The Prologue

Prologue


Sarabeth kicks a stone as she walks down the lonely mountain. The sleeting snow has already soaked through all of her clothes and chills her to the bone. Curly, blond hair clings to her face as she lifts her head and turns to look at the top of Terry Mountain. She stares at it for a moment then turns back around. Startled, she draws back quickly. There is a man in front of her. He towers over her and his shaggy black hair hangs over fierce blue eyes that bore into her own. Sensing danger, she flicks out a knife from her boot. The man she recognizes as Drew Daniels puts his hand on her shoulder.

“Come on, Sarabeth, put that down. If you just come with me there will be no need for a fight,” he says. Sarabeth glares at him, shrugs out of his grasp, and tightens her grip on the knife. Drew frowns at this and says, “Well, if you won’t come willingly I will just have to force you!” As Drew’s eyes close for a brief second, Sarabeth attacks. Suddenly, a dagger appears in Drew’s hand. He anticipates her attack and quickly counters it. Occupying him with her short forward thrusts, Sarabeth silently snakes her foot behind his and jerks it forward. Drew’s legs fall out from under him and he lands face up on the ground. Sarabeth kicks the dagger from his hand and pins him to the ground with her foot. As Sarabeth brushes away the snow from her eyes, Drew makes two new daggers appear, one in each hand. With deadly accuracy he flings one dagger at the knife in Sarabeth’s hand. She jerks her hand back and both the knife and the dagger go flying. With his other dagger he slices into Sarabeth’s ankle which releases him from her pin. Drew quickly gets up and seizes her by the arms and positions her back to his chest. He places the knife on her throat and holds it there.

“So, you want to fight dirty, huh? Well it’s a two way street, Honey. Now tell me everything you know about the Sentinel,” he growls.
“The Sentinel? I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.” She replies smugly.
“You know very well what I’m talking about and I suggest you tell me what I want to know very soon,” he hisses through clenched teeth. At this she just turns her head away. Getting frustrated and very impatient, Drew pushes the dagger further into her throat until a thin trickle of blood flows from it.
“Go ahead and kill me. You’ll get nothing from me,” Sarabeth says calmly.
“Who are you to say I can’t try?” Drew says as he puts his dagger away. He soon produces a rock in his hand and turns Sarabeth around to face him but still keeps a firm grip on her arms. Drew brings his arm above his head and holds the rock over her threateningly. Sarabeth simply stares at him, oblivious to the imminent danger she’s in. When she doesn’t reply he makes to strike her but stops his arm, inches above her face.
“Speak now and I will spare you,” Drew says menacingly. Sarabeth just shakes her head. Drew’s eyes flash with anger and he loses control. All of a sudden, he starts striking her with the rock issuing blow after blow to the head. Sarabeth exhales and goes limp in Drew’s arms.

Alright Kinsley since your a new member first I'll welcome you to YWS!


Second, present tense {no offense} is a terrible way to right fantasy. trust me i write quite alot of ot. Check it out sometime if you want to.

Second, if your are in the present tense you have teh most trouble staying in the tense. Good job though you did it.

Present tense also kind of kills the feeling of fantasy in this book. It makes it feel as though this might be happening now somewhere around the world. That's why teh present tense was made. For realisitic fiction. If you are going to make your charatacters fight with daggers and knives you shoudl make the setting somewhere else or some other time.

A few weak spots,
you threw out a lot of unneeded information in that.
2: you need to develop a setting.
3: build up on your characters, so far we know very little.
4: I suggest rereading this story out loud to yourself and tell me if it makes perfect sense to you, your readers shoulsn't have to pause and think, "wait what does she mean by that?"



Well good look, hope to be seeing more from you soon.

A Few Pointers:

Ok, the present tense as mentioned above is my least favorite style of writing fantasy. I like my fantasy in the past tense, it contributes to a story telling idea. It is also more difficult to read in my opinion. There are a few skilled present tense writers on YWS, maybe they can be more constructive in this area.

Read this aloud to see if it makes sense. Where it doesnt consider rephrasing sentences etc...

There is little world so we dont know what is happening or where the characters are going. Describe the atmosphere and surroundings a little more.

Consider reading on a routine basis and critiquing a few pieces on YWS every day. This will help you with your writing.

Yeah, I agree on the present time issue. After that, I have nothing to say, with th eexception that I liked your writing. Follow angels suggestions, ad it will be even better.

-Just couldn't look at the forum. I mean, Phorcys being on there as the last user who edited for like six pieces of writing, =)

yours,
-elein

Some points:

- One of the first things you did in your opening paragraph was establish how both of your characters look. We don’t actually need to know this right away - descriptions can come later. Wow us with a catchy opening instead.

- This is a simple recount of events, and doesn’t have any thoughts or feelings in it. What are your characters thinking and feeling (for example, the fear that Sarabeth feels)? Remember, it is through your characters that we experience the story, so don’t forget to include this. At the moments, it’s kind of like, ‘this happened, and then this, and then this’ etc.

- ‘Said’ (or ‘says’ in this) is your friend. Using words such as ‘replied’, ‘asked’ or ‘sneered’ should be used sparingly, as they make the story sound weak.

- Similar to above: when writing dialogue you don’t need to stick ‘said’ (or any of its equivalents, such as ‘asked’) next to everything a character says. Sometimes you can leave their speech on its own, which will help it to flow better.

- As the two above have said, writing in the present tense is rather hard. Consider using the past tense instead, simply cos it’ll make life easier for you.

Hope this helps you .


And don’t forget - keep on improving your writing .

For a start i'd like to repeat the present tense view but then i'd be boring you as you have already heard it many times.

At the moment, the paragraphs are large and a bit squashed. Try to fragent them, it'll make them easier to read and makes it flow better.

The main character is a bit shadowy at the moment, maybe if you add some of her thoughts it'll make her more of a main character.
This'll help the reader to get to grips with the scene.



I want to make suggestions for you to add in but present tense makes it hard. Perhaps you should try again in the past tense...make us happy pixies!

Firstly, I agree with the whole present tense thing.

About the story, it was quite good, but i think you need to describe the setting a bit more, although not too much, as being a prologue i feel you need to have it relatively short (again, my opinion), and you already have this. Too much could cause me to get bored, yet too little and i'm lost - it's difficult to find the happy medium.

I felt a little confused at the end: was she dead or wasn't she? All you said was that she "exhaled and went limp in his arms." I can't think off the top of my head of a way to make it clearer, but i'm sure you'd find it quite easy.

I also don't think we got the feel of Sarabeth very well, you don't tell us what she's thinking or how she feels as well as you could. You don't need to tell us directly, you could just say things like her "eyes widening in fear" or something along those lines.

Apart from this, it was good, with good potential, and i'm looking forward to the next installment.

I didn't get much from it. I coudn't connect with Sarabeth. try putting more of her emotions in it. Did she die, or what?