Lineage of the Orderen Chapter 1

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Hey, Last Mohican!

I really enjoyed reading this story- usually, I'm not that into fantasy, but this was engaging and kept me reading to the end. I quite liked Ojara, too, and her deaf betrothed...they were good characters alone and as a pair.

A few things, though:

THE PLAGUE OF FANTASY WRITERS: is to desperately want to fill us in on every minute of history that's ever happened in their world. They want to showcase what they've come up with. This is good, because usually the world is fascinating- but it's also something that can slow down a piece dreadfully.

Why?

- Often, the names aren't in English. When the names aren't in English, it's hard for a reader to remember, and so you've got a 1 in 57 chance that your readers are going to remember more than three names in at a time. And, when you've got a complete family history- forget it.

- It's hard for any writer to give straight facts without dumping it all at once. This is why it's a good thing to avoid- no matter how awesome you are at putting a story together, it's unavoidable when you want to tell us everything.

- People tend to treat the histories of their worlds like a research report, and don't give it any love and attention on the style front. What am I talking about? Well, I'm not really sure, but the gist is this- usually, the writing is pretty dry when it comes to a world's history. That's just how things go.

Luckily, there's an easy fix: start right from the scene where Memarou comes in.

Your reaction: "Eeek, that's half my prologue!"

Yup, it is. But don't worry- not all is lost! You can add in the pieces that you left off as you go along in the story, or condense it down. You could tell us about Ariel's death and their special bond in a sentence or two, and with a little help, they could be totally awesome sentences, too.

But want to be further convinced?

- Starting it here would be a lot more exciting. Readers are adrenaline junkies. We're most likely sittiing here, bored, on our couch- we want something that's going to be really interesting and intense. Why would we go for anything else?

- You show Memarou, who's Ojara's true love, right? You want to establish a character as quickly as possible- and through a love interest is the perfect way. Besides, you can fit in a lot of the family history along with Memarou's description, right?

DESCRIBE YOUR WORLD: I really didn't know they were underwater until Memarou showed up- another reason I thought it might be better to simply start the story there. Don't tell us all about the people in your world if the setting is totally awesome! If you've got anything that makes your story unique, flaunt it. Even if it's that the rocks are purple, or something like that, it's going to stick in your readers' brains and make them remember your story as being really interesting.

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A very good read, Last Mohican! I'm definitely looking forward to Ojara- some fun times ahead, after her transformation into human form? Hehe, feel free to PM me if you've got any questions or want me to take a look at something else.

I think you might have given a little too much history...I mean, the history is good and everything, but somehow incorporate it into the story as dialogue or something so the action never stops, but also so the reader has time to stop and think about everything that's happening. Other than that, though, you had some incredible description in here. The only other thing I can think of is that perhaps you can pay a little more attention to her turning into a human and expand that scene a bit as it seemed rather abrupt to me, although that may just be me. But anyway, definitely an awesome write!

I really appreciate the criticism I hope to have these stories published someday so it really helps. And actually, um...Memarou isn't deaf it just isn't very easy to be understood at the bottom of the ocean...vocaly I mean...