy I got from knowing I would live, I blacked out.

* * *
“Get him some of that water.”

The sound of the winged creature’s voice woke me up from my trance. I pursed my lips as water poured into my throat. It revitalized my senses, and I found myself being carried in a giant basket, which I saw being carried by a trio of the winged creatures. Their leader and another creature; a mouse with a beak for a mouth; which was perched on the leader’s shoulder, were the only people accompanying me in the cart.

“Hello, I’m Veronica. You’ve been asleep for an hour now. You’re not from here, are you? Oh yeah, this is Milly. He won’t say anything. We can speak freely now, if you want.” Veronica was even more beautiful up close, and her words echoed with truth and kindness.

“Hi, I’m John. What… um…,” I wondered if asking questions would be disrespectful, and quickly stopped.

“You can ask questions, John. You’re actually quite an honored guest here. Even Milly agrees.” The little creature chirped in agreement.

“Where are we?” I quickly spat out.

Veronica’s response was quick and sure. “We’re near the border of where the mountains and plains meet. We’re a ways off yet, but we’ll be there soon.”

More questions poured out of me. “What was that you saved me from?”

“A muncher,” she replied, “one particularly horrible creature in the mountains. They stuff themselves on the meat of their victims.” She saw the expression on my face and laughed. I couldn’t resist laughing along. “Maybe we shouldn’t talk about munchers now. Get some sleep, okay? And if you need help, call me or Milly or any of the other Commena (that’s us). We’re all good people. Trust me.”

With one glance at Veronica’s amber eyes, I fell asleep. Nothing could harm me now. I was in the presence of good people. As it turns out, I was right.
"Son, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A felon!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yah! This kid at school says they get all the girls!"
"I should try that..."




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Well, that was an interesting development. I'm quite curious to hear more about these Commena, and I like how you're starting to work with your main character a little more. Before I kind of felt like, "Okay, who is this guy and why should I care?" But his personality is starting to show up rather more.

A couple things...
I was jumping and screaming

Maybe I missed something, but wasn't he pinned against the wall? How would he jump...?

Other than that, I feel like winged, angelic "good guy" characters are a little cliche, but I could easily be wrong. In any case, it seems like they're a major part of the plotline, so I imagine even if it was cliche, it would be too hard to change. XD

All in all, as interesting as ever, I can't wait to read more!
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

Hey, how about a free review?




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Emotions of the character is told, not showed, making it irrelevant from the piece. Show us the reason as to why he felt that way. Draw on from the environment and the external conflicts.

The flow of the story is distrupted twice with the piece being cutted up into 3 parts. Personally, if you are going to do that, you need to have established a stronger base with the piece as a whole. Either that, or use a transition technique to link up these parts somehow.

The angelic people was cliche. We all know that angels symbolize peace and that they have wings and they are "beautiful". That's a sterotype and it isn't very creative. The angelic people saving the character at the last minute is deus ex machina and you need to show us the reason as to why they saved a random person at the moment of his demise.
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."




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but other than that I couldn’t bear to learn more

I added the r

If I had believed in god, I would have prayed my heart out right then

Capitalize the g in God. You don't have to believe in God to pray, either. Some people in really dire situations pray out of the sake of desperation, though rationally they think it's as useful as requesting help from a rock.

I felt the blood oozing from my still open cuts

Delete still, unless she heals unusually slow. All that matters is that they were open.

The arm didn’t budge to my constant pounding,

I would change to: I battered the monster's arm, but it didn't even budge.

felt like I was going to die for the third time in my life. If it wasn’t for the horrible time I had spent in the cave, or lying on the floor of the that ledge, or the trauma from getting stabbed, or from the reawakening of the fact that everyone knew was gone, I might have stood up and taken my last stand then, in the face of the cruelest creature I had ever met. But it was this moment of weakness that, in the end, saved my life.

Good work. You convey interesting details regarding the character's history without stopping the story. This ties me more to the story.

The leader, who had done much of the shouting, was the most beautiful, with long, brown hair, and the most remarkable eyes.

How does he know the leader did most of the shouting at this particular instant in the story? Didn't he have his eyes shut while they were shouting?

Their leader and another creature; a mouse with a beak for a mouth;

Change the semicolons to hyphens.

You’re not from here, are you?

I believe the correct phrase is are you not.

“You can ask questions, John. You’re actually quite an honored guest here. Even Milly agrees.” The little creature chirped in agreement.


Argh! Get out of my head! Seriously, did the mouse just read John's mind?

With one glance at Veronica’s amber eyes, I fell asleep. Nothing could harm me now. I was in the presence of good people. As it turns out, I was right.

I think this is unrealistic. Has he seen these angels before? How does he know they are really good, unless he's heard of such things doing benevelont things? Has he? That's not the issue, though. The entire conversation seemed kind of forced. It wasn't bad, but it didn't seem particularly realistic. I'm not convinced by your characterization, at this point. Hopefully they'll appear more three dimensional in your next installments. I would have made the character more suspicious, perhaps, but that's just me.

Yes, the angels is a cliche, but changing that is up to you. Perhaps you should give them a twist, because every SFF needs one. I don't necessarily mean a twist-ending, but rather something about the story that enthralls the reader. That's why cliches are discouraged, because they're not captivating.



He looks like a turtle who's been through the Vietnam war.
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi