Unknown Story Chap. 13 part 1

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~Chapter Thirteen~
Seeking Safety





Knall awoke with the sun in his eyes. He slowly got up, the boat swaying and throwing his balance off. He looked around and his vision soon adjusted. He saw Derez looking extremely tired at the wheel of the boat.

“Oh, good morning Knall.”

“Where are we?”

“We’re traveling on the Kystel River. Once we reach the Hidden Forest we need to abandon the boat and head for the Selsean Mountains. At least that’s my plan.”

“What’s at the Selsean Mountains?”

“Uh… Someone that can help us.” Knall still had man more questions but was glad that Derez had answered at least some of his.

“Why can’t we just hide in The Hidden Forest?”

‘There are things there that must not be disturbed again.” More questions arising in Knall’s mind he felt that both of them needed some rest from what had happened last night.

So Knall remained silent throughout the rest of the day and read the book he had managed to bring with him. He was now more than half way through and had studied many spells, all of which he desperately wanted to experiment with.

After the sun had set and the moon had risen Knall offered to take the wheel for the night.

“Alright. Just keep her steady, she can do most of the steering if need be. If anything happens wake me immediately.” Knall nodded, eager to steer the boat.

After several hours of only lightly resting his hand on the wheel he became extremely bored. He gazed up at the moon like he had down several times before that. It looked the exact same anywhere he was.

A very small black dot appeared silhouetted against the moon. At first there was one, then two. Five, fourteen… Soon there were so many they blocked out the moon and even several hundred stars. “Uh, Derez. Derez! Wake up!” Derez didn’t move at all.

“!” Water splashed onto him, waking him instantly. “Derez, the sky!” Derez looked up and swore loudly, running for the wheel.

Knall quickly stepped aside as Derez said, “Rezlel’s sent Dark Hawks. They’re essentially made of light and fire magic, or water, or lightning, or earth. Whatever you need really. It’s the magic that holds them together. The point is they could easily kill us or sink the boat… Or both. In other wards start killing!” The Dark Hawks had drawn so much closer in the time it took for Derez to explain what they are. Derez began firing bolts of lightning at them and Knall sent rocks’ flying at them with wind spells.

No matter how many hawks they took down, a hundred seemed to take its place. Derez eventually told Knall to grab the wheel and stepped out unto the deck. He soared into the air and straight into the huge black mass, lightning bolts flying everywhere.

Eventually a wave of purple light shot out from the center and all the hawks began to fall. There was one black mass larger than the others, falling freely. Knall took off; flying towards the mass he thought was Derez. He had to push through thousands of hawks until he reached an unconscious Derez.

He caught him and returned to the boat, setting him down gently. Knall quickly returned to the helm. Runner had effectively kept itself from running into the ground or capsizing but needed a hand to steer it nevertheless.

After a few minutes of steering Runner, Knall went back to Derez. There didn’t seem to be any serious injury, as if he was just knocked out. Oh crap. What am I going to do if more Dark Hawks come back?

This was a brief thought, however. Knall was, at the moment, more concerned with making sure they didn’t crash. Knall sailed into the early hours of dawn; doing everything he could to make sure he wouldn’t fall asleep.

Just as the full sun rose over the horizon, Derez stood up, holding his head. “What I miss?”

“Oh nothing much.” Replied Knall. Although he didn’t show it he was filled with relief. “You managed to kill all the hawks. I had to catch you though. Are you hurt?”

“I don’t think so. Rezlel did something to the hawks. It’s like they absorbed my power. It was a minor spell, but they took more magic then I had to give.” Derez walked up to the helm and took the wheel from Knall.

“Are you tired? If you are, now will be the best time to take a nap, we’ll be there before dark.” Knall nodded but wasn’t exactly sure if he should take a nap.

“Wake me up if anything happens.”

“Of course.” Reluctantly Knall stepped down unto the deck, curled up in the center, his wings covering him, and closed his eyes. He fell asleep much more easily than he had at first expected. He had no dreams and merely embraced the feeling of rest. And silence.


*~*~*


Khor and Vathen stood in front of The Dark Fields. Merely staring. Before them was a straight wall of unmoving rain. Not any rain, more or less a curtain. So thick the ground beneath it was instantly turned into wet slippery mud. The clouds above it did not move past the solid line that marked The Dark Fields.

No one had ever been known to live in The Dark Fields due to obvious living conditions. “So, uh. Why do we have to go through here?”

“We need to go through.” After that simple statement Vathen stepped straight into the thick sheet of rain. He instantly disappeared and Khor tightened to straps on his pack and followed.

It was like he instantly stepped into… Wet. All of his cloths were instantly soaked through. Water even seeped into his socks and into his eyes. Beside this constantly wet, it was also extremely cold. The rain like small ice cubes, freezing ever place that was wet. This was everywhere.

He was also very weak suddenly. The constant beat of the rain on every part of his body instantly tired him. There was only a hazy dark figure ahead he thought was Vathen. Vathen reached back, putting a hand on Khor’s shoulder and pointing ahead. Khor gave him thumbs up and followed him deeper into the cold darkness.

After what seemed like days but was only a few hours they rain let up slightly. It became warm almost instantly and Vathen set up an oilskin blanket so both could crowd under it.

Eager to get away from the constant batter of rain Khor quickly slipped in. Half their bodies were still exposed but their heads were slightly dryer. After ducking in Khor inhaled deeply.

“Wherever we’re going it’s not worth this.” Vathen smiled and replied.

“We’re not even half way through. Don’t worry; it’s the center that has the least rain.”

“Oh that’s a relief. I swear, I never want it to rain again.” Khor finally noticed Vathen’s blindfold was very soggy.

“So, when are you going to tell me about the blindfold?”

“For one, never. And second, that’s hardly anything to be worried about at this point.” With that Vathen dropped the oilskin and stood up. Khor followed only because his head was drenched again.

Although it was impossible to tell what time it was in the eternal downpour, Vathen stopped and set up the oilskin again, this time on the ground. The two lay down, facing opposite directions and got a little amount of sleep.

In the morning, or what Khor thought was morning that was impossible to tell in this cloudy, rainy place; the two got up and Vathen put the oilskin away. The effects of The Dark Field were beginning to give Khor a large headache.

He walked along the hard, spiked rock, clutching his head, willing the pain to stop. Suddenly the hazy dark figure before him sank into the ground. As he walked on, Khor also sank into knee high mud.

Khor shouted out but the constant batter of the rain and wind made it so even he couldn’t hear what he said. Vathen looked back to make sure he was alright and continued on.

Khor used his hands to pull his legs from the gripping mud and moved faster so his legs wouldn’t get as stuck as before. They continued on like this for only a few minutes before Khor was completely exhausted.

His headache increasing and his legs worn out, Khor fell straight into the mud. The slippery muck seeped into every part of his cloths as he sank down. He couldn’t breathe, but was too tired to move his arms.



Soon his entire body was underneath the mud, now he had a will to breathe which only caused him to panic. His tired mind attempting to command his tired body, Khor only sank deeper.

Completely out of energy, Khor remained still. The sound of the rain completely deadened. He sat peacefully on the rocky surface, the air in his lungs all but gone. He began throbbing and shaking violently, his lungs now accepting anything.

Khor’s throat was flooded with mud, now chocking him even more affectively than the lack of air. Panic rose into Khor’s mind once more, but he let it go almost immediately. Knowing he was going to die Khor sat on the bottom of the large mud pit, drowning…
I used to rule the world, see it rise when I gave the word, now in the morning I sleep alone, sweep the streets I used to own

-Coldplay, Viva La Viva




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Yay! Another section :D!

Uh… Someone that can help us.” Knall still had [s]man[/s] more questions but was glad that Derez had answered at least some of his.


'There are things there that must not be disturbed again.” More questions arising in Knall’s mind and he felt that both of them needed some rest from what had happened last night.

That first quotation mark needs to be a " not a '. I know grammar stinks. Also say "More questions rose in Knall's mind and he felt that........" It sounds better and is more grammatically correct.

Just as the full sun rose over the horizon, Derez stood up, holding his head. “What I did miss?” add the did

Not any rain, more or less a curtain. So thick the ground beneath it was instantly turned into wet slippery mud
Ah, you're going to have to look these two sentances over and change something. They don't really make sense.

Beside [s]this[/s]the constant[s]ly[/s] wetness, it was also extremely cold. The rain was like small ice cubes, freezing every place that was wet. This was everywhere.
Add the bold parts

After what seemed like days, but was only a few hours, the[s]y[/s] rain let up slightly


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Um.....Correct this part
Khor’s throat was flooded with mud, now chocking him even more affectively than the lack of air. Panic rose into Khor’s mind once more, but he let it go almost immediately. Knowing he was going to die Khor sat on the bottom of the large mud pit, drowning…
It's wrong, cause Khor can't die, right?

Hehe. Anyway I really liked this one, with the dark hawks and all. Sorry about the grammar crase :P (you can tell that I already started school :( ). So, good job and good luck.

-Some pun on 'greenjay'
the greenjay strikes again...




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Uh… Someone that can help us.” Knall still had man more questions but was glad that Derez had answered at least some of his.


The someone doesn't need to be capitalised.

“Why can’t we just hide in The Hidden Forest?”


Sorry but this sentence just seems...wrong. Hiding in the hidden forest. The name is rather cliched.

Khor and Vathen stood in front of The Dark Fields. Merely staring.


The full stop the middle doesn't belong there, try a comma. Even then the sentence sounds awkwards so you should omit it.

Well, I don't see anything else that is wrong with your story. Description isn't bad, action is good. Keep it up!

*Fan*




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Good action with the Hawks and I'm sorry but I have my fingers crossed that Khor is going to drown =) Here's a few suggestions -

He gazed up at the moon like he had [s]down[/s] done several times before that.

The Dark Hawks had drawn so much closer in the time it took for Derez to explain what they [s]are[/s] were.

Derez began firing bolts of lightning at them and Knall sent rocks[s]’[/s] flying at them with wind spells.

No matter how many hawks they took down, a hundred seemed to take [s]its[/s] their place. Derez eventually told Knall to grab the wheel and stepped out unto the deck.

Reluctantly Knall stepped down [s]unto[/s] onto the deck, curled up in the center, his wings covering him, and closed his eyes.

He instantly disappeared and Khor tightened two straps on his pack and followed.

Khor gave him the thumbs up and followed him deeper into the cold darkness.

The slippery muck seeped into every part of his clothes as he sank down.

Khor’s throat was flooded with mud, now chocking him even more [s]affectively[/s] effectively than the lack of air.

Overall, you need some work on the grammar still and I'm never going to stop pushing you to add more description but in general good action, dialogue is going well and the plot is very nice.
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.



I like to create sympathy for my characters, then set the monsters loose.
— Stephen King