Roya wrote:The Aave shrugged, "That's not really my problem."
Full stop instead of comma.
Roya wrote:"What did you do?!"
Have one or the other, but not both.
Roya wrote:"I believe your father was recently killed," he mentioned as if he were stating it as if he were simply saying what time of day it was.
Nix this bit; were you going to delete this, but forgot?
Roya wrote:I couldn't believe that he had a conscious or was generous.
Conscious = conscience
Roya wrote:His eyes were the color of baby rose leaves, but they had no mercy.
Nice contrasting description there.
Roya wrote:"Zip it." Then he snapped again.
Comma after zip it, and nix the then.
Roya wrote:Rage exploded in my eyes and I would retort if I could.
You switch tenses here. Change it to, I would have retorted if I could.
Roya wrote:I would have asked gone on to ask who had stolen it, had my mouth not been super glued with magic like peanut butter in a bird's beak.
Comma between stolen it and had my mouth....
Apart from those above, it was very interesting.
