Off the Edge of the Rainbow / Chapter 2

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Here are some suggestions:

Hearing the voice behind my closed eyelids, it is all I am aware of, as I lie in a limbo world between sleeping and awakening.

I don't think that you need 'it' here.

"...Then she thought that that did not sound quite polite, so she scratched out 'isn't mouse' and wrote: 'I hope it will be fine' “

Replace the second 'that' in this sentence with 'it'.

we could turn somersaults before we could read.

ha ha...sounds like me. Sorry but I had to say that.

Smelled the tantalising smells coming from Pizza Hut

tantalising=tantalizing

but sometimes Da would take Kester and I out of London on a holiday.

Change 'Kester and I' to 'Kester and me'.

Interesting. You have really good descriptions in this, but I thought that it was a little confusing at some points...but I don't know I'm really tired right now. I'll come and take a look at it again when I'm not so tired. Otherwise thought it was good with only a few mistakes...good job! Keep it up!

Confusing? Oops, sorry...thank you for commenting!

-ShadowTwit

I really liked this! It was entertaining, interesting, and very well-written.
One thing, and one thing only: 'hostels.' Is that really a word or did you mean; "hotels?" Forgive my ignorance.
Otherwise, continue by all means.
Oh, one more thing: why is the whole thing in italics? Is it a very long flashback? An entire chapter of flashback italics seems a bit much. Anyway, keep posting!
Yours always,

Yeah, a long flashback, and "hostels" means like the Youth Hostels, cos they're cheap and some are a bit seedy...the one I stayed in once was, anyway. I'm real glad you liked it! Thanks for commenting!

-ShadowTwit

If this is the flashback you were referring to after you posted Chapter 1, I'd like to congratulate you on fitting this in very nicely. Your chapters are short, so I can't tell if it's too early for something like this or not, but whatever the case, it's very well-written. Her Da reminds me of my friend's Pa. They both laugh and love and act. Very cool.

I thought this was very good, as was Chapter 1. It kept my attention, a great feat, as I am not particularly good at concentrating on reading the entries in these forums (no offense to anyone, it's just the wonders of the internet tempt me. I have very little self-control). In fact, with a little editing, more-so in the first chapter, this would be publishable material. I don't have time to read Chapter 3 right now, but I look forward to it for next time I log on.

-Kaz