The Dragon

Posted: Sat May 12, 2007 3:04 am Post subject: The dragon

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chapter one
The finding

Simon was lowering himself, down in a small elevator, made for delivering food to the top levels of this old Victorian house. Simon had just moved here a week ago and had yet to have proper time to explore the complex architectural design of which he lived in. Bang! The Dumbwaitor shuddered and he tumbled out landing in a heap on the floor. Surprisingly, he could still see. He could also hear his breath bounce off the walls coming back at him much louder. The light was somewhat blue, but still clear enough to read the tittles of the books on the book shelf covering the right side wall. Man, Is this a challenge are what. Im wonder how long it would take me to read all thesse books.This one looks interesting. He thpught as his girped a book tittled The key to the dragon cave and pulled out so he could read the summery. However, something 10 times more interesting happened. The bookshelf lifted up and disspered into the ceiling. This event revealed a cold damp cave, but light as day with still that strange blue hint.

“Wow,” he exclaimed as he noted what emitted the unique light. A small egg-looking ‘object’ sat on a white silk pillow with blue embroidered waves. The egg was the most amazing thing. It was the color of sapphires with light blue clouds swirling inside, and slight peeks of what looked like sapphire colored scales. However, the outside was a smooth as glass and maybe even smoother. Unexpectedly, a feeling of immense strength urged him to come and touch the mystifying object before him. So, before he could evan tell his feet to move, he was standing right in from of the crystal pillar on which the pillow rested. His hands, then began to surround the egg with severe tenderness. The egg was warm, yet he had the feeling if anybody but himself touched the egg their hand would come away black as coals. An unexplainable weakness, and tiredness filled his body. Every inch of him begged him to lie down for a few minutes and rest his hand. As soon as he agreed, and even before his head met the unforgiving ground, he was a sleep.

A few hours , but which seemed only minutes to Simon , he opened his to eyes see and feel a dragon hatchling licking his nose affectionately. His hand Instinctively reached up and began to pet the creature whom for some unfathomable reason he knew he would give up his life for in a heart beat, and she hers. the hatchling was the size of small cat with an abnormally long til about three feet long. Her ears were pointy, and her snout had deadly sharp teath clearly visslble. She was the color of bright sapphires, however would outshine the biggest, most polished, most expesive one in all the world.

When his fingers met with the smoth but scaley skin, somewhat like a snakes, blue dust like particles lept from allover the hatchling. They began to float around the cave. A breeze blew a single hair into his eyes. Where’d that come from he thought. Small wholes in the ceiling that he had yet to notice,all began to emmit a sharp whitsle. The strong guest of wind blew the sparks into a sapphire sphere, the size of the tip of his thumb; before he could speak it burrowed into his eye. A pain erupted from within his head, so great that it left him sightless,and withering on the ground. A stonger burst of pain left him clawing at his eyes. Then all pain seemed to disappear, altogether. Even the sprained ankle which he had received when running around the block yesterday was gone. The stinging paper cut was also gone, along with the scar on his palm where he had grabed a knife when he was three. Suddenly his hand serched his face for the scar on his face, that he received in a car reck at the age of three. However, It was gone, But replaced by an unknown one on his right temple From the feel, it felt like a tiger claw slash. Strangly it was warmer than the skin around it. An immense hunger filled his mind. He looked at the dragon curiously

“Are you hungry” He teased, Knowing she could not anaswer. However he was absolutly wrong, and she proved it by giving an affirmitive squk, and thenm jumping on his shoulder and wrpping her tail gently around his neck

I'm sorry to be so very harsh, but sometimes a few harsh words are good for the soul. There are so many grammar and spelling mistakes in this that I can't even follow it. What I did manage to extract was very cliched. There isn't much of anything here, just a guy fumbling through nothing. I have no idea where he is, what he's feeling- in layman's terms, I don't care for the character. There's a story here, but no substance.

But that's where you come in. You've got to give this guy and his story substance. Fix all your spelling and grammar mistakes (spell check is your friend), slow the story down a bit- do this by adding in exposition (back story), let the reader get a feel for the character and who he is and where he comes from- and make things more interesting. Let the reader more into Simon's head, get a real feel for what he sees, what he feels, what he smells, etc. The five senses and the five W's and one H (who what when where why how) are quite handy rules-of-thumb for what you want in your story. Be sure to use those effectively, though, and not just all at once (otherwise it'll be an info dump- which is bad). Remember that you're the medium for your character- it's HIS story, and he's just guiding you through it. You're the medium for him to get his story out into the world. Let your character guide you.

A complete rewrite of this, factoring what I told you, is in order.

-Saint Razorblade

Right now, I'm having trouble reading this story around all the grammatical errors. I suggest taking what you've got and pasting it in a word document. Once you've got it there run it through spelling and grammar check, then post it back here and PM me. I'll be happy to critique it then.

Oh, as a side note, don't get discouraged, fantasy is a hard genre to write. You could have a great story in there, but we'll never know if you give up now.
~®®§

Simon had just moved here a week ago and had yet tp have proper time to explore the complex articual desighn of which he lived in.

tp=to
articual-this is not a word I believe perhaps you mean 'architectural'?
desighn=design

Bump, the small elevator shuddered and he tumbled out landing in a heap on the floor.

If you are describing a noise that the elevator makes in the beginning of the sentence I have a few suggestions. First try making 'bump' into a stronger sounding word such as 'bang'. Secondly put this expression on it own separate line, not in a sentence, with an exclamation mark after it.

Curoisly he could still see.

I don't think that 'curiously' is what you should use in this sentence. Maybe something like 'surprisingly'.

He could also here his breth bounce off the walls coming back at him much louder.

here=hear(wrong hear! )
breth=breath

The light was somewhat blue, but still clear enough to read the tittlesof the books on the book shelf covering the right side wall.

Put a space in between the two red words
Also I really like the descriptions in this sentence!

Man, Is this a challenge are what. Im wonder how long it would take me to read all thesse.This one looks interesting .

thesse=these
Is this sentence meant to be someone talking? If so put quotation marks around it and put it on its own separate line. Also try rewording this sentence, it is very difficult to understand.

He grabbed a book entittled The key to the dragon cave and pulled out so he could read the summery.

entittled=I think that this just needs to be 'titled'.
Underline and capitalize all the words in this book title.

However something 10 times more interesting happned. The bookshelf lifted up and disspered into the ceiling. It oppened into a Gray cave, but light as day with still that strange blue hint.

happned=happened
disspered=disappeared
oppened=opened
Also the last sentence in this is confusing. Try rewording it.

“wow” he exclaimed as he noted what emitted the unique light.

Make sure you capitalize the beginning of the sentence, and put a comma after the quotation like this:
"Wow," he exclaimed...

A small egg-looking shaped ‘thing’ sat on a white silk pillow with blue embroidered waves.

By using 'egg-looking shaped' makes this sentence very confusing. Just use 'egg-looking" or 'egg shaped'. Also I don't think that you should use to word 'thing'. It ruins the mood. Try using the word 'object'.

So, before he could evan tell his feet to move, he was standing right in from of the crytalpillar on which the pillow rested.

evan=even
Put a space in between these two words and 'crytal', is spelled crystal.

His hands, they began to surround the egg with severe tenderness.

Is 'they' supposed to be 'then'?

The egg was warm, yet he had the feeling if anybody but himself touched the egg there hand would come away black as coals.

there=their

As soon as he agreed, and even before his head met the unforgiving groud, he was a sleep.

groud=ground

A few hours, but which seemed only minutes to simon , he opned his to eyes see and feel a dragon hatchling licking his nose affectionately.

Capitalize the characters name.
opned=opened

His hand institivlyu reached up and began to pet the creature whom for some unfathopmable reason he knew he would give up his life for in a heart beat, and she hers

I'm not quite sure what this word is supposed to be. 'Instinctively' maybe?
unfathopmable=unfathomable?
Maybe change 'whom' to 'that'?

the hatchling was the size of small cat with an abnormally long til about three feet long.

til=tail
Again capitalize the beginning of the sentence.

Her ears were pointy, and her snout had deadly sharp teath clearly visslble.

teath=teeth
visslble=visible

She was the color of bright sapphires, however would outshine the biggest, most polished, most expesive one in all the world.

expesive=expensive
Instead of 'all the' try 'all of' or 'the entire'.

When his fingers met with the smoth but scaley skin, somewhat like a snakes, blue dust like particles lept from all over the hatchling.

smoth=smooth
scaley=scaly

Where’d that come from he thought.

If this is him thinking try putting it in italics and again put it on its own separate line.

Small wholes in the ceiling that he had yet to notice, all began to emmit a sharp whitsle.

emmit=emit
whitsle=whistle

The strong guest of wind blew the sparks into a sapphire sphere, the size of the tip of his thumb; before he could speak it burrowed into his eye.

guest=gust
Also I suggest beginning this sentence with 'A' instead of 'The'.

A stonger burst of pain left him clawing at his eyes.

stonger=stronger

Even the sprained ankle which he had received when running around the block yesterday was gone.

The point about his ankle hurting seems to come out of no where. Maybe try mentioning this somewhere in the beginning, maybe when he is in the elevator.

The stinging paper cut was also gone, along with the scar on his palm where he had grabed a knife when he was three.

grabed=grabbed

Suddenly his hand serched his face for the scar on his face, that he received in a car reck at the age of three.

serched=searched
reck=wreck(also maybe try using 'accident' instead of 'wreck')

However, It was gone, But replaced by an unknown one on his right temple From the feel, it felt like a tiger claw slash.

You don't need to capitalize 'it'. Also you should change 'But' to 'and', and don't capitalize it. Also you need to put a period in between 'temple' and 'From'.

Strangly it was warmer than the skin around it.

Strangly=Strangely

“Are you hungry” He teased, Knowing she could not anaswer. However he was absolutly wrong, and she proved it by giving an affirmitive squk, and thenm jumping on his shoulder and wrpping her tail gently around his neck

Knowing doesn't need to be capatilized.
anaswer=answer
absolutly=absolutely
affirmitive=affirmative
squk=squeak or squawk
thenm=then
wrpping=wrapping

Phew...finally done! First of all I think that you have a very clever idea here, and that if you carefully read through this and make some changes that you could have a great piece of work. Some of your sentences are hard to understand, and some seem like they are cut short. Prof reading, and changing these mistakes before you post would help. Also you have a lot of spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors in this. Checking for these things and clicking the 'spell check' button before you post could also be very help full. Other wise I think that you have a great story going here, and with a little fixing could be something great!

Do not be too discouraged. I've tried Fantasy so many times, and it is a very hard theme to work with.

SPELLING! *attacks* Please spell correctly.

As the grammatical things have already been covered, I will give you some tips on the overall story. While this was a decent start, it had little substance. You introduce your character, have a dragon egg fall, the egg hatches and suddenly we have a dragon on our hands. What is wrong with this, you may ask? Well...

1. Pace

You have to give your story time, time to develop itself and unfold before your eyes. You can't rush through it to get to the fun part, and that is what I felt you were doing. Your description was sloppy at times and your characterization poor until you reached the dragon and then everything started shaping up. But that does not make it good! Take your time when writing and allow the story to unfold at a moderate, understandable pace. Taking more time may also improve your grammar and spelling issues.

This kind of rushed pace seriously detracts from the story, so the reader does not take you as seriously. Slow it down!

2. Characterization

Who IS Simon? As a reader, I honestly don't know yet - and not in the good, mysterious sense; rather, in the 'this main character is getting on my nerves' kind of sense. The rushed pace made your characterization rushed, thus detracting from the amount of emotional engagement a reader may have in the story. If the reader does not care about your characters, the reader will not care about your story, thus why you have to MAKE us care about your characters through characterization. Take your time describing the levels of Simon's reaction to this rather abrupt conflict; don't force a personality upon him and expect the reader to love him because he has a dragon. Let Simon speak for himself and take your time and it will improve this.

Interesting beginning. I apologize if I seem rather harsh, but I hope this help you. Keep writing and please PM me if you have any questions. Toodles!

Like Razor, I'm going to have to apologise in advance for the harshness - but this needs serious work. I agree completely with WD, you need to slow way down, introduce the character properly let the reader get to know him a little before you introduce the main focus of the plot.

Firstly, you need to proof read. You're using capital letters when you shouldn't, your missing letters out of words, your punctuation is apalling, and, frankly, I find it touches the boundaries of rudeness to expect us to read and critique something that you haven't even made sure is grammatically correct. Sure, the odd spelling mistake here and there is OK, as is the occasional misuse of a word. But this is just plain difficult to read.

Now, onto the story. My advice for you is to scrap this plot altogether, and think up another one entirely. This premise is completely unoriginal, taken, it appears (and I'm horrified to say it) from Eragon. The difference is that Eragon did at least have an original premise. You seem to have basically taken that storyline, chopped it up, rearranged it (and not all too well), and put it back together. Now, I'm not saying this is the worst thing in the world, as we all go through a 'copying' stage (at least, I did), but, at 13, you should really be, and I have no doubt that you're capable of, coming up with something original.

Now, pushing the actual plot aside, you've set everything up far too quickly, to the point that the reader doesn't have a clue what's going on. We don't know who Simon is, what he's doing there, why he wanted to get in the lift in the first place when surely there would be stairs, etc. etc. It's these details that you should, not focus on, exactly, but sneak them in subtlely, so that the reader is not fully aware of what he is being told, but is taking it all in. When you do attempt to give us some backstory, it comes across clumsy and awkward.

The stinging paper cut was also gone, along with the scar on his palm where he had grabed a knife when he was three. Suddenly his hand serched his face for the scar on his face, that he received in a car reck at the age of three.

The most obvious thing the reader sees from this is the repetition of three. 'What an unlucky child,' the reader is thinking, 'to have cut his hand with a knife, and to have been involved in a car wreck, both of which have scarred him for life, and both of which have happened at the age of three.' It's forced, not subtle. I advise you to write instead something along the lines of 'He put his sweaty palm to his cheek, searching for the once-conspicuous scar which was evidence of a tragic past.'

Not particularly good, but it sounds better, it adds depth to the character, making the reader subconciously ask questions. What tragic past? I think you'd have to agree that 'tragic past' is an altogether more interesting term than 'car wreck', and it could be an introduction of an important part of Simon's character, as in he could be an orphan, etc. which would provide an interesting character development sub-plot, assuming he still hasn't come to terms with the loss of his parents, yadda yadda yadda. You see how just small details can add a whole different plot direction, for later in the novel?

There is just something about the way this is written that is awkward and clumsy, and I think that that something is that most of the time you're far too vague, and just don't sound as though you're enjoying writing this. You just seem to be rushing, getting it over and done with. You use practically no descriptives whatsoever, and those you do use are unclear and unrefined. You need to calm down, slow down, and just write what feels natural, letting the words flow. Too much description is, ultimately, a bad thing, but you've gone to other extreme. I suggest you read some of the other writers' work, to see some good examples of well-done description. At the moment, all I can picture with this story is a black hole with a bookcase and a lift. I want to feel as though I'm there.

Finally, I think I'm going to end this on realism. That is, you don't seem to have taken that into account. You say that the elevator was made for delivering food to the top levels of the house. Then why, I ask, would it come all the way down, below the kitchens, to what I assume is a basement place. It certainly isn't kitchens, as kitchens do not have bookshelves, and it is doubtful that it would come down to the servants' quarters either. You may think I'm simply being picky here, but it's these trivial details which separates average from excellent. Attention to detail is of utmost importance.

There is an occasion when you're ever so slightly patronising to the reader, namely:

He thpught as his girped a book tittled The key to the dragon cave and pulled out so he could read the summery.

The Key to the Dragon Cave? I have not seen many books with such a strangely specific title, and it just doesn't go well. Even something totally cliche like 'The Secrets Revealed' would have been better.

The egg was warm, yet he had the feeling if anybody but himself touched the egg their hand would come away black as coals.

This just doesn't make sense. Despite the obvious unoriginality of him being the only person in the world able to hold the egg, why would he get that feeling? Surely he would simply think 'wow, this is warm'? It isn't realistic enough. Sure, fantasy is fantasy, but the basic details should be realistic. You can only take fantastic liberties to a certain point, until you have to keep things logical.

Again, I apologise for being so harsh, but mincing my words is not going to help you improve, nor am I going to feel good about it. You do need a lot of work, and I suggest you take my advice to completely rethink the plot, as this is extremely unoriginal in its current form. But don't lose heart! Just keep writing, and you'll keep improving. Feel free to PM me if you have anything that needs critiquing, and I will be more than happy to help.

Cheers,

-Kaz

sorry, i posted on the science fiction forum, but i will review again.

you're thirteen, right? ok, so realizing that you're thirteen, i totally can see that you have potential, and creativity, and imagination., and all those good things. my main suggestion:

DESCRIPTIONS!!!
this is part of what someone else called "pace". tell us who Simon is, what he's doing, where he lives, where he lived before, what the house smells like, what are his emotions, what sports he plays, who his friends are, is he shy or outgoing....know your character as if they are your best friend and you want to tell us about them.

I don't have much to add, but i will say this. From the little i have seen of the plot it is really interesting, imaginative, and mysterious. What I mean by mysterious is well...it gives you a feel of something new/strange. I have some suggestions for the next chapters or parts or whatever.

1. Fill it out some: give some more detail, description, and explaination (like what was with the blue dust? But that might be part of the story that hasn't been revealed yet. In other words it is not at all bad, in fact sometimes good, to leave things unexplained or mysterious as long as you explain them later.)

2. Learn to spell: I'm rite with u on that won .

3. Give some reason for the dragon being there (you probably already have one but I said that just incase you didn't)

O.K. Over all, very interesting and mysterious (if not a bit scatter-brained, sorry had to say something bad ). Just explain what's is going on a little more as you write more.

-Greenie

Bang! The Dumbwaitor shuddered and he tumbled out landing in a heap on the floor.

That part bothered me for some reason...I just think usin the word bang is kinda cheesy, like it doesn't really tell us anythin at all...ya know??

His hands, then began to surround the egg with severe tenderness.

This part is contradictory as severe and tender mean two totally different things.

As people have pointed out, there's definitely spelling mistakes in this. And the story did seem kinda a little too fast.

I think maybe you should also tell how he knew exactly that she was a dragon, like if he'd had experiences or whatever...and maybe change his reaction...I know if I stumbled on a secret room with a dragon egg in it, I'd be kinda freaked lol.

Anyways, this definitely has a lot of potential and promises with some editing to become a great fantasy story!

Overall this is a good story. The spelling and grammar mistakes were a bit of a hassle but its still readable. I agree with what a lot of people said before, work on your discription better. And another thing, the way you set the story suggests he lives in modern times, when most people think dragons don't exist. Don't you think he should be more shocked by the dragon then he is.

I agree that this story has some similarity to Eragon, but I don't think you should scrap just because of that. Try to make the resemblence less aparent. Like, change the dragon's color, make him green, or purple, or silver, or something. Little things like that will help make the story more original. And i'm sure that resemblence will go away as the plot progresses.

I have to say you're on to something. It is quite interesting the way he finds this egg. A dumbawaiter! he would've known? lol. Anyways i have to say though. This story is quite chliched. It is very simiilar to Eragon. Not to be harsh or anything but a saphire egg? and its glass like? Thats almost copying. And this boy has instinctive reactions to this egg. There has to be some sort of reason right? And i forgot to mention, when this boy finds this secret place he isn't even surprised! He just goes on ahead like its normal!
well anways plz fix some of this. I'll look forward to it!

Descriptions in this do well in setting up the environment that your character is exploring, but the idea behind this is cliched. Dragon egg used in the plot...hrmm it sounds vaguely similar to Eragon mate.

Simon is flat as. Where is the influence which drove him to even bother looking up a book in the library? Why was he doing it? What does the dragon egg actually meant? There is neither any depth nor conflict in his discovery of new information. He was excited...so what? Can you expand on this?