The Dragon Knight Legacy Chapter 7 (LAST POST)

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As you can see, I've made up words for magical incantations. I've thought up a wide vocabulary of these words, but just to make things simpler I'll define the ones I've used in this post.


Tere: Touch/Hand
Raiassou: Turn to Thunder (Electrify)
Raiakk: Thunder
Ussoukkai: Release of energy/Explode
Zuu: Magic
Mazododo: Movement/Teleport

Hey Dynamo! I'll start with a few specific points, and then I'll give you my general comments on plot and whatnot.

Kai had made it to the bottom of the shrine when he saw Draco standing silently, staring off into the distance. He asked, “So, what now?”

The problem with this is that you use the word had. It makes the sentence passive and breaks the flow. If you take it out, you'll notice that the sentence has exactly the same meaning but sounds slightly better.

"Kai made it to the bottom of the shrine when he saw Draco standing silently, staring off into the distance. He asked, "So, what now?""

Better, no?

He has a stiff, emotionless expression to him. He has long, white hair that dangles down to his legs. He is wearing white Japanese style clothing and a large metal shoulder plate as armor. Blue and silver designs resembling fire and fur trail down the right side of his attire, starting at his shoulder and ending at the length of his pant leg.

When describing this man, you switch tenses. Specifically, you go from past tense to present tense. You need to change all these has to had, and all the is to are. Make sure you go through and fix anymore spots where this occurs.

I was as if he were staring into a pair of pearls, things that are pleasant to look at, yet they bare nothing but the stillness of cold rocks.

It think you meant It was as if he...

His voice was calm and mature, but at the same time serious, very serious.

You're being a bit redundant. I think calm and mature isn't much different than being serious. If he's calm and mature, it goes without saying that he's serious. What else would he be?

His eyes suddenly bore a sort of hungry look as he spoke the last sentence. They looked like the eyes of a power hungry maniac that always kept his cool.

Using hungry twice and so close to each other breaks the flow. Mix up the wordplay, and try to replace one of those words with a synonym or something.

His emotionless expression did not shift at the least, but Kai could see the smallest hint of surprise in his eyes.

in

Kai stepped back in shock. He was disturbed that this man knew his father’s name.

Show, don't tell. The italicised is showing, but the bolded is telling. Take out the bolded. Even without them, we can still understand that he's shocked and why. Trust me.

When your father fought the dragon, he asked me to take your mother somewhere safe.”

Question: If they are indeed his mother and father as well, then why doesn't he refer to them as simply "Mother and Father" as opposed to "your mother and your father". Make sense?

“Tere Raiassou”

A small nitpick, but if this is an incantation, you should but it in italics and not bold.

He uttered something else that sounded like “Raiakk Ussoukkai,”

Sounded like? I'm pretty sure that's exactly what he said.

As soon as his hand struck it let out a large spark of blue energy. The energy was like something one would see during a thunderstorm, except it was smaller and much more focused, making it possible to harness for an attack. The strike erupted into a small explosion that sent Draco sprawling across the floor.

Sorry if this sounds like asking for a lot, but I seriously think this scene would benefit if you condense all this information into one sentence. This is an action scene, right? And during action, everything has to be fast and exciting. How do you make it more exciting. Shorter sentences, and less explanation. So if you condense this into one, maybe two sentences, the scene would seem so much more faster and exciting as a result.

Kujimaru stared at Kai, annoyance showed clearly in his eyes.

Another example of show, don't tell. Let us see why he's annoyed. Don't simply tell us.

Is this really the end?

Another tense switch. It should be "Was this really the end?"

A loud clang echoed through every inch of the chamber, followed soon after by the sound of a continuous implosion. Over the sound of the continuous eruption Kai could hear Kujimaru grunt and gasp, “Impossible!”

Again, the repetition breaks the flow. This is especially bad here, since you're in the middle of a climax. Fix it! You don't want your reader to be distracted when Kai is on the brink of death, do you?

He shouted “Raiakk Zuu Ussoukkai!” and his hand burst into and even greater vortex of energy.

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The dragon looked at him with wide eyes.

You're being passive again. You need to be active, so that the scene feels full of action. Simply change this to, "The dragon's eyes were wide." That sounds a lot better, doesn't it?

Kai anxiously replied, “I don’t know how!”

This piece of dialogue would benefit from losing the tag. There are only two people talking, so we won't get confused. I tell you this because of what I was saying about shorter sentences making the scene more exciting.

He felt his chest when the light faded and saw that his chest wasn’t hurting anymore.

Instead of using chest twice you can replace one of them with "it".

"He felt his chest when the light faded and saw that it wasn't hurting anymore."

“Then we shall begin immediately.”

Beautiful, beautiful line. Why do I bring it up? Because of this:

And so, Kai trained for the trials he will confront in the future. He traveled across the land in secrecy, learning all he could from his new teacher, Draco. He changed his name to Zephyrus and left his former life behind. He traveled from place-to-place, learning many styles of swordplay from various masters of the art. Draco taught him how to use Chaotic Magic, as well as a wide vocabulary of the Dragonese language. His angered brother, Kujimaru, often pursued him and many times he had to confront him in battle. During his travels Zephyrus’ arrogant behaviour, brought on by the prejudice he was subjected to as a child, gained him many enemies both demon and mortal. But knowledge of being resented by so many opponents only strengthened his moral towards finishing his training. As the years went by, thoughts of hatred and revenge began to cloud his mind. The thoughts of revenge grew stronger, and the voice in his head grew louder. He treasures the day his training would be finished, because he knows that the day his training ends is the day his revenge will begin…

...An infodump. Despite everything, you don't need this at the end. In fact, I strongly, I repeat strongly urge you to cut this out completely and end with the line I quotes above. Don't answer all the questions. You've resolved everything already, so you don't need to go further. That last quote above is a perfect ending. Trust me.

***

All in all, a fantastic ending. It had the right amount of action, suspense, all the awesome stuff that makes a good climax. Very well done. I do hope you can get this published one day, as it looks like you've worked very hard on it. I can only hope my comments get you closer to publication.


MM