Sweet Seduction (chapter 1)

On the empty streets of Goose creek, South Carolina she walked. Past shop front after shop front until she found what she was looking for, the local pub.

Not a big place, some booths but mostly tables and some stools at the bar, which happened to be in the far right corner of the place.

It was packed tonight, which was unusual especially in this town. Probably just friends and couples gathering to watch the big game. The one time each year the place fills especially tonight, the World Series, which happens to be the Yankees versus the Red sox. Seventh game of the series whoever wins this wins the series.

The door opened and everyone froze. The second she walked in the women got a cold shiver of pure hatred down their spines. The men got this warm loving sensation but it wasn't coming from the ones they "loved". The men lost all sense of rationality.

I was the only one unaffected by this strange force. I was just sitting there wondering what was going on.

Apparently she noticed too. She walked up to me pointing to the seat next to me, "This seat taken?"

"No, feel free to have a seat." I was sitting at the bar so I thought nothing of it. I just sat there minding my own business sipping my soda and watching the game.

I grew up with an alcoholic father as a child so I know what alcohol does to people and that will never be me. I lost thought in old memories some good, most bad. Until I felt her gaze.

"May I help you?"

"Oh sorry, just staring."

I looked at her incredulously. "No you're not. I can see it in your eyes."

This was getting fun. She was obviously getting frustrated but she tried to hide it. She was staring at me again this time she had some gin in her hand. This time there was something different in her eyes this time, softer, but still very rigid. Suddenly I understood.

"It's not working you know."

"What ever are you talking about?" she said with a bemused grin slapped on her face. This was all just a game to her.

"You know what you're doing you are seducing me, or at least making a very sad attempt at it.” I could've sworn that if for a second just a brief second I saw a pair of demonic wings on her back. Just as fast as they were there they were gone.

"What are you staring at?"

"Oh sorry, just staring." I chuckled out. There was a look in her eyes those eyes, those beautiful purple eyes. It was a look of worry like she was keeping a big secret.

All of a sudden, she just up and left. Only then did I notice what she had on. A dark blue sweater that’s collar went form shoulder to shoulder perfectly tight around her body accentuating all curves, her hips, and her breasts. Which was a contrast compared the very light wash denim mini skirt she was wearing. All the way back to the top was her short spiky black hair that went in every which way.

I knew I would see her again soon. The town would soon be celebrating old home days soon. Though she may not seem the type to be out and about during daylight. I knew she would be there.

I got home took of my baggy black t-shirt and black jeans and hopped in bed. Hopefully a good night sleep will take my mind off of her. My thought proved wrong.





Sorry to leave you with a cliffhanger need to save some for next chapter. Depending on how this one turns out will determine if there will be a second one.

It was a good first chapter but you do need to capitalize Red Sox and fix the spelling on the word which at the top.

I would also, definitely go into more detail describing the woman but it does sound interesting and I would love to read the next chapter.

Hello,
Are you new? Didn’t see you around yet, so - welcome to YWS.


Okay, sorry to start out like this, but:

-> Spelling: Proofread your work before submitting it, please. Obviously it’s impossible to totally avoid typos, but that’s what the spell check is there for, right?

Quote:
Wihch


-> Punctuation: A missing comma here and there, etc. -You get my meaning. E.g.:

Quote:
"No feel free to have a seat."
Comma after ‘no’.


-> Grammar: I suppose this one is related to the punctuation. Sometimes what you wanted to say is a bit unclear, whereas somewhere else a contradicting itself sentence can be foundd, e.g.:

Quote:
Except me, I was the only one uneffected by this strange force.
Except me, I - That ruins the sentence. But I think I know what you wanted to do here - too bad that it didn;t work out. Period here would be better. And unneffeted=unaffected.


Things that do not seem to be enclosed in the above:

Quote:
All of a sudden she just up and left only then did I notice what she was wearing.I think you lost a word there. Or two. Also, you have ‘wearing’ again in the same paragraph


Okay, so that was pretty depressing, and if I were you I would want to murder me But really, up there were just details, most of which could be easily fixed by proofreading. Irritating, mind you, but (ah, the repentance of it) can be easily fixed, so I won’t point out each and every one of them.


Let us leave the depressing stuff.

What I liked most was your style. Admittedly, it did interfere with grammar sometimes, but it made your work unique. Later on you left it off a bit, but still.

As for something more general - I can’t actually voice my opinion here, since this was very short. From what I’ve read, however, I’ll say that it was an interesting piece of work, and that you should continue this. It was very mean of you to leave off on a cliffhanger Very mean indeed.


Cheers,
Elein

I think Elein went through most of the sticky stuff, which saves me a job..yay!

I really liked the first line. It's what grabbed my attention. At some stages I felt you were repeating words too much and waffling a bit eg:

The one time each year the place fills especially tonight, the world series, which happens to be the Yankees versus the red sox. Seventh game of the series whoever wins this wins the series.

Maybe it's because I can't relate to it...

Well, good stuff!
Alainna
xxxx

Yo dude.... just to let you know the first time people critize this stuff on YWS it seems really harsh but have no fear it doesn't get ANY better!!! Fortunetly for us editors the longer you are on this site the better your writing becomes. Well I like the story and just to let you know, not all towns have old home days. Just Marcellus.

Well, that makes it kind of original Matt. I like the story, it seems to have a chance of going some were. One thing though, EXPLAIN!!!!! I had the same problem and it took me a while to fix it. The sooner you do the better. Best of luck.

Very nice. Only a few typos, and other than that, I was fine.

I second theron guard. I assumed the seductress is a succubus yes?

Hello there, Brizingr. Welcome to YWS.

I feel that the suggestions Elein gave will help you editing the grammar and technical stuff in this, so I am just going to cut straight to the point:

You have a good beginning here and a firm outline for this chapter, but I feel you need more detail. I don't necessarily mean that you need more words, but rather a more vivid description of the surroundings and body language of your characters. You are doing a decent job of characterizing and describing - this is not by any means the worst case I have seen of this - but I still felt you could use more. My suggestions for this? Try to visualize the setting and describe the behavior of the other men in the pub more vividly, so we get a good idea of what the narrator is like in comparison to them. All suggestions, of course, but I think they will help you out.

The other issue I wish to address is telling. Not all telling is bad, and the telling you do in here is not necessarily bad; it just needs some showing to back it up and make it more than a spontaneous claim. In example:

I grew up with an alcoholic father as a child so I know what alcohol does to people and that will never be me. I lost thought in old memories some good, most bad. Until I felt her gaze.

I don't mind tou telling me this, but I think if you described the narrator's reaction to the drunken men in the pub or the behavior of these men more vividly, it would make this statement more rational and more powerful.

The second she walked in the women got a cold shiver of pure hatred down their spines. The men got this warm loving sensation but it wasn't coming from the ones they "loved". The men lost all sense of rationality.

Here you tell us the men and women's reactions to this new woman coming in, but I feel that a little more body language (ie: grimaces, uncomfortable shifting, hushed murmurs, suspicious eyes etc.) would have given this bit more substance and meaning.

This was quite good despite my criticism, and I really did enjoy it. I like your narrator and the description you do include is well-written. A beautiful piece. With some work, this will be awesome.

Nice job and keep on writing. PM me if you have any questions or need anything else critted.