The Blue King - Chapter One

Chapter One! This chapter sets up the rest of the plot, so if you find it dry, I'm sorry, but I generally refrain from jumping headlong into the plot.

If you're trying to decifer the names, sound them out--you're probably right. I only use names I can pronounce. Ee-anna. Jen-gar-ae. Etc.

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Ianna J’engar-ai was the last of her kind; one of the few royal families left, hers had been a particularly potent line, one whose blood—even a drop—could turn any human into a full-blooded sorcerer. She was in command of a hold, one whose people all wielded a Talent of some sort, but they were few in number, and their powers grew weaker with every generation. A few more years, and the J’engar-ai line would disappear all together.

She was small, by her people’s standards, though it is to be noted that they were all very tall and thick-bodied; she possessed a dark head of hair and equally dark eyes, eyes that flashed amber whenever she was angry. Unlike the other noblebloods, she did not wear the finest barnu pellets nor jewels, save the two gold rings bound in her hair to designate her station, and the golden torc that was the symbol her family’s honor.

She was thin and willowy, like the desert grasses, though her muscles were as tough as whipcords and sinewy. She was also the king’s favorite advisor, for while her prowess in battle was indeed grand, her mind was exceptionally sharp, and her insight into any matter was always painfully correct.

Thus she was sitting cross-legged beside her cousin, the High King Aedaan, nibbling on barnu meat as the guards ushered in another of her cousins, King Pilan, a rotund and foolish man with a beard that was long, harsh and stuck out like spikes from his chin. He was known for being utterly ruthless in battle, and for having a distinct disliking of King’s Thieves—and thus he gave Ianna, who had been, since her thirteenth birthday, the King’s Head Thief, a dirty look upon entering and sat daintily down upon the cushion prepared for him.

“My king,” he greeted Aedaan, who inclined his head in response, but no more. There was a long silence, broken only by Pilan’s wheezing breaths.

“Do you wish to insult me?” Aedaan said finally, leaning backward. “You will greet Thief Ianna as is proper.”

Pilan’s upper lip wrinkled upward as if he smelled something particularly distasteful. “M’lady.”

“You’ve been pillaging again, Pilan,” Ianna said unforgivingly, tossing with a loud, harsh clang a golden statue head to the floor at his knees. “This once adorned the temple in Baevaar.” Other than Kaenul, the King’s City, Baevaar was the only city J’engar possessed. It had been built by one of the ancestors, as a place to house the women and children in the event Talon attacked, but now served as a center for religious activity. Bearing weapons into Baevaar was by itself a hanging offense.

His narrow eyes staring down at the golden head, Pilan’s flaccid cheeks turned an abrupt, terrified white; little droplets of sweat began to stand out on his brow. The offense to the city aside, it was also considered stealing from the king—yet another mark against him. It was common knowledge that while Aedaan was a kinder king than any king before him, but it was equally known that he had strung up a first cousin for raping a village woman. High King Aedaan was not a man to trifle with.

And for that matter, neither was his advisor, the King’s Thief Ianna.

“Falsehoods, majesty,” Pilan said, managing to keep his tone light despite his obvious terror. “Anyone could have taken the head—”

“Now my Thief is at fault?” Aedaan demanded, his voice clipped and angry. “You dare to try to put the blame on her?”

“I wonder how he might, as these were found in his private treasury—to which only he has a key.” A coin appeared in her hands, with the Pilan’s family’s mark, that of the J’engar-ha. “I took this as a souvenir on my way out—as proof.”

“You majesty, please, you cannot possibly—” Pilan begged, his pudgy, bejeweled fingers winking in the light as they shook.

“You have been a constant pain in my backside, Pilan,” Aedaan said sternly. “I was unwilling to take you from power without due cause—and you have given me it. Quite admirably, in fact. Your rule will be given to J’engar-fae.”

“And … and what of me, majesty?” Pilan whispered, clasping his hands together as if a pose of prostration would supplicate Aedaan.

“You will be ceremonially killed and buried,” Aedaan replied, waving a guard forward. “Immediately.”

“Immediately, my king?” Ianna murmured, as Pilan was dragged limply from the king’s hall amidst much groveling and weeping. “There will be few to see it.”

“I do not care.” Aedaan turned to face her, his long, tanned face creased with worry. “I have received word from J’engar-tul—Pilan is a confirmed spy. We cannot afford to let him live.”

Ianna’s brow wrinkled slightly, the only indication that the news bothered her considerably. “Pilan? But—Pilan is—”

“A courageous fighter,” Aedaan interrupted. “We simply considered him harmless for he had allowed his body to degenerate—no more. It was a mistake I will not make again.”

“Nor I, majesty.” Ianna unfolded her legs and stood, dark eyes unreadable. “With your permission, majesty, there are things that need attending to.”

Aedaan nodded. “Ianna—” She paused, looking back at him. “Return in three day’s time.”

“Majesty?” Ianna inquired softly, confused by this unorthodox request.

“The holds are gathering.” He reached forward to snatch up his goblet, taking a steadying sip. “They wish to send an envoy to Talon—an envoy of peace, and friendship.”

“Of peace,” Ianna hissed, a deep, furious gold bubbling up from the depths of her eyes and bursting at the surface. “They post border patrols, and kill our people at Midsummer, when we are gathered close to the border! What peace can there be with a people who sentenced us to a life of rocks and—and sand?”

Aedaan rubbed tiredly at his forehead, his normally bright and warm brown eyes downcast. “I understand this, Ianna, just as they do. But they feel we must take the higher ground, and extend a hand of friendship. If they take it, our exile is at an end; if they refuse it, we have proof that—despite the declaration that they do not consider us enemies and will not touch us—they consider us below them. I cannot fight them on this, Ianna; it is their people’s desire, and their own.” He paused, looking up at her, his pale woven robes rustling as he moved. “Do not your people beg you for this?”

“My people live for Talon death,” Ianna hissed. “My people patrol your borders and keep the Talon mongrels from reaching the other holds—my people understand what sort of friendship the Talons have to offer!”

Aedaan gave a crooked, if defeated, smile. “I am counting on it. You may go.”

Ianna bowed her head jerkily, and on her way out, the guards gave her a jaunty salute that they’d never bothered with before.

Okay... Huge info dump here. Uh, I'm gonna have to read it again but my first impression is that you have alot planned out. Thats accually really good and shows that you know where the stories going.

Uh, I kinda wanna know what a King's Thief is but I'm guessing I'll find that out later. I like the names but you might wanna shorten them to a nickname or somesuch. Like I did with Khor. His full name is Khoralie Hymanshi Dexab Jushinjii so...

I suggest you take it a little at a time cause I read alot of names and stuff that I know I'm gonna have to remember in the futere. Oh, and describe the room more, cause there I was at a total blank so. Can't wait to read more!


~Pol~

Ianna J’engar-ai was the last of her kind; one of the few royal families left, hers (I'd say start a new sentance here) had been a particularly potent line, one whose blood—even a drop—could turn any human into a full-blooded sorcerer. She was in command of a hold, (put a ; instead I think) one whose people all wielded a Talent of some sort, but they were few in number, and their powers grew weaker with every generation. A few more years, and the J’engar-ai line would disappear all together.

She was small, by her people’s standards, though it is to be noted that they were all very tall and thick-bodied; she possessed a dark head of hair and equally dark eyes, eyes that flashed amber whenever she was angry. Unlike the other noblebloods, she did not wear the finest barnu pellets nor jewels, save the two gold rings bound in her hair to designate her station, and the golden torc that was the symbol her family’s honor.

Okay, I'm a great fan of semi-colons and commas, but this is a bit much. Periods are great too you know. This normal sized paragraph is only two sentances...you get the point.

It was common knowledge that [s]while[/s] Aedaan was a kinder king than any king before him, but it was equally known that he had strung up a first cousin for raping a village woman

.


Cool! I like it. One thing that you will have to be careful with is our dear Mary Sue. Ianna, so far, has been showing a bit of this in her. That is fine for the very beginning, but as you go on you must add somethings to change this.

Good job!

-GJ

I'm so amazingly happy (see 'Randomness' forum), that I decided to critique the first piece I saw, so here it is!

Firstly, I really love your writing style. It's effortless to read, which seems to me that it was effortlessly written, which is good. I also like the character of Ianna, and, at the moment, she's very well-written. Also, your grammar, spelling and format is excellent, which makes my job easier! Well done! However, it's clear you have some problems, the biggie of these being that you have a tendency to info-dump. So, let's begin.

Ianna J’engar-ai was the last of her kind; one of the few royal families left, hers had been a particularly potent line, one whose blood—even a drop—could turn any human into a full-blooded sorcerer. She was in command of a hold, one whose people all wielded a Talent of some sort, but they were few in number, and their powers grew weaker with every generation. A few more years, and the J’engar-ai line would disappear all together.

She was small, by her people’s standards, though it is to be noted that they were all very tall and thick-bodied; she possessed a dark head of hair and equally dark eyes, eyes that flashed amber whenever she was angry. Unlike the other noblebloods, she did not wear the finest barnu pellets nor jewels, save the two gold rings bound in her hair to designate her station, and the golden torc that was the symbol her family’s honor.

She was thin and willowy, like the desert grasses, though her muscles were as tough as whipcords and sinewy. She was also the king’s favorite advisor, for while her prowess in battle was indeed grand, her mind was exceptionally sharp, and her insight into any matter was always painfully correct.

These first three paragraphs are basically just one big info-dump. The fact that each paragraph starts with 'Ianna J'engar-ai/she was' immediately tells me that it's going to be info-dumping me with something, without even looking at the content. It would be best to show introduce these elements of Ianna gradually, which will prolong the story, as well as being more subtle.

For instance, instead of telling us directly that she is of noble blood, let the way she speaks, and the way that others act around her, confirm that for us. Show, don't tell. Again, 'small, by her people's standards'. We don't need to know this, at least not yet. Show it later on in the story, perhaps by having her speak to one of her people, and emphasising the difference in size. The same goes for her being the king's favourite advisor. Have the king look at her with a twinkle in his eye when they are together, have him smile at her. Let your reader fill in the gaps, otherwise just being told everything is like reading a text book, and it just makes the piece become boring and repetetive to read.

Thus she was sitting cross-legged beside her cousin, the High King Aedaan, nibbling on barnu meat as the guards ushered in another of her cousins, King Pilan, a rotund and foolish man with a beard that was long, harsh and stuck out like spikes from his chin. He was known for being utterly ruthless in battle, and for having a distinct disliking of King’s Thieves—and thus he gave Ianna, who had been, since her thirteenth birthday, the King’s Head Thief, a dirty look upon entering and sat daintily down upon the cushion prepared for him.

This is better - in fact, the 'nibbling on barnu meat' part is an excellent example of showing, as 'nibbling' is something quite petite, and this carries on to the picture of Ianna in the reader's mind. Howver, you're still dumping the info here, when talking about King Pilan. Have what he says to the king show us he's ruthless in battle, and how he looks at Ianna confirm that he doesn't like her. In fact, you don't even need to say he doesn't like Thieves, just 'he gave Ianna, who had been, since her thirteenth birthday, the King's Head THief, a dirty look upon entering...' will do perfectly.

Pilan’s upper lip wrinkled upward as if he smelled something particularly distasteful. “M’lady.”

Again, you 'show' well here, although I suggest you remove 'upward', as the use of 'up' in 'upper lip# makes this sentence sound awkward. Also, 'unpleasant' might be better than 'distasteful', as he's smelling something, not tasting it. 'Pilan's upper lip wrinkled as if he smelled something particularly unpleasant. "M'lady." ' sounds neater.

You’ve been pillaging again, Pilan,” Ianna said unforgivingly, tossing with a loud, harsh clang a golden statue head to the floor at his knees. “This once adorned the temple in Baevaar.” Other than Kaenul, the King’s City, Baevaar was the only city J’engar possessed. It had been built by one of the ancestors, as a place to house the women and children in the event Talon attacked, but now served as a center for religious activity. Bearing weapons into Baevaar was by itself a hanging offense.

Again, you're telling, not showing. Have them talk about Beavaar, and about how it is an offense to bear weapons there. This would also extend the scene, and help to make it seem slightly less rushed, as it has a tendency to be doing at the moment.

His narrow eyes staring down at the golden head, Pilan’s flaccid cheeks turned an abrupt, terrified white; little droplets of sweat began to stand out on his brow. The offense to the city aside, it was also considered stealing from the king—yet another mark against him. It was common knowledge that while Aedaan was a kinder king than any king before him, but it was equally known that he had strung up a first cousin for raping a village woman. High King Aedaan was not a man to trifle with.

And for that matter, neither was his advisor, the King’s Thief Ianna.

I think you know what I'm gonna say! Although, I don't think it's necessary to cut out the 'strung up his cousin' bit, just the 'common knowledge that the king...' and all that. Again, show it, with how people react around him. Describe the atmosphere surrounding the king as being calm and controlled.

Your dialogue is very well done - although the mention of the coin needs to, yes, you guessed it, be shown, instead of stated that it is what it is. I also like how the king is ruthless enough to order Palin's execution - it adds depth to a character who has been described as kind and loving. However, I think a slight show of remorse would also add to his depth of character, as it is doubtful that such a kind king would so uncaringly take away a life, however guilty the victim.

The rest of this is fairly good, and at last you begin to show, not tell - albeit, through dialogue, but it's a good start. It will come more naturally to you as you get more used to it.

All in all, this is good, and very promising work. I look forward to reading and critiquing the next installment. However, I must now, I fear, go to bed, as it's 2.44 am, and I've got to get up fairly early tomorrow - or today!

Hey there,

First off, I liked the basics of the story, and after reading it, I was interested in reading more, I just wish that there was more for me to read in this chapter that would help define things. If you understand my meaning, Its not in the greatest interest of me to read a chapter of a book twice or three times and ask myself "well, what was that about?" It almost felt like a huge rush of information and I just wanted to slow it down and have things told to me.

Honestly, I liked the basic skeleton of the story you have given the readers. However, if I could ask for anything, All I would want is some more clarifying.

I am not a big fighter of grammar errors so I am of no authority to argue that

Hopefully, I will get the chance to read some more from you.

Remember, these are only my opinions.