Unknown Story Chap. 5 part 5

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Knall jerked up violently and looked around quickly. Soon he stood up and leaned over to concentrate on the sound. Glancing over at the sleeping griffon and then returned to his searching.

Knall stretched out his senses. They rolled across the expanse of the forest and he could feel the faint warmth of life everywhere. But there was something closer… It was moving closer. Knall stretched out once more and tapped the life of the creature. It was simply terrified. Knall had never sensed anything like it.

He reached out and pulled back a vine curtain. He lay on his belly and gazed out at the area below. “.” He whispered. Suddenly the trees he was looking at were rushing towards him. The spell surprised him at first and then he got used to his magnified vision and started to scan for the life form.

He soon saw a small blue light dancing through the forest. Knall glowered and relieved the spell. He glanced over once more to where the little griffon was sleeping and jumped off the tree.

The fall felt magnificent. He felt as if he was flying. He closed his eyes and let the wind rush past him. He felt peaceful. Then the presence of the life form returned to him and he violently snapped out of his free fall.

He straightened his body and landed hard but silently on the soft ground. He looked around and sensed the life form was getting even closer. Then he saw it. The blue light, running directly towards him.


*~*~*


Khor whipped his head around and saw the dead-things were falling behind. Most of them lost his trail and where searching carefully for him. He returned his attention to making sure he didn’t get hit by a branch. Khor ran into the first clearing he’d seen since he got in the forest.

It was very dark in the clearing so he stopped and whispered “Flame of Guiding Light, burn true and bright, show me the way so I won’t be led into dismay.” Instantly it grew brighter and he could see the largest tree he has ever seen. It stretched on and out of the enlarged circle of light.

He gazed up at it and quickly saw a dark figure standing at the base. Khor’s eyes widened. “No.” He whispered. A large, yellow eyed, eight foot tall Shade was standing there. “No!” He screamed. He thrust out his hand with the Flame of Guiding Light in it and shouted “!” The ball of fire let out a long stream of pure, blue light and charged straight at the Shade.


~*~*~


To Knall’s humongous surprise a small boy, he could only be sixteen, rushed out of the trees. He looked around and made the flame of light in his left hand brighter. He looked at the tree behind Knall and very soon noticed him.

Knall saw his eyes widen vastly. The boy muttered something and shouted a spell. Knall was slightly relieved. If he was a wizard, how bad could he be? Then Knall easily noticed a pillar of pure blue fire come charging towards him. Now his eyes widened. Knall’s instincts took over and shouted “!” A small circle of yellow energy enveloped him and it absorbed the fire.

He looked once again at the boy. He shook his head and muttered something indescribable. He took a katana from its sheath and gestured to Knall.

I can’t believe this! What did I ever do to him?! The boy shouted something else and ran towards him faster than he’d ever seen a human go. He didn’t want to injure the boy but he didn’t want to get injured either. He bent into a defensive stance.


*~*~*


Khor was completely shocked. A Shade, using magic? What? No! “I don’t know how you use magic Shade, but I’m gonna cut you down like all the rest.” Khor pointed Melden to the Shade. He looked the evil creature in the eyes and charged. As he ran he screamed “For Jhere!!!” Khor jumped and heaved downward. The Shade stepped out of the way and Khor swung his way and continued to try to land a hit.

The Shade was smarter than the rest. Khor kept swinging and eventually realized this maneuver wasn’t going to work. He stopped and then circled the Shade like he had done with Instructor Gybridef. Then he remembered… Instructor Gybridef was dead. He continued circling the Shade who had now stopped moving, and leaped into the air.
From his aerial view he realized he had created a dust storm that swept across the entire forest. Though he was very high Khor looked up and still couldn’t see the tops of the trees. He returned his attention back to the Shade, who was now looking at him. Khor repositioned himself into a dive position.

As he fell the ground seemed to be coming faster than it normally would be. He, once again, returned his focus to the Shade. Khor anticipated the Shades likeliness to jump away and muttered a spell on his way down. “.” The roots around the Shades feet rose out of the ground and tied themselves to his ankles. The Shade looked down with a look of shock on in his eyes.

That was all he needed. Khor raised Melden, and let it fall. Khor closed his eyes. He slowly fell to the ground and wrenched his sword from the Shade. But it wouldn’t budge. He opened his eyes.

The Shade was gazing at him, his hand, gripping the sword. Thick, jet black blood ran feely from the Shade’s cut hand. “!” The Shade screamed. A tiny wave of electricity ran through the sword and into Khor’s hand. “AHHHHGGGGG!!”

Khor’s entire body felt like it was on fire. He wrenched Melden from the grip of the Shade and took a step back. He gazed, furious at the Shade who looked so smug. Khor looked down at his shadow which had now blended in with the natural darkness of the forest.

“You might not like this one shade.” Khor summoned his shadow guardian with his mind and he obediently rose out from the shadows. Khor turned around and the shadow guardian nodded.

Khor charged at the Shade with his shadow guardian following close behind. Khor jabbed slashed and stabbed. The shadow guardian followed in different pattern and both were slowly confusing the Shade and he was slowing down, attempting to fight off both of them at the same time.

“!” Khor shouted. A yellow force field enveloped the Shade and he pushed on all sides, trying to look for a way out. Khor smiled. His shadow guardian slipped back down and Khor walked up to the faint yellow cage. He tapped Melden to the surface.

“Now you’re caged like the animal you really are.” The Shade snarled and clawed at the barrier. It only rippled. “!” Khor exclaimed. A blue force field enveloped the yellow one, now making an even more powerful, green one.

There was a rustling behind Khor and he looked up. Dang it! How could I have forgotten about the dead-things?! Khor looked back once more towards the Shade. He looked back. Somehow they looked at each other as equals. The Shade’s eyes told him he couldn’t die here.

“Break!” Commanded Khor, and the green force field shattered. Khor placed Melden up to the neck of the Shade before he could even stand up. “I don’t know if you can understand me Shade but if you try anything I’ll slit your throat.” He could tell it understood the threatening part.

Khor dragged the Shade through the forest as fast as he could. It slowed him down but he felt like it was something he needed to do. As he ran he felt the emptiness of magic and the fatigue of battle. If the Shade did resist he probable couldn’t fight back.

Khor sensed the dead-things searching the area where they had recently fought. The Shade obviously saw them and gave a fierce roar. Khor was shocked and enraged at the same time. He pulled Melden closer to the Shades neck and whispered “Quiet!”

They both stopped and listened. The rustling stopped. Khor let go of the Shade screaming “Run!!” Khor turned and ran as hard as he could; the Shade went the other way. Come ON! Khor wheeled around and ran after the Shade.

He didn’t know what drove him to save the Shade; it was a small feeling inside of him. He put Melden back under the Shades neck, after jumping to get that high. The Shade bent down so Khor wouldn’t cut his neck open. “What the heck do you think you’re dong?!” He whispered.

The Shade looked him in the eyes, and Khor muttered the words “.” A thin, white stream of light unraveled out of thin air and wrapped itself around the Shade. The Shade was about to roar again but Khor rushed foreword and hushed him.

“Do you have a death wish or something?” The Shade gazed back at the spot and then he looked into Khor’s eyes and nodded. Khor knew he wasn’t answering the question but he knew it meant he would cooperate, for the moment. Khor rushed behind the Shade and they started running.
Last edited by Poltergiest on Mon Jul 16, 2007 3:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I used to rule the world, see it rise when I gave the word, now in the morning I sleep alone, sweep the streets I used to own

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Good! Exciting. I spotted quite a few errors near the beginning, but I don't have time now (I am being called for dinner) so I'll come back this evening. Besides the problems, though, really good! Kind of frustrating, though, because I like Knall more than I like Khor.

Yours for now, 8)
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
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Okay, here we go *cracks knuckles and laughs menacingly.*

Prepare to meet your maker, oh unknown story!

The first paragraph...bleh. The whole thing was awkward.

Knall jerked up violently. He looked around fiercely. Soon he stood up and leaned over to concentrate on the sound. He glanced over at the sleeping griffon and then returned to his searching.


'Violently' and 'fiercely' are too close together. Adjectives...blah. Try to combine the two sentences and use 'fierce gaze' or something instead of 'looking fiercely'

"Soon he stood up"...um...dare I say again...bleh? Just take out the 'soon' and you'll be fine. I don't know why it's bad, it just is. *glares frighteningly.*

In fact, I have a revised sentence for you:

"He stood up and leaned over to concentrate on the sound, glancing over at the sleeping griffin to assure himself of it's safety."

Combine the two sentences. Or something like that.

Moving on! *picks up walking stick purposefully*
Knall stretched out his senses. They rolled across the expanse of the forest and he could feel the faint warmth of life everywhere. But there was something closer… It was moving closer. Knall stretched out once more and tapped the life of the creature. It was simply terrified. Knall had never sensed anything like it.


Replace the first 'closer' with 'nearer' or word of choice. Replace the second 'stretched' with 'reached' or something like that. Oh, and for some reason, referring to senses as 'they' seemed weird. But I can't tell you why, so ignore for now.

Suddenly the trees he was looking at were rushing towards him. The spell surprised him at first and then he got used to his magnified vision and started to scan for the life form


'Suddenly' is just not a good word to use in general fiction. Try 'abruptly' or somesuch other word of the same nature. Also, instead of 'got used' I would say 'grew accustomed' or 'adjusted.' And perhaps, because he knew the spell was coming but just wasn't ready for it, 'startled' instead of 'surprised' on the second sentence.

The fall felt magnificent. He felt as if he was flying. He closed his eyes and let the wind rush past him. He felt peaceful.


Overkill on sentences starting with 'he'. Also, short sentence bursts, like rapid gunfire. Also, how can one, when one is free-falling, do anything to stop the wind from rushing past them? I would choose different phrasing for 'let the wind' like 'felt the wind.' Try combing two of the sentences to make them less short and abrupt.

Let's see...hmm...*skims page*

It was very dark in the clearing so he stopped and whispered “Flame of Guiding Light, burn true and bright, show me the way so I won’t be led into dismay.” Instantly it grew brighter and he could see the largest tree he has ever seen. It stretched on and out of the enlarged circle of light.


Do not like the spell poetry at all. Sorry, but it's more than usually cheesy, even for a spell poem. Why does it have to rhyme? I'd suggest, if you must rhyme it, just keep the first part and ditch the one about 'way' and 'dismay.' The first part's okay.

To Knall’s humongous surprise a small boy, he could only be sixteen, rushed out of the trees. He looked around and made the flame of light in his left hand brighter. He looked at the tree behind Knall and very soon noticed him.

Knall saw his eyes widen vastly. The boy muttered something and shouted a spell. Knall was slightly relieved. If he was a wizard, how bad could he be? Then Knall easily noticed a pillar of pure blue fire come charging towards him. Now his eyes widened. Knall’s instincts took over and shouted “!” A small circle of yellow energy enveloped him and it absorbed the fire.


Words in bold I don't like. Humongous? Undignified. Considered by most to be a little kid word, even though it isnt' technically. Still. Vastly is not the right word here. I would say something like 'eyes widen to the size of small saucers' or 'dinner plates.' or some such. 'Easily noticed' I knew what you were trying to get across, but...try some different, more exact wording.

Whoa, this crit is getting epic. Sorry! I'll try to cut it short here...

Action from here on is pretty good. One thing. You don't need to write down wordless screams like 'AAAAGGGHHH' or 'AAAAAHHHH'! It just doesn't need to be done. a simple, 'Khor screamed' will suffice.
He looked once again at the boy. He shook his head and muttered something indescribable. He took a katana from its sheath and gestured to Knall.


"Indescribable" isn't the correct word here. "Indescernible" would be better, even though I didn't spell it right..*sorry!*

Well, that's about it! Good job, besides the things I"ve pointed out. Again, good descriptions, good action, etc. Congrats on a well-done piece (and I don't mean that in a culinary way.)

Yours truly, whether you like it or not... 8)
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein




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Knall jerked up violently and looked around quickly. [s]Soon[/s] he stood up and leaned over to concentrate on the sound. Glancing over at the sleeping griffon [s]and[/s] he then returned to his searching.


“What the heck do you think you’re dong?!” He whispered.

doing

Cool, I like it! Good job.

-Me
the greenjay strikes again...




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A few suggestions -

[s]Glancing[/s] He glanced over at the sleeping griffon and then returned to his searching.

Most of them had lost his trail and [s]where[/s] were searching carefully for him.

Khor ran into the first clearing he’d seen since he [s]got[/s] arrived in the forest.

Instantly it grew brighter and he could see the largest tree he [s]has[/s] had ever seen.

As he fell, the ground seemed to be [s]coming[/s] rising faster than it normally would [s]be[/s].

Khor anticipated the Shade's likeliness to jump away and muttered a spell on his way down.

The roots around the Shade's feet rose out of the ground and tied themselves to his ankles. The Shade looked down with a look of shock [s]on[/s] in his eyes.

The shadow guardian followed in a different pattern and both were slowly confusing the Shade and he was slowing down, attempting to fight off both of them at the same time.

If the Shade did resist he [s]probable[/s] probably couldn’t fight back.

The Shade was about to roar again but Khor rushed [s]foreword[/s] forward and hushed him.

___________________
I love the action in this scene and that's a great way to have the characters meet!
Writing Gooder

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The light shines brightest in the darkest places.



“Can a magician kill a man by magic?” Lord Wellington asked Strange. Strange frowned. He seemed to dislike the question. “I suppose a magician might,” he admitted, “but a gentleman never could.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell