Unknown Story Chap. 7 part 1

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~Chapter Seven~
Yeseve




After sending the spell the man looked down at Khor. As he stood over him he thought [i]Idiot.
He waved at his belt and jacket and then summoned a doorway of light. He stepped through it while carrying Khor over his shoulder.

Inside everything was swirling around, blurred and unfocused. Only the ground which he walked upon was stable. He glanced around and saw the faint outline of the area where he was standing only a few moments ago. He looked around and continued along.

He walked several hours, carrying Khor over his right shoulder and his equipment over the other. The figure looked around and saw grey, ghost-like figures swirling all around him. Most had faces and the ones that didn’t usually ignored him. The ones that did have faces floated around him and looked at him, their expression’s bored.

None attempted to help him or to offer any sort of assistance. The grey, swirling figures merely looked at the situation uninterested and soon floated away. The figure ignored them too, which is the main reason why they ignored him.

After several hours of walking in the white-grey swirling land the figure eventually reached a small rounded hill with a solid building resting on the summit. The figure stopped and looked up. He smiled and continued walking towards it.

As he got closer the grey creatures became more numerous and looked more interested in the odd event.
“Lovely day.” One said in passing, addressing the figure. Another said
“Brought another, eh?” And looked repulsed. The figure continued on and replied to a few of the comments. But mostly focused on getting Khor to the ancient tower in the center of the hill.

With each step the mist swirled and the figure’s foot eventually met solid wood. He looked up again and saw an open aired room with comfortable mats in the center, with even more floating creatures conversing or simply reading, or sleeping. Most took no notice of the figure accept for two of the creatures that came over.
One was part grey, part blue and the other was part grey, part red. Neither had a distinguished face but both were known by the color of their clothes. They floated over and the figure said “Gyth, Jlk, how’s it going?” The two stopped and seemed to be considering the proper answer. The figure sighed and said “There’s no right or wrong answer.” The two looked completely fooled and the one in red, Gyth replied “Why do you always bring riddles with you, Vathen?”

Vathen gave a short, forced laugh. He set Khor on the floor and said
“He needs taking care of.”
“Don’t concern yourself with it.” Replied Jlk, snapping his fingers. Almost immediately two grey creatures drifted over. One grabbed Khor’s legs while the other grasped his wrists. They lifted him with quite a considerable effort and drifted out of Vathen’s view.

“Please come and have some tea.” Offered Jlk.

“Without a thought.” Replied Vathen.
So the three went off and found comfortable chairs. Eventually two grey things came up with a swirling tray of cups of tea and crackers. “Thank you.” Replied Vathen and the things bowed.

Vathen looked out at the endless swirling landscape. He brought the cup up to his lips and sipped the swirling liquid. It tasted like nothing. Like an absence of taste. But like it was trying extremely hard to taste like tea.

“So, Vathen. What brings you to Yeseve this time?” asked Gyth.
Vathen finished his tea and replied “Unfortunately, business.” Jlk looked saddened and Gyth looked reassured.
“Sorry, friends. I still pray for the time when I can come just to drink tea. But the organization has kept my hands strung with this new mission.”

“Oh, what must you do this time?” Asked Jlk.

“Deliver someone important. Well, at least they think he’s important. I find him to be a fool and rushes headstrong into situations that he knows he cannot possible succeed.”

“What a shame. He is the one you brought in, I suppose?” Asked Gyth. Vathen nodded in response.
“Hmm.”

Once the three had drank all the tea and ate all the crackers while talking, they stood. “Can I assume you’ve kept my room?” Asked Vathen.

“No one else would use it.” Replied Gyth. Vathen smiled and followed the escort they had sent. Even though he knew the way by memory he thought it would be polite to let them show him the way.

The grey creature led him to a set of stairs which they scaled easily. They went up two more floors and eventually entered a white room with a neatly made bed and a dresser with all of Vathen’s clothes inside. On top of the dresser was a large mirror. The room also had a window which overlooked a vast, long, straight swirling land.

With a bow, the creature left the room and closed the door behind him. Vathen unzipped the black cloak and pulled it off. Underneath was a light, yet useful armor. He removed it and soon the dirty, black shirt and the black pants. He quickly put on a more comfortable, loose shirt and pants.

He looked at himself in the mirror and saw his blue-silver hair. It was so long it reached down to his elbows. It wasn’t straight, or curly. It was simply, neatly messy. And in simpler words, the mess went in all one direction.

Next he focused on his face. Most was covered by a black silk blindfold. He did not take it off but looked at the rest of his face. It had been so long since he had seen his face properly. It wasn’t hard and dirty as it usually was, but now it was soft and pale. Like it was before the darkness…

A grey creature came into the room and stated simply “They are waiting for you down stairs.” Vathen nodded and the grey-thing bowed. The thing disappeared and Vathen descended the stairs until he reached the large, matted area where he had first come in. He found a long table set in the middle, now.

It was made of wood and had thirteen chairs on each side and one at each end. Grey-things were now gathering around the table and Vathen found a chair to the right of the head. Gyth sat at one end and Jlk found one at the other.

All the things were talking loudly until Jlk stood and the talk soon died out very quickly. “My friends! We have cause for a small amount of celebration today! Vathen has come back. As I am sure all of you have noticed.”

He gestured towards Vathen who nodded. “Now, my friends let us eat!” He clapped and several grey-things appeared and placed silver platters of pork, chicken, rolls, and various pastries on the wooden table.

Jlk sat and cut a piece of pork and placed it on his silver plate. Gyth did the same. They took a bite and when each nodded, Vathen and the other grey-things helped themselves to pork, and the other assorted foods. Vathen found a meager amount of chicken and one roll. “Is there not enough?” Asked Jlk, referring to Vathen’s small amount of food.

“You know I couldn’t Jlk. I attempt not to eat for pleasure.”

“But you must eat to live.” Jlk retorted. He reached over and put a chicken leg on Vathen’s plate. Vathen smiled and ate.

The meal was eventful. Vathen spoke with people he had not seen for a very long time. He ate slightly more than he usually would have but only to please Jlk. There was mainly laughter during the meal that was broken by several periods where people stopped to eat or drink. Vathen laughed for the first time in a long while.

Lately his life consisted of dark dealings and was now it was filled with light and laughter. After several hours of talking many brought out pipes and smoked on only the finest tobacco.

The grey smoke looked extremely strange in contrast to the constantly shimmering and swirling world. Everyone, except Vathen leaned back and smoked on their pipes. Vathen leaned on his elbows and looked around. He leaned closer to Jlk and whispered
“Is he alright?” Jlk sat up and said,

“By he, I suppose you are referring to the one you brought in?” Vathen nodded and waited for a reply. After blowing a grey smoke ring into the air Jlk replied “Yes, he is still asleep and his fever is dieing down.”

Vathen relaxed and struck up conversation with another grey thing that was close by. After a few more minutes of conversation and smoking Gyth stood and clapped his hands. Grey-things came out and cleared away the platters and the guest’s plates. Vathen thanked the creature that took his plate and it bowed.

Vathen looked towards Gyth and he exclaimed “Thank you, my great friends! And thank you for a good time! Please leave in peace and happiness!” He sat back down and Jlk stayed seated as did Vathen as all the other guests left.

“Now, my friend, around how long do you think you will be staying with us?”

“Trying to get rid off me Jlk?” Answered Vathen, smiling.

“Not at all! I merely wish to make necessary preparations.”

“I’m sorry to have offended you, friend.”

“The blame is to be placed on me. It was a rude question. But now, since we have cleared up that small situation, would you mind answering?”

“One week at the very longest.”

“And your friend?”

“The same. And he is not my friend. Merely the mission.”

“Ah.”

“Thank you for having me, my friend.”

“The pleasure is ours.” Replied Gyth. The three stood and Vathen retreated to his room while Jlk and Gyth returned to talking. When Vathen reached the small room he took off his shirt and stripped the covers on the bed.

When he crawled in he felt almost instantly warm. He gently closed his eyes and felt sleep coming unto him sweetly. He smiled.


Vathen awoke late, he could tell. He looked around the room and saw two more grey-thing standing there. One with a set of his clothes and the other with a silver washing bowl, one set the set of clothes on the foot of the bed and the other set the bowl on the dresser. The two then stepped out of the room and Vathen slipped out of the warm covers.

After putting on the clothes and washing his face in the bowl he stepped out into the hallway. Outside were a few creatures swirling around. Vathen did his best to avoid them but they couldn’t help but strike up conversation.

After shrugging off a persistent conversationalist, Vathen made his way downstairs. The long table that had been there before had been removed and Vathen saw Gyth and Jlk sitting in puffy chairs out looking the white-grey scenery. He walked over and stood beside them.

“Ah! You’re awake! Have you had anything to eat?” Asked Jlk immediately.

“Not yet, not ever my friend.” Answered Vathen. Jlk frowned.

“I assume you would like to see the one you brought with you?” Asked Gyth.

“Only if it’s not an inconvenience.”

“Never!” Replied Jlk.
The two pulled themselves out of their chairs and led Vathen into a nearby room. It was similar to the one Vathen had but was longer and had many white beds lining up the walls.

It was easy to spot which had Khor on it because his was the only one occupied. The three came up to it and a grey-thing handed Gyth a white clipboard with a few sheet of paper on it.

He quickly glanced over it and said “He should be awake. There seems to be nothing wrong with him.” Vathen nodded and sat on the bed next to Khor’s. Vathen could feel Khor’s magical energy being replenished quickly. He reached out and put a hand on his forehead. He could sense Khor was in there but simply not wanting to come out.

He stood up and turned to Gyth and Jlk. “He merely wants to sleep right now. He has had a hard day. Please come and get me when he awakes.” Gyth nodded and Vathen heard a loud sound behind him. He whipped around and saw Khor was standing up and had his arm around the neck of the attendant who was seeing to him. “He’s up.” Said Gyth.
I used to rule the world, see it rise when I gave the word, now in the morning I sleep alone, sweep the streets I used to own

-Coldplay, Viva La Viva




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Vathen unzipped the black cloak and pulled it off.

I'd say you should say, "unbuttoned" his cloak, cause having zippers in a fantasy story is kind of dumb and an unnessessary "technological" advancement.

It was easy to spot which had Khor on it because his was the only one occupied. The three came up to it and a grey-thing handed Gyth a white clipboard with a few sheet of paper on it.

might reword first sentace, it's a lit confusing, something like, "It was easy to spot on which bed Kor lay for he was the only occupent."

He whipped around and saw Khor was standing up; he [s]and[/s] had his arm around the neck of the attendant who was seeing to him. “He’s up.” Said Gyth.

add the red part and cut the and, it would flow better, make more sense, and would be more "grammatically correct" (i think).


Anywho, it was sweet. I like that place, this is getting interesting! Cool, the spooky dark guy drinks wierd tea (don't you love my random comments :P)! Good job!

-Me again
the greenjay strikes again...




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Ha, this was a cool one! I like the swirly grey-thing place. I was wondering...you have the dead-things and the grey-things...If that's their name, maybe you should capitalize it. Dead Things and Grey Things or something like that. I dunno.

He walked several hours, carrying Khor over his right shoulder and his equipment over the other. The figure looked around and saw grey, ghost-like figures swirling all around him. Most had faces and the ones that didn’t usually ignored him. The ones that did have faces floated around him and looked at him, their expression’s bored.

None attempted to help him or to offer any sort of assistance. The grey, swirling figures merely looked at the situation uninterested and soon floated away. The figure ignored them too, which is the main reason why they ignored him.


I didn't like this part. It was repetative and awkward. I think it could be boiled down to one paragraph, in fact. Let's see...
He walked for several hours, carrying Khor slung over his right shoulder and his equipment over the other. As he traveled, he began to notice grey, ghost-like figures emerging from the swirling, shimmering air around him. Some were faceless, and turned their insubstantial heads away from him, pretending he wasn't there. Some had faces, but their swirling grey features remained bored as they watched him.


And just take out the second paragraph all together, which is just unncessary. You could add a sentence in there about Vathen ignoring the grey things too, if you want, but you don't need any more than that.

Anyway, take it or leave it, as always! Yours truly I do most certainly remain, 8)
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein




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I really liked this chapter and the three characters you introduced are very interesting. I'm really fond of Vathen and I love the place this is set in. A few suggestions -

After sending the spell the man looked down at Khor. As he stood over him he thought [i]Idiot. [Just a typo with your italics here.]

Most took no notice of the figure [s]accept[/s] except for two of the creatures that came over.

I find him to be a fool and he rushes headstrong into situations [s]that[/s] where he knows he cannot possible succeed.”

Once the three had drank all the tea and [s]ate[/s] eaten all the crackers while talking, they stood.

And in simpler words, the mess [s]went[/s] flowed in [s]all[/s] one direction.

“They are waiting for you down stairs [Downstairs should probably be one word.].”

Lately his life consisted of dark dealings [s]and was[/s] but now it was was filled with light and laughter.

“Trying to get rid [s]off[/s] of me Jlk?” Answered Vathen, smiling.

Vathen awoke late, he could tell. He looked around the room and saw two more grey-things standing there.

One with a set of his clothes and the other with a silver washing bowl. The first [s]one set[/s] placed the set of clothes [s]on[/s] at the foot of the bed and the other set the bowl on the dresser.

long table that had been there before had been removed and Vathen saw Gyth and Jlk sitting in puffy chairs [s]out looking[/s] over looking the white-grey scenery.

It was similar to the one Vathen had but was longer and had many white beds lining [s]up[/s] the walls.

_____________________________
Some nice descriptions and a brilliant cliff hanger at the end. I love Gyth's line!
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.



You are strong enough to conquer this day and the rest of your life.
— Atticus