Watching eyes part one

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She stood there, staring at them. They were on there knees, bowing to her, as they should be. Then the rain came down.

A silk umbrella was put above her head, and her men carry her back to her palace steps on one of her many golden thrones. She walked up the marble stairs one at a time hoping not to slip and fall. As power full as she acted, she truly was insecure, her need to seem perfect to keep control was becoming far to excessive. Once at the top, her door men opened he ten foot tall bronze doors and let her in to go dry off.

She looked out her bay window, staring at the pitiful lives bowing down to her. She was dry, warm and about to eat a delicious dinner, while the peasants stayed out side, bowing in the rain and mud

"Pitiful little things they are, they live in grub, mud, and pig pens for homes." She thought to her self, for she had no need to say it out loud, every one knew that's how she felt.

"Lady Yoma, Lady Yoma," cried a messenger as he came running through the hallways "the King has sent the Lora Troop to you, they are on there way, it was supposed to be unknown, but I saw them and master told me to hurry and tell you, they're almost here!" He shouted frantically.

The Lora Troop, was the Kings best army, they were fighters, strategists, assassins, and mostly spies. They went were ever the King felt was not being ruled well enough. They were considered a bad omen to most rulers.

"GET OUT OF HERE! Get out of here you filthy little swine! You bring mud germs, and disgust into my palace, I should have you hanged! Arguse get him out of here, I don't care how, just get this pig out of here, NOW!!!" She screamed at the top of her lungs.

She stomped up to her room, her maids scurrying after her like a group of pidgins. Arguse took the boy to the front door and gave him a bit of money as a token of apology. He gave the boy a letter to send and almost instantaneously the boy looked at Arguse, knowing who it was for. He knew he should resist the temptation to start asking how Arguse knew the person who the envelope was addressed to, but the second he opened his mouth Arguse shushed him.

"Little words can be heard by ears of rats and mice," he said looking over his shoulder.

"She will get what is coming to her, a certain person will take care of that," the messenger thought menacingly to himself" she will get what’s coming to her!"

And then the soldiers were there. There came a loud raping against the door, in shuddered under the weight of whom ever’s fist was consistently pounding on it. Arguse rushed to the door and quickly opened it and bowed while the captain and his men passed. Captain Dames was tall with broad shoulders. But that was not the only impressive feature about him; his arms neck and legs were all equally brawny. His dark brown eyes conveyed a sense of power, intellect, and a desire for adventure.

He was accompanied by only twelve other men, their muddy feet were ruining her new Persian rug, but she said nothing. Lady Yoma could do nothing but quiver in their shadows, and hope to god that she could please the men and keep her rein. Well at least keep it till she had enough money to leave and live a rich luxurious life far from mud, peasants, all things disgusting.

“Are you Lady Yoma, ruler of these people and lands?” Said his right hand man; Lieutenant Cypro. Cypro was famous for his loyalty to Dames; he would betray the king just to do what Dames asked. He was also quit charming. He had curly dark blond hair, a stubborn jaw and a very muscular torso. It was always a wonder as to why he was not married.

“Yes, I am, and are you Lieutenant Cypro, and I presume this Captain Dames?” She answered haughtily.

Captain Dames stepped forward “Yes, I was sent here by request of King Faro, he has heard that you have had some trouble keeping your land in order, he wishes for me to…give a helping hand.”
I open my lunch box Hopin' to find a sandwich, an apple some cookies or cake but there, coiled and hissin' and set to unwind Is anouther big venemous poisonous snake leaving me hungry as can be you think my mother's mad at me?




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This is definitely a very interesting idea, and you've already thrown in some nice foreshadowing which promises more interesting developments to come. However, there were quite a few grammatical and spelling errors that I found that should be easy enough to find whenever you read through this.

This was excessively rushed, like sentence after sentence after sentence. I think you should perhaps pace it better, develop the ideas a little more, give more detail so the reader will have time to become fond of the world, instead of being shoved into this world with all this stuff thrown at them, ya know??

Anyways, definitely pretty good, and a nice start!! I think you could do a lot with this with some editing and rewriting!




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lulu_lizzrd wrote:She stood there, staring at them. They were on there knees, bowing to her, as they should be. Then the rain came down.

A silk umbrella was put above her head, and her men carry her back to her palace steps on one of her many golden thrones. She walked up the marble stairs one at a time hoping not to slip and fall. As power full as she acted, she truly was insecure, her need to seem perfect to keep control was becoming far to excessive. Once at the top, her door men opened he ten foot tall bronze doors and let her in to go dry off.

She looked out her bay window, staring at the pitiful lives bowing down to her. She was dry, warm and about to eat a delicious dinner, while the peasants stayed out side, bowing in the rain and mud

"Pitiful little things they are, they live in grub, mud, and pig pens for homes." She thought to her self, for she had no need to say it out loud, every one knew that's how she felt.

"Lady Yoma, Lady Yoma," cried a messenger as he came running through the hallways "the King has sent the Lora Troop to you, they are on there way, it was supposed to be unknown, but I saw them and master told me to hurry and tell you, they're almost here!" He shouted frantically.

The Lora Troop, was the Kings best army, they were fighters, strategists, assassins, and mostly spies. They went were ever the King felt was not being ruled well enough. They were considered a bad omen to most rulers.

"GET OUT OF HERE! Get out of here you filthy little swine! You bring mud germs, and disgust into my palace, I should have you hanged! Arguse get him out of here, I don't care how, just get this pig out of here, NOW!!!" She screamed at the top of her lungs.

She stomped up to her room, her maids scurrying after her like a group of pidgins. Arguse took the boy to the front door and gave him a bit of money as a token of apology. He gave the boy a letter to send and almost instantaneously the boy looked at Arguse, knowing who it was for. He knew he should resist the temptation to start asking how Arguse knew the person who the envelope was addressed to, but the second he opened his mouth Arguse shushed him.

"Little words can be heard by ears of rats and mice," he said looking over his shoulder.

"She will get what is coming to her, a certain person will take care of that," the messenger thought menacingly to himself" she will get what’s coming to her!"

And then the soldiers were there. There came a loud raping against the door, in shuddered under the weight of whom ever’s fist was consistently pounding on it. Arguse rushed to the door and quickly opened it and bowed while the captain and his men passed. Captain Dames was tall with broad shoulders. But that was not the only impressive feature about him; his arms neck and legs were all equally brawny. His dark brown eyes conveyed a sense of power, intellect, and a desire for adventure.

He was accompanied by only twelve other men, their muddy feet were ruining her new Persian rug, but she said nothing. Lady Yoma could do nothing but quiver in their shadows, and hope to god that she could please the men and keep her rein. Well at least keep it till she had enough money to leave and live a rich luxurious life far from mud, peasants, all things disgusting.

“Are you Lady Yoma, ruler of these people and lands?” Said his right hand man; Lieutenant Cypro. Cypro was famous for his loyalty to Dames; he would betray the king just to do what Dames asked. He was also quit charming. He had curly dark blond hair, a stubborn jaw and a very muscular torso. It was always a wonder as to why he was not married.

“Yes, I am, and are you Lieutenant Cypro, and I presume this Captain Dames?” She answered haughtily.

Captain Dames stepped forward “Yes, I was sent here by request of King Faro, he has heard that you have had some trouble keeping your land in order, he wishes for me to…give a helping hand.”
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