Unknown Stroy Chap. 6 part 1

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~Chapter Six~
Trapped


Knall glanced up to check and make sure the human had left and turned around to face the forest from his view in the force field. Good, now at last I can concentrate! Knall reached inside himself and seized the ancient spell book he had purchased while in the Black Mountians.

Knall quickly leafed through the pages until he found the section on the properties of time travel. He read quickly and sometimes had to reread a section to fully understand it. Knall didn’t know where the human was going and didn't much care. He had to be cautious, however, he could be back any minute.

Knall skipped the section detailing how to send another person through time but was searching for the section containing the information to achieve time travel yourself.

According to Sorcerers and Sorcery “In order to achieve proper time traveling you basically had to create a rip in the current time line where you sit and enter it. If done properly you will create a similar hole in the past or future and arrive in the proper place and time where you intended.”

Knall knew this was what he had to do. Previously, before the human and he ran from the dead creatures, he saw himself hiding in the Shadows. That was the only reason why he let the human take him. He knew he must’ve gotten to the griffon before the dead-things did.

Knall proceeded to use the Favthom, to let the flow of magic flow freely into his mind. He concentrated on the words and continuously focused on the destination of the spell. His eyes closed and his face became screwed up in concentration.

Knall was slightly jerked out of his concentration when he heard the human boy screaming at him and breaking the cage spell. Concentrate! Tree, eighty-six branches away, griffon, the moon was high in the dark sky! Concentrate! With a small pop! And a whiff of smoke Knall, disappeared.


~*~*~


Khor pushed his way past branches and tripped over large roots. He was constantly aware of his surroundings; he was attempting to create a mental map of the area. It was not going well.

Everywhere he turned it seemed as if it was the exact same tree or branch staring back at him. After several hours of looking for nothing in particular he decided to return to the cliff where the Shade was currently residing.

He grouped along, keeping his right hand rested on Melden and pushing branches away with the left. It was beginning to become brighter. Not just because it was early morning but because he came closer to the edge of the forest, the trees were spread apart and were less numerous.

His metal boots were soon clanking on hard rock. He looked up and saw the sun burning brightly in the sky and saw smoke as well, still rising in long swirling columns. As he neared the spot, he noticed something was, how could he describe it? Off.

He instantly turned his gaze towards the Shade. It was sitting there, legs crossed, and… using the Favthom! What! He’s trying to escape! Khor instantly ran over and broke the spell holding the Shade.

The second it broke Khor could instantly feel the emanating magic, pouring from the Shade. He stepped back and closed his eyes. This magical power was like nothing he had ever felt. It beamed out, brilliant and true.

“Stop!” Screamed Khor but as he closed his eyes it all disappeared. The feeling of power left him. Khor could feel his magical energy being slowly filled back up to its normal state.

He opened his eyes and saw the Shade was gone. He ran up to the spot where it was sitting only moments before. He kicked the ground and swore under his breath. How could I have let this happen? Now that I think about it, why did I even keep that thing alive?!

Khor heard a flash behind him and whipped around. A doorway of light opened and a tall figure in a black cloak stepped out. His hood was once again pulled over his face.

“What the hell is going on?!” Khor asked furiously. The figure put his hand up to his chin and hummed. Khor’s face showed a mixture of confusion and rage. “Wh-What are you doing?!”

“Isn’t it amazing how fast you get angry about nothing at all? Maybe they made a mistake… Well I suppose there is one way to find out if you are the one we’re looking for…” He hummed.

“What do you mean, nothing?! First I walk into a ghost town then these, dead-things are coming at me out of nowhere trying to kill me!”

“Who ever said they were going to kill you?” He replied, now looking interested.

“You’re saying they weren’t going to kill me?!”

“Oh, I never said that! I’m just trying to point out you get scared surprisingly easily. If you are the one who’s supposed to save us then why are you such a coward?”

“Coward?! You try staring down thousands of Shades, seeing them kill your friends, and destroying your home!”
The man in the black cloak started laughing.

“You have no friends! You and I both know that isn’t your home! You’ve been looking for a place to call home ever since you were able to talk.”
He laughed again. Khor was completely enraged. How could this, guy ever know anything about him? How did he know how he felt?

“Have you ever had the Shades destroy everything you ever wanted to call close but, while running from them, you find out they’re right in front of you then they disappear!? Then you discover that what you’re really running from is right beside you!”

“Shut up.” He replied, now very serious. “You talk about things being so bad, when you can tell me people you’ve spent you’re entire life with and have trusted, suddenly betray you and kill everything you’ve ever lived for. Once you can say you’ve seen your friends swallowed by darkness, torn apart by envy, and even be turned so mad you can’t tell if there trying to help you or kill you. Once you can say you’ve seen your only loved one be eaten by the darkness, ravened by its cruelty, slowly and knowing you can’t do anything about it, then. Then I’ll believe you have it as bad as I do.”

Khor stood there dumbstruck. One, by the fact that this, somebody spoke to him like he wasn’t trying to mess with his head and that he spoke of all these things with pain and suffering. He gazed across at him and muttered,

“That doesn’t give you the right to make it worse for the rest of us…” With this, Khor drew Melden and started off at a slow pace towards the figure.

The figure sighed and put a hand up to rub his forehead. “Haven’t we been over this before?”

He said annoyed. Khor quickened his pace and was soon running extremely fast. As he increased speed the figure made no attempt to get out of the way or shield himself.

Khor ran as hard as he could towards the figure and stopped a few inches in front of him. It was like he disappeared. Khor was moving so fast almost everything became a blur and he could no longer feel his body. He felt weak. Like doing so put a humongous weight on his chest. It nearly slowed him down but he had to keep his pace if he was going to land a hit on him at all.

The figure stood there lazily. He rubbed his chin and yawned. Focus! Don’t let him faze you! Khor circled him seven times and came from behind. Melden was a few inches away from his back when, he stretched out his hand and a silver sword unfolded in the air. It floated in the air in front of his hand.

He brought it down and parried Khor’s blow easily. “Is this all you can manage?” He asked while unfolding another silver sword in the air. He twiddled his fingers and the swords spun, mockingly.
What the heck is he doing? Is he just messing with me or does this have a purpose? Khor could feel the weight on his chest tighten and he fell to his knees, clutching his heart. “How boring. I doubt you could even manage a wind summoning spell right now.”
He widened his gloved hand and the silver swords where drawn in and disappeared. He leisurely strolled over and bent down to look Khor in the face. Khor looked up but only saw darkness. At first the darkness framed his vision then it closed in then he saw nothing at all. His head was swimming.
Then he heard a voice. “How boring…” But it was far off and seemed only like a faint echo. Feeling the darkness close around him he fell flat on his face in onto the rock sheet. My mind… it burns. I can’t feel anything. No the guy, kill…me…kill…kill…kill…darkness…
I used to rule the world, see it rise when I gave the word, now in the morning I sleep alone, sweep the streets I used to own

-Coldplay, Viva La Viva




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Nice action here. :) And good, Khor's coming to grips with stuff now.


Pol wrote:Knall glanced up to check and make sure the human had left, and turned around to face the forest from his view in the force field.


Comma here.


Pol wrote:Knall reached inside himself and seized the ancient spell book he had purchased while in the Black Mountians.


Mountians = mountains. And how does he reach inside himself? Is the book in his skin or his guts or what? :roll:


Pol wrote:According to Sorcerers and Sorcery, “In order to achieve proper time traveling you basically had to create a rip in the current time line where you sit and enter it. If done properly you will create a similar hole in the past or future and arrive in the proper place and time where you intended.”


Comma after "sorcery". Love the time travel bit; nice and confusing - Russell T Davies, eat your heart out!


Pol wrote:He knew he must’ve gotten to the griffon before the dead-things did.


Griffon = griffin, I think?


Pol wrote:With a small pop! And a whiff of smoke Knall, disappeared.


Rewrite this so looks something like, "With a small pop and a whiff of smoke, Knall disappeared."


Pol wrote:After several hours of looking for nothing in particular he decided to return to the cliff where the Shade was currently residing.


*cringes* Change that immediately. Sorry, but you must.


Pol wrote:Not just because it was early morning but because he came closer to the edge of the forest, the trees were spread apart and were less numerous.


Missing a word? "When he came"?


Pol wrote:As he neared the spot, he noticed something was, how could he describe it? Off.


I know what you're saying - that Khor feels something is wrong, but the way it's written in awkward.


Pol wrote:“Stop!” Screamed Khor...


Small letter on screamed.


Pol wrote:Now that I think about it, why did I even keep that thing alive?!


Your choice, but I wouldn't have both an exclamation mark and a question mark together. Some authors do, but I think it looks too over the top.


Pol wrote:“Who ever said they were going to kill you?” He replied, now looking interested.


Small letter on he.


Pol wrote:How could this, guy ever know anything about him?


Nix the comma.


Pol wrote:“Shut up.He replied, now very serious.


Comma and small letter. And in all the dialogue that follows this, it's not always clear whether it's Khor or the other bloke talking.


Pol wrote:He said annoyed.


Take this bit out completely.


Pol wrote:Khor quickened his pace and was soon running extremely fast.


Another choppy sentance.


Pol wrote:As he increased speed, the figure made no attempt to get out of the way or shield himself.


Comma after speed.


Pol wrote:“Is this all you can manage?” He asked while unfolding another silver sword in the air.


Small letter on the he.


Pol wrote:My mind… it burns. I can’t feel anything. No the guy, kill…me…kill…kill…kill…darkness…


Would you think this so clearly? Make the whole thought more confused and thoughtlike.


Otherwise, good. Just work on making your sentances flow, and look out for grammer errors. :)
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir




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See above for helpfulness! The Twitty Shadow got it, pretty much.

Exciting, noting above errors nonetheless. I'll have some name possibilities (if you still want them) sometime today, in a pm.

Good luck and pray continue...

Yours as always, 8)
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein




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According to Sorcerers and Sorcery “In order to achieve proper time traveling you basically [s]had[/s] have to create a rip in the current time line where you sit and enter it. If done properly you will create a similar hole in the past or future and arrive in the proper place and time where you intended.”


Then he heard a voice. “How boring…” But it was far off and seemed only like a faint echo. Feeling the darkness close around him he fell flat on his face [s]in[/s] onto the rock sheet. My mind… it burns. I can’t feel anything. No the guy, kill…me…kill…kill…kill…darkness…


Sweet! This is an interesting part. Looking forward to next section :D.

-GJ
the greenjay strikes again...




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As far as plot and such goes, this was great but your writing seemed a little choppy. A few suggestions -

Knall glanced up to check that [s]and make sure[/s] the human had left and turned around to face the forest which looked blurred from his view [s]in[/s] through the force field.

Knall skipped the section detailing how to send another person through time but was searching for the section containing the information to achieve time travel for yourself.

According to Sorcerers and Sorcery “In order to achieve proper time travel[s]ing[/s] you [s]basically had to[/s] must create a rip in the current time line where you sit and enter it. If done properly you will create a similar hole in the past or future and arrive in the proper place and time where you intend[s]ed[/s] to go.”

Knall was [s]slightly[/s] jerked out of his concentration when he heard the human boy screaming at him and breaking the cage spell.

“You talk about things being so bad, when you can tell me people you’ve spent [s]you’re[/s] your entire life with and have trusted, suddenly betray you and kill everything you’ve ever lived for. Once you can say you’ve seen your friends swallowed by darkness, torn apart by envy, and even be turned so mad you can’t tell if [s]there[/s] they're trying to help you or kill you. Once you can say you’ve seen your only loved one be eaten by the darkness, [s]ravened[/s] ravaged by its cruelty, slowly and knowing you can’t do anything about it, then. Then I’ll believe you have it as bad as I do.”

He said annoyed. [Either remove this or change it to 'He sounded annoyed.']
Writing Gooder

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